Monday, May 28, 2007

Time to let Mal keep the minutes; or, BSC #53: Kristy for President

I love it when Kristy learns the following lesson: She's not fucking perfect. Sure, I love seeing Kristy eat it.  Call me a bitch if you like, you surely wouldn't be the first. Of course, I would have loved it more if she'd actually lost the election...instead of being a FUCKING QUITTER!!!! Yeah. Let me take it back a few...

Cover? Kinda boring...siblings showing support, red-white-and-blue cliché, dog wearing the title of the book around her neck. Kristy's wearing a turtleneck, as she does.



The plot: Um, Claud and Stace convince Kristy to run for class president against Alan Gray, Grace-Cokie's-little-crony, and Pete Black.  But she's taken on a bit much, what with the sitting and the BSC and the Krushers and the family and the failing science grades and the campaigning. So, she drops out of the race. Blah. Oh, and Mal's running for 6th grade treasurer secretary.

Subplot: Jamie Newton gets a bike, and tortures all his sitters. And they all neglect Lucy in the process. Or something.

Short plot=lots of bullets.


  • Wow, Stacey's soooo sophisticated. And I don't just mean she's got capital knockers. No, she compares the SMS PA system to the announcements on the NYC subways. I personally like the announcements on the MBTA commuter rail.

  • Wow, Kristy's glad it's Friday. Whoop-di-shit. Just wait until she gets a job working for the female Michael Scott (I stole that from RNL).

  • Mr. Zorzi is a sub. What the hell kinda name is Zorzi?

  • Wow, a bunch of middle school kids just start following a couple of jokers. Big surprise. Middle school kids are sheep.

  • A reference to Bunnicula. Wow, someone's well-read. Or something.

  • Joking about nasty cafeteria food is wicked boring. And repetitive. And lame. And lazy.

  • Seriously, I don't want to read about how cute babies are. Or how cute Kristy's siblings are. Or sitting in general. I don't care about a fucking "leaf dance."

  • Kris-ty li-ikes Ba-art! Oh, wait. We already knew that.

  • Okay. So, this book has tons of outfits. Which makes up for the lack in last week's book. Cause that wasn't me being lazy, bitches. There weren't any in the book!!!!

  • "Today, for instance, Claudia was wearing lime green bicycle pants, a long, long bright pink shirt, and a cropped lime green striped shirt over that. She was also wearing black hightop leather sneakers with pink butterfly barrettes clipped to the laces. She had two feather earrings in one ear (lime green, of course), and a tiny pink heart in the other." Wait, a cropped top over a long, long shirt. That sounds...less than flattering.

  • "And real, live fruit. I mean an apple is okay, but it's not my first choice." The fuck?

  • "Like that Monday, she was wearing a black skirt and tights that were two colors: one leg was red and the other was black. And her shoes were shiny black and laced up to the ankles. She was also wearing this enormous black turtleneck sweater with red flecks in it, and one round red earring and one square black one. Her hair, which was in a mid-perm stage around her face, was pulled back with this silver lamé [and lame] band." While not crazy horrible, this outfit still SCREAMS 1989.

  • Oh, this shit cracks me up!!! There's this whole thing about how the school play is Mary Poppins, and how it's soooooo babyish. But, if I'm not mistaken, isn't that Stacey's fave movie? So, are they calling her babyish? She is mighty quiet during this discussion. Or, could it be that someone wasn't paying any attention whatsoever to continuity? Perhaps...

  • In reference to "right on," Dawn explains, "I think it's an old hippy expression." Stupid hippies. [Oh, so according to the American Oxford Dictionary--I heart Dashboard!!--hippy is a variant spelling of hippie, and, of course, it also means having large hips. I prefer to use the latter in this context. Just cause I hate Dawn.]

  • Ooh! Another Claud vs. Janine fashion showdown!!! "Standing next to each other, Claudia and Janine couldn't have looked more different, even though that day Claudia was dressed fairly conservatively: white jeans, red shoes with big bows, a tropical jungle shirt with each button shaped like a piece of fruit, and her hair pulled to one side with a banana barrette. But Janine, with her short hair and bangs, her pullover sweater, and plain skirt and loafers, make Claudia look extremely exotic." Swap out the loafers for some Docs, and Janine wins. Big time. Fruit buttons?

