So, remember the scary dead baby on the ceiling in Trainspotting? Well, the babies on the cover of this book look a little too much like that for comfort:
[Aside: There was a picture of Fiona Apple on the cover of some teen mag circa 1998 that also looked wicked like that dead baby, and it totally gave me nightmares after seeing the mag at 7-11. Yeah, I was in college. Got a problem with that?]
Ah, not much plot in this one. All the BSC take an infant care class because Kristy has to take one in order to take a regular job with the Prezziosos. And Kristy gets a perfect score. Woo-hoo. So, afterwards, there are lots of sitting jobs involving actual babies. And don't forget the titular Stoneybrook Baby Parade which only rolls around every other year. Apparently, the Baby Parade consists of assholes spending lots of money and effort on dragging a bunch of floats, wagons, strollers and screaming bebbies (3 and under) around d-town Stoneybrook. [Seriously, the fuck? A baby parade? Really? If these things really happen, I need to smack someone. Cause gathering that many infants in one place could be dangerous? Am I the only one who's seen that episode of the Simpsons with the baby-riots?] And the BSC decide to make a float and bring NINE BABIES (!!!!!?????!!!!!!) on it. That's five 13-year-olds and two 11-year-olds and a shit-ton of brats. (Oh, and Logan and Shannon get roped into watching all the older siblings of the babies.) But the BSC don't work together, so they wind up humiliating themselves and Saint Charlie, who gets roped into dragging the float along behind his car. Oh, and Kristy has to help Mrs. Prezzioso with her entry, though she really doesn't do too much. I'm still not even sure why that's in there. Cause K's all worried she'll get fired from her regular job if Baby Prezzioso doesn't win first place or something. Great, bounding leaps of logic here. Oh, and the big fight ends. What?
Blah. Stupid babies.
- Most ironically meta first sentence ever: "Okay, I admit it. I was bored."
- Wait, Kristy occasionally gets bored while sitting? Perhaps she's not a robot after all.
- Nanny's "husband died years ago." Dontcha just love how these girls talk about their dead relatives?
- Kristy on Emily Michelle [PS-Why do they usually call her by her first and middle name? It's not like there's another Emily in the fam.]: "She's adorable. Did I already tell you that? Well, she is. I looked at her glossy, straight black hair cut like a Dutch girl's. [The fuck?] I looked at her sparkling brown almond-shaped eyes. I looked at her plump, pink cheeks and at her sturdy little hands [huh?]...and at her round little tummy." Um, is it just me or is this vaguely creepy?
- Woo! Second week in a row mentioning the Red Sox.
- Gotta love vaguely bitchy pseudo-compliments: "Mary Anne tends to dress a little more stylishly than I do--there are times when she actually looks cool, which I never do." Um. Nice?
- Claud is "always up on the latest trend, whether it's big black shoes, tie-dyed leggings, or cool hats." Big black shoes never go out of style. They are not a trend. They are a way of life. Sure, there are times when they are harder to find, and that sucks.
- Pretzels are not boring. They are a wonderful snack food that happens to not be crappy for you. (Though, dipped in Nutella, they're definitely more on the junk food tip.)
- Lame! The BSCers wear their BSC t-shirts (totally forgot about these) to the infant care class.
- Hee. The woman teaching the class, Anita, has a "partner" named Don, and all the BSCers get a crush on him. Though, for some reason, that dissipates when they realize he's a dad. But not in a "I am NOT old enough to date someone with kids!" way. Or a "Great, now I have to be nice to his brats" way. I am a horrible person.
- Yes, in a room full of parents and parents-to-be, Kristy is the only one to think that a wailing baby might need a diaper change.
- There's this weird interjection about cloth diapers being better for the environment.
- A man is the only person other than Kristy to get a perfect score on their evaluations. And everyone is surprised. Cause, yeah.
- I don't care if Candy Land is boring, Kristy. You're the fucking babysitter. Get over yourself.
- "Andrea 'startled' at the noise. Anita had told us about that reflex. Babies do it when they hear a sudden sound. Her whole body seemed to jump, and her eyes flew wide open." Yeah, that happens to me pretty much ALL THE TIME. ADULTS STARTLE, TOO! I don't get the point of including this little tidbit. At all.
- Um, I really hate Jessi's handwriting. Way too flowy.
- Claud's got a real doozy of an outfit: "an oversized red blouse with black buttons, green leggings with white, tie-dyed streaks, and black high-top sneakers with all kinds of buckles and snaps on them." She's literally dressed like a watermelon. To the point that she's wearing watermelon earrings. FUUUUUUUUUG!
- Jamie Newton says "liberry." I suppose I should forgive him, because he's a fictional four-year-old. But fuck that. I hate when people say that!!!!! Somebody get me a wire hanger!
- Tra-la-la. All babies are so-oooooooooooo cute. [GAG.]
- All the girls have really fucking lame ideas for the float: baby baseball, baby surfing, baby kittens (with Tigger on the float), babies in New York, babies as Misty of Chincoteague, babies from outer space." Retarded.
- The theme they finally choose is "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe." Or, as Claudia spells it on the actual signs on the float: "Their was an old womman who lived in a sho," and "Thair was an old womann who lived in a shue." How does she spell really easy words differently at the same time? It makes my head hurt!!!!
- Oh, yeah. There's this whole thing about how Jenny wants to be in the parade with Andrea. Cause we care.
- Ah, in ancient times when Elmo "isn't on very often, so Squirt has to watch carefully in order to catch him." Now, you can watch Elmo jack off in Target. Aren't you glad we're alive now?
- The baby costumes are bright pink, and they clash horribly with the orangey-red of the shoe. I'm surprised that no one combines those colors in an outfit later in the book.
- The grand marshall of the parade is some old-timey cowboy named Slim Peabody. And Kristy ponders, "Why couldn't they have gotten somebody like Cam Geary to lead the parade?" Um, because cool and or genuinely famous people don't HOST FUCKING BABY PARADES IN SMALL TOWN CONNECTICUT! Whew. Sorry.
- So, the parade is a fucking disaster for the BSC. They actually failed at something involving with children. My world is collapsing around me. At this time of trouble, I need my friends for support. Too bad I'm not a member of the BSC. They are the best friends I'll (n)ever have.
- Babies dressed up like Star Wars characters...yeah. AKA, these dorks have way too much time on their hands. [Shut up! I...um...am sadly shaking my head in resignation.]
- Blah, fight's over. Oooh, communication.
Damn. That was a ridiculous one.