Time to let Mal keep the minutes; or, BSC #53: Kristy for President

I love it when Kristy learns the following lesson: She's not fucking perfect. Sure, I love seeing Kristy eat it.  Call me a bitch if you like, you surely wouldn't be the first. Of course, I would have loved it more if she'd actually lost the election...instead of being a FUCKING QUITTER!!!! Yeah. Let me take it back a few...

Cover? Kinda boring...siblings showing support, red-white-and-blue cliché, dog wearing the title of the book around her neck. Kristy's wearing a turtleneck, as she does.



The plot: Um, Claud and Stace convince Kristy to run for class president against Alan Gray, Grace-Cokie's-little-crony, and Pete Black.  But she's taken on a bit much, what with the sitting and the BSC and the Krushers and the family and the failing science grades and the campaigning. So, she drops out of the race. Blah. Oh, and Mal's running for 6th grade treasurer secretary.

Subplot: Jamie Newton gets a bike, and tortures all his sitters. And they all neglect Lucy in the process. Or something.

Short plot=lots of bullets.

• Wow, Stacey's soooo sophisticated. And I don't just mean she's got capital knockers. No, she compares the SMS PA system to the announcements on the NYC subways. I personally like the announcements on the MBTA commuter rail.


• Wow, Kristy's glad it's Friday. Whoop-di-shit. Just wait until she gets a job working for the female Michael Scott (I stole that from RNL).


• Mr. Zorzi is a sub. What the hell kinda name is Zorzi?


• Wow, a bunch of middle school kids just start following a couple of jokers. Big surprise. Middle school kids are sheep.


• A reference to Bunnicula. Wow, someone's well-read. Or something.


• Joking about nasty cafeteria food is wicked boring. And repetitive. And lame. And lazy.


• Seriously, I don't want to read about how cute babies are. Or how cute Kristy's siblings are. Or sitting in general. I don't care about a fucking "leaf dance."


• Kris-ty li-ikes Ba-art! Oh, wait. We already knew that.


• Okay. So, this book has tons of outfits. Which makes up for the lack in last week's book. Cause that wasn't me being lazy, bitches. There weren't any in the book!!!!


• "Today, for instance, Claudia was wearing lime green bicycle pants, a long, long bright pink shirt, and a cropped lime green striped shirt over that. She was also wearing black hightop leather sneakers with pink butterfly barrettes clipped to the laces. She had two feather earrings in one ear (lime green, of course), and a tiny pink heart in the other." Wait, a cropped top over a long, long shirt. That sounds...less than flattering.


• "And real, live fruit. I mean an apple is okay, but it's not my first choice." The fuck?


• "Like that Monday, she was wearing a black skirt and tights that were two colors: one leg was red and the other was black. And her shoes were shiny black and laced up to the ankles. She was also wearing this enormous black turtleneck sweater with red flecks in it, and one round red earring and one square black one. Her hair, which was in a mid-perm stage around her face, was pulled back with this silver lamé [and lame] band." While not crazy horrible, this outfit still SCREAMS 1989.


• Oh, this shit cracks me up!!! There's this whole thing about how the school play is Mary Poppins, and how it's soooooo babyish. But, if I'm not mistaken, isn't that Stacey's fave movie? So, are they calling her babyish? She is mighty quiet during this discussion. Or, could it be that someone wasn't paying any attention whatsoever to continuity? Perhaps...


• In reference to "right on," Dawn explains, "I think it's an old hippy expression." Stupid hippies. [Oh, so according to the American Oxford Dictionary--I heart Dashboard!!--hippy is a variant spelling of hippie, and, of course, it also means having large hips. I prefer to use the latter in this context. Just cause I hate Dawn.]


