Saturday, April 12, 2008

Update-y type thing

mocena, you need to get in touch with me to claim your prize...

Also, I was going to do an update, but I don't have it in me. I'm taking an indefinite hiatus, for personal reasons.

Thank you all for reading, and I hope to someday return to this project (or something similar). If you're interested in knowing when I do, send an email to the above email address with the subject line "Mailing list."


Sunday, March 16, 2008

Time to Dance

That's right, kids. It's bracket time!!!!! For those of you who don't know, the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament is upon us. And I have decided to start a bracket for the Claudia's Room crew. The winner will get a prize, though I'm not sure what it is yet. (If I win, the runner up will get the prize. And roommates are not eligible for the prize, RNL. Sorry.) So, here's the deal:

You are invited to participate in The New York Times N.C.A.A. Men's basketball Bracket Tournament. To join my group and fill out your bracket, go to the link below and enter the group code.

Group Code: 9938e295712IfT21PhvqSQ2FPDtw3NUUGog

You have until Thursday, March 20, at 11:30 AM ET to enter and save your picks.

Now, if you're not familiar with filling out a bracket, it's simple. You go through and pick winners for each of the matches of each of the rounds of the tournament. You get points for picking winners (the points increase as you move through the rounds). The person with the highest score at the end of the tournament wins. You have until the tournament starts to make your choices (and your changes). You make your picks for the entire tournament before it starts. So, if all your picks lose in the first round, you're done.

[I'm not sure if you have to have a NYTimes login to play. If you don't it's quick to sign up, and pretty painless and totally worth it to join my bracket.]

So, if you're into it, join the bracket! If college basketball's not your thing, I'm posting again this week, hopefully, before the tournament starts.

Go Pitt! Big East Champs! Hell yeah!

PS-I show up as uglygreen on the bracket.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Even when you live in a mansion, your car can get stuck; or, BSC #81: Kristy and Mr. Mom

Alright folks...Here's the deal. I'm wicked busy these days, and I have a lot of personal shit going on...Soooooo, posting will continue to be a bit irregular (and no stupid yogurt will help, nor will Yaz) for a while...And, not to be a dick, but I believe I said things would probably be spotty...[Multiple menstrual innuendos in the first paragraph! I'm so proud!] However, I will try to post every other week or so...I do have an RSS feed, so try that instead of checking back every hour...

Oooh, and keep your eyes peeled mid-March, cause I'm going to try to set up a Claudia's Room March Madness bracket! 'Cause I love me some college basketball, no snarkiness at all.

Okay, this is another cover that actually shows shit that happens in the book...

No, David Michael hasn't joined a Rooster Cult; he's in a play (The Brememtown Musicians) and he has a totally lame costume.

Is Watson really that fat? I always pictured him as bald and kinda lanky...I think I recall that from an illustration from one of the Super Specials.

And why does Emily's jumpsuit have color-coordinated shin guards? Cause bitch totally stole that look from me.


Watson has a heart attack, then decides to take some time off work, and Nannie moves out cause she thinks they don't want or need her around anymore. But things get crazy, and then Nannie moves back in, and Watson works from home 3 hours a day and everything is all better.

S-s-s-s-s-subplot: Mrs. Marshall is a fucking bitch cow hag. She keeps hiring one sitter than springing another three kids on her (bringing the grand total to FIVE FUCKING YOUNG CHILDREN FOR ONE SITTER). When the girls start bringing help in the form of another BSCer, Mrs. Hag gets pissy and refuses to pay for two sitters. And she not once doubts the wisdom of leaving five kids with an 11-year-old. Finally, things blow up and Stacey refuses to sit for them when Mrs. Bitch Cow [that's totally a "word," RNL. Whatever, I'll make it up if I want!] pulls that shit again. Then Kristy finally confronts her and tra-la-la happy fucking ending.

