Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I heart this!!!

Okay, so I absolutely adored "An Abundance of Katherines." And the author, John Green and his brother are doing this videoblog, and you need to watch this entry:


Monday, January 29, 2007

...You’ll see it isn’t quite as ideal as it looks; or, BSC #35: Stacey and the Mystery of Stoneybrook

I think this book should really have been called “Stupid Bitches Are Friggin’ Desperate to be Nancy Fucking Drew.” At one point, they’re all supposed be “on the lookout” for clues about a mystery that may or may not exist. Dumbasses.

So, in this book, some old house is getting torn down and Charlotte’s staying with Stacey and her mom while the Johanssens go out of town for family stuff. There are mysterious occurrences when Stacey & Char visit the house, and Char gets tonsillitis again. I shit you not, this is the completely random nature of this book. It makes precious little sense. So, was the town really built on an ancient burial ground? Why does the house give them all nightmares? Who knows? I don’t think they solved that part. But anyway, they find out who owned the house (rant forthcoming) and go visit him in the nursing home, and he tells them a bunch of ghost stories…Finally the house comes down, Stacey hallucinates, all the mysterious things are explained away (Yay, science!) and it turns out owner guy died the night before. Ah, happy endings.

So, as befits the random nature of this book, I give you a random list…

  1. We get hit with Stacey’s “poor, divorced, divided me” on the first fucking page!

  2. What world does Stacey live in where hers in the only Dad that works on Saturdays? My dad always did (retail), but she grew up in New York, for fuck’s sake. Like Laine’s big-time producer dad works 9-5.

  3. Um, sweetie? Cinnamon does not always come sprinkled on cappuccino. Just sayin.’

  4. “I guess Logan must like Mary Anne for the same reasons all of us do: She’s understanding, a good listener, and really a lot of fun.” And she’s a pushover. And when she gets a spine, he gets all mad and distant. Cynical, cynical me.

  5. ”I couldn’t believe how fascinated everyone was with the “news” about some dumb old house. I guess that’s what happens when you live in Stoneybrook all your life. Anything seems exciting.” Condescending much, bitch?

  6. I know I feel presidential when wearing a visor.

  7. Oooh! Do you remember Colorforms? I fucking loved those as a kid! (And if I still had some, I’d probably still love them!)

  8. Isn’t Charlotte a little old for Raggedy Ann? I was into her before I started school. Exhibit A:
    (Me and my brother at a very young age dressed up as Raggedy Ann and Andy...definitely preschool age...)

  9. The house Stacey describes looks nothing like the house on the cover. A little cooperation, some communication might have helped that…Exhibit B:

  10. You know, I just can’t reiterate enough how fucking gullible these girls are…they are so willing to believe in ghostly happenings, it drives me nuts. I was like that when I was seven or eight, not 13!

  11. Oh, yeah…Charlotte is crazy excited cause she gets to go to a bunch of BSC meetings.

  12. Will no one shut Karen up? Her very fictional existence is sucking my soul out through my tear ducts.

  13. With all the stuff about burial grounds, I felt like I was reading this book in Spookyvision!

  14. Um, Stacey’s mom leaves Stacey to deal with Charlotte and the doctor. The fuck?

  15. OH MY FUCKING GOD! CLAUDIA ACTUALLY THINKS SHE MIGHT BECOME A LIBRARIAN LIKE HER MOM. I’m sorry Claudia. Though you could get into library school (they will let anyone in), you will not find a job. You have to be able to read and write. Sorry.

  16. None of the BSCers has ever taken kids to story time at the SPL? Seriously?

  17. Okay, Mrs. Kishi is the director of the library. I doubt she has tons of time to mingle with all the little kids.

  18. ”Liberrian.” Okay, sure, little kids. But there are people in library school who actually say this. No shit. My librarian posse can back me up on this one (btw, welcome Yogmas!)

  19. Claud gets embarrassed cause she doesn’t know her way around the library, despite director Mom. Seriously, she doesn’t know any of the reference librarians or anything? She asks a middle school page. For local history help. Gack! So many issues!