• Ooh! Another Claud vs. Janine fashion showdown!!! "Standing next to each other, Claudia and Janine couldn't have looked more different, even though that day Claudia was dressed fairly conservatively: white jeans, red shoes with big bows, a tropical jungle shirt with each button shaped like a piece of fruit, and her hair pulled to one side with a banana barrette. But Janine, with her short hair and bangs, her pullover sweater, and plain skirt and loafers, make Claudia look extremely exotic." Swap out the loafers for some Docs, and Janine wins. Big time. Fruit buttons?


• Ahem. "'I believe you would be glad to know that a pizza delivery has just been effected,' said Janine. She talks like that all the time. It's part of being a genius." Actually, it's part of being a pretentious ass. Trust me, I know. Also, shouldn't it be "affected?" Anyone?


• Kristy's campaign slogan/logo thingee? "K+." Um, clever?


• "According to Stacey, that was the way people in New York advertise things, especially rock concerts." Yes, the SMS president is a fucking rock star. Or something.


• "As every baby-sitter and little kid knows, a shrug is like a maybe--it means yes." No, it doesn't. It means "I don't care" or "I'm not sure" or "My indecision knows no bounds" or "I really don't want to, but I don't want to tell you that." You know...


• There's a whole bunch of shit about how Kristy's turning into Claud, at least grade-wise.


• Okay, so Kristy's wearing "an enormous sweater of a sort of creamy brown, with little black and green stripes running across it" with black pants and loafers. And her complaint is that she looks "preppie." See, I always spelled it preppy [And spell check agrees with me].  Also, the fug? I can't picture this sweater at all, except as some sort of mutant girly Cosby sweater.


• Lucky us! We get a Grace outfit, too! "Her makeup was about three feet thick, and she was wearing a pale blue sweater, matching stirrup pants, and a ton of jewelry." Wow, that sounds flattering. And classy.


• Oh, yeah. There's also this thing about Special Ed kids that I can't quite figure out. Maybe I was paying more attention to South Park than to this lame fucker.


• Um, does the middle school really have a fencing team?


• Wow, a baby Lucy outfit, too! [And you thought I was kidding about lots of outfits.] "Lucy...was wearing lavender overalls with pink stars on them, a pink shirt, pink socks, and little purple sneakers with shoelaces that had stars and moons on them." Wow, someone's really trying to indoctrinate this baby with traditional femininity. Also, she's a fucking baby. Why's she all dressed up for puking in the playpen? And does she need shoelaces? And didn't Claud wear this exact outfit in some super special? [I kid. Sort of.]


• Not done yet! "Stacey had pulled her hair back into a braid with a silver hat pin stuck through it. She was wearing purple capri pants, soft black flat ankle boots, black-and-white-striped socks, and a black-and-white-checked shirt, only the checks were all different sizes. She had square silver earrings in her ears." Again, can't really picture the shirt. And "soft black?" Is the material soft? Or the color? Or my mind?


• "Claud's hair was down, but she was wearing a hat. On the green hat ribbon was pinned "Kristy+" button. Her tights were orange and her dress was tie-dyed every color you could think of. She was wearing her feather earrings, and she'd drawn a star on her face next to her right eye." This is another über-Blossom outfit. Crossed with a dirty, dirty hippie.


• Kristy gives a big speech when she ends her candidacy. Cause everyone fucking cares.


• Oh, and Mal wins.

Hooray! It's done! I totally would have loved to see Grace win, just to piss Kristy off, and cause middle school elections ARE a fucking popularity contest. But Pete Black wins. And fairies and unicorns dance around in celebration.

Next week, "Maid Mary Anne." Probably.

But I like to win; or, BSC Mystery #2: Beware, Dawn!

So, it's a mystery! Ooh! Can I just love on this cover for a minute?



Aaaah. Again, she looks way older than 13. And she's totally afraid of an envelope. Luckily, she's got the curtains to protect her. Oh, and "Someone is out to scare Dawn!" Though, to be perfectly frank, someone is out to scare all the girls, not just Dawn.

