Monday, June 11, 2007

I couldn't believe my ears; or, BSC #57: Dawn Saves the Planet

Holy fucking shit! Shut the fuck up, Dawn! You must die!

Whew. Had to get that out. Because this book sucked giant monkey balls. Seriously.

Even the cover sucks.

1: From the neck down, Dawn is a man. I think my dad has those jeans.
2: Is that poster supposed to be informative? Cause it's not.
3: What do you think the kids are whispering? Are they distracted by the slight bulge in Dawn's pants? Cause I am.

Ze plot! Dawn is obnoxious. Yep. See, there's this project for science about ecology, and she and Stacey teach a class for the Stoneybrook kiddies about saving the planet. And everyone turns into eco-nazis. And they have a "Green Fair." And Dawn decides SMS needs a recycling program AND it needs to be a recycling center for the whole town. And Dawn decides to singlehandedly police the fucking world, yelling at anyone who does anything that might be even mildly bad for the environment. And then everybody hates her (Wheeeeeee!), and they don't vote for her to chair the recycling program. And she's all bitter and hurt and sucky. Oh, and the BSC finally jump in and tell the bitch that she's being a bitch, and if she doesn't watch her step, she'll get shived. Oh, wait. That was my fantasy, that whole shiving thing. And Dawn realizes the error of her ways or something. And she gets invited to co-chair the recycling program, which means she'll have to work hard and give up some Saturdays or whatever. Blah, happy ending.

So. Fucking. Painful.

  • PoBal wants me to drop a blow job joke about Dawn's statement on the first page: "The sight of a hot dog makes me want to gag!" Instead, I'll leave it up to you, faithful readers, to come up with as many BJ jokes as you can in honor of her upcoming 28th birthday.

  • Not much on the outfit tip in this bitch. However, "Mary Anne is sort of preppie when it comes to clothes. She wears pleated wool skirts and neat white blouses, stuff like that..." So, when Mary Anne wears it, it's preppy, but when Janine does, she's some sort of brainiac freak?

  • Wow, nobody really talks about acid rain much anymore.

  • Do you think Al Gore referred to this book at all during the planning stages of An Inconvenient Truth? Cause I think it might be his Bible.

  • Apparently, Claudia "dresses in ultra bright colors that look great with her jet black hair."

  • Here we go: "Of all of us, I'd say Stacey is the coolest dresser. Today she was wearing floral leggings, a pink shirt with big sleeves [huh?], and a long vest covered in antique pins. A black fedora with a red cloth rose was perched on top of her shoulder length hair." Niiiiice.

  • Did you know that children with uncombed hair are wild? Or that having uncombed hair is indicative of a messy home life? Is that my excuse? Or am I just too lazy to comb my hair?

  • The thing about cutting the plastic rings that keep a six-pack together? Yeah, I still do that. Prolly cause of this book. And my fear that Dawn would hunt me down and bitch me out.

  • I don't ever say I "dialed" a person. I dial a number. And, granted, these days I use speed dial or the phone book in my cell, but still.

  • Why would you want to put on a "Green Fair?" And aren't big cardboard booths bad for the environment?? And isn't walking on the dirt bad for the planet? Mr. Show told me it is.

  • Is glitter ink environmentally sound, Dawn?

  • Heh. Green fairies. Someone's been drinking the absinthe!


  • Don't they vaccinate for the measles?

  • Jessi's going to be taking some classes with some famous NYC dancer who has nothing better to do than teach a bunch of kids in Connecticut. And it's never mentioned again.

  • I would like to see the world where all of the tossed off plots and events wind up. Like, The Island of Misfit Plot Devices.

  • Pike kids=Green Meanies. Because they're eco-fascists.

  • They set up Green School to teach the infidels.

  • Vanessa writes to the Queen of England. Who had nothing better to do in the early 90s. And who really exerts huge quantities of influence over public policy in the U.K. Oh, wait.

  • Nicky writes to the prez.

  • And where is a Pike kid getting the bucks to send mail to England and Japan?

  • Dawn, haven't you learned to back the fuck off when M.A. is getting pissy? She'll call your fat ass on all kinds of shit.

