Uh-oh, am I getting mushy here?; or, BSC Mystery #9: Kristy and the Haunted Mansion

Crap. Terrible. Horrible. Vile. An abomination. Worse than watching Zac Efron and Shia LeBoeuf getting the business. From each other. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you another "mystery" with absolutely no mystery. And awful writing. Aw, you missed me!

Is it just me, or does cover-Kristy have an unusual area? Seriously. From the waist down, that is a dude.

Also, where the hell did she get an oil lamp? And how are they standing in the rain but staying perfectly dry? Is it magic? Yeah.

Okay, so here's the deal. Bart and Kristy apparently joined baseball forces and created a mutant team: the Krashers (get it? A combination of the Krushers and the Bashers? Aren't they from Clever-Clever Land?), and said Krashers are playing against some team from some other town. They're all piled into a van, driven by Saint Charlie (aged 17), heading home from the game (which, described in some really boring words, they won) when they get caught in a terrible storm! Oh no! And they're lost! And then they can't turn around, cause some bridges wash out! And they see a house! And they decide to ask for a phone! And they interrupt a bunch of freakies doing the Time Warp! Oh, wait. I think that's the movie version. (P.S.-Kristy is Brad and Bart is Janet.) No, so they see this big "scary" house, and they go to the little cottage by the entrance. And a "creepy" old guy gives them, food blankets, and keys to the big house up the hill. But there are no phones. (Um, way to be all 1850s there, gramps.) And they spend the night there, despite rumors of the house being haunted. Or something. And they learn about a sad tale of a missing girl (Dorothy) and foiled romance and blah blah blah. And the rain clears up in the morning, and "they" fix the bridges (damn Illuminati!) and Kristy and Co. head on back to the 'Brook. Oh, and everyone was way worried about them. The end. Oh, wait, no it's not. They realize that the missing (presumed dead) girl from the house actually runs the sewing store in Stoneybrook. And they go to her to get the skinny. Turned out she wigged about eloping and wanted to be a free woman so she kind of faked her own death and traveled the world or whatever before settling a few miles from the heartbroken man who still pines after her from the caretaker's cottage at her father's old home. Yeah. See, no real mystery there.

Right-o!

• Here's what I don't get...Why didn't they just park somewhere and sleep in the van. Sure, it would've been a little crowded, but still! Instead they stayed in a big empty house at the invite of a complete stranger.
• Kristy thought the old guy was creepy because his "eyes had no sparkle" and he says things like "I'll see you in the morning...God willing." Sweetie, he's creepy because he lets a vanload of kiddies stay in his big old house in the middle of nowhere. And he doesn't have a phone. And cause no one can hear you scream and no one knows where you are. Just sayin'.
• "A hundred bottles of pop on the wall?" Really? Even in elementary school, I sang "beer" there. Also, in Connecticut, it's not "pop." That's a Midwest thing.
• Heebie-jeebies are not the same thing as everyday anxiety or apprehension, like pregame jitters. Sorry. More like "the creeps" or "the wiggins" or "the freaked-outies" which I totally just made up.
• "Once again, I'd had an idea that saved the day. I don't mean to sound conceited, but that happens a lot." If you don't mean to sound conceited, Kristy, just shut the fuck up.
  
• How did Jackie Rodowsky make in on the "all-star" team? Huh? I smell contrivance.
  
• Also, since when is there a girl Basher?
• "A rain-out is better than losing." Kristy, Kristy, Kristy. [Shaking head sadly.]
• "Stacey also dresses like a model, in outfits I couldn't even begin to imagine wearing. Like lacy purple leggings with big floral tops, or black miniskirts with little cowboy shoes." First of all, huh? Little cowboy shoes? I don't know what those are. Also, anyone who can imagine wearing these outfits should be taken out back and beaten with their little cowboy shoes.
• As for Claudia, she "might wear a hand-painted silk scarf to top off a polka-dotted jumpsuit, for example. Or two handmade papier-mâché earrings that look like little donuts, with a third that looks like a cup of coffee." Just, yeah.
• "That fateful day, as Mallory might say, if she were writing one of her stories." And if she were a terrible, terrible writer. Which, let's face it, she probably is.
• Ha ha. Kristy's afraid of lightning! "This fear of mine is a deep, dark secret. Everybody thinks I'm fearless..." I really doubt that anyone thinks she's fearless. Most people prolly think she's afraid of boys.
• For a bunch of kids that grew up in small town New England, they are surprisingly afraid of big old houses. If you thought every big, run down house was haunted, you'd think 60% of the town was haunted. Dumbasses.
• I had to ask RNL what a "passel" was. Ah, fake folky dialogue.
• Um, you've got the whole house to yourselves (theoretically), and yet you feel compelled to put the food (apples and bread) in the kitchen? Rebel a bit! Put it in the dining room! Eat in the living room! Live on the edge!
• "Those darn chills." That would be the heebie-jeebies.
• Fucking backwards talk. I really doubt any kids would bother with that. Takes too long.
  