The plot: So, there's this Sitter of the Month (which I have decided to not so conveniently shorten to S-o-M) contest at Stoneybrook Middle School. And the girls are getting competitive, but they're all, "Let's not be competitive. Remember the science fair/the Little Miss Stoneybrook Pageant/etc." Oh, and they start getting these mysterious notes and shit while they're sitting (all except for Kristy), but they're all so concerned about not losing the S-o-M contest that they don't tell each other about all the shenanigans. Blah, it's a mystery!!! And they solve it, kinda. See, Jamie Newton tells Dawn that they can't go for a walk until Mel Tucker (who tends to make fun of the Hobarts' accents...he calls them "Crocs!") stops by for a sitting check. And she "just knows" he's Mr. X. (Oh, that's whose been "signing" the notes.) And they set up a sting. And no cops or parents are ever involved, even before they know a kid is behind it all. Because it is the BSC. [I totally "solved" this one on page 5. If by solve, you mean, yell "Oh, shit! I remember! This kid gets pissed cause the girls get him in trouble or something, and he's Mr. X!"]

Here we go...

• I am so sick of reading the following sentence: "I love to baby-sit." Really. Thanks, Captain Obvious.


• Dawn: "And Jeff? Jeff never really adjusted. In fact, he disliked Connecticut so much (and missed his dad so badly on top of it)..." Wait, since when do Jeff and Dawn not share the same father? Slutty, slutty Sharon. (Dontcha just love the weird way the girls talk about their families in these books?)


• No, Dawn, the potential romance between Ben Hobart and Mal is not exciting.


• "See, the Hobarts are Australian. That's why Mel calls them 'Crocs.' You know, for Crocodile Dundee?" That really is an insult.


• You know, it is possible to like junk food AND health food. In fact, one can have tofu stir fry for dinner followed by Doritos for desert. So, seriously, Dawn? Shut the fuck up.


• Yes, Ben & Mal both have red hair and glasses. No, that doesn't necessarily mean that they look cute together.


• This sounds dirty. "Do you want to come in for a snack? I'm sure Mum's laid one on." Hee.


• Okay, crying over "those sappy telephone company commercials" doesn't always mean you're sensitive. It could just mean someone started the Pill recently and is having crazy hormone-y mood swings. Or a really nasty case of the PMS weepies. Just sayin'.


• So, other books mention how Dawn would look good in a burlap sack. So this one tells us that "Claudia would look great even if she were dressed in a brown paper bag." Noooooooooo! Don't give her any ideas!!!!!!


• OMG!!!! It's the one where Ben calls Mal a "bonzer sheila," hooray!!!!!!!!!!


• Oh, isn't it cute! The Thomas-Brewer kids have a weird routine for eating crackers. Woo.


• Okay, a sitter of the month contest? Really? Why?????? One, why would a bunch of kids who all adore the BSCers want them to compete? And who would approve this? What would it really accomplish? Okay, I'll shut up now. Repeat after me: "They're not real. They're silly books full of fictional characters and situations. And if you're wondering how they eat and breathe and other science facts, just repeat to yourself it's just a show, I should really just relax...[sung] for Mystery Science Theatre 3000."


• To be the perfect sitter, Dawn adds some characters to the retarded game "Let's All Come In." Bruce Stringbean, Darryl Blueberry and Ladonna. Lame.


• Yes!!!! (Wow, I'm really into multiple exclamation points and question marks today.) Sabrina Bouvier!!! Pageant-head!!!


• What kind of baby-sitter tells a four-year-old to answer the phone?


• Which letter do you think is better? "Dear Jeff,...How are you? How's good old California? I miss you." Or, "Dearest Little Bro,...What's up? What's fresh? Everything's cool back here in Stoneybrook. What's happening out there in sunny Cal?" Dude, the second one sounds like a high school principal trying to be hip. And failing. Miserably.