  • Yes, Dawn. Haranguing is an effective way to bring people around to your way of thinking. (Now I have "Sister Havana" stuck in my head again.)

  • Oh my lord, Woody Jefferson and Trevor Sandbourne totally faced the cafeteria lady when they brought brie, paté and a bottle of sparkling cider for lunch today! It was so, so funny! Can you believe it? [Now we return to our regularly scheduled snark.]

  • Yes, Dawn is a fucking bossy bitch.

  • And she shames the children. Intentionally. Even I don't do that.

  • Dawn is horrified (and a little in denial) that people are calling her obnoxious. Yes, I'm actually agreeing with Cokie and Grace.

  • And she's all sulky and refuses to help out with the recycling program cause she lost. Lame.

  • Stupid fucking toilet monster. Not ever funny. Quit bringing it up.

  • Bugs gross Kristy out to the point where she can't eat. Weak. Isn't she supposed to be all butch?

  • I can't even bring myself to catalog all the Dawn lameness. So, so lame.

  • Gotta love when giant, stewing problems that have been building up for weeks blow over in a few minutes. Ah, reality.

  • Nitpicky Tiff time: it takes "Stacey the Math Whiz" to tally up the money made from selling ten bird houses. And the grand total is $20. So, each one cost $2? Does that make me a math whiz, too?

  • They donate the proceeds from the Green Fair to the SMS recycling program! Woo! Hooray! Exciting! Amazing!

  • A thirty page paper? Maybe grad school jaded me, but two people writing that and including charts and lists, etc. isn't terribly impressive. But then, I wrote two 30 page papers and moved in the course of 4 days once. Who wants to touch me? I said, who wants to fucking touch me?

  • Blah. Dawn learns a lesson of togetherness. How fucking sweet.

  • And the recycling program was never heard from again.

Wow. That blew. Big time. Never want to see this fucking book again. Inspires violence. Required a long conversation with my favorite distraction to get me through it yesterday.


Next week, BSC in the USA. Tune in for tornadoes, ancestral plantations, unwise parenting and RVs. And those stupid fucking horses of Chincoteague. Or whatever.


RNL said...

The phrase "Who wants to touch me?" can lead to international intrigue, you know. I prefer Cam'Ron's more efficient "Who could fuck with me?" (from "Get 'em girs" off 2004's Purple Haze). Tho both are dependent on context, natch.

andrea said...

I never read this one because I had the episode from the TV show on video... but I guess in that one she saves the trees, not the planet. Whatever, still annoying.

Anonymous said...

Jeez, Dawn really is such a bitch. It's hard to figure out which BSC member is the least likeable, her or Stacey, but I'm starting to lean towards Dawn because at least with Stacey you get the trainwreck experience of watching her fashion.

veronica said...

They totally changed the cover for the re-release! On the new cover, Dawn is all sweet and smiley and not manly. I guess the editors thought she looked too bitchy on the original cover, but it's much funnier that way.

Dawn said...

Dawn's eyebrows annoy the crap out of me on the cover. That and the fact that she looks really mean- I could never bring myself to re-read this book, I get so embarrasesed for Dawn.

lisa said...

I loved Dawn as a kid but now she just makes me want to punch something. Such a bitch!
I loved the South Park reference in there, by the way ;)
I'll touch you and go "ooooh!" But in a cute way like Butters, not in a creepy way.

I got really frustrated nobody just turned around and let Dawn have it in this one.

glittergirley said...

Im re-reading most of the bsc books again and i have to say the two characters i hate the most are jessi and dawn - jessi because they make her so stereotypically black (does she ever NOT talk about being black? i mean, claud doesnt even talk about being japanese that much). and dawn because HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP no one in california is like her. I'm from norcal and for the longest time i thought socal people were all hippy losers.

oh and one other thing - they all talk about how gross tofu is and how only dawn likes it - but HELLO claud is japanese. they eat TOFU. god! tofu is an asian thing, and yet they make it seem like only hippy californians eat it!! AHH!! okay im over it.

i love this blog.

Madeleine said...