The finer points:

  • Watson. My good man. Try using a shovel if the car is stuck. Before you try to push. Just saying this as someone who got plowed into a few New England parking lots and driveways...
  • And the "Karen" for Most Specific Job Description Ever in a BSC Book goes to...Watson Brewer! CEO of Unity Insurance in Stamford! You can give your acceptance speech when you get out of the hospital!
  • Kristy is "nuts" about her grandmother. Which just an odd way to describe a familial relationship.
  • I hate fake gossip. I don't care about Sabrina Bouvier. And at this point, ghostwriter, you're just showing off. "Oh, look at me! I've read other BSC books before writing one!"
  • The only outfit (other than David Michael's costume): "This winter Claud's been into hats. She buys old hats in thrift stores and covers them in sequins, buttons, and really outrageous feathers. Usually she wears them with one of her super trendy outfits, like a red long underwear shirt with tiny black-and-white polka dot suspenders, pinstripe trousers, and ruby sequined slippers." When was that super trendy? And how the fuck would Kristy "Queen of the Sweatshirts" know what was super trendy. Super trendy. Say it, it's fun!
  • "Luv with a capital L." More like lame withe a capital F-U-C-K-I-N-G.
  • Kristy doesn't go in for all that "goopy stuff." Ew, she's so dirty...
  • Did you know that you can't like reading, knitting AND sports? I certainly didn't...Now, which one of these am I going to have to give up?
  • Aw, Logan "manages to charm everyone with his Kentucky accent." I might know somebody like that...[Ahem. Speaking of Kentucky accents, I had an apartment full of Kentucky boys last weekend, and I don't think one of them liked to babysit. Shocking.]
  • I really have no desire to read that super special with the weddings...It's referenced in this book, and it doesn't sound amusing. AT ALL.
  • Aw, Kristy calls Watson her father. And, like, saves his life or something.
  • Can they really hold the school bus for a kid to run back inside? I think all my bus drivers would've been all "He-ELL no!"
  • This book apparently ran so low on plot that they summarized like five other BSC books in passing.
  • The no one ever ages in these books phenomenon even extends to Dawn's six months in Cali; the kids haven't aged a day in six months. Literally.
  • Ever noticed how many parents in the 'Brook are so desperate to get away from their kids they leave them in less than safe situations?
  • Has Eleanor Marshall always said a w instead of an r? "Tweasure," for example. Cause it's more nauseating than cute.
  • Also, did the BSC really never ask how many kids they'd be sitting for? I kinda recall it in the past. And they don't have a per child rate? That doesn't seem like smart business...
  • Ah, "QRU. Call for Help. Rescue Rangers. Alert! And Emergency Room." Remember in the 90s, when there were 30 million medical dramas? Good times.
  • These people make banners for every single thing that ever happens...I need to start doing that. Oh, wait. No, I really fucking don't.
  • Claymate? Oh, a Claymate! No, I don't think that's right either...Maybe they mean Play-Doh?
  • "Charlie had installed an intercom system to let Watson call almost anywhere in the house." Is he a master electrician in addition to a chauffeur? Lucky guy...Besides, wouldn't walkie-talkies have been easier?
  • Karen calls her mom & stepdad's house "the little house." Bet they luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv that.
  • Karen has reading glasses and regular glasses? At 7?
  • I realize these girls are really only kids, but they never fucking call the parents (of their sitting charges) out for being dickholes.
  • Oh, it's so sad. Nannie feels pushed out...Watch me...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
  • [That was me getting bored and falling asleep.]
  • Nannie winds up with kickass apartment for a few weeks. But she gives up a beautiful place of her own to take care of somebody else's kids, don't worry.
  • They apparently never told any clients about the "more than one sitter for more than three kids" rule. Why doesn't that really shock me?
  • In fact, they don't even tell Mrs. Marshall the rule when they have the opportunity. Dumbasses.
  • Karen has a "meltdown." And acts like a 14-year-old. You know, sulky, emo-style. But she's only 7. They grow up so fast.
  • Wait, Kristy has to pay for her own school lunches? For real? Cause that's pretty low-rent, Daddy Watson-bucks.
  • "Good Cluck on Your Opening." Fuck. Ing. Lame.
  • Blah, happy ending.

How do you like them apples? By which, of course, I mean your breasts. Heh.

That's all for this week, kids.

PS-I'm a little loopy, so forgive me any spelling or grammars slips. Thanks...

Thursday, February 28, 2008


Update forthcoming. Keep your Daisy Dukes on.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I woke up with a mouthful of cat fur; or, BSC #79: Mary Anne Breaks the Rules

One. I got wicked sick last weekend. Hence, no post. Plus, I'm still nursing a bit of a broken heart, courtesy of the Super Bowl (ultra mega sad face).