  20. Ah, pre-automation library…Thank Gebus for computers…

  21. Kristy calls an emergency meeting about the ghosty stuff. Why?

  22. I’m sure Mal can talk Stacey out of being jealous of 7 siblings.

  23. Seriously, Stace. You're seeing flames where there are none. Maybe you should get some help…or at least some Valium.

Wait, what’s that Stacey? You love what? “I had dressed for my train ride in a white jumpsuit, layered over a blue tank top. I had on white push-down socks with blue hearts all over them, a wide blue patent leather belt, and a wild necklace made of all kinds of plastic sea creatures in a rainbow of colors.” And she wears the jumpsuit again (with different shirt/accessories) the next day! Awesome!

Oh, I’ll probably be posting late next week; I’m going out of town this weekend (Look out D.C. Metro!), and while I will be watching the Super Bowl (and rooting for the Colts), I will not be reading any BSC books…So, apologies in advance…

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

There was no way Swanilda could have been black, so I wasn’t perfect…; or, BSC #16: Jessi’s Secret Language

Seriously, “Jessi” on the cover looks old than me.

Herein, we are introduced to Matt Braddock, who is profoundly deaf, and his sister, Haley, whose “blonde hair was cut short with a little tail in the back (very in)…” Jessi gets a regular gig sitting for these kids AND she’s learning sign language AND she landed the lead role in her ballet school’s production of Coppélia. Busy little Jessi. AND in the middle of all this, she has a great idea to invite Matt’s class at his deaf kid school to the opening of the ballet! Oh, and all the BSCers want to learn to sign, and all the kids want to learn, too! Hooray! Feel good all around!!!!!!!!

Listy time!!!!

  1. This book is full of things that never get mentioned again! 1) Jessi is apparently very good at languages. So good that she “practically became bilingual” during her family’s one week vacation in Mexico. What can I say? She’s a prodigy…

  2. Jessi has the darkest eyes she’s ever seen. Seriously.

  3. Oh, so she mentions that Jessi doesn’t want to be a professional dancer like three times in this book! I’m not mistaken that later books explicitly say she wants to be a dancer, right? Right? Plus, why would she be in this crazy school and why would her parents spend beaucoup bucks on ballet gear if she’s not at least trying to go pro?

  4. This book talks a lot about how hard it can be to fit in when you’re different. Like if you’re black, or deaf, or if you have a deaf brother. It’s deep. Thanks to you, ANM, I know now that I should be accepting of people who are different. I’m so, so ashamed. You stupid bitch.

  5. I hate when ANM mentions real books. I just do.

  6. And, because there’s no such thing as too much of a stretch for Ms. Martin, one of Jessi’s ballet nemeses has a deaf sister. And her family doesn’t know how to sign, so they don’t communicate. And it’s so sad. But luckily, Jessi can help…Hooray! More warm fuzzies!


  8. I find it hard to believe that Jessi is surprised that Haley sometimes wishes Matt had never been born. Who hasn’t had that thought about their siblings, especially when they’re that young [Sorry, Brian!]. Blah.

  9. ”Ballerinas have to be strong and agile and in good shape. Junk food doesn’t help you to be any of those things.” Oh, and she forgot SKINNY. Dumbass.

  10. Stirrings of baby fever at the Thomas-Brewer household. And Kristy’s mom had Charlie when she was 20. Ouch.

  11. Even when I was like 7 or 8, I didn’t think 11 was grown-up. Nope.

  12. Heh. The Polanski Sisters.

  13. I would pay lots of money to see Coppernicus: the ballet. And I would pay more to see Coppernicus: the musical. And still more for A Brief History of Metaphysics: The Musical. [I made that last one up. Shut up, you know you’d watch it, too!]

  14. I want to go to Good Time Charley’s. It sounds like a strip club.

Hoorah! See, PoBal, I didn’t make fun of any deaf kids! Just everyone else!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I also love rock and roll and the latest TV shows; or, BSC Mystery #13: Mary Anne and the Library Mystery.