  • Ahem. "'I believe you would be glad to know that a pizza delivery has just been effected,' said Janine. She talks like that all the time. It's part of being a genius." Actually, it's part of being a pretentious ass. Trust me, I know. Also, shouldn't it be "affected?" Anyone?

  • Kristy's campaign slogan/logo thingee? "K+." Um, clever?

  • "According to Stacey, that was the way people in New York advertise things, especially rock concerts." Yes, the SMS president is a fucking rock star. Or something.

  • "As every baby-sitter and little kid knows, a shrug is like a maybe--it means yes." No, it doesn't. It means "I don't care" or "I'm not sure" or "My indecision knows no bounds" or "I really don't want to, but I don't want to tell you that." You know...

  • There's a whole bunch of shit about how Kristy's turning into Claud, at least grade-wise.

  • Okay, so Kristy's wearing "an enormous sweater of a sort of creamy brown, with little black and green stripes running across it" with black pants and loafers. And her complaint is that she looks "preppie." See, I always spelled it preppy [And spell check agrees with me].  Also, the fug? I can't picture this sweater at all, except as some sort of mutant girly Cosby sweater.

  • Lucky us! We get a Grace outfit, too! "Her makeup was about three feet thick, and she was wearing a pale blue sweater, matching stirrup pants, and a ton of jewelry." Wow, that sounds flattering. And classy.

  • Oh, yeah. There's also this thing about Special Ed kids that I can't quite figure out. Maybe I was paying more attention to South Park than to this lame fucker.

  • Um, does the middle school really have a fencing team?

  • Wow, a baby Lucy outfit, too! [And you thought I was kidding about lots of outfits.] "Lucy...was wearing lavender overalls with pink stars on them, a pink shirt, pink socks, and little purple sneakers with shoelaces that had stars and moons on them." Wow, someone's really trying to indoctrinate this baby with traditional femininity. Also, she's a fucking baby. Why's she all dressed up for puking in the playpen? And does she need shoelaces? And didn't Claud wear this exact outfit in some super special? [I kid. Sort of.]

  • Not done yet! "Stacey had pulled her hair back into a braid with a silver hat pin stuck through it. She was wearing purple capri pants, soft black flat ankle boots, black-and-white-striped socks, and a black-and-white-checked shirt, only the checks were all different sizes. She had square silver earrings in her ears." Again, can't really picture the shirt. And "soft black?" Is the material soft? Or the color? Or my mind?

  • "Claud's hair was down, but she was wearing a hat. On the green hat ribbon was pinned "Kristy+" button. Her tights were orange and her dress was tie-dyed every color you could think of. She was wearing her feather earrings, and she'd drawn a star on her face next to her right eye." This is another über-Blossom outfit. Crossed with a dirty, dirty hippie.

  • Kristy gives a big speech when she ends her candidacy. Cause everyone fucking cares.

  • Oh, and Mal wins.



Hooray! It's done! I totally would have loved to see Grace win, just to piss Kristy off, and cause middle school elections ARE a fucking popularity contest. But Pete Black wins. And fairies and unicorns dance around in celebration.

Next week, "Maid Mary Anne." Probably.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, in this case, I think it is "effected". In its only use as a verb, to effect means to make something happen; for example, "to effect change". I think when you affect something the affecting is less momentous than effecting.

As a side note, affect can also be used as a noun, but that's even less common than using effect as a verb.

In the end, however, one can only conclude that Janine is a loser.

Man, what a comment to leave. Well, mad props to you and your BSC adventures!

Tiff said...

This is an example of when I would choose a different wording, just cause it looks ridiculous...And it sounds even funnier. Lame.

Anonymous said...

I went to a school that had a fencing team! Of course it was a private school...and it sadly lacked the BSC.

Anonymous said...

I thought "babyish" was a word the whole world used 'til I closed the BSC chapter of my life (now reopened, but not under the same misguided impression!). Babyish. Babyish.

Kills me.

And yeah, "effected." But how much you wanna bet ANM/ghostwriter just picked one and went with it?

