Let’s start with the most boring first:
Mal: She’s sad. She writes in her journal and goes out on boats with her family, looking for the missing.
Stacey: She’s in New York for the weekend, but she can’t focus because she wants to be back in Stoneybrook, where the action is…[okay, she didn’t say that, but I just really wanted to!] She gets into a big fight with Daddums and makes her way back to the missing. [see what I’m doing here? I’m using the word missing in each one of these! It’s drama-ful!]
Kristy: She’s all about going out searching. Oh, and she has a fight. With her boyfriend. Ba-art! Ooooooooo! Cause she wants to cancel the Bashers/Krushers game, and he’s all “you’re just doing this cause we’ll beat you again!” and she’s all team member! Cheerleader! Missing! But they make up after he sees the news or some shit and realizes she’s not being a chickenshit. And Kristy cries a lot in this one.
Mary Anne: Okay, so she feels guilty the whole time cause of this fight she had with Dawn. Here’s the deal. Logan called Dawn to tell her to tell Mary Anne that he couldn’t make their date, but Dawn forgot, so MA’s all pissed at Logan, but he gets wicked pissed at her when she realizes what happened and he can’t believe she’d think he do that…blah. So, MA then gets crazy mad at Dawn for fucking up. And, damn, MA’s an angry bitch! She totally needs to let it out more, cause she’s obviously bottling. Whatevs. Then after Dawn goes MISSING!!!!, MA keeps blaming herself. She can’t search cause she’s too wrecked or whatever.
Dawn: So, Dawn discovers that she’s not always the strongest one in a crisis…She completely falls apart a few times while they’re missing. And this all very confusing for her, as she always thought of herself as grounded and self-sufficient.
Claud: Claud keeps her head on her shoulders and figures out how to collect water and get rescued! She’s smart! Sort of! But only when she’s missing!
Jessi: Ah, here we go, bitches! This is the single most insane thing ever in any of these books, I shit you not. Okay, so after agreeing to let Becca go sailing, Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey go out of town for the weekend. AND THEY LEAVE JESSI IN CHARGE OF BECCA AND SQUIRT FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND! SHE’S ELEVEN AND THEY LEAVE HER ALONE IN CHARGE OF AN INFANT AND AN 8-YEAR-OLD!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY! And then, after Becca goes missing, the dreaded Aunt Cecelia comes to help out/take over, what have you. And then Jessi gets all pissed that Cecelia insists on calling her parents and, get this, ruining their trip! Cause they’ll mind. And, what, she expects them not to find out? And what if Becca died? They’d get back all, “great trip!” and then they’d find out. Ridiculous!
Now, for the fun stuff!
- Claud loses the first race because of what she wears! “So she’d put on a tank top and baggy drawsting pants. Over the top, she was wearing a button-down shirt of her father’s. The sleeves were rolled up, but none of the buttons were buttoned. She was also wearing big earrings that she had made herself…” So, the shirt gets in her way and the earrings get caught on the sail…and I nearly died laughing. Because I am a mean little bitch.
- Blah, Dawn’s all “I want a record of this from everyone’s point of view, so everybody write it up!” Bitch.
- So, apparently, Dawn goes sailing everytime she’s in Cali, yet she never mentioned it before, and she never mentions it again. Although, I’m sure she’s off sailing for a while.
- Jeff dubs Carol (you know, dad’s lady friend) the “Hair Queen,” cause she’s always changing her hair. I used to be the Hair Queen, but I’ve been knocked down the hair royalty line as of late. I miss having hot pink hair!
- Seriously, Logan and Mary Anne can fight! Ouch!
- Hee! Stoneybrook is positively swimming with reporters!
- Seriously, they take notes at an emergency meeting. Heaven forbid there be no record of the meeting while their friends are missing. Oh, and the illustration of the meeting is awesome, cause in it all these bitches are sad and weepy! Is it wrong that I take pleasure in that? Really?
- Remember how the kids spell “HELP” with shells the exact same color as the sand? I totally remembered that, and so did PoBal!
- And Dawn’s all OCD about knowing the time…Totally worse than me.
- Oh, yeah, did I mention that it [say it with me!] sooooo hard being Stacey.
- Even in the middle of the crisis, Mal’s all pretentious wanna-be writer: “We’ve spent so much time on the water that whenever I close my eyes now, all I see is an endless blue-green expanse…” LAME!
- One of Claud’s spelling mistakes cracked my lefty shit up! “Frist the water colecter…” which I like to read as Frist, the Water Collector. Because I have officially lost my mind. And I hate Bill Frist.
- Oh yeah, they get honored by the mayor and get a press conference and shit. I keep forgetting about that part.
- I find it hard to believe that Claud doesn’t have her own answering machine.
Phew. Enough. That was tough. I hope y’all enjoy it; it was painful…