So, my mom got this for me for Christmas, cause you know, I’m library girl. And I’m apologizing in advance, cause I know I’m gonna get all ranty with this one. Cause, oh, it pissed me off…

The plot: Mary Anne’s all sad sack, cause Logan’s busy playing volleyball and Dawn’s back in Cali for six months, and Mal’s got mono, cause she sucks that hard. So, MA is lonely and bored and in-a-weepy-watching-Roman Holiday mood. So, to give her something to dü, she tells Mrs. Kishi she’ll help in the Children’s Room at the library for their Readathon program. But once she starts, someone keeps setting little fires by burning books! From the fifth grade reading list! And there are suspects, including the mean new children’s librarian! Nicky Pike! The book-banning protestors! The library ghost! Just kidding! No ghost in this one! But it turns out it’s one of the minor kids in the BSC universe.

So, seriously, what’s up with the whole ‘WE have to solve the mystery!” thing? I never once felt the need to actually attempt to solve a mystery. Sure, I may have played at it, or whatever, or daydreamed about it. And maybe I was a chickenshit, but faced with actually trying to solve a real mystery? OH HELL NO! One, I can’t really think of a real mystery I ever came across. And two, even if I did, I would not want to get involved with that shit! Leave it to the pros! And even if I did get all nebby (that’s for you PoBal) and try and get involved in the mystery, I certainly wouldn’t let my young baby-sitting charges stick their little noses in, dig?


Okay, in her “volunteer” position, Mary Anne teaches kids to use the card catalog (heh…old-timers!), and helps them find books (that’s called reader’s advisory, kids! And reference!) Seriously, if I were here, I’d be pissed I wasn’t get paid. Cause she’s doing the work of a professional, or at least (what we in the profession call) a paraprofessional…At least, they should let MA in the union, cause she’s working part time…AND SHE’S ONLY 13!!!!!! They’re letting her do all this shit without any training? What kind of shoddy operation is Mrs. Kishi running, anyway?

Oh, and book banning’s bad, m’kay? So is book burning…Yeah, there’s this group of protestors trying to get a whole list of books banned from the library…but, and this is the hilarious part, ANM totally glosses over the details…the BSC are all, I can’t see anything wrong with it…but no one ever says what’s objectionable about any of these books! And at the end, ANM is all “for more, info, contact ALA-OIF (that’s the Office of Intellectual Freedom of the American Library Association). I guess that’s the subplot of this one: banning books is bad! Suicide! Don’t do it!

Oh, and I doubt a bunch of dumbass baby-sitter girls who are only 13 can solve the mystery all by themselves…shut up bitches…

Okay, some fun fashion from your fave wannabe youthquakers:

“Claudia was wearing a big white shirt over a bright pink jumpsuit. Her earrings, also bright pink, were in the shape of flamingos. On her feet were pink high-tops. Stacey was wearing a red miniskirt, a red-and-white striped shirt, red heart-shaped earrings, and short black boots.” Okay, I’m losing my touch; aside from being crazy matchy (and the earrings), Stacey’s outfit actually sounds…cute [shocked gasps! Women fainting!]

[Also, I just read the Truth About Stacey graphic novel, and she looks wicked cute in it! It was surreal not being able to make fun of Stacey’s “sophistication.”]

Heh. Claudia criticizes the protestors outfits: “You should have seen some of the outfits these people were wearing. I mean, I wouldn’t even call them outfits. Nothing matched, everything clashed, and they obviously don’t know a thing about coordinating accessories.” Claud, love, we need to talk. Pot calling kettle black here.

Okay, there’s tons more to make fun of in this one, but it’s been painful enough…Seriously. Dying here. Ugh.

Oh, and the cover? Is that smoke? Or a ghost? I know the tagline is “Someone’s playing with fire—for real, but I totally thought it was a ghost story…What do you think?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

In case you were wondering...

1. I received a question asking if I'm from Pittsburgh. The answer is no, but I lived there for 5 years while I attended Pitt (go Panthers!) and CMU (go Tartans!)...I have lived all over, spending most of my time in New Hampshire, but I went to library school in Rhode Island. I now live in Dayton, Ohio. So, that should explain how I know about "yinz" and other 'Burgh specifics, as well as my tendency to reference real places...

