Monsters do not like red; or, BSC #46: Mary Anne Misses Logan

1. I could have sworn I had done this one already, but I think I just reread it before I started the blogging.

2. This cover



represented everything I thought being a teenager was about. Going rollerskating with your friends, one of whom would be wearing a fedora. Actually, I wanted to be the one with the fedora. It’s true. Plus, Mary Anne’s totally wearing mom jeans.

Okay, the plot: Dude, isn’t it obvious? Mary Anne fucking misses Logan. And there’s some super lame author project that every 8th grader has to do, and she winds up in a group with Pete Black, Logan, and Cokie Mason (who is, incidentally, totally schemin’ on Logan). La la la la. Pete and M.A. do all the work, but Logan finally pitches in at the end, just in time for them to present in front of the whole school and the author they’ve been studying. (Megan Rinehart, whom the all-knowing internet tells me doesn’t actually exist.) And Cokie totally eats it.

Subplot: Toilet Monster. Fucking retarded. Seriously. Um, Korman kids think there’s a monster in their toilet. And I got stupider just reading about it.

So, we list:

1. Okay, MA’s all, “oh, I’m missing a part of me, we knew each other so well, blah, blah, blah, whiny girlie bullshit” but they started dating in 8th grade, and they’re still in 8th grade, so how long were they together anyway? And I know, they’re thirteen (and fictional), and it’s all love and overwrought, but give me a break…


2. “I’m not allowed to wear really cool things, such as cowboy boots, the way most of my friends are.” Hee!


3. Heh. “Everyone is an individual, but Dawn is a true individual.” Also, “Dawn could probably get away with wearing a burlap bag, because she’s gorgeous."


4. Having younger siblings does not necessarily make you patient. Just sayin’


5. “Hi, by dabe is Hudter Brudo.” I hate you, ANM. That’s just dumb. And it’s always been dumb.


6. Oooh! Stacey fashion! “…like paisley-print leggings; a huge, long shirt; short, black, lace-up boots; and a ton of silver jewelry. She might top off the look with a black fedora.” Yup.


7. Claudia likes accessories (Really? I had no clue!): “T-shirt clips, slap-wrist bracelets, and for her hair, ties, beads, ribbons, combs, you name it.” Scorpions? Would she wear live scorpions in her hair? Please?


8. Heh, Claud thinks that they might get assigned Danielle Steele [shouldn’t that just be Steel?] or Stephen King, and everyone makes fun of her…


9. Dude, MA starts crying when she finds out Logan’s in her group.


10. Cokie flirts with Logan. A lot. And it makes MA jealous. Whoop-di-shit. [I’ve never had to spell that before.]


11. Shut up, Kristy, you do not know everything about child-rearing at 13. ‘Kay?


12. Mary Anne’s big reconciliation date outfit? An “oversized blue top and a pair of red tights.” Isn’t she supposed to be shy? As in, too shy to leave the house barely dressed?

And, happy ending, they’re back together. Lucky, lucky us.

But I was not prepared for what would greet us in Stoneybrook – prejudice, that’s what; or, BSC #36: Jessi’s Baby-sitter

She’s only 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, what? Oh, yeah, this book. SUCKS!!!

The plot: Jessi’s mom goes back to work, so the dreaded Aunt Cecelia moves in. And Jessi and Becca play pranks, and Aunt Dictator is a super mega bitch. And it’s a mess, but, because she’s in the BSC, she won’t talk to her parents about it. But the subplot makes Jessi understand what’s going on, and there’s a family conference. Ta-da, happy ending.

The subplot: Jackie Rodowsky wants to enter the Stoneybrook Elementary School Science Fair; he decides to make an erupting volcano like on the Brady Bunch. That’s what he actually says. So, Jessi decides to help and ends up terrorizing him into letting her do all the work. And he doesn’t win, cause her coaching didn’t actually teach him anything. But he’s all happy cause he impressed some kids at school with his lava-spewing VOLCANO!!! WOO!!!

Listie time!!!

