read one of the books...Booze, sure I've got time for that, but not so much for
the BSC. I'm a horrible person. But I had fun!]
The tag line for this winner is "How much trouble can a bunch of babies
be?" But, just maybe, it should be "How retarded can a group of
13-year-olds be?" It's a good question. Seriously.
The plot: Um, Dawn and Mary Anne want their parents to have a baby. Mary
Anne babysits for the Salem twins; they're babies. And all the 8th graders
have to take "Modern Living." That's a course that teaches them about
adulthood, using the narrowest possible definition (marriage and babies).
So, they "marry" a classmate and have an egg baby. And it's hard! And most of the BSC and their "spouses" take it all entirely too seriously. They, like, name the "babies" and have arguments about how much the baby should eat and if it's cold and shit. And, yes, I'm talking about the boys, too (especially Logan and Alan Gray). LAME!!! Um, in the end, Dawn and MA decide that maybe their parents' decision not to further populate Stoneybrook might actually be the right one. Oh, and they learn that being a grownup and a married and a parent is hard! (But don't worry, I'm sure they forget that last lesson by the next book.) BABIES! Woot. (Sorry, don't care much for babies myself, and my uterus threatens to perform a self-hysterectomy at the thought of birthin' one. Remember that as you read through this.)
Okay, first things first. The cover. Mary Anne already looks like a
suburban housewife, pushing the stroller, wearing stretch pants and a baggy
sweatshirt. She's given up at 13, folks. Pour a Zima for the girl.
Also, the + 2 thing is far too cutesy.
- Worst first line of any of the books: "I was thirteen years old before I became a sister, and guess what." I challenge you to bring me a worse, less interesting opener.
- I get wicked sick of all the "Oh, we all eat normal, and Dawn eats like a fucking freak!" I don't need ANM to catalog the dietary differences between the two sisters. She doesn't even describe the food so that it sounds good. For either girl! What's the point of that? If you're going to describe food, make me drool. All I'm asking.
- MA wonders what the opposite of outgoing is; she considers "ingoing" and "ingrown." Heh. Once, PoBal and I had a months long discussion about whether or not "integreous" was the adjective form of "integrity." Did I spell that right?
- Ooh! Claud clothes: "A typical Claudia outfit might include a sequined shirt, stirrup pants (maybe black), low black boots, [Wait! How can anyone tell they're stirrups if she's wearing boots?] dangly turquoise earrings, and ribbons woven through tiny braids in her hair. And she wouldn't forget sparkly nail polish." [Bitch! That's totally Stacey's thing!] I love that the pants just may be black, but no one's quite sure.
- Does anyone remember the book in which the BSC took an infant care class? MA mentions it, but I don't remember anything about that.
- Teacher:"Despite how old or young you may feel, the truth is that you are now biologically capable of becoming parents, or you will be soon. How many think you are capable of parenting, of being part of a couple, or of living on your own?" And, of course, MA thinks cause she babysits a few times a week for a few hours a shot, she could be a fucking parent.
- ANM really hates the character Shawna Riverson. Seriously, the dumbass things she pushes out through Shawna's mouth make me think that ANM's romantic rival in high school was named Shawna.
- Heh, ANM makes an inadvertent stand for gay marriage when there are four boys who can't pair up with girls, so they have to pair up with each other. Of course, there's no mention of "gay," and, surprisingly (well, actually, not very much so), they never get mentioned again.
- Y'all know how much I hate whenever ANM mentions prices that just don't make any sense. Well, she's at it again. Just don't even attempt it! 1993 prices that are pretty spot on for these days? I think she overshot the prices, but I honestly can't be sure. But it seems a little suspect.
- Oh, and apparently, MA and Logan never looked at the prices in the grocery store. And they decide to be vegetarians to save money.
- And their whole "playing married" thing gets really old, like, instantly.
- Given that they're all such experienced sitters, you'd think they'd know that sitting for twin infants is hard work. And they're all huffy about the Salems waiting until the babies were 6 mos. before hiring the BSC.
- Shut up about the babies, girls!!!!!!!! It's boring.
- Oh, the egg thing. Thank gawd I never had to do that shit.
- Okay, the BSCers bring their stupid egg babies to jobs. How unprofessional is that? And the parents are all "ha, ha," and the kids are all "the fuck?"
- Logan and MA name their "kid" Samantha, Sammie for short.
- Kristy and Alan name theirs Izzy.
- Damn, these girls and boys took this waaaaaay too seriously.
- And the older girls get all pissy with Jessi and Mal, cause they just don't get being an egg parent. Shut up!
- Feel like getting smacked with a lesson as blunt as a sledgehammer?
Stacey sat in a patch of dry grass and thought. What if Bobby [her "kid"] had been her real child and she had had no husband to call on for help? she wondered. What did you do if you were a single parent and you were at work and your child got sick and the nurse called and said he should go home from school? What if you couldn't leave your job? Or what if you were at home and something happened to you and you simply needed help?
"I bet my mom is scared sometimes..."
- Ah, Logan and MA fight a lot about money and the kid. Imagine that.
- The Pike kids decide to pair up in incestuous marriages and raise egg-children. And the triplets go along with it? Perhaps that is the single least believable aspect of this book.
- Um, since when is there a kid at SMS named Tarik?
- Blah, now they understand how hard their parents have it.
- Heh. The single most realistic event in this entire book? "Miles tried to look on the bright side. 'Isn't sex education part of Health?" I heard him say. Logan laughed. I blushed." Wow. ANM actually admitted that 13-year-old boys think about sex! Crazy!
- MA and Logan turn in a 32 page single-spaced typed report, causing their teacher to swear. A lot. In my mind.
- [Overall, I preferred the Buffy treatment of the egg project!]
- Oh, sweetie, 25 isn't that old. Just you wait.
- Fucking fuck fuck!!!!!!! Worst ending ever! "'Yeah. Dad,' I said, 'you have no idea how hard it is to be a parent.'" Richard, I'll fucking smack her for you! ANM, for that, you (or your ghostwriter) need to be dragged out behind the Burger King and beaten with a cricket bat. There was no reason for that. Even people with no sense of humor know that's just not funny.
Whew. Sorry for the violence at the end there. Nothing pisses me off more
than a cheap joke, told non-self-mockingly. And what a shitty way to start and
end the book! Not that the middle was any less shitty!
Until next time.