Aaaah. Again, she looks way older than 13. And she's totally afraid of an envelope. Luckily, she's got the curtains to protect her. Oh, and "Someone is out to scare Dawn!" Though, to be perfectly frank, someone is out to scare all the girls, not just Dawn.
The plot: So, there's this Sitter of the Month (which I have decided to not so conveniently shorten to S-o-M) contest at Stoneybrook Middle School. And the girls are getting competitive, but they're all, "Let's not be competitive. Remember the science fair/the Little Miss Stoneybrook Pageant/etc." Oh, and they start getting these mysterious notes and shit while they're sitting (all except for Kristy), but they're all so concerned about not losing the S-o-M contest that they don't tell each other about all the shenanigans. Blah, it's a mystery!!! And they solve it, kinda. See, Jamie Newton tells Dawn that they can't go for a walk until Mel Tucker (who tends to make fun of the Hobarts' accents...he calls them "Crocs!") stops by for a sitting check. And she "just knows" he's Mr. X. (Oh, that's whose been "signing" the notes.) And they set up a sting. And no cops or parents are ever involved, even before they know a kid is behind it all. Because it is the BSC. [I totally "solved" this one on page 5. If by solve, you mean, yell "Oh, shit! I remember! This kid gets pissed cause the girls get him in trouble or something, and he's Mr. X!"]
Here we go...
- I am so sick of reading the following sentence: "I love to baby-sit." Really. Thanks, Captain Obvious.
- Dawn: "And Jeff? Jeff never really adjusted. In fact, he disliked Connecticut so much (and missed his dad so badly on top of it)..." Wait, since when do Jeff and Dawn not share the same father? Slutty, slutty Sharon. (Dontcha just love the weird way the girls talk about their families in these books?)
- No, Dawn, the potential romance between Ben Hobart and Mal is not exciting.
- "See, the Hobarts are Australian. That's why Mel calls them 'Crocs.' You know, for Crocodile Dundee?" That really is an insult.
- You know, it is possible to like junk food AND health food. In fact, one can have tofu stir fry for dinner followed by Doritos for desert. So, seriously, Dawn? Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, Ben & Mal both have red hair and glasses. No, that doesn't necessarily mean that they look cute together.
- This sounds dirty. "Do you want to come in for a snack? I'm sure Mum's laid one on." Hee.
- Okay, crying over "those sappy telephone company commercials" doesn't always mean you're sensitive. It could just mean someone started the Pill recently and is having crazy hormone-y mood swings. Or a really nasty case of the PMS weepies. Just sayin'.
- So, other books mention how Dawn would look good in a burlap sack. So this one tells us that "Claudia would look great even if she were dressed in a brown paper bag." Noooooooooo! Don't give her any ideas!!!!!!
- OMG!!!! It's the one where Ben calls Mal a "bonzer sheila," hooray!!!!!!!!!!
- Oh, isn't it cute! The Thomas-Brewer kids have a weird routine for eating crackers. Woo.
- Okay, a sitter of the month contest? Really? Why?????? One, why would a bunch of kids who all adore the BSCers want them to compete? And who would approve this? What would it really accomplish? Okay, I'll shut up now. Repeat after me: "They're not real. They're silly books full of fictional characters and situations. And if you're wondering how they eat and breathe and other science facts, just repeat to yourself it's just a show, I should really just relax...[sung] for Mystery Science Theatre 3000."
- To be the perfect sitter, Dawn adds some characters to the retarded game "Let's All Come In." Bruce Stringbean, Darryl Blueberry and Ladonna. Lame.
- Yes!!!! (Wow, I'm really into multiple exclamation points and question marks today.) Sabrina Bouvier!!! Pageant-head!!!
- What kind of baby-sitter tells a four-year-old to answer the phone?
- Which letter do you think is better? "Dear Jeff,...How are you? How's good old California? I miss you." Or, "Dearest Little Bro,...What's up? What's fresh? Everything's cool back here in Stoneybrook. What's happening out there in sunny Cal?" Dude, the second one sounds like a high school principal trying to be hip. And failing. Miserably.
- Dawn's first communiqué from Mr. X: "You'd better watch out, you'd better not shout! I'm going to get you." Dude, I'm nearin' 30, and I'd still call my mom freaking out if I got something like that. Yet Dawn doesn't tell ANYONE. Dumbass.
- La la, let's make fun of Jackie Rodowsky again.
- Dude, even Shea Rodowsky thinks that the notes probably deserve police attention. What is wrong with these bitches?
- Dawn also thinks that Alan Gray is behind it all. Cause he has nothing better to do with his time than fuck with them.
- Ah, "camping" in the living room in a sleeping bag. I still do that, only it's PoBal's floor, and I'm usually a little tipsy.
- Becca convinces Jessy to let her watch, get this, "Snake Boy Loose in San Francisco." Best faux-Troma name ever.
- "Somebody" leaves Jessi a bouquet of flowers with the head cut off. Still, let's not tell our friends or parents. No, it's just a little creepy. Naw, couldn't be anything dangerous.
- Oh, no! "Someone" threatens the Pikes' hamster. [At this point, you gotta know it's a kid.]
- Okay, if you think Mr. X is in the secret passage, which, technically is in your house? Yeah, call the fucking cops.
- Oh, yeah. Mal's wicked embarrassed cause she called her teacher "Mom." And they all start comparing embarrassing stories that aren't actually embarrassing AT ALL.
- For a little while, Dawn suspects that Kristy is Mr. X. Cause she's A MAN!!!!! Or cause she doesn't get bothered.
- Another fake movie star. Rik Devine. Yep.
- No, Dawn, "The Capture of Mr. X" wouldn't make a great movie. It's a buncha baby-sitters springing a trap on a little kid.
- "A psychiatrist is like a doctor for your feelings." Excellent use of euphemism, Kristy. And yes, this kid needs a shrink.
- A seven-way tie between all the BSCers? Again, highly suspect. Maybe all the kids might decide that they all win, but there's no fucking way there is a draw between seven candidates. Fucking lame ending.
So, someone requested that I tell y'all what I'll be reading next week. I'll try. I don't always know this far in advance what the next book will be, but if I do, I'll try to remember to tell you. So...
Next week: Kristy for President (tentative).