Friday, February 29, 2008

Even when you live in a mansion, your car can get stuck; or, BSC #81: Kristy and Mr. Mom

Alright folks...Here's the deal. I'm wicked busy these days, and I have a lot of personal shit going on...Soooooo, posting will continue to be a bit irregular (and no stupid yogurt will help, nor will Yaz) for a while...And, not to be a dick, but I believe I said things would probably be spotty...[Multiple menstrual innuendos in the first paragraph! I'm so proud!] However, I will try to post every other week or so...I do have an RSS feed, so try that instead of checking back every hour...

Oooh, and keep your eyes peeled mid-March, cause I'm going to try to set up a Claudia's Room March Madness bracket! 'Cause I love me some college basketball, no snarkiness at all.

Okay, this is another cover that actually shows shit that happens in the book...

No, David Michael hasn't joined a Rooster Cult; he's in a play (The Brememtown Musicians) and he has a totally lame costume.

Is Watson really that fat? I always pictured him as bald and kinda lanky...I think I recall that from an illustration from one of the Super Specials.

And why does Emily's jumpsuit have color-coordinated shin guards? Cause bitch totally stole that look from me.


Watson has a heart attack, then decides to take some time off work, and Nannie moves out cause she thinks they don't want or need her around anymore. But things get crazy, and then Nannie moves back in, and Watson works from home 3 hours a day and everything is all better.

S-s-s-s-s-subplot: Mrs. Marshall is a fucking bitch cow hag. She keeps hiring one sitter than springing another three kids on her (bringing the grand total to FIVE FUCKING YOUNG CHILDREN FOR ONE SITTER). When the girls start bringing help in the form of another BSCer, Mrs. Hag gets pissy and refuses to pay for two sitters. And she not once doubts the wisdom of leaving five kids with an 11-year-old. Finally, things blow up and Stacey refuses to sit for them when Mrs. Bitch Cow [that's totally a "word," RNL. Whatever, I'll make it up if I want!] pulls that shit again. Then Kristy finally confronts her and tra-la-la happy fucking ending.

The finer points:

  • Watson. My good man. Try using a shovel if the car is stuck. Before you try to push. Just saying this as someone who got plowed into a few New England parking lots and driveways...
  • And the "Karen" for Most Specific Job Description Ever in a BSC Book goes to...Watson Brewer! CEO of Unity Insurance in Stamford! You can give your acceptance speech when you get out of the hospital!
  • Kristy is "nuts" about her grandmother. Which just an odd way to describe a familial relationship.
  • I hate fake gossip. I don't care about Sabrina Bouvier. And at this point, ghostwriter, you're just showing off. "Oh, look at me! I've read other BSC books before writing one!"
  • The only outfit (other than David Michael's costume): "This winter Claud's been into hats. She buys old hats in thrift stores and covers them in sequins, buttons, and really outrageous feathers. Usually she wears them with one of her super trendy outfits, like a red long underwear shirt with tiny black-and-white polka dot suspenders, pinstripe trousers, and ruby sequined slippers." When was that super trendy? And how the fuck would Kristy "Queen of the Sweatshirts" know what was super trendy. Super trendy. Say it, it's fun!
  • "Luv with a capital L." More like lame withe a capital F-U-C-K-I-N-G.
  • Kristy doesn't go in for all that "goopy stuff." Ew, she's so dirty...
  • Did you know that you can't like reading, knitting AND sports? I certainly didn't...Now, which one of these am I going to have to give up?
  • Aw, Logan "manages to charm everyone with his Kentucky accent." I might know somebody like that...[Ahem. Speaking of Kentucky accents, I had an apartment full of Kentucky boys last weekend, and I don't think one of them liked to babysit. Shocking.]
  • I really have no desire to read that super special with the weddings...It's referenced in this book, and it doesn't sound amusing. AT ALL.
  • Aw, Kristy calls Watson her father. And, like, saves his life or something.
  • Can they really hold the school bus for a kid to run back inside? I think all my bus drivers would've been all "He-ELL no!"
  • This book apparently ran so low on plot that they summarized like five other BSC books in passing.
  • The no one ever ages in these books phenomenon even extends to Dawn's six months in Cali; the kids haven't aged a day in six months. Literally.
  • Ever noticed how many parents in the 'Brook are so desperate to get away from their kids they leave them in less than safe situations?
  • Has Eleanor Marshall always said a w instead of an r? "Tweasure," for example. Cause it's more nauseating than cute.
  • Also, did the BSC really never ask how many kids they'd be sitting for? I kinda recall it in the past. And they don't have a per child rate? That doesn't seem like smart business...
  • Ah, "QRU. Call for Help. Rescue Rangers. Alert! And Emergency Room." Remember in the 90s, when there were 30 million medical dramas? Good times.
  • These people make banners for every single thing that ever happens...I need to start doing that. Oh, wait. No, I really fucking don't.
  • Claymate? Oh, a Claymate! No, I don't think that's right either...Maybe they mean Play-Doh?
  • "Charlie had installed an intercom system to let Watson call almost anywhere in the house." Is he a master electrician in addition to a chauffeur? Lucky guy...Besides, wouldn't walkie-talkies have been easier?
  • Karen calls her mom & stepdad's house "the little house." Bet they luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv that.
  • Karen has reading glasses and regular glasses? At 7?
  • I realize these girls are really only kids, but they never fucking call the parents (of their sitting charges) out for being dickholes.
  • Oh, it's so sad. Nannie feels pushed out...Watch me...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
  • [That was me getting bored and falling asleep.]
  • Nannie winds up with kickass apartment for a few weeks. But she gives up a beautiful place of her own to take care of somebody else's kids, don't worry.
  • They apparently never told any clients about the "more than one sitter for more than three kids" rule. Why doesn't that really shock me?
  • In fact, they don't even tell Mrs. Marshall the rule when they have the opportunity. Dumbasses.
  • Karen has a "meltdown." And acts like a 14-year-old. You know, sulky, emo-style. But she's only 7. They grow up so fast.
  • Wait, Kristy has to pay for her own school lunches? For real? Cause that's pretty low-rent, Daddy Watson-bucks.
  • "Good Cluck on Your Opening." Fuck. Ing. Lame.
  • Blah, happy ending.

How do you like them apples? By which, of course, I mean your breasts. Heh.

That's all for this week, kids.

PS-I'm a little loopy, so forgive me any spelling or grammars slips. Thanks...

Thursday, February 28, 2008


Update forthcoming. Keep your Daisy Dukes on.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I woke up with a mouthful of cat fur; or, BSC #79: Mary Anne Breaks the Rules

One. I got wicked sick last weekend. Hence, no post. Plus, I'm still nursing a bit of a broken heart, courtesy of the Super Bowl (ultra mega sad face).

Two. If my loyal readers sense a slightly less affectionate tone towards the books I've been blogging about lately, there is a reason. I don't feel even the slightest bit of nostalgia for these later books because I didn't read them when I was a kid. I've blogged most of the books I read when I was younger (with a few notable hard-to-find exceptions), so I'm pretty much reading stuff that I've never read before, and these books are pretty terrible when you're reading them for the first time as a full-fledged adult. They just are. So there.

So, on to the cover of this week's book:

That poor kid on the cover. Not only is he miserable, but he's pudgy and unathletic and he can't even snap his jacket properly. Plus, Mary Anne is totally dressed like a soccer mom. And she's neglecting the Kuhn daughters, cause she's hanging outside with the boys. Oops.

I also didn't know that "boyfriends and baby-sitting don't mix!" Especially since everyone makes a friggin' huge deal about how awesome it is that Logan baby-sits.

Is it plot-tastic? You decide...