This is one of the books th at I refuse to read, simply because Dawn sounds uber annoying in it. Based on this, i'd better not read it!!

Rebecita said...

A Dawn book! I just picked up the first BSC book I saw at the library today, and it turned out to be "Dawn's Big Move." Too bad I didn't consult your review beforehand, or I would have learned that "The plot of this one was really, really boring." Boh. That's ok, I'll read it anyway for the arrowroot shoutout.

Bec said...

Another note on the cover: does it concern anyone that they are having a class in the middle of a forest? Is putting an easel like stand into the ground affecting the soil composition? Dawn, did you REALLY not think of that?!

I'm very much looking forward to the BSC in the USA book. Only having read this for the first time at the beginning of the year, I have so, so many bones to pick with it! However I'm sure you'd do a better job than I, so I eagerly await next week.

Nancy said...

Do you think ANM ever pictured the outfits she spawns? Becuase that one of Stacey's has left me quite distressed.

Anonymous said...

BSC in the USA is a super-special, isn't it? i am SO excited for that!

oh, and i hate dawn. doesn't everyone?

NiceOrc said...

"I would like to see the world where all of the tossed off plots and events wind up. Like, The Island of Misfit Plot Devices."

Try "The Well of Lost Plots" by Jasper Fforde - very funny book!

Thank you for pointing out exactly why I never liked these books!

Kate said...

Because of this book, I got my friends to join me in bringing sparkling cider and other "fancy food" to lunch, including a tablecloth, candlesticks (without actual candles), and crystal goblets.

We were seniors in high school and thought it was pretty funny.

Also, I love BSC in the USA! I hate most of the later books, but this is a great one.

Renee said...

Wait, glittergirley! You mean, Jessi is black?! /end snark.

coquelicot said...

Just out of curiosity--did anyone ever win or enter to win the charm bracelet that's advertised on the cover?

Lauren said...

What I always think about with this book is how much paper all the Pike kids are wasting writing all these letters. Does Dawn really think that Nicky writing a letter to the president saying "I think we should save the earth" is goign to do anything?

TheShe said...

In reference to the comment about the BSC video that features Dawn launching an eco-campaign, isn't that the one in which a very young and dorky Zach Braff appears?

Clare said...

I believe the Island of Misfit Plots is located due east of the Saved by the Bell Bermuda Triangle.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone else notice that Stacey's outfit bears a strong resemblance to the outfit Molly Ringwald wears in the opening sequence of "Pretty in Pink?"

Anonymous said...

Does anyone remember some book where Jessi is celebrating Kwanza (or however the hell you spell it) and Kristy is like "Isn't that racist though?" and Jessi's like, "You're stupid." and Kristy's like, "Okay." ?

Anonymous said...

Is that "Happy Holidays, Jessi"? I vaguely remeber that book.

colleenn said...

I somehow never read this one even though it came out during the peak of my BSC interest. Weird. I own most of the books numbered in the 40s and 50s. I've also never read BSC in the USA... is this a super special from after I stopped reading? I think I bought that super special (#11 I think?) that at least in first editions came with a like metallic gold cover, and I think that's the last one I owned... and I only bought one because it was supposedly "special" for some reason or another.

Dawn and Stacey really stand out as being particularly bitchy in retrospect. I love how the pins on Stacey's vest are "antique" as if they're like old heirloom brooches or something and not the like "Don't Worry Be Happy" type smileyface buttons from the 80s that I'm sure they actually are.

Anonymous said...

Oh, man I just randomly read this one. Dawn used to be my favorite baby sitter, what was wrong with me? I think I just liked her because she had enough sense to move away.

I have to say that I'm pretty sure the longest paper I wrote in 8th grade was 5 pages. So if Dawn and Stacey wrote half the report each, that would be 15 pages (I'm a math whiz too!!) and that still seems like a lot for an 8th grader.

I'm very excited to hear about BSC in the USA, I never read that one and almost bought it used online since it looked insanely illogical and BSC-tastic.

Anonymous said... to snark on. By far. :) Oh how this book makes me hate all things BSC.