2. So, for a little while now, I've been keeping track of some of the funnier google/yahoo/whatever searches that will get you to my blog...For your consideration, a brief list:

karen's bitches dawn nude

short skirts for the black plague

tights with little hearts

dads fucking baby-sitters

babysitter fuck kid

fuck in bodysuit

bodysuit fucking

Claud is gay (mine's the first hit!)

maryanne blowjob

Hot babysitter fucking kids

things people wore in the eighteen hundreds (4th site hit)

mom fucking boy

boys fuck girls baby sitter (4th hit)

Grandparents fuck babysitter

So, if you've stumbled on my site looking for slightly shady porn, welcome, take a look around, enjoy yourself.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Mallory made me do it; or, BSC Super Special #4: Baby-sitters’ Island Adventure

Ah, yes… “Who thought they’d end up…shipwrecked?” Who, indeed. Yep, so the bare bones plot: Claud and Dawn take sailing lessons, then decide to race. They tie. So, during the tiebreaker, they bring Jeff, Becca, Haley Braddock and Jamie Newton. And a storm comes up and takes out one of the boats…they wash up on an island and are stuck there for two days. [I find myself completely unable to stop singing “Stuck on an Island,” so please excuse any lapses into “doing co-oke with Henry and I totaled my car…” Finally, they are rescued and everything is all better…Blargh. Okay, I loved this one first time around, but it really kinda dragged on this time around. Details? Sure, why not.

Let’s start with the most boring first:

Mal: She’s sad. She writes in her journal and goes out on boats with her family, looking for the missing.

Stacey: She’s in New York for the weekend, but she can’t focus because she wants to be back in Stoneybrook, where the action is…[okay, she didn’t say that, but I just really wanted to!] She gets into a big fight with Daddums and makes her way back to the missing. [see what I’m doing here? I’m using the word missing in each one of these! It’s drama-ful!]

Kristy: She’s all about going out searching. Oh, and she has a fight. With her boyfriend. Ba-art! Ooooooooo! Cause she wants to cancel the Bashers/Krushers game, and he’s all “you’re just doing this cause we’ll beat you again!” and she’s all team member! Cheerleader! Missing! But they make up after he sees the news or some shit and realizes she’s not being a chickenshit. And Kristy cries a lot in this one.

Mary Anne: Okay, so she feels guilty the whole time cause of this fight she had with Dawn. Here’s the deal. Logan called Dawn to tell her to tell Mary Anne that he couldn’t make their date, but Dawn forgot, so MA’s all pissed at Logan, but he gets wicked pissed at her when she realizes what happened and he can’t believe she’d think he do that…blah. So, MA then gets crazy mad at Dawn for fucking up. And, damn, MA’s an angry bitch! She totally needs to let it out more, cause she’s obviously bottling. Whatevs. Then after Dawn goes MISSING!!!!, MA keeps blaming herself. She can’t search cause she’s too wrecked or whatever.

Dawn: So, Dawn discovers that she’s not always the strongest one in a crisis…She completely falls apart a few times while they’re missing. And this all very confusing for her, as she always thought of herself as grounded and self-sufficient.

Claud: Claud keeps her head on her shoulders and figures out how to collect water and get rescued! She’s smart! Sort of! But only when she’s missing!

Jessi: Ah, here we go, bitches! This is the single most insane thing ever in any of these books, I shit you not. Okay, so after agreeing to let Becca go sailing, Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey go out of town for the weekend. AND THEY LEAVE JESSI IN CHARGE OF BECCA AND SQUIRT FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND! SHE’S ELEVEN AND THEY LEAVE HER ALONE IN CHARGE OF AN INFANT AND AN 8-YEAR-OLD!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY! And then, after Becca goes missing, the dreaded Aunt Cecelia comes to help out/take over, what have you. And then Jessi gets all pissed that Cecelia insists on calling her parents and, get this, ruining their trip! Cause they’ll mind. And, what, she expects them not to find out? And what if Becca died? They’d get back all, “great trip!” and then they’d find out. Ridiculous!