Two. If my loyal readers sense a slightly less affectionate tone towards the books I've been blogging about lately, there is a reason. I don't feel even the slightest bit of nostalgia for these later books because I didn't read them when I was a kid. I've blogged most of the books I read when I was younger (with a few notable hard-to-find exceptions), so I'm pretty much reading stuff that I've never read before, and these books are pretty terrible when you're reading them for the first time as a full-fledged adult. They just are. So there.

So, on to the cover of this week's book:

That poor kid on the cover. Not only is he miserable, but he's pudgy and unathletic and he can't even snap his jacket properly. Plus, Mary Anne is totally dressed like a soccer mom. And she's neglecting the Kuhn daughters, cause she's hanging outside with the boys. Oops.

I also didn't know that "boyfriends and baby-sitting don't mix!" Especially since everyone makes a friggin' huge deal about how awesome it is that Logan baby-sits.

Is it plot-tastic? You decide...

Mary Anne's spending a lot time sitting for the recently-divorced Kuhn family (imagine that...she's got a lot of jobs with one family for this book only!), and Jake's all depressed. And MA decides that Jake needs a male in his life. A sporty male. So, without consulting Mrs. Kuhn (who's probably wanting a little male company as well...just sayin'), MA invites Logan to stop by and play with Jake. Play sports, sickos! And Jake's all happy, and he's getting better at sports, and he's getting a lot too attached to Bruno and there's a bunch of description of Jake & Logan being all sporty. Then, Mrs. Kuhn comes home early and finds Logan there. And Mary Anne, being a complete pussy, doesn't try to explain the situation (cause she thinks Mrs. Kuhn will think MA is criticizing her mothering or something--still not entirely sure why), and Logan's off like a shot. And then Mrs. Kuhn calls the BSC, and everyone's all pissed at MA (and she still doesn't fucking explain the situation). AND  they're all fucking paranoid that Mrs. Kuhn will call every parent in the 'Brook and no one will ever use the BSC again! But, of course, they're fucking retarded. And everything gets tied up with a neat little bow at the end.

Subplot-tastic? Not so much...A bunch of the kids decide to have a haunted house (oh, yeah, it's Halloween again somehow), but they get in a tussle about whether it should be funny or gross/scary. So, they have competing ones, and the BSC are only marginally involved. Oh, and it's wicked boring.

Some light reading...

  • There was almost another subplot...Jessi thinks Logan should take up ballet.
  • This book starts with Mary Anne waking up from a dream. Doesn't that happen in a couple of hers?
  • Heh...Mary Anne's all psyched cause "I was caught up with my homework, not one person was mad at me, my boyfriend and I were getting along great, my family was happy, and the Baby-sitters Club was not overwhelmed with work." Wow, she has really high standards...And how many people are normally mad at her? Seriously?
  • "I had picked out my clothes the night before: a brand-new pair of rust-colored corduroy slacks, a blue button-down shirt, and a floral-patterned white cotton sweater. That's my look--Neat Preppy Casual--and I love it." Um, she's a total soccer mom!!!! That sounds like something my mom would wear.
  • Ah, joking around at breakfast. "The Schafer/Spier Morning Comedy Hour." Bitch should hear some of the comedy between me and RNL at breakfast. It might make her blush...
  • Wow, deep Stacey contributes this jewel of wisdom...You never totally get over your parents' divorce. Especially not after like, two months...[shaking head sadly]
  • Ha! Logan's about to strip for the ladies!!! But they get all shy and stop him. Damn shame. Nothing hotter than a 13-year-old boy's bare chest.
  • Kristy attacks Alan Gray at school, and he gets in trouble. The fuck?
  • Shannon wants to take sackbut lessons. And they're way more mature about it than I would've been...
  • It's EXTREEEEEEEEEEME happiness.
  • I thought Patsy Kuhn was way younger than five...I can't keep all these fucking kids straight.
  • Jake "insults" Buddy Barrett by calling him "Cruddy Carrot," and Cruddy, in turn calls Jake "Fake Prune." Yeah...
  • Oh, Stacey..."Stacey was wearing this stunning black double-breasted tuxedo-style suit with a satiny white tank underneath." Yeah, she and Robert had gone to Chez Pierre. And she looked ass.
  • All these bitches tell terrible stories.
  • Jake doesn't even ask his mom if he can have the haunted house. These kids never ask their fucking parents, and their parents never tell them no! The hell?
  • This book was really fucking boring.
  • MA thinks she's "become the great embarrassment of the Baby-sitters Club." Trust me, there's plenty for all the girls to be embarrassed about. Just saying.
  • Why do these girls insist on creating acronyms for everything? Did they go to library school or something?
  • "Having a club doesn't mean anything if we don't support each other?" Wow, Jessi, that borders on deep...
  • Mrs. Arnold calls for an emergency sitter cause she lost one of her contacts and has to get it replaced. Doesn't she have glasses?
  • Carolyn imitates a chicken by saying "buck-buck-buck," and all I could hear was