P.S. Tiff, do you think you could pimp this out? We're trying to get a BSC reunion book from ANM and the powers that be, and this needs to be passed around for anyone to listen to us. :)

Lae said...

When I was in 5th grade, I modeled myself after the BSC and thought a paper wasn't good unless it was 30+ pages

All my papers were written in like point 72 font . . . my teachers just loved that.

My theroy is that's how the BSC papers were written . . .but didn't they take place during the late 80's? Did most people have computers then? Maybe it was handwritten . . .which wouldn't have been that big of an accopmlishment.

sara said...

Yeaaah, and that was the one where Squirt got his little head whacked? Which I found really funny beause I was a sick little twit.

Anyways, I fully remember that scene . . .and going my 10 year old equlvant of "WTF" afterwards . . .

kiwimusume said...

Oh God. As soon as I saw the title, I thought "Tiff's gonna staaaaaaaaab her!!!" Even I thought Dawn was being way obnoxious there, and I usually saw things from the characters pov.

The part about Pike kids writing to Japan cracked my shit up. Partly from an Earth Logic perspective (why Japan, who in Japan, how do they know where to send it to, what do they know about Japan's environmental practices anyway? Cause I would die if the Pikes told them to start sorting their rubbish. They're manic rubbish sorters here.) But the funniest thing for me is the fact that this letter is in English and it's being sent to Japan. OK, so the government dudes probably have translators, but I teach English in Japan and I just have this mental picture of this Japanese bigwig opening scary English letter and reacting like the stereotypical Japanese kid in English class. That makes me giggle way too much.

Anonymous said...

The sight of a hot dog makes me want to gag!"

Ha! I'm sure the writers snuck in stuff like that for their own amusement. I mean, there's a character in one book with the last name Dumschat. C'mon.

poppy said...

I LOVE THIS BLOG! YAY so glad you reviewed this book, told you it sucks! BSC in the USA was one of my favourites. i think in that book Jessi's all "I'm black everyone else is racist! Mallory is racist blah blah I'm black!" Stupid Jessi!

Desci said...

Hee! I loved this recap (slightly more than usual) you're all ragey-like.

Kelly said...

Wow, this blog is awesome. (I just found out about it from Jackie.)

I haven't read BSC in years, but I think about this book every time I throw away a Ziploc bag because I know that if the Pike triplets could see me, they'd beat my ass.

Anonymous said...

andrea and theshea mentioned this...

Dawn Saves the Planet on YouTube! With Zach Braff

peaches said...

When I was in my full "BSC loving" mode I passed on this book simply because even at the age of 10 I knew that ANM probably got paid hella bucks to put this crap out there and all it would be is one giant lecture full of Dawn bitchiness.
Totally cracking up over the hot dog comment, as were the book editors when they passed the manuscript for this piece of shit around the table.
I actually liked the Happy Holidays Jessi! book, but really only because Aunt Ceceila caused the car crash and I thought that was funny.
I CANNOT wait until next week for "BSC in the USA!" I'm already planning my comments.
(rubs hands together in childish glee)

Anonymous said...

You seem to have started a upswing of quarter-life crisis suffering hipsters re-reading BSC books. Any change you'll tackle RL Stine's FEAR street once you get through BSC???

bibberly said...

Dawn in this book is basically me from 8th through 10th grade. My friends used to purposefully do anti-environmental things just to irritate me so I would give a lecture and they could mock me.
I've noticed that the libraries in my county don't have any Dawn or Mallory books, even though they have plenty of the books featuring the other girls.

Dinah said...

This book bugged the fuck out of me when I first read it.

Meanwhile, I am so glad I found this site. I'm going to be spending all my free time on here. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Been a fan of this blog for quite a while and only just got around to commenting! Got to say.. loving it loving it loving it sooooo much! You are a legend! Any plans to do #8 - 'Boy-Crazy Stacey'? that was always my favourite! Also loving the book cover pics - i live in the UK and we got different covers to you crazy Yanks!

Anonymous said...

anonymous at like 4 15 -

it is sad i know this blog well enough to know that tiff has done boy-crazy stacey

Ali said...

Is this the one where they mention how individually wrapped candies are bad? Because I totally remember that.