• Dawn's first communiqué from Mr. X: "You'd better watch out, you'd better not shout! I'm going to get you." Dude, I'm nearin' 30, and I'd still call my mom freaking out if I got something like that. Yet Dawn doesn't tell ANYONE. Dumbass.


• La la, let's make fun of Jackie Rodowsky again.


• Dude, even Shea Rodowsky thinks that the notes probably deserve police attention. What is wrong with these bitches?


• Dawn also thinks that Alan Gray is behind it all. Cause he has nothing better to do with his time than fuck with them.


• Ah, "camping" in the living room in a sleeping bag. I still do that, only it's PoBal's floor, and I'm usually a little tipsy.


• Becca convinces Jessy to let her watch, get this, "Snake Boy Loose in San Francisco." Best faux-Troma name ever.


• "Somebody" leaves Jessi a bouquet of flowers with the head cut off. Still, let's not tell our friends or parents. No, it's just a little creepy. Naw, couldn't be anything dangerous.


• Oh, no! "Someone" threatens the Pikes' hamster. [At this point, you gotta know it's a kid.]


• Okay, if you think Mr. X is in the secret passage, which, technically is in your house? Yeah, call the fucking cops.


• Oh, yeah. Mal's wicked embarrassed cause she called her teacher "Mom." And they all start comparing embarrassing stories that aren't actually embarrassing AT ALL.


• For a little while, Dawn suspects that Kristy is Mr. X. Cause she's A MAN!!!!! Or cause she doesn't get bothered.


• Another fake movie star. Rik Devine. Yep.


• No, Dawn, "The Capture of Mr. X" wouldn't make a great movie. It's a buncha baby-sitters springing a trap on a little kid.


• "A psychiatrist is like a doctor for your feelings." Excellent use of euphemism, Kristy. And yes, this kid needs a shrink.


• A seven-way tie between all the BSCers? Again, highly suspect. Maybe all the kids might decide that they all win, but there's no fucking way there is a draw between seven candidates. Fucking lame ending.

So, someone requested that I tell y'all what I'll be reading next week. I'll try. I don't always know this far in advance what the next book will be, but if I do, I'll try to remember to tell you. So...

Next week: Kristy for President (tentative).

Uncle Andy's Tar Machine; or, BSC #49: Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street

The cover asks "How could a seven-year-old make Claudia feel so dumb?" I ask, "How could an earthworm not make Claudia feel so dumb?" I'm so bored of the whole Claud feels dumb storyline. Seriously. We get it.  She feels inferior to small children because they can spell better than she can. Well, if she feels so bad about it, why doesn't she fucking study? Huh?

Also, the guy who painted this cover totes gave Claud a mustache. Hee.



Also, as per usual, Janine looks about 45 on the cover, not 16. I realize that she's supposed to dress wicked old, but she doesn't even look like a teenager dressed old! Why? Can you tell me?

Plus, why is Claudia going to a sock hop?

Woot. Another example of the BSCers knowing more than parents about said parents' children.

Yeah, the plot of this one is that Claud gets a regular sitting job for Rosie Wilder (the titular "Genius of Elm Street"). (Also, notice how many times the genesis of a plot is a new regular sitting job? Odd...) And nobody likes Rosie, cause she's difficult. And sitting for her is comprised of giving her snacks and "helping" her with her homework in between lessons and rehearsals and practices. Yeah, Rosie's a super-kid. She's done commercials and she tap dances and she plays piano and violin and sings and gets super good grades and wins all kinds of contests.  Essentially, her parents were trend-setters. Yeah, but she also has a secret talent that only Claud can understand. Yep, she likes to draw. But she hides it from her parents. Oh, and the kids at school hate her (big shocker there), and she goes on this kids' talent show called...[cough] Uncle Dandy's Star Machine. And auditions and blah. I got tired just reading about all the shit this kid's got going one, and I'm hardly without multiple projects at once that I should be working on but haven't gotten to yet or whatever. Finally, Rosie throws a tantrum, and Claudia facilitates some communication between Little Miss Perfect and her 'rents, cause she understands the situation in a way the Wilder parents just don't.

