Even the cover is stupid:

Yeah, this actually happens in the book (pg 115, for those checking). The witch? That's Claire, who's scaring the vamp so that it can't scare her anymore. (There's this whole thing about Claire being absolutely terrified of the "vampires" on the movie set. So, Kristy decides to "cure" her, and she and MA come up with a "solution." Claire can dress up as something scarier than a vampire, something that the vamps will be afraid of, so they won't bug her. Seems to me like that might actually make the problem worse and not really address her fear or whatever. Ugh.) Mary Anne actually looks fairly 1994. But Kristy? She looks FREAKY! And the quote monster strikes again! See how her shirt says "Little Vampires," quotes included? Lame. Plus, I think all the vamps in the movie are supposed to be kids or teenagers, not in their 30s. And dressed like kids, not Dracula. Yeah...
So, the really stupid plot. Yep...Well, they're shooting part of a TV movie in the 'Brook. Derek Masters is one of the stars, along with some more famous guy named Carson Fraser. The movie is called Little Vampires, and it has a stupid, clichéd plot (just like this book!). See, there's a foreign exchange student from Transylvania named Laddie Alducar [first name short for Vladimir, last name an anagram of Dracula...SO STUPID!!!!]. Turns out, he's a vamp and he's been sent to recruit kids to be vamps [Sorry, I've watched far too much Buffy and Angel, hence the overuse of the word "vamp.") But Laddie starts to be all sad, cause he's missing out on being a normal kid. Then more vamps show up to help with the recruitment drive, and there's a big action-y conflict scene before the happy ending, in which "Laddie ends up staying in America and becoming a normal kid." [But is he still a vampire? How does that work? Where does he live? There are more plot holes in the movie than there are in this lameass book.] And Kristy gets hired to watch Derek while he's on the set (and Claud gets hired to watch his kid brother Todd on the set when Todd's shooting--he's got a bit part). And there's tension between the Derek and Carson and all sorts of movie activities. And then there are a bunch of accidents which may or may not be aimed at Derek, but Kristy is convinced (and convinces the BSC) that Derek's in danger. So, they start to follow suspects and blah blah blah. And Kristy lucks upon the right suspect just in time to save Derek's life; this weird girl who's obsessed with Carson Fraser and cuts the brake lines in Derek's chauffeur's car in an attempt to keep Derek from outshining Carson. I'm still not entirely sure what her motivation was, or why she was trying to kill a little kid, but there ya go. Overly complicated plot? Check. The BSC finding a mystery where one may or may not actually exist? Check. Lots of red herrings? Check. The BSC opting to avoid police involvement, even when they think that someone's life is in danger? Check. Me wanting to put my head through the window? Check. Yep, it's a BSC Mystery.
- "The Day I Found Out It Was Going to Be an Interesting Summer." Aw man, Kristy's caught a case of the caps!
- Um, apparently David Michael's hair "has these soft little curls that are the envy of all my friends." What? Gotta love details thrown in tp give the characters more, well, character.
- Kristy's dad "was never very involved as a parent, and I guess that's partly why he left--he just wasn't interested in being a daddy." I really hate how all that stuff about Kristy's dad just gets tossed off like that. Either leave it out, or at least kinda deal with it.
- So, when did Karen and Andrew start living with Watson every other month? That seems even more complicated than the previous arrangement.
- More "Nannie's a character" bullshit. "She goes bowling, to aqua-aerobics classes, poker tournaments--you name it, she does it." How about taxidermy? Bank robbery? Running a drug cartel? Just checking...
- Kristy reads a Beetle Bailey comic strip to children. And they are apparently amused by it. I wasn't aware that anyone under the age of, like, 75, finds that shit amusing. And she reads a comic strip to them???
- Heh. Mary Anne wonders if Cam Geary might be in the movie.
- Oh, and they don't mention that's it a TV movie until a ways into the book.
- Ever notice how the BSC are always running so they won't be late for meetings?
- The movie's being shot in Stoneybrook because the Masters family suggested it "as the perfect small town setting."
- Stacey "still has that urban flair." Kristy should totally write copy for the Newport News catalog.
- Heh, Carson Fraser is on a show called Miami Beach, USA. As opposed to Miami Beach, Greenland, which is totally my favorite show.
- Does a wardrobe lady really wear "a long gray smock with lots of pockets?"
- There are lots of boring descriptions of how boring it is to be on set most of the time.
- And apparently, they let anyone hang out and watch the shoot. Even when they're shooting inside the elementary school.
- Kristy has finally found her scene! "I fit right in, fashion-wise...Just about everybody...wore jeans, or shorts, and ratty T-shirts. That outfit, plus maybe a baseball cap, was practically the uniform for the set."
- Part of the tension on set comes from Derek pretty much always outperforming and outshining the movie's "star," THE Carson Fraser.
- There is a shit ton of exposition about how Derek has grown a few inches and has gotten a bit clumsy. Seriously, like a page and a half of the book, just dedicated to that.
- Actually, there's a ton of useless exposition pretty much all throughout this book. Whoopee.
- Sheila Mayberry is the PR Bitch for the movie, and she's aiming to have everyone in Hollywood talking about the movie. Yes, the TV movie. That's right, the made-for-television movie.