Mary Anne's spending a lot time sitting for the recently-divorced Kuhn family (imagine that...she's got a lot of jobs with one family for this book only!), and Jake's all depressed. And MA decides that Jake needs a male in his life. A sporty male. So, without consulting Mrs. Kuhn (who's probably wanting a little male company as well...just sayin'), MA invites Logan to stop by and play with Jake. Play sports, sickos! And Jake's all happy, and he's getting better at sports, and he's getting a lot too attached to Bruno and there's a bunch of description of Jake & Logan being all sporty. Then, Mrs. Kuhn comes home early and finds Logan there. And Mary Anne, being a complete pussy, doesn't try to explain the situation (cause she thinks Mrs. Kuhn will think MA is criticizing her mothering or something--still not entirely sure why), and Logan's off like a shot. And then Mrs. Kuhn calls the BSC, and everyone's all pissed at MA (and she still doesn't fucking explain the situation). AND  they're all fucking paranoid that Mrs. Kuhn will call every parent in the 'Brook and no one will ever use the BSC again! But, of course, they're fucking retarded. And everything gets tied up with a neat little bow at the end.

Subplot-tastic? Not so much...A bunch of the kids decide to have a haunted house (oh, yeah, it's Halloween again somehow), but they get in a tussle about whether it should be funny or gross/scary. So, they have competing ones, and the BSC are only marginally involved. Oh, and it's wicked boring.

Some light reading...

  • There was almost another subplot...Jessi thinks Logan should take up ballet.
  • This book starts with Mary Anne waking up from a dream. Doesn't that happen in a couple of hers?
  • Heh...Mary Anne's all psyched cause "I was caught up with my homework, not one person was mad at me, my boyfriend and I were getting along great, my family was happy, and the Baby-sitters Club was not overwhelmed with work." Wow, she has really high standards...And how many people are normally mad at her? Seriously?
  • "I had picked out my clothes the night before: a brand-new pair of rust-colored corduroy slacks, a blue button-down shirt, and a floral-patterned white cotton sweater. That's my look--Neat Preppy Casual--and I love it." Um, she's a total soccer mom!!!! That sounds like something my mom would wear.
  • Ah, joking around at breakfast. "The Schafer/Spier Morning Comedy Hour." Bitch should hear some of the comedy between me and RNL at breakfast. It might make her blush...
  • Wow, deep Stacey contributes this jewel of wisdom...You never totally get over your parents' divorce. Especially not after like, two months...[shaking head sadly]
  • Ha! Logan's about to strip for the ladies!!! But they get all shy and stop him. Damn shame. Nothing hotter than a 13-year-old boy's bare chest.
  • Kristy attacks Alan Gray at school, and he gets in trouble. The fuck?
  • Shannon wants to take sackbut lessons. And they're way more mature about it than I would've been...
  • It's EXTREEEEEEEEEEME happiness.
  • I thought Patsy Kuhn was way younger than five...I can't keep all these fucking kids straight.
  • Jake "insults" Buddy Barrett by calling him "Cruddy Carrot," and Cruddy, in turn calls Jake "Fake Prune." Yeah...
  • Oh, Stacey..."Stacey was wearing this stunning black double-breasted tuxedo-style suit with a satiny white tank underneath." Yeah, she and Robert had gone to Chez Pierre. And she looked ass.
  • All these bitches tell terrible stories.
  • Jake doesn't even ask his mom if he can have the haunted house. These kids never ask their fucking parents, and their parents never tell them no! The hell?
  • This book was really fucking boring.
  • MA thinks she's "become the great embarrassment of the Baby-sitters Club." Trust me, there's plenty for all the girls to be embarrassed about. Just saying.
  • Why do these girls insist on creating acronyms for everything? Did they go to library school or something?
  • "Having a club doesn't mean anything if we don't support each other?" Wow, Jessi, that borders on deep...
  • Mrs. Arnold calls for an emergency sitter cause she lost one of her contacts and has to get it replaced. Doesn't she have glasses?
  • Carolyn imitates a chicken by saying "buck-buck-buck," and all I could hear was

    [Fuckin' stooges already pulled the video from was GOB's chicken dance from Arrested Development...]

  • Groit. Is it a disease? Or an Australian saying great? The world will never know...
  • Logan freaks out cause MA talks about him using makeup! As part of a zombie costume! What if somebody hears?!?!?
  • Alan Gray helps out with one of the haunted houses...Cause he likes to help children. Or something...

Well, that's that. This book was really, really lame. And dull. There wasn't even that much to mock...