    [Fuckin' stooges already pulled the video from was GOB's chicken dance from Arrested Development...]

  • Groit. Is it a disease? Or an Australian saying great? The world will never know...
  • Logan freaks out cause MA talks about him using makeup! As part of a zombie costume! What if somebody hears?!?!?
  • Alan Gray helps out with one of the haunted houses...Cause he likes to help children. Or something...

Well, that's that. This book was really, really lame. And dull. There wasn't even that much to mock...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I like studying. And I like earning good grades; or, BSC #108: Don't Give Up, Mallory

Please, Mal. Give up.

Y'all better worship me for this. I could be watching Futurama with RNL, but nooooo. I'm sitting in front of my rad computer writing about the nerdiest retard in all the land: Mal.

Ah, the cover...Mal's teacher looks a bit like my 6th grade teacher, Mr. Fox. Yeah, and all the girls thought he was dreamy. Not just a clever name...

Also, the boys on the cover actually look vaguely age appropriate...sort of. I would've thought they were younger than 6th grade, but at least they don't look like they shave daily.

This book tries to shove three separate plot lines into 150 pages. It does not succeed.

"Plot" number 1: There's this whole thing about "Short Takes" classes. Apparently, "for several weeks at a time, everybody at SMS studies one subject intensively. It's usually a subject that regular classes don't cover." Right. So, this time around, everybody's studying kiddie lit. [Mainly so ANM can spew forth some bullshit in her little letter at the end of the book.] And Mal's wicked psyched cause she loves children's books. Seriously, it's mentioned in every fucking book in the damn series. And she's also psyched cause her teacher is going to be this hip young stud named Damien Cobb...I shit you not. Anyway, the class turns out to be a real bummer, cause Damien's favors the rowdy boys, and Mal isn't comfortable with a discussion style class. Or some shit like that. Finally, she confronts him and wins the day!!!!

"Plot" number 2: The entire 6th grade class does a week's worth of fundraising to raise money for some sort of gift to the school. Mal's in charge, and she sets up this whole FUN-raiser (I'm not making that shit up.) and there's going to be a different money-maker every day (every previous year, it was a week-long candy sale). And she finds out that a class a few years back had donated a grand to create a student lounge in the library, but it never happened. Blah, blah, blah, fake drama. Turns out the school had to use the $$$ to make some necessary repairs. And everyone's all outraged, cause the roof got fixed instead getting a new lounge. So, the 6th grade officers stand up to the principal, and they get him to agree to match funds. Typing this is boring me. You get the idea. They make enough money. I don't think I've read any book after this before, so I don't know if it ever materializes.

"Plot" number 3: Seriously. Sucks. Ass. Um, Buddy Barrett makes up a marching band so he can march in the Memorial Day parade. And instead of getting in trouble for making shit up, the BSC decides to put together a makeshift marching band for 50 million childrens. And they make instruments, but it sounds terrible, so they decide to hide kazoos in all the fake instruments. And the parade is a mess, cause there are too many kids and the parents are all irresponsible. And for once, the BSC bites off more than they can chew. Woo. Fucking. Hoo.

Now, for the fun(?) stuff...