Subplot-ish: Claudia decides to create a series of paintings of junk food. And decides to put a show on in her garage. Yeah. See, it's not really a subplot, but it's the closest thing in this book.

So much to mock, so little time:

• Oooh, foreshadowing! Someone's been studying their EngLit...Yeah, the book starts with a very detailed description of a commercial featuring a little girl, spilled chocolate milk, and carpet cleaning gremlins. And it's ROSIE WILDER! But, of course, Claud hasn't met her yet...


• Claud's watching a documentary on Andy Warhol. Cause she's an artist! Oh, and she meant to tape it, but she accidentally set the VCR for a.m. instead of p.m. D'oh! And she feels dumb.


• Janine doesn't get art. Big surprise.


• "The first time I heard Janine mention 'calculus' I thought she was talking about a Roman emperor." Really, Claud? Somehow, I don't think so.


• Lucky, lucky us! We get a contrast and compare between Claud's outfit and Janine's! Woo-hoo! "That afternoon, for instance, I was wearing a man's paisley vest I'd found at a yard sale, over a striped button-down shirt with tuxedo-stripe black Spandex stirrup pants, held up with pink-flecked black suspenders. My hair was pulled straight back with a paisley comb, and I was wearing electric-pink ankle boots. The boots really set off the formality of the rest of the outfit, sort of like the punchline of a joke." And "Her hair is always in a page boy, and she'd be perfectly happy wearing a white Oxford blouse and a gray pleated skirt every day. Janine's main accessory is a book cradled in her right arm." Hell, yeah! (I totally didn't know what a pageboy was when I was growing up. A sad, sad time before Google Image search.)


• Claud's junk food series is inspired by Warhol's stuff. Genius?


• How is this outfit of Mary Anne's at all stylish? "...A loose-fitting open shirt over a teal turtleneck with off-white chinos and white sneakers."


• Hee! Mrs. Wilder is all kinds of affectations! She speaks like Madonna does now, and it is hilarious.


• Who knew that Mrs. Wilder was California Casual? She is, after all, wearing a blue Laura Ashley dress.


• Ah, made up super-kid books: Preparing Your Preschooler for Success; Gifted Children: A Parents' Guide; That's My Kid! An Approach to Show-Biz Careers from One Month to Eighteen Years. Prescience is unintentionally funny.


• Oh, I forgot ballet. Rosie does it all.


• Fave fake soap name? "The Brash and the Beautiful." Total rip off, yo.


• Apparently, it's so embarrassing to read a scene from a soap opera. Or at least for the super-sophisticate Stacey.


• "I can't just walk into a gallery and ask someone to give me an exhibit!" Actually, Claud, you kinda have to. And I'm sure Stoneybrook's got a coffee shop or something that shows local artists...C'mon now.  Or ask at the Community Center where you take all these "art classes" that only seem to exist as plot devices.


• "Well, now you know the secret of the Baby-sitters Club. We may be excellent baby-sitters, but that doesn't mean we're good at everything. Like making invitations." Fucking shocker.  They can't do everything perfectly. Cause, you know, they're only 13. (And 11.) Or something.


• The name of Claud's show (oh, and Rosie has a few drawings in it, too)? Claudia Lynn Kishi's 'Disposable Comestibles,' a Pop-Art Multi-Media Extravaganza. Neither Janine nor Dawn get the joke: "Here was this huge, complicated name that would give people the idea that they were seeing something really serious, and then the subject of the show would turn out to be junk food." It's called irony, Claudia. Learn it, live it, love it.


• Alan Gray shows up to cause trouble at the show. Cause he's a 13-year-old guy. I guess. Or cause boys have cooties. Or something.

Yep. I wish I still had the bookmarks referenced on the cover. I'd totally rock those in my copy of "Please Kill Me" or "King Dork." Yeah.

