Whew. Had to get that out. Because this book sucked giant monkey balls. Seriously.
Even the cover sucks.
1: From the neck down, Dawn is a man. I think my dad has those jeans.
2: Is that poster supposed to be informative? Cause it's not.
3: What do you think the kids are whispering? Are they distracted by the slight bulge in Dawn's pants? Cause I am.
Ze plot! Dawn is obnoxious. Yep. See, there's this project for science about ecology, and she and Stacey teach a class for the Stoneybrook kiddies about saving the planet. And everyone turns into eco-nazis. And they have a "Green Fair." And Dawn decides SMS needs a recycling program AND it needs to be a recycling center for the whole town. And Dawn decides to singlehandedly police the fucking world, yelling at anyone who does anything that might be even mildly bad for the environment. And then everybody hates her (Wheeeeeee!), and they don't vote for her to chair the recycling program. And she's all bitter and hurt and sucky. Oh, and the BSC finally jump in and tell the bitch that she's being a bitch, and if she doesn't watch her step, she'll get shived. Oh, wait. That was my fantasy, that whole shiving thing. And Dawn realizes the error of her ways or something. And she gets invited to co-chair the recycling program, which means she'll have to work hard and give up some Saturdays or whatever. Blah, happy ending.
So. Fucking. Painful.
- PoBal wants me to drop a blow job joke about Dawn's statement on the first page: "The sight of a hot dog makes me want to gag!" Instead, I'll leave it up to you, faithful readers, to come up with as many BJ jokes as you can in honor of her upcoming 28th birthday.
- Not much on the outfit tip in this bitch. However, "Mary Anne is sort of preppie when it comes to clothes. She wears pleated wool skirts and neat white blouses, stuff like that..." So, when Mary Anne wears it, it's preppy, but when Janine does, she's some sort of brainiac freak?
- Wow, nobody really talks about acid rain much anymore.
- Do you think Al Gore referred to this book at all during the planning stages of An Inconvenient Truth? Cause I think it might be his Bible.
- Apparently, Claudia "dresses in ultra bright colors that look great with her jet black hair."
- Here we go: "Of all of us, I'd say Stacey is the coolest dresser. Today she was wearing floral leggings, a pink shirt with big sleeves [huh?], and a long vest covered in antique pins. A black fedora with a red cloth rose was perched on top of her shoulder length hair." Niiiiice.
- Did you know that children with uncombed hair are wild? Or that having uncombed hair is indicative of a messy home life? Is that my excuse? Or am I just too lazy to comb my hair?
- The thing about cutting the plastic rings that keep a six-pack together? Yeah, I still do that. Prolly cause of this book. And my fear that Dawn would hunt me down and bitch me out.
- I don't ever say I "dialed" a person. I dial a number. And, granted, these days I use speed dial or the phone book in my cell, but still.
- Why would you want to put on a "Green Fair?" And aren't big cardboard booths bad for the environment?? And isn't walking on the dirt bad for the planet? Mr. Show told me it is.
- Is glitter ink environmentally sound, Dawn?
- Heh. Green fairies. Someone's been drinking the absinthe!
- SHUT UP, DAWN!!!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!! DON'T TELL CLAUD WHAT KIND OF CANDY TO BUY WHEN SHE JUST GAVE YOU FREE FOOD!
- Don't they vaccinate for the measles?
- Jessi's going to be taking some classes with some famous NYC dancer who has nothing better to do than teach a bunch of kids in Connecticut. And it's never mentioned again.
- I would like to see the world where all of the tossed off plots and events wind up. Like, The Island of Misfit Plot Devices.
- Pike kids=Green Meanies. Because they're eco-fascists.
- They set up Green School to teach the infidels.
- Vanessa writes to the Queen of England. Who had nothing better to do in the early 90s. And who really exerts huge quantities of influence over public policy in the U.K. Oh, wait.
- Nicky writes to the prez.
- And where is a Pike kid getting the bucks to send mail to England and Japan?
- Dawn, haven't you learned to back the fuck off when M.A. is getting pissy? She'll call your fat ass on all kinds of shit.
- Yes, Dawn. Haranguing is an effective way to bring people around to your way of thinking. (Now I have "Sister Havana" stuck in my head again.)
- Oh my lord, Woody Jefferson and Trevor Sandbourne totally faced the cafeteria lady when they brought brie, paté and a bottle of sparkling cider for lunch today! It was so, so funny! Can you believe it? [Now we return to our regularly scheduled snark.]
- Yes, Dawn is a fucking bossy bitch.
- And she shames the children. Intentionally. Even I don't do that.
- Dawn is horrified (and a little in denial) that people are calling her obnoxious. Yes, I'm actually agreeing with Cokie and Grace.
- And she's all sulky and refuses to help out with the recycling program cause she lost. Lame.
- Stupid fucking toilet monster. Not ever funny. Quit bringing it up.
- Bugs gross Kristy out to the point where she can't eat. Weak. Isn't she supposed to be all butch?
- I can't even bring myself to catalog all the Dawn lameness. So, so lame.
- Gotta love when giant, stewing problems that have been building up for weeks blow over in a few minutes. Ah, reality.
- Nitpicky Tiff time: it takes "Stacey the Math Whiz" to tally up the money made from selling ten bird houses. And the grand total is $20. So, each one cost $2? Does that make me a math whiz, too?
- They donate the proceeds from the Green Fair to the SMS recycling program! Woo! Hooray! Exciting! Amazing!
- A thirty page paper? Maybe grad school jaded me, but two people writing that and including charts and lists, etc. isn't terribly impressive. But then, I wrote two 30 page papers and moved in the course of 4 days once. Who wants to touch me? I said, who wants to fucking touch me?
- Blah. Dawn learns a lesson of togetherness. How fucking sweet.
- And the recycling program was never heard from again.
Wow. That blew. Big time. Never want to see this fucking book again. Inspires violence. Required a long conversation with my favorite distraction to get me through it yesterday.
Next week, BSC in the USA. Tune in for tornadoes, ancestral plantations, unwise parenting and RVs. And those stupid fucking horses of Chincoteague. Or whatever.