  • Mal doesn't want to brag. But she does anyway. She's an excellent student. And she fucking loves to study. And write papers. And do homework. And she'll never get laid.
  • Mal's the only person to get straight A's on her midterm eval. And everyone's freaking out cause she's a braniac or something.
  • I have never heard the expression stair-step kids. I guess it means far too many children born too close together. Or, "We don't know how to use a fucking condom."
  • This book should totally have been called "Mallory Pike, Miss Know-it-all."
  • Has Justin and "his 'cutest boy in sixth grade' grin" ever made an appearance before?
  • "I knew that I had only a few more seconds before I would be tardy." Too late, already tard-y.
  • "When I went home that Friday afternoon, I wasn't walking--I was floating." And spewing forth terrible, terrible cliches.
  • Seriously, I can't include every example of Mal's nerdiful dorkitude.
  • Why would you think that "such a powerhouse person would be tall?" Ever heard of the Napoleon Complex? I got one.
  • Ah. The "best thing about [Logan] is he likes to baby-sit." Poor guy must not have much going for him then.
  • Pretzels and Cheez Whiz. Yum? Doubt it.
  • Claudia "was wearing denim overall shorts, a short black T-shirt, red-and-white pin-striped stockings that came over the top of her knees, red thick-soled patent leather shoes, and a black felt derby." I can't believe I'm going to say this, but this outfit almost works. Of course I could just be distracted by the shoes, cause WANT!!!!
  • I really need to read the book where they shove Claud back to grade 7. Because it all seems incredibly implausible. Would any school really send someone backwards in the middle of the year? Why not just hold the bitch back????
  • "Abby, the athlete, can usually be found in bike shorts, and a T-shirt, whereas Anna, the musician, would more likely wear a dress." Ah, yes. Because you can't be sporty and dress well, and you can't dress comfortably or be moderately hip if you're a musician.
  • Have we ever met Megan Armstrong, the Korean girl, before?
  • You want to know about Damien? Here: "Our Short Takes teacher stood at the front of the classroom. He was dressed in a collarless white shirt, jeans, and a black vest. His sun-streaked hair looked great with his deep tan and gleaming white teeth. Was he cool? Totally." Not.
  • So, when Mal finds out her class will be discussion based, her "stomach sank. This was starting to sound more like a debate class than a literature class." Just wait until you get to college, sweetie.
  • Maybe he's not calling on you cause he can tell you're a dork with no imagination. Just an idea.
  • "Claudia wore shorts and a rainbow tie-dyed T-shirt. Her hair was pulled into a thick pony-tail held by a matching tie-dyed scrunchie." Soooo much tie-dye. It hurts. Also, I totally saw Claudia on my way to a Wizards game the other day! Asian-American, side ponytail, terrible clothes. Amazing.
  • Also, no one ever asks the parents before setting up the "marching band."
  • Good sitting involves tricking the kids into doing what you want. I had forgotten about that.
  • They make up names for the fucking cardboard instruments. Names like "google-blaster" and "snorkaphone."
  • Um, can the class secretary really decide on a class activity while keeping it secret from the rest of the officers? Don't think so.
  • Oh, yeah. Mr. Cobb went to Princeton. As he keeps reminding us...
  • Oh, and there's this whole Women's Studies 101 thing about one of the class officers acting all meek and wimpy around the boys so they won't think she's too aggressive. Yep, that's about the age girls start playing dumb for the boys.
  • Mal thinks boys might be more confident because they have it easier.
  • Vodka and Canada Dry Bitter Lemon = awesome! [Not actually in the book, but in my tummy!]
  • Dude, if you can't talk to your friends, you're in big fucking trouble. I recommend therapy. It's fun!
  • Are there any meetings that aren't "emergency meetings" in the 'Brook?
  • Two grand won't go very far in building (or furnishing) (or decorating) a student lounge.
  • Yeah, Sandra's kinda right. Boys won't like her if she acts like a brain. Just ask Pelle Carlberg.
  • "Pile on Stacey!" Ah, BSC lezzie action.
  • Gawd. Notebook entries are wicked boring.
  • Do they really need to mention that Norman is a fattie every time he shows up?
  • Okay, I think the ZuZu's Petals (a flower shop in Stoneybrook) name drop is prolly a shout out to the lame-o It's a Wonderful Life, but I got all excited, like, "Isn't that Wife-y Westerberg's name?" Cause I've been obsessed with Paul Westerberg since right around the time I gave up on these books.
  • The class discussions are "so one-sided. Boy-sided." Oh, Mal, you're so clever. Good one, Dave. You're a legend, Dave. [Sorry, I'm kind of a lot obsessed with Flight of the Conchords right now. And listening to them. Right now.]
  • Sandra is complaining cause her feet hurt. Cause she's wearing chunky two-inch heels. In sixth grade. Also, those don't sound too bad. It's not like these crazy stilettos.
  • Mr. Cobb's a dick. And he went to Princeton!
  • I think Mr. Kingbridge (that's the SMS principal) has been watching the beginning of Say Anything too much. You know, "Hey world, check ME out." Well, he's all "Yes, we can! Just watch us!"
  • The parents just leave their kids for the parade without checking to see if anyone is there to watch them. They are BAD, BAD parents. Shame!
  • I think Mal's already been indoctrinated by ALA. She's all "the balance between boy books and girl books."
  • So, so sad. Mal's first B.