A 30 page paper for middle schoolers, or even high schoolers, is pretty intense. I mean...for 13 year olds, yeah, I think that's pretty long. I think when I was 13 an 8 page paper was scary haha.

beth said...

ANONYMOUS- What is the petition site??? I would soooo totally be on that board!!!! My idea follows as: Claud- the alcoholic, artist with "Daddy-issues"; Stacey- the past-prostitute who went to rehab at Promises for a coke habit, and is now going to school for her accounting degree while supporting her 3 fatherless children under the age of 10; Kristy- the lesbian with her "sports medicine" degree who can't find a job in a gay friendly community (you have to have SOME sort of conflict); MA- the "meth mom" in suburbia who married a man who works in the city and is never home to help out with the fam (she would most likely have 2 boys), she would also have issues with her love for the now-openly-gay Logan ("I Can Change Him" ); Dawn-she opened the world's most adventurous mail-order sex-shop, complete with costumes, sex swings and anal-beads; Mal- the activist for civil rights! Always having a problem with SOME UNJUSTICE in the USA! She would prolly be a reporter or author of true-life crime stories, and have, virtually, no sex life, given the random one-night stand; Jessi- she would have the most disappointing life of all! Her broken ankle in her debut of "Swan Lake" will devestate her! When she has "the Epiphany", her main goal in life will be teaching others the Art of tolerance. She and Mal would be, essentially, BFFs, so she was "the Token" for all Mal's expose's on culture wars or whatthefuckever! She will become a Senator only b/c Mal convinced her to become America's Spokesperson on Racial Issues...............Have I thought about this too much??

beth said...

SORRY!!! My OCD (lol) has me correcting myself-DEVASTATED.......

sarah said...

The thing that always got me about the 30 page paper that Dawn and Stacey each turned in a copy of because they were in different class periods was...isn't that a waste of paper? Like, the whole book, Dawn is freaking out if someone buys individually wrapped candy kisses, but sees nothing wrong with printing a duplicate 30 page report so that she and Stacey each have something to turn in?

Margie said...

The first 30 page paper I ever wrote was my senior college dissertation last month.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I don't think I ever read BSC in the USA, and I'm just wondering what on earth the title could refer to. I mean, aren't the books always set in the USA? Someone tell me, please - don't make me wait until next week!

Susan M said...

BSC in the USA was the cross country RV trip? right.. where Dawn's dad constantly made fun of Mary Anne's Dad and Karen desperately needed to see the Four Corners

Anonymous said...

yeah BSC in the USA is yet ANOTHER book about how watson decides to take the entire BSC on a trip

idk why he would want to though, kristy was always so bitchy to him

Bridget said...

I love, love , love this blog. I blame you totally, Tiff because I never get anything done at work. I also just snorted pop out of my nose over the "bulge in Dawn's pants" I have a new reason for living!!! Yes, that is truly pathetic.

Anonymous said...

All the posts about Watson always wanting to take the BSC on trips makes him sound like some child molester.

Anonymous said...

susan m-BSC in the USA was the cross country RV trip? right.. where Dawn's dad constantly made fun of Mary Anne's Dad and Karen desperately needed to see the Four Corners

Really? What a douche. If I were Richard (yes, I remember the name of Mary-Anne's dad), I would be all like- "Biatch, I'm banging yo wife!"

For this to work...Richard might have to be black.

Anonymous said...

Ex-wife, sorry.

Also, I'm confused too. Aren't all the books set in the USA?

What's the difference? :S

peaches said...

BSC in the USA is when the club takes a roadtrip across the USA. But they go in two different RVs one goes north and one goes south, and each girl picks a different place to stop along the way. The book's plot is totally contrived and would never really happen, but it's one of my favorite super specials anyway.

Colleen said...

Don't the parents get annoyed at the BSC for running all of these "classes"? I wonder if they are all, "don't I pay these bitches enough"?

As my thirtieth birthday is approaching, I realize I am pretty much the same age as some of the parents in this book, espesh the ones with the younger children.

Wouldn't it have been awesome to have a chapter written from a parent's perspective? Or maybe a whole series about the parents- kind of like Little Children? Someone get on that.