• I hate when ANM does Mme Noelle’s accent. Seriously, shut up…it’s the worst fake French accent ever.


• See! Right there on page 2! Jessi wants to go pro!


• Well, isn’t Oakley, NJ just integrated heaven?


• Why do these girls get all excited at the possible prospect of more siblings? Why would they want a(nother) baby around? I know they like baby-sitting, but really.


• I’m impressed that Mrs. Ramsey was able to jump right back into advertising after taking ELEVEN YEARS OFF. Just sayin’.


• Dude, Aunt Cecelia is their dad’s sister, and they’re totally ragging on her in front of him, and he’s apparently cool with that? WTF?


• Jessi brings up how unfair and mean AC (that’s my new abbreviation for Aunt Cecilia) was during Super Special 4.


• Also, AC’s husband died recently. Yet Jessi doesn’t seem all that phased that HER UNCLE DIED. Whatever.


• Nothing says “I’m mature and should be treated like I’m older than eleven” quite like prank wars. Yup.


• I totally remembered Jessy’s sign:
  KEEP OUT (please)
  THIS MEANS YOU
  PRIVACY NEEDED
  (THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION)
  And, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I agree with Mal. That sign is dumb.


• “Claud wears things my mother won’t even let me look at in stores [because you’re 11, dumbass!!!!!] – short, short skirts and tight black pants and off-the-shoulder sweatshirts.” Wait, she’s a dancer in the 80s and she doesn’t own at least one off-the-shoulder sweatshirt? I guess she just not a Steeltown girl on a Saturday night.


• Um, Kristy took role at one of the meetings in this one. The fuck? There are seven of them. Does she really need to take attendance? Seriously?


• The Pike kids open a lending library. And it’s never heard from again after this chapter. Vanessa gets to be the librarian cause she reads a lot. Yep, she’ll be disappointed if she tries to parlay that into a career in library science.


• Sorry, all the Jessi-bitching-about-AC stuff is really boring, so I’m not going to bother.


• ”Besides, I have to watch my weight. I can’t be a fat ballerina.” Damn straight.


• Thank scrod that ANM didn’t go overboard with the BSC-ers helping their charges with their science fair project. Cause then this book would have wound up under all the snow and ice outside.


• Even Jessi thinks that it’s hilarious that Claudia is helping anyone with anything remotely language related.


• Hee! Charlotte plays Duran Duran for the “rock and roll” portion of her experiment. Oh, John Taylor. I harbored a thing for you into high school. I think Char was probably more of a Simon fan. But that’s pure speculation.


• Mmm…Neccos.


• Oh. My. God. AC doesn’t let Jessi go to a BSC meeting AS PUNISHMENT FOR BEING TEN MINUTES LATE!


• Yeah, right. AC, who apparently has kids, was nervous that she wouldn’t be as good a sitter as an 11-year-old. My ass.


• Oh, hell yeah! “Stacey was wearing tight black pants that reached just above her ankles, and sported [nice use of the thesaurus, ANM!] a column of four silvery buttons at the bottoms. (The buttons were just for show, I think.) Over the pants she was wearing a long (past her knees) blue jacket made of soft material. Under that she was wearing a sleeveless blouse…Claud was wearing a fake leopard-skin vest, a fairly tame blouse, and blue leggings…And finally Mal and me, also in jeans, but wearing (if I do say so myself) pretty fresh sweat shirts.” Sweet.


• And another boring happy ending.

Hee! on the cover, she looks like she's haunted by AC's wooden spoon! Fear it!!



Plus, a little gift:

Kristy slammed a plastic hammer on Claudia’s desk; or BSC #102: Mary Anne and the Little Princess

Holy crap, this one sucked…It’s really hard to read some of the later ones…With the books that I read the first time around, at least there’s a nostalgia element or whatever. But these later ones? SUCK!!!!!!!