Yeah, this book was so fucking bad, I had to break it up into two nights. And drink. Mmm. Delicious drink.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Algebra is so balanced and logical; or, BSC #76: Stacey's Lie.

First of all this book should totally have been called "Stacey is a Selfish Fucking Cow." Now, I know she's usually selfish and inconsiderate in general, but this book positively revels in her assitude.

To the cover!

Yeah, this kind of thing had nothing to do with my ridiculous expectations of teenage boys. Not at all. (To be fair, I didn't read this way back when, but it is exemplary of romance in the BSC. Just sayin'.) Also, it's another case of the little cover blurb having very little to do with anything. The book is mostly about Miss McGill being an asshat to her alleged best friend, Miss Claudia Kishi. Sure, she's keeping secrets and lying and acting all around shitty to everyone she's ever known, except Mr. Perfect Boyfriend. So, yeah. It should have been "How many people will she hurt?" or something to that effect.

Let me explain. Yep, it's another overly complicated plot in which not much actually happens. And, in some kind of miracle, someone (actually two someones!) in the BSC goes on a vacation and doesn't do a single minute of babysitting!!!!!!!!!! And the BSC takes a week off!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!!! First of all, in a feat bypassing years and buckets of labor laws, Stacey's boy-toy Robert gets a job working on the Fire Island Ferry (I almost wrote "Fairy" because I am terribly, terribly mature. And I still think of Fire Island as almost as gay as P-town.) So, they won't be able so spend any time together over the summer. Sad face. But then, Stacey's dad wants to take her on a two-week vacation, to her destination of choice. So, instead of cashing in and going someplace cool or exciting or different that she might not ever have a chance to see otherwise, she decides to go to Fire Island so she can scam time with her boy. Yep. And her dad lets her invite Claudia, who is wicked psyched about it. So, the trip commences, and she doesn't tell Claud or Dad about Robert being there. Stacey gets up early to walk Robert to work ON THE FIRST FUCKING FERRY OF THE DAY. Then she meets him every time he has a break. And drags poor Claudia along. ("Legend, the legend, the thiiiiird-wheel legend." All book long. Seriously.) And then things get messy with Claud and Stace, especially when Stacey starts cutting her time with Claud short and abandoning her to roll with Robert. Yep. Oh, and then Stacey and Robert, while on a romantic nighttime walk on the beach, run into Mr. McGill and his new paramour while they're on a romantic nighttime beach stroll. And Stacey throws a fit that her dad lied. Because she is a fucking hypocrite. Oh, and Robert dumps her at one point because he wonders when she'll start lying to him like she does to everyone else. Heh. Oh, and because the parents in these books are certifiable, the rest of the BSC (well, minus the junior officers, of course) come out to Fire Island to celebrate the Fourth of July. And they all hate Stacey, too!!! Finally!!! But Stacey and Claudia make up at the end of the book. Boo.

Oh, and there's this uber-lame subplot. Haley Braddock and Vanessa Pike have a huge fucking fight because they both got the same bathing suit. Yawn.