Richard said...

1: From the neck down, Dawn is a man.

i can identify.

Anonymous said...

Ya know, I was starting to write a BSC reunion super special ten years later at Mary Anne and Logan's wedding. Mary Anne is this total Christian bitch who hasn't spoken to Kristy in 8 years after Kristy came out as a lesbian. Logan is scared to tell M.A. he's gay and that he and Robert (Stacy's ex) experimented in high school. Dawn gets thrown in jail at an anti-Bush environmental protest and can't return for the wedding. I forget my conflict for the others, but Claudia was an overweight Bohemian artist in NYC. All the candy caught up with her. Wow...that's sad I thought all that up. I can't wait to see BSC in the USA mocked though.

Anonymous said...

This blog is freaking hilarious. I love how all the commenters are so serious... chatting about the plot and pictures and such. Really, we're all here to read your awesome recaps full of swearing and references to our childhood.

Love it!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my cute little BSC "all grown up" type thing went like this:

Kristy and Bart got preggers at 15; Claud lives in NYC as some struggling artist who really waits tables for a living; Mary Anne broke up with Logan in 12th grade, ended up marrying Byron Pike and became a child psychologist; Stacey had some lesbian experiences with Anna (Abby's sister) in like 10th grade, got all confused and ran away from home; Dawn moved back to Stoneybrook, dated Pete Black in ninth grade, but then dropped him, and he was so depressed that he killed himself in 11th grade, and she went through all kinds of issues and psycho-ness, then finally moved back out to California; Mal won some prestigious writing award at her boarding school, moves to Australia with Ben and gets married; Jessi's dream comes true... moves to NYC, does the whole Ballet Company thing, is rich and famous (yeah I got bored with Jessi); Abby, believe it or not, becomes an amputee at age 15 after a car crash (I believe Claud was driving... maybe that's why she moved to NYC... can't remember anymore), but she and Alan Gray still fall in love and end up getting married; Logan and Shannon, both being the result of failed marriages, end up together.

And Vanessa and Buddy get married, after she has two children and an abusive marriage with some other jerk. last job was REALLY boring and I had plenty of time to think. >_>

Taren said...

When you write about BSC in the USA could you bring up the fact that it's never explained how they're going to get home? Sure, Jack Schafer lives in CA, but the rest live in CT and obviously can't all fit in the same RV to get home. It took two weeks to get there and probably another two weeks to get home. Who takes month long vacations?

that70sheidi at Yahoo dot com said...

"Dawn, haven't you learned to back the fuck off when M.A. is getting pissy? She'll call your fat ass on all kinds of shit."

Laughed till I coughed. Three thumbs up!

Hey, do you need any books? I have a bunch stored somewhere I'm willing to send. I think they're the 80s books though, if that makes a difference. No one bought any at our garage sale, IMAGINE THAT!!!

Anonymous said...

Another favorite Dawn bitchy book is Dawn and The School Spirit War. There is practically a riot at the school about it and someone writes Go Back to CA on her locker. Awesome.

I really love this blog. Especially since you point out the two things that I hate about the BSC books. One that BSCers never involve their parents in anything, even when there is danger. Two, that the BSCers always know better than the parents of their charges. Though there was one book in which Dawn gets in trouble for assuming she knows more than the parent. She is sitting in CA for this little girl and finds a letter stating that the girl will being staying back. She talks to the parent and the mom tells her to say nothing because she doesn't want her daughter upset all summer and will tell her in August. Dawn decides that this is stupid and tells the kid. The kid freaks and the parents chews Dawn out.

Anonymous said...

Actually that's not how it went. Dawn didn't tell the mom before she told the kid. She let it slip in casual conversation with the kid that she would be held back. Then the kid tells her mother and the mom gets mad with Dawn because she was going to tell her on her own time.

Erin said...

So, when do we get your review of Dawn and the Older Boy? I am waiting for snark about how Travis buys her the earrings and asks her to cut her hair "for him." Ah, statuatory rape, domestic abuse, is there anything Dawn's older man can't do?

Anonymous said...