Now, for the fun stuff!

  • Claud loses the first race because of what she wears! “So she’d put on a tank top and baggy drawsting pants. Over the top, she was wearing a button-down shirt of her father’s. The sleeves were rolled up, but none of the buttons were buttoned. She was also wearing big earrings that she had made herself…” So, the shirt gets in her way and the earrings get caught on the sail…and I nearly died laughing. Because I am a mean little bitch.

  • Blah, Dawn’s all “I want a record of this from everyone’s point of view, so everybody write it up!” Bitch.

  • So, apparently, Dawn goes sailing everytime she’s in Cali, yet she never mentioned it before, and she never mentions it again. Although, I’m sure she’s off sailing for a while.

  • Jeff dubs Carol (you know, dad’s lady friend) the “Hair Queen,” cause she’s always changing her hair. I used to be the Hair Queen, but I’ve been knocked down the hair royalty line as of late. I miss having hot pink hair!

  • Seriously, Logan and Mary Anne can fight! Ouch!

  • Hee! Stoneybrook is positively swimming with reporters!

  • Seriously, they take notes at an emergency meeting. Heaven forbid there be no record of the meeting while their friends are missing. Oh, and the illustration of the meeting is awesome, cause in it all these bitches are sad and weepy! Is it wrong that I take pleasure in that? Really?

  • Remember how the kids spell “HELP” with shells the exact same color as the sand? I totally remembered that, and so did PoBal!

  • And Dawn’s all OCD about knowing the time…Totally worse than me.

  • Oh, yeah, did I mention that it [say it with me!] sooooo hard being Stacey.

  • Even in the middle of the crisis, Mal’s all pretentious wanna-be writer: “We’ve spent so much time on the water that whenever I close my eyes now, all I see is an endless blue-green expanse…” LAME!

  • One of Claud’s spelling mistakes cracked my lefty shit up! “Frist the water colecter…” which I like to read as Frist, the Water Collector. Because I have officially lost my mind. And I hate Bill Frist.

  • Oh yeah, they get honored by the mayor and get a press conference and shit. I keep forgetting about that part.

  • I find it hard to believe that Claud doesn’t have her own answering machine.

Phew. Enough. That was tough. I hope y’all enjoy it; it was painful…

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

When I’d eaten them, I’d felt as if I were tasting chocolate for the first time; or, BSC #43: Stacey’s Emergency

Okay, in a previous lesson, we learned the truth about Stacey: she’s a diabetic, and a skanky bitch…in this book, we learn that it’s soooo hard being Stacey. Not only are her parents divorced but she also has to deal with her disease. And it’s hard!

Yeah, in this book, Stacey can’t deal with all the stress of being put between her parents, coping with her schoolwork, dealing with small chilluns, and maintaining her diet…so, she slips up and starts sneaking chocolate…and she gets really sick and ends up in the hospital…I guess it’s like the cover says, “Stacey just can’t win.”

Blah. This one’s a whiny one full of Stacey being thoughtful, which she really shouldn’t bother. ‘Cause, with apologies to the Housemartins, she’s not deep.

A few salient points:

  1. For many years, my hair looked very much like hers on the cover of this book.

  2. So, Stacey’s tired all the time, and thirsty and hungry and she’s not feeling well…but she doesn’t tell her mom, cause her mom’s been through enough in the past few months…Um, seriously, you have a DISEASE that requires constant monitoring! Talk to your mom, bitch!

  3. Ah, realistic time frames: Stacey moves to Stoneybrook just before 7th grade. Then, in the middle of 8th grade, they move back to NYC. A few months later, the divorce, and the move back to S-town. And that was apparently a few months before this book takes place…It seems a little…rushed, no?

  4. ”…we are both pretty sophisticated for thirteen [gee, could Stacey be talking about herself and Claud? I think so…]. We wear really fresh clothes—leggings, cowboy boots, oversized shirts, hats (Claud wears hats more than I do), and wild jewelry.” Oddly enough, I saw a whole lot of clothing matching that description while I waited for hours and hours during my layover at JFK. [BTW, Delta hates me and my luggage.]