The finer points:

  • [I also kept singing "Pretty Deep" by Tanya Donelly while reading this book. Look up the lyrics, you'll understand.]
  • There's this weird thing at the beginning with Stacey's mom making dinner, when she "picked up her favorite knife and started slicing the skin off the chicken." Yum. At least she's wearing a "cream-colored silk shirt and matching slacks [and] a purple-and-gold-striped apron." I can't say I have a favorite knife. I like to be an equal-opportunity cutlery user. Or something.
  • Here we go: "The next morning I got up, pulled on a pair of blue tights, black canvas walking shorts, a long-sleeved, blue T-shirt, and a pair of black flats. I piled my blonde perm up on top of my head and fastened it with a blue stretchie tie." But wait! After looking out the window, "I ripped the stretchie [Fucking a, ghostwriter, they're scrunchies. Duh.] from my hair and let the curls fall around my shoulders. I took off my clothes [oooooooh!] and changed into my new one-piece shorts dress [WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHORTS DRESS?!?!?!?] with the gold,red and green Aztec-style print. I slipped into a pair of light tan woven flats and I was set to go." Both outfits are giving me the twitches.
  • Robert the Boyfriend "isn't exactly model-gorgeous like, say, Jason Priestly, but to me his is simply adorable...His smile just finishes me. It makes me melt, completely." Um. Okay. It finishes her, does it? Sounds vaguely dirty to me. Only vaguely. But still.
  • Damn! She blew her savings on a marble chess set with pieces shaped like Civil War soldiers for her dad's Father's Day gift.
  • Stacey's dad to Stacey: "How would you like to go buy yourself a pretty summery something to wear to dinner tonight? I'll take you to the Lion's Lair." Tiff, to herself: "Is she his daughter or his mistress?"
  • [Also, I don't think it's a real place.]
  • Oh, Stacey. "After an hour or so of looking around, I settled on this super cute flowing pants outfit in a sunflower print against a navy blue background. It had a high waist, cap sleeves, and a scoop neck, and the pants were long and full." It sounds...[gawd, I hate quoting Michael Stupid Kors] very mother-of-the-bride.
  • While fantasizing about going to Paris, she sees herself wearing "a great red beret with something super stylish." That's specific. She decides to save Europe for later, perhaps her honeymoon with Robert. Yup. She needs help.
  • Oh, they go to Davis Park on Fire Island. Which, breaking pattern, is a real place.
  • Some comic relief! "Claudia knows how to personalize a look. She'll combine clothing in a way you might think would be disastrous and instead of disaster she ends up with perfection. [Wow, that sentence is awkward.] For example, today she was wearing a long, black, crocheted vest that fell to her knees over a pair of black shorts and a white blouse with ruffles at the collar and cuffs. Her hair was in two long braids tied with black and white ribbons at the ends. On her feet were black sandals with a thick platform sole and white ribbons which laced around her ankles...The outfit might sound crazy, but it looked great." If I hear that one more time, I might start to believe it. Wait, no I fucking won't. It looks terrible!!!!!
  • Claud (and her parents) get less than a week's notice about the trip. And no one thinks that's odd.
  • "Oh, did I say that Jessi is African-American? Well, she is." So, so nonchalant. So classy.
  • Stacey is just positive that Mal will be a knockout one of these days. I, for one, am not convinced. Also, Stacey is monumentally fucking condescending. In addition to being a bitch. And a liar.
  • What kind of community center pays two eleven-year-olds to be counselors?
  • Mmmm, falafel.
  • Are there really no cars in Davis Park?
  • OOOOH, DRAMA! Claud finds out that Robert's there on the ferry! Drama on the first fucking day! Woo!
  • How is an eleven-year-old getting a paycheck? How could they get working papers? The fuck????
  • Ah, easily "resolved" fights.
  • Meeting Robert before he has to report to the first ferry [It is entirely too hard not to type "fairy."] "What a great way to start the day!" Ass early. Which is when I get up, and I it's all I can do to make it out the door fully dressed and with all necessary keys.
  • There's this whole thing about how Mr. McGill is always hanging out with his friend, Mr. Majors. Holy shit, did I want them to be gay for each other.
  • Claudia winds up spending tons of time by herself working on photography projects and sitting at a pizzeria. Her best friend sucks. Ha ha, mine doesn't!