***

Bonus for nerdy librarian types! From the OCLC authority file:

150 Babysitters Club (Imaginary organization)

450 BSC (Imaginary organization)

670 Martin, A.M. Mary Anne breaks the rules, c1994: ǂb cover (The Babysitters Club series, no. 79) p. 2 (Babysitters Club or BSC)

670 LC database, 14 Apr. 1997 ǂb (The Babysitters Club: 2 hits)

675 Pringle, D. Imaginary people, 1987; ǂa Carpenter, H. The Oxford comp. to child. lit., 1984; ǂa Twentieth-cent. child. writers, 3rd ed.

Ah, LCSH.

I always thought it was kind of silly; or, BSC #45: Kristy and the Baby Parade

Mystery solved: This is the book in which the BSC "ladies" take an infant care course. Now I can sleep easier. Or something. I didn't remember anything about this book. But I'm almost positive I read it the first time around, because I remember books around it. So, I'm thinking this was one of the winners that I read once and never picked up again. Cause it sucked. Seriously. Majorly. It's made of suck, if you will. And I definitely will. There was not enough non-babysitting/small children content in this book. I almost threw it at the man sitting across from me at the coffee place (mmm...iced tea).

So, remember the scary dead baby on the ceiling in Trainspotting?  Well, the babies on the cover of this book look a little too much like that for comfort:




[Aside: There was a picture of Fiona Apple on the cover of some teen mag circa 1998 that also looked wicked like that dead baby, and it totally gave me nightmares after seeing the mag at 7-11. Yeah, I was in college. Got a problem with that?]

Ah, not much plot in this one. All the BSC take an infant care class because Kristy has to take one in order to take a regular job with the Prezziosos. And Kristy gets a perfect score. Woo-hoo. So, afterwards, there are lots of sitting jobs involving actual babies. And don't forget the titular Stoneybrook Baby Parade which only rolls around every other year. Apparently, the Baby Parade consists of assholes spending lots of money and effort on dragging a bunch of floats, wagons, strollers and screaming bebbies (3 and under) around d-town Stoneybrook. [Seriously, the fuck? A baby parade? Really? If these things really happen, I need to smack someone. Cause gathering that many infants in one place could be dangerous? Am I the only one who's seen that episode of the Simpsons with the baby-riots?] And the BSC decide to make a float and bring NINE BABIES (!!!!!?????!!!!!!) on it. That's five 13-year-olds and two 11-year-olds and a shit-ton of brats. (Oh, and Logan and Shannon get roped into watching all the older siblings of the babies.) But the BSC don't work together, so they wind up humiliating themselves and Saint Charlie, who gets roped into dragging the float along behind his car. Oh, and Kristy has to help Mrs. Prezzioso with her entry, though she really doesn't do too much. I'm still not even sure why that's in there. Cause K's all worried she'll get fired from her regular job if Baby Prezzioso doesn't win first place or something. Great, bounding leaps of logic here. Oh, and the big fight ends. What?

Blah. Stupid babies.

• Most ironically meta first sentence ever: "Okay, I admit it. I was bored."


• Wait, Kristy occasionally gets bored while sitting? Perhaps she's not a robot after all.


• Nanny's "husband died years ago." Dontcha just love how these girls talk about their dead relatives?


• Kristy on Emily Michelle [PS-Why do they usually call her by her first and middle name? It's not like there's another Emily in the fam.]: "She's adorable. Did I already tell you that? Well, she is. I looked at her glossy, straight black hair cut like a Dutch girl's. [The fuck?] I looked at her sparkling brown almond-shaped eyes. I looked at her plump, pink cheeks and at her sturdy little hands [huh?]...and at her round little tummy." Um, is it just me or is this vaguely creepy?


• Woo! Second week in a row mentioning the Red Sox.