  5. Oh, yeah, Claud and Stacey like action! Since when, I’m not sure…but I do know that Mary Poppins is all about the action!

  6. Okay, professional soapbox time: now, y’all know I’m a librarian [RNL, I’m totally blaming you for the addition of y’all to my vocabulary, and it’s your job to shoot me if I ever actually use “yinz” seriously.], and I’m not usually “oh, librarian stereotypes are bad, m’kay,” mainly cause I look like your standard hipster librarian, and my hip-kid librarian posse all fall into the same category…we look fairly bookish with an indie-ish bent, and we swear more than you’d suspect, but whatever…However, I really, really hate how ANM is always “Claud’s mom disapproves of Nancy Drew cause she’s a librarian…” Shut up, bitch! Claud is what we [well, not me, cause I’m a cataloger, but teen and youth librarians and the like] call a “reluctant reader,” and librarians don’t care what they’re reading, as long as they’re reading! Aside from which, Nancy Drew is hardly the type of book that anyone should really strongly object to! [Sorry, for the bad grammar, but I’m ranting here!] Okay, I can see Claud hiding V.C. Andrews books or Harlequins or whatever, but Nancy Drew is clean and wholesome, and actually kind of falls into the “classics” category, if you’re looking at the ones written in the 1930s. Phew. Sorry, sometimes I get going on the librarianing rants, I know. Now, go watch Party Girl!

  7. I’m so sick of the whole “Mal feels ugly!” thing. Yes, she’s at an awkward age, but so is every other fucking girl in the BSC. I have a really hard time believing that all the “older” girls have already completely dealt with their body-image issues…Bitch, please!

  8. Cootie Catchers? Okay, so I think these are yr basic fortune teller thing, but Mal & Jessy were totally doing it wrong…it’s not eenie meenie miney moe…It’s far more complicated, with colors and numbers, right? I made one, just now [I still remember how, because when I was in college a few years back, my friends and I used to make them all the time. And play MASH. While chainsmoking. And including professions like “fluffer” and “jizz mopper” and PATransit bus driver. Cause maturity has always been one of my strong points. Oooh, and we used to put fortunes like “You will be a teen-pop-superstar!” Or, “You will make out with Dean Wareham Boy!” Or, “You will get in touch with your inner Richard Marx!”{Probably better not to ask.}] But I can’t remember whether the numbers go on the outside, or the colors…

  9. Heh, Stacey’s dad calls her “Boontsie.”

  10. Wow, Stacey knows her clichés! Observe: “And I was wondering what would happen if one day I said to my father, ‘Mom’s out with someone. A man He’s taking her to dinner. He’s really handsome, he has a very important job, and he’s never been married. He’s saving himself for the perfect woman, and that perfect woman is Mom.’ Or what would happen if I said to my mother some Sunday night when she was grilling me about my weekend in New York with Dad, ‘Mom, you should see who Dad’s dating. She’s this sophisticated, beautiful, younger woman. She’s terribly wealthy, she has a penthouse apartment in the city and a horse farm in the country. And she can cook and handle a jigsaw.” When did Stacey start ghostwriting for Danielle Steel? Is she producing Lifetime movies? Also, she’s going to be a little disappointed when she wonders into the world of adult relationships with those expectations.

  11. The cover illustrates an actual event in the book! Again! Martian fudge makers! Stupid! The real cover should have looked like the picture of the one twin from America’s Next Top Model eating the food on the toilet…What with the sneaking chocolate…you know where I’m going with this, right?

  12. Oh, yeah, Charlotte gets all hypochondriac when Stacey goes in the hospital. Cause those two are waaaaay too attached.

  13. Oh, the big SMS gossip: Cokie got a nose job.

  14. Stacey sits her parents down and tells them to quit putting her in the middle. And, because we have entered a fairy-tale-utopia, it works. The end.

Happy 2007!