  • Claud totally calls her on it! "But it feels as if you're just killing time with me until you can see Robert again. And that's not a great feeling." But bitchy Stacey doesn't change her evil ways.
  • Claud about Mr. McGill: "He sure loves Mr. Majors." Heee. So, so gay for each other!!!!
  • Ah, early 90s fashion that is clawing its ugly way into the present: "I pulled on a pair of green leggings and a sleeveless denim top. Claudia wore a pair of wild tie-dyed leggings and an over-sized T-shirt she'd designed and silk-screened herself. She'd painted a flock of birds flying diagonally across it." Okay, so maybe it's not entirely trendy now, but it's pretty damned close.
  • Can teenagers eat at the restaurant in the Casino?
  • Wow, Robert's crazy about Stacey. And she thought he just like-liked her.
  • Also, there's a bunch of shit in this book about the technological miracle of the fax machine. I fucking hate faxing. Just set it up so I can email it. Bitches.
  • "I was there in time to see the boat pull into the dock. Robert spotted me from the upper deck and waved. I waved back. (It was so romantic. I thought about long ago days, and sailors coming home from the sea. I imagined myself as Robert's true love, waiting on the dock to greet him. I could easily picture myself in a long white skirt, with ribbons in my hair.)" Also, way to romanticize a situation that didn't always end so happily. Ever heard of a widow's walk, sweetheart?
  • What kind of adult offers to take a couple of thirteen-year-olds (sans parents) on a romantic evening sail? Asking for trouble.
  • Stacey's big romantic sail outfit? A "white and blue sundress with a dropped waist and square sailor collar." Cause she's starting kindergarten soon.
  • Mr. McGill is going to a party at Stu Majors's house, and he looks all guilty after talking to "Stu" on the phone. Soooo. Gaaaaaaay.
  • Hee! I used to love Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.
  • Haley makes up really violent anti-Vanessa signs. And Mary Anne doesn't stop her. The hell? Then she lets her hang one of the signs on the Pikes' fence.
  • "I wondered if I was to blame for what happened with Claudia. [YES!] I was only trying to keep her happy by spending time with her. [Spending time thinking about being somewhere else.] It wasn't my fault everything had gone wrong. [Actually, it is.] I hadn't meant to hurt her feelings. [Well, it's all okay then, isn't it?] I'd cared about her feelings. That's why I was in this mess to being with." No, hon, you're in this mess because you are a selfish little twat.
  • When we met Mr. McGill's lady friend, Samantha, my first thought was "Damn, it's a woman."
  • Good to know that Stace caught the liar gene from Daddy. But he's an adult, and he's your father. He can lie to you all he wants.
  • Stacey calls Claudia "pigheaded and selfish." Cough. POT. Cough. KETTLE. Cough. BLACK. Cough.  Got that frog out of my throat.
  • So, Claud wants them all to be in this costume parade for the 4th. And she sticks Stacey with the "most ridiculous" costume: "That morning, Claudia had tossed a green dragon costume onto my bed. It was made out of her green jumpsuit. She'd taped triangular green spikes to the back, leading all the way down to a spiky tail made from Claudia's green scarf...blah blah blah." She had a green jumpsuit and didn't make a Dr. Rockzo costume? Criminal. Stacey finds wearing it humiliating. Of course. Heaven forbid she find a sense of humor.
  • I love when ANYONE in these books shows any common sense. Robert: "I think maybe we've been spending too much time together. We're kind of young, and maybe we should be seeing other people." YES!
  • Claud's showing (and selling) a bunch of her pix at a little gallery/shop in Davis Park. And all her pix have retarded titles, like "That's the Way The Castle Crumbles." (Oh, they're all of sand castles.)
  • Why would anyone ever think that Stacey was perfect?
  • There's a bunch of bullshit make-up talk. "Oh, I'll never fuck you over for a boy again!" "Oh, I overreacted to your being a megabitch!" Hugs! [Obviously, I'm paraphrasing.]
  • Stacey & Robert go on a double date with Dad & Samantha. Awkward much?
  • The book ends terribly. "And that's no lie!" SMACK!!!!!!


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Keep your panties on...

Update forthcoming...I've been having some computer probs, and I have a very different schedule as of last week. So...I should have time this weekend to do an update. And I'm definitely thinking about the offers for books...And the feasibility of getting then or whatever...

And seriously, keep your panties on...You're nasty. Yeah. You can't do that here.