Kate said...

Let me just say that I absolutely LOVE that you referenced the MBTA commuter rail!!!

e said...

Ok, I just discovered this blog (by way of the Sweet Valley High blog on LiveJournal) and I love you for creating it.

I loved BSC as a pre-teen and looking back at these stories now (and the outfits) is hilarious. I think I stopped reading them around 50, though.

"She was wearing purple capri pants, soft black flat ankle boots, black-and-white-striped socks, and a black-and-white-checked shirt, only the checks were all different sizes." This makes my brain hurt just trying to picture it. What is AMM's deal with ankle boots!? And with socks no less!?!?!

lisa said...

Live fruit? The hell? Is that directly opposed to the fruit on Claudia's shirt?

I vaugely remember this one, though I don't own it, which makes me a little bit sad? ...Nah.

Anonymous said...

I remember reading about those fruit buttons SO clearly. How weird!!

Sarah said...

Oddly enough, that outfit of Kristy's was the first thing that came to mind when I saw that you were reading this book.

The BSC books seriously were all about the outfits...not to mention that if Stacy or Claudia had walked into my small town grade eight classes dressed in those outfits, they would likely be ostracized until the end of time. A shirt with fruit buttons and a banana hair clip!!

Grace said...

What is a lame' headband?

lilysela said...

aaah this is one of my favourite posts ever! its hilarious

and the fact that I got to read the book in advance made it even better!

Anonymous said...

he he but you could said that Janine made the announcement in an affected manner ;)

K said...

What I remember most about this book is that someone (Grace?) mentioned that light blue is the most flattering if you are going to be on 'TV.' So of course, I took this to heart and wore some gross light blue sweater in a ridiculous 8th grade school project video. Umm...flattering? Or I looked like me. But fatter. And with bright red cheeks (no doubt from being humiliated that I took advice from a BSC book...and that it failed me). Whichever.

Margie said...

Wait, Mal ran for treasurer? When did she run for secretary then? Stupid Mallory.

LaLa said...

Ann M. Martin. Note to self: When in doubt, call Claudia as "exotic".

Kumquatwriter said...

Hey--Have just discovered your journal (throught LiveJournal's BSC forum), and have to post and say how acute, distant, and incredibly dibbly your blog is. I've just turned 30 and have started collecting the BSC books I used to read--and the apparently seven-thousand shitty follow-up books that were ghostwritten since I outgrew the books at fourteen. Right.

Oh, if you're looking for cover art, I found this: http://dibbly-fresh.com/gallery which is handy.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Kate's post above about the reference to the MBTA :)

Peaches said...

No one has yet mentioned that on the cover, Kristy''s bedroom is all pink and the bedspread has ruffles on it. I thought Kristy hated pink? Didn't one of the books describe Kristy's bedroom having sports posters all over the walls? That bothered me everytime I looked at this book.

stephanie said...

I forgot that Stacey used to get perms all the time.

Perms...awesome.

Annie said...

Not to mention, who the hell wears capris with ankle boots?? If it's warm enough to wear capris, you'd think she'd be wearing sandals or something...but of course, the BSC had this crazy love affair with ankle boots being The Height of Trendy...WTF??

Margie said...

^-- agreed with the ankle boot/capri thing. Although I see people today wearing capris with knee-high boots, which IMHO looks even worse. Dude. Just... wear pants. An inch of knee flesh is so not hot. Damn you, BSC, for corrupting the fashion world even now.

Rebecca said...

i bet Kristy wears the turtlenecks to hide the hickeys she gets from Bart

Anonymous said...

i don't get the K+ thing :(

Anonymous said...

I always thought the "soft black flat ankle boots" had something to do with the shoes being like dance shoes (soft on the bottom) or being slouchy boots. Or both at the same time. Whichever option, they are heinous.

beth said...

So- I must be a bitch! I HATED Janine b/c she was so obviously not dibbly-fresh....however- I am approaching my 30's and NOW, I totally wear her outfits when I "dress-up"-hee, J/k! I did have a problem with the Kristy bedroom shit,tho! I mean "Hello, ANM(which it IS ANM, not AMM)!" Please do us all a favor and remember, Kristy IS the tom-boy (aka: most likely to "Go DOWNTOWN") member of the BSC!! Oh- don't kid yourself.... she wore the turtlenecks (season-in, season-out) to conceal the hickey's she recieved from her "experiment" sessions with Stacey.............

aces said...