• Gotta love vaguely bitchy pseudo-compliments: "Mary Anne tends to dress a little more stylishly than I do--there are times when she actually looks cool, which I never do." Um. Nice?


• Claud is "always up on the latest trend, whether it's big black shoes, tie-dyed leggings, or cool hats." Big black shoes never go out of style. They are not a trend. They are a way of life. Sure, there are times when they are harder to find, and that sucks.


• Pretzels are not boring. They are a wonderful snack food that happens to not be crappy for you.  (Though, dipped in Nutella, they're definitely more on the junk food tip.)


• Lame! The BSCers wear their BSC t-shirts (totally forgot about these) to the infant care class.


• Hee. The woman teaching the class, Anita, has a "partner" named Don, and all the BSCers get a crush on him. Though, for some reason, that dissipates when they realize he's a dad. But not in a "I am NOT old enough to date someone with kids!" way. Or a "Great, now I have to be nice to his brats" way. I am a horrible person.


• Yes, in a room full of parents and parents-to-be, Kristy is the only one to think that a wailing baby might need a diaper change.


• There's this weird interjection about cloth diapers being better for the environment.


• A man is the only person other than Kristy to get a perfect score on their evaluations. And everyone is surprised. Cause, yeah.


• I don't care if Candy Land is boring, Kristy. You're the fucking babysitter. Get over yourself.


• "Andrea 'startled' at the noise. Anita had told us about that reflex. Babies do it when they hear a sudden sound. Her whole body seemed to jump, and her eyes flew wide open." Yeah, that happens to me pretty much ALL THE TIME. ADULTS STARTLE, TOO! I don't get the point of including this little tidbit. At all.


• Um, I really hate Jessi's handwriting. Way too flowy.


• Claud's got a real doozy of an outfit: "an oversized red blouse with black buttons, green leggings with white, tie-dyed streaks, and black high-top sneakers with all kinds of buckles and snaps on them." She's literally dressed like a watermelon. To the point that she's wearing watermelon earrings. FUUUUUUUUUG!


• Jamie Newton says "liberry." I suppose I should forgive him, because he's a fictional four-year-old. But fuck that. I hate when people say that!!!!! Somebody get me a wire hanger!


• Tra-la-la. All babies are so-oooooooooooo cute.  [GAG.]


• All the girls have really fucking lame ideas for the float: baby baseball, baby surfing, baby kittens (with Tigger on the float), babies in New York, babies as Misty of Chincoteague, babies from outer space." Retarded.


• The theme they finally choose is "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe." Or, as Claudia spells it on the actual signs on the float: "Their was an old womman who lived in a sho," and "Thair was an old womann who lived in a shue." How does she spell really easy words differently at the same time? It makes my head hurt!!!!


• Oh, yeah. There's this whole thing about how Jenny wants to be in the parade with Andrea. Cause we care.


• Ah, in ancient times when Elmo "isn't on very often, so Squirt has to watch carefully in order to catch him." Now, you can watch Elmo jack off in Target. Aren't you glad we're alive now?


• The baby costumes are bright pink, and they clash horribly with the orangey-red of the shoe. I'm surprised that no one combines those colors in an outfit later in the book.


• The grand marshall of the parade is some old-timey cowboy named Slim Peabody. And Kristy ponders, "Why couldn't they have gotten somebody like Cam Geary to lead the parade?" Um, because cool and or genuinely famous people don't HOST FUCKING BABY PARADES IN SMALL TOWN CONNECTICUT! Whew. Sorry.


• So, the parade is a fucking disaster for the BSC. They actually failed at something involving with children. My world is collapsing around me. At this time of trouble, I need my friends for support. Too bad I'm not a member of the BSC. They are the best friends I'll (n)ever have.


• Babies dressed up like Star Wars characters...yeah. AKA, these dorks have way too much time on their hands. [Shut up! I...um...am sadly shaking my head in resignation.]


• Blah, fight's over. Oooh, communication.

Damn. That was a ridiculous one.