- The director gets pissed that Derek messes up a shot at the very end, and they'll have to reshoot it later. Did they only budget enough time for one take of each shot? For a movie with kids? I learned in Filmmaking I that you always budget for multiple takes.
- I'm not sure why Kristy decides that she "owed it to Claire to help her get over her fear of vampires..." Ah, lack of believable motivation...In a BSC book? Never...
- When Todd's thirsty during one of Derek's scenes, Mrs. Masters tells him to go get a soda. Todd is only four. Later, she tells Derek he can't have a cookie before noon. Someone's not very consistent.
- Accident #1: Todd breaks the glass that was supposed to be the breakaway glass from Derek's scene! Only it's real glass! Derek could've been seriously injured! The propmaster gets booted over that one.
- Kristy talks her way into one of the production offices, and some woman shows her receipts and paperwork and shit. The fuck????!!!!??? Who's gonna let some random kid take a look at production paperwork? And don't they have a production secretary or something similar who'd be in the office? Argh!
- The scenes between Carson and his manager are like watching Entourage, Jr.
- The only thing clumsier than Derek is the foreshadowing in this book. Slam!
- Accident #2: Derek's stuntwoman's harness breaks during a stunt! And she falls! And Derek would've been doing that stunt if it weren't for Accident #1!
- Oh, the crazy Carson girl? She wears a rose in her buttonhole every single day. Because she's actually an old-timey gentleman. Or, I'm guessing, because she's fucking crazy.
- Kristy opens an envelope addressed to Derek. Her excuse? "Now, ordinarly [sic] I would never open somebody else's mail, but in this case, something told me that I should." And lucky for her hunch, it's a threatening note for Derek! Blah, she tells his mom, who tells his agent, and they both tell her not to worry. But she does anyway! And now it's a mystery! For the BSC to solve!
- Stupid emergency meetings.
- Of course, it never occurs to any of them to CALL THE FUCKING POLICE if they think some kid's life is actually in danger!
- At least sixty people on set? At least is right!
- I think Shannon is the least insane member of the BSC. Sure, she has her moments, too, but she's generally the most reasonable member of the crew.
- Is there really a perfect day for blowing bubbles? I think any day is a perfect day for blowing bubbles.
- I'm really not feeling this whole Charlotte=detective persona. I really don't buy it.
- The three motels on the outskirts of the 'Brook? The George Washington, the Sleepy Bear and the Kozy Kabins. The first sounds like a B&B, the second sounds like a hunting lodge in Montana, and the third sounds like budget accommodations in the Poconos. Why not a Holiday Inn? A Best Western? Why always trying to be clever?
- Heh. Cokie Mason's totally trying to get in Carson's pants, even acting all buddy-buddy with Kristy on set.
- "Cokie minced up to us on white high-heeled sandals. She was wearing a white, ruffly peasant blouse that was pulled off her shoulders and a pink flowered skirt. She looked ridiculous." That doesn't sound any more ridiculous than most (all?) of Claudia's outfits, and quite a few of Dawn's and Stacey's, too.
- So, Cokie throws a party for the entire cast and crew (obviously trying to get Carson to show--and he totally doesn't! Burn!)...And everything is decorated in pink, Cokie included. And everybody gets food poisoning!!! Hee!
- "Claudia was looking great in a loose, flowery jumpsuit." I don't think there's enough fire to burn that image out of my head. [I'm picturing a floral version of Janeane Garofalo's jumpsuit when she was the B-Minus Time Traveler on The Ben Stiller Show, just so you know.]
- Seriously, why would some company voluntarily just give info about their customers to a bunch of nosy girls?
- Carson's manager looks like a villain, "since he always wore black and loved to puff on those huge cigars." Do you ever get the feeling that the BSC learned everything they know from movies that would show on Turner Classic Movies?
- No, Kristy, trespassing in someone's trailer is not a "great idea." It's a fucking stupid idea. A really fucking stupid idea.
- Yeah, Kristy goes snooping in Carson's trailer.
- Ah, the director likes Mal's look, sending us all into a collective flashback to California Girls. Even the ghostwriter got sucked into that vortex.
- After an uneventful week, Kristy starts to think the "mystery" was all in her head.
- They get all "what if we don't solve the mystery before he goes back to California? We can't protect him there!" News flash! You probably really couldn't protect him if a real criminal was after him, not just some crazy fangirl!
- In fact, the BSC are dealing with the dumbest "criminal" ever, as she highlights the relevant evidence in a book and drops it in a convenience store.
- The climax and resolution here really are the stupidest set of coincidences ever. It's not really "solving" a mystery if you luck upon the crime and the criminal just by being there and being paranoid. Just sayin'.
- Oh, and she wants to kill the kid for stealing scenes from her stalkee. The hell?
- She winds up in "Hidden Acres, a private Massachusetts facility for emotionally disturbed adolescents." Hidden Acres, eh? Perhaps yet another fictionalization of McLean?
- Oh, yeah. The Masters fam hires Dawn to set-sit for Derek in Cali. Wooo.
- The book ends with a really lame "memory book" with all sorts of news clippings about the movie. Yippee.
Dude, this one was painful. Really, really terrible. I think maybe I died a little inside while reading it. It was that bad.