I thought it was funny that the way we, i.e. normal people, spell preppy and hippie, ANM completely reversed. Preppie and hippy. the fuck?

Anita said...

I never understood why Kristy had a "vote for Kristy" poster....above her headboard. Kinda makes you want to make dirty jokes about it. Like Kristy was fucking for votes or something. I don't understand the whole thing with David Michael tying the bandanna on Shannon. Um, Kristy lived in a neighborhood where everybody went to another school except for her. I mean everybody who looks at the dog, it doesn't apply to them.

Anonymous said...

why IS it ANM and not AMM?

Anonymous said...

I never understood why Kristy wore turtlenecks and jeans either. If she was always playing sports, shouldn't she wear sweats and a tee-shirt all the time?

Anonymous said...

Hey!

I love this blog! I just found a big box of these books in my room at my 'rents house.... I don't think I'll ever read them again though (esp since you're doing the work for me), so would anyone want to buy them from me? If so, send me a myspace message - http://myspace.com/christinab27

If not they will get donated to a library. BSC forever!

Anonymous said...

OK, friends. Best Claudia outfit ever -- BSC #119: Stacey's Ex-Boyfriend, page 11.

"Today, for instance, she was dressed entirely in animal prints. She was wearing a long-sleeved zebra-print leotard under leopard-print overall shorts. A tiger-stripe scarf was tied around her neck and her hair was caught up into a ponytail with a lizard print scrunchie. Her earrings were two orange-spotted giraffes."

Never mind the animal prints -- overall SHORTS and a SCRUNCHIE in the same outfit? WTF?

Anonymous said...

I'm sure it is AMM, all my BSC books say that, plus http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_M._Martin

Love the blog! I've been reading it for a while but never posted before. Sadly for some reason I don't have many of the later books, which is weird considering I'm young enough to have started liking them just as they were ending...
Your blog is so funny. I can't believe that I ever thought their outfits sounded cool, though I think I grew out of that misconception pretty quickly. I remember wondering how Stacey's outfits were 'sophisticated'- where on earth did AMM/ghostwriters get their ideas on fashion from? What mind puts these things together?!

Love the blog!

Tess said...

Hahaha to the jungle outfit. But I have seen a heap of overall shorts last summer. The thing at Cott beach was playsuits or overall shorts!

Anonymous said...

I say ANM because I then pronounce it "Ann M." If I see AMM then I pronounce it "AM" and it seems weird to me ;)

j said...

About Kristy's pink bedspread...

I just reread Dawn and The Older Boy yesterday and in it Dawn mentions Kristy being under her pink bedspread. I think it was also ruffly.

I didn't understand why she'd have a pink room either. Oddly, there was contiuity with that by the ghost writers and ANM, but nothing else.

roxy said...

hello, you need to read "kristy and the dirty diapers" ASAP and if you don't have it, i'll give you mine. i am like 5 pages in and kristy is Such A Bitch already.

incidentally when i was little and we played BSC, i claimed the office of president, but i also got to be claudia, because kristy was such a dick.

roxy said...

no, seriously, kristy just said, "at least mallory would be there. that's better than nothing. but just barely."

nancy said...

Roxy, Kristy is a gimp but I have to say, she's got a point with that Mallory comment. If anything, she held back..

Yecats said...

I dunno if it has been mentioned yet (or at all), but does anyone remember the soundtrack to the movie?

I've been trying to download it (cause god-forbid you can find 10 year old music in stores now) and getting no-where. I don't live in america, so buying it from amazon (at $1.19 for a used copy) is a bit insane.

Can anyone help a kiwi-in-need?

e-mail yecats_pixzee @ hotmail.com if you're able to satisfy my urges to listen to the soundtrack.

Thanks!!

Anonymous said...

Hey Tiff, have you got #1? Cause I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see you do that one! That book alone is the only one that really makes the girls seem their freakin' age. AND KRISTY WEARS DRESSES!!!11!!