So, in this book, a distant heir to the British throne comes to Stoneybrook. The ‘rents work for the UN or whatever, and the little girl gets to chill in the ‘Brook. Her nanny calls the BSC after Kristy spams her with flyers, and hires Mary Anne as a companion. Is Victoria spoiled? Bitchy? Stuck up? Or just a sad, lonely little girl? Blah. Oh, and the ending? Doesn’t really exist. Just kind of putters out like a dying car.

Subplot: Sharon uses Mary Anne as a lower calorie Dawn substitute! Fun!

Bullets:

1. “Playing football is bad enough. Playing with Logan is downright frightening. He happens to be on the Stoneybrook Middle School football team, and he throws extremely hard.” He’s playing with a bunch of kids, [heh.] so how hard do you think he’s really throwing. Plus, he’s 13, not Peyton Manning or Tom Brady. Suck it up. Just say you don’t like playing.


2. ”Dawn and I were double Yentes.” You gotta love how ANM was referencing things she grew up with. Sure, Fiddler is a classic, but your average 13-year-old hasn’t seen it enough to know the characters’ names.


3. Heh, “an obscure condition called Spier’s Tears.” Careful, it’s contagious!


4. ”Sharon can be a little absentminded. [You know where this is going…] In our house, it’s not unusual to find the tennis balls in the dishwasher, or her credit cards in the laundry detergent box.” Maybe Sharon has a rare condition, Makes-no-fucking-sensitis.


5. Claudia, before she had to go back to seventh grade, thought that Alice in Wonderland referred not to a book title, but to a person, Alison Wonderland. DUMBASS!!!!!!!


6. Okay, my Jewish friends, I have a question: Is this right? “they became Bat Mitzvahs together.” It sounds off.


7. Oh, yeah, I love how once Abby joins, it’s okay to commute into NYC, but before, it’s crazy unthinkable.


8. This has nothing to do with the book: I have a snow day from work today!!!!


9. Richard Spier now works for a big fancy law firm and travels a lot, which makes M.A. sad…aw.


10. Say it out loud. It’s terrible, and no way would I have gotten this horrible joke when I was 10. “Mom said the parents were both wearing Georgie O’Mani or something, but it looked like a normal suit and dress to me.” So bad!


11. Mary Anne gets to ride in limos a lot in this book. She feels cool.


12. Whenever there’s a particularly attractive mother, she could be a model. What’s up with ANM’s model obsession?


13. Heh, more Laura Ashley!


14. Oh, there’s a lame misunderstanding about M.A.’s last name…The nanny thinks it’s Mistu. LAME!!!


15. I hate when they’re all “ew, gross” when Sharon (or Dawn, for that matter) mentions a good veggie dish, i.e. Tofu-Leek with Ginger casserole. Sounds fairly tasty.


16. Mrs. Porter has a witchy granddaughter named Druscilla. And Spike’s wearing that blue sweater and having sex with Buffy and…oh, sorry, wrong fictional universe.


17. There are lots of lame jokes about war with England.


18. Everybody’s going to Mary Anne’s for Thanksgiving. Yay.


19. Ah, nothing protects you from cold New England weather like a cotton sweater. Dumbasses.


20. I have a hard time believing any mall with a Friendly’s also has Bountiful Wellness Macrobiotic Restaurant.


21. ANM mentions both cell phones and email. Surreal. I always picture every BSC book firmly in 1988, no matter what year it was actually written.


22. There’s this whole thing about Jessi trying to convincer her dad to become an actor. Huh?


23. ”Stacey looked very…well, Stacey. She was wearing a black baseball cap, black sunglasses, and a sleek, black, ankle-length coat with sharply padded shoulders.” Wow.


24. Oh, yeah, Kristy, Stacey, M.A. and the nanny take Victoria to NYC for an afternoon. Yet they always act like New York is sooooooooooo far away.


25. Richard made slides from his business trip to Milwaukee. ‘nuff said.

I can't find a good pic online, but Mary Anne's coat on the cover is adorable...

Oh, someone asked how to get in touch with me about librarianing, as a profession. And I’m thinking about the best way to do that…I’ll get back to you.