• Why would Bart's dad call Claud for info? Why not the Brewer-Thomas household? And how did he get her number? Does Bart's fam use the BSC? So confused.
• Oh, yeah, at the beginning, during the standard intro to the BSC, Kristy imagines various members as 80-year-olds, sitting in rockers. Boring. Now, if she had described them as various Golden Girls, maybe I would've been into it.
  
• How would (little) kids in Stoneybrook know about supposedly haunted houses multiple towns away?
• I really doubt a 6-year-old could read an old-timey (1930s) diary. First of all, cursive. Second of all, faded ink. Third of all, I have trouble with it, and I've worked in fucking special collections and archives.
• "Karen was gazing up at Dorothy's portrait. 'Women didn't have it easy back then, did they?' she asked. 'I mean, she wanted to get out of her father's house, and the only way was to marry this guy.'" Wow, Karen just may be the first 6-year-old ever to get an A+ in Women's Studies 101. Also, it was the 30s, not the Middle Ages. Not saying it was perfect, but women could even vote by that time.
• Oh, Claudia. "She was wearing white knee-length jean shorts, white Keds, and a tie-dyed T-shirt she'd made the weekend before. It was a beautiful one, with spirals of yellow and green and purple, and she was proud of it." PS-it bleeds all over her skin and jorts (that's the new way of saying jean shorts--fake copyright RNL and TMW, but you can totally use it) when she goes out in the rain. Oops.
• So, everybody's all freaking out, cause the Krashers have been missing for a few hours, right? But you'd think they'd be used to people disappearing, cause it happens every other fucking book.
  
• So the girl on the Bashers? Patty? She wants to be a carpenter and ride a motorcycle when she grows up (*cough* baby dyke!). And then be the president. Yeah.
• Heh! One of Bart's favorite things to do is "be with Kristy." Maybe Kristy does put out!?!?
• "Bart gave me a gentle smile and touched my hand. 'You're a pretty awesome person, Kristin Amanda Thomas,' he said." And now we're in a Danielle Steel novel.
• Oh, yeah, the guy in the shack/cottage/whatever is Dorothy's ex-fiancé.
• I've always pictured Dawn's room as pretty neat, and the idea of Sharon telling Dawn to clean her room seems a little...off.
• All the BSC write notes for Kristy in the club notebook, to show her how much they missed her. When she hasn't even been gone twelve hours. Because they're a little crazy.
• Jessi's note says: "Being lost with eight kids has to be the baby-sitting adventure of all time!" Um, what about getting shipwrecked? Or snowed in? Or lost in the woods? Or running a day camp for every child on the planet with no adult help? Bitch, please.
• There are a lot of Mets fans in these books. Which is borderline odd.
• "Missing, without a trace!" For a few hours!
• Of course Claud makes a sign: WELLCOME HOME, KRASHERZ! That Claud, she's so street.
• They only order two large pizzas for seven girls? Are they all on Stacey's diet?
• Ah, yes. The single most clichéd moment in all juvenile literature. All the characters saying "Anchovies!" in disgust.
  
• Kristy wants to get Dorothy and the caretaker together again. Guess all that time with Bart turned her into a romantic.
• "I know it was wrong to let them think I was dead [also, isn't that illegal?], but it was the only way I could see for me to take control of my life." Yep, in the 1930s.
  

Wow. I'm a little rusty here. But I think it's all coming back to me now, like that bad Celine Dion song.

***

So, I'm going to try to get back on a regular posting schedule, but things are still going to be a bit crazy in my personal life, and my supply of books is entirely different (and less reliable) here in my new locale, so there might be some weeks without. Also, holidays coming up. So eat it, much like West Virginia did in the Backyard Brawl last night! Go Panthers!