Amanda said...

OMG- Just found your blog and I am in love-- Did you read the one where Stacey and her mom are stranded in a blizzard and meet a family that needs a babysitter!! Ha- Fabulous

Krista said...

Dammit, are you kidding me? Is THIS BOOK where I heard that light blue looks best on television? Good Lord and to think I've been passing that off as fact!

colleenn said...

uiuxb"While not crazy horrible, this outfit still SCREAMS 1989."

^Yes, but wasn't this book published in like 1993? They're outfits never seem to change much with the fashions of the times. They're middle schoolers in 1993? Where is the plaid in the flannel? And who permed their hair after 1991 or so? "Sophistiated" Stacey should have been on the cutting-edge of hairstyles. :P Do the later books catch up with the fashion trends a little?

And yay for the MBTA! I had to ride the commuter rail out to see my boyfriend after work for about a year before he moved closer, and every day the damn announcer said the exact same thing in the same intonation... so annoying.

colleenn said...

^whoops. hehe. somehow the "word verification" thingie ended up at the start of my comment rather than in the word verification box. :P

Peaches said...

Okay, on the cover of Super Special # 11, all of the BSC is having a slumber party in Kristy's room, and the room has sports posters up and a BLUE bedspread! Also I found this website : www.marykennedy.net/publishing.htm
which proves that Mary Kennedy wrote at least two of the BSC books and not Miss Martin.

Christine said...

Are you going to snark on the California Diaries as well as the BSC books? That would be so excellent!

DUCK said...

Why do they have to say how bad Claudia's grades are like every 10 seconds?
"OH MY GOSH! MY GRADES ARE AS BAD AS CLAUDIA'S!"
And I've never met anyone who spells like Claudia. I bet AMM doesn't like Asians.

Kristen said...

There was one book....I think the one where Stacey quits and hangs out with "bad girls" where said bad girls are wearing jeans and flannel. But Stacey still describes crazy outfits that don't match.

I still remember the day that my friend and I had a conversation where we admitted that Claudia and Stacey dressed like lunatics. It was the first time I had ever said anything out loud that was negative about the BSC.

Anonymous said...

I just found this blog and it's fricking hilarious. Thanks for letting me revisit my BSC days without feeling like a complete doofus.

Michelle said...

Hehe, loved it! By the way, my middle school had a fencing team, though it isn't the norm...

poppy said...

hi there, can't wait for you to do Maid Mary Anne coz that book sucks and so does she; and then i think you should do "Dawn saves the Planet", that book has to be one of the worst BSC books ever, I HATE DAWN! lol, anyway i love your blog :p

Anonymous said...

I just read this post yesterday and wondered WTF was up with the middle school fencing team (I teach middle school, no way in hell would we ever let them touch swords). Then I was flipping through a Super Special today and noticed a comment by Abby that SMS doesn't have a volleyball team. The hell? They have fencing but not volleyball? Brilliant.
- Lauren

notebookinhand said...

I read that as 'when she ends her celibacy'.

lisa said...

Mr. Zorzi is a weird name, yes... but I read one the other day - I can't remember which one it was. It was one about Mary Anne... but anyway none of the babysitters figure out that Marilyn Arnold's friend "Gozzie Kunka" is fake. They all just comment on what an usual name it is.

Michelle said...

This is great, a huge parody of the Little Sister books...I'm crying, I'm laughing so hard.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3529164/1/

Love the blog, brightens up my day when I read it!

Anonymous said...

Middle School Fencing team....

Didn't they have an archery team too? Mallory of all people was on it.

Sarah said...

I'm pretty sure Lucy let Dawn borrow those lavender overalls when she went on that hot date with Parker on the cruise in Super Special # 1!

Christy said...

"But Janine, with her short hair and bangs, her pullover sweater, and plain skirt and loafers, make Claudia look extremely exotic." Swap out the loafers for some Docs, and Janine wins. Big time.

Actually, swap out the loafers for some Docs, and you've got Asian Daria.

I happened upon this blog today and I'm cracking up. Good work!

LeahZ said...

Claudia's purple capris and fruit buttons bring to mind current day Christopher and Banks.