BSC Headquarters

Another link!

2010-04-06T12:29:00.002-05:00

Yours truly:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/05/AR2010040504450.html

Teeny update!

2010-03-31T15:39:00.005-05:00

So, they're rereleasing the BSC books, right? And THEY'RE NOT CHANGING THE CLOTHES! Sure, they're updating the technology and talking about ipods instead of walkmans and adding a bunch of references to cell phones (or so I hear), but there will still be famous cities skirts and ice cream cone style roll down socks! And lobster earrings! And suspenders! I guess that now that 80s fashions have come around again (and again) (and again), the pubs think it's just fine to have a book full of horrible style! Yay!

(Again, this is all rumor-ish. I have a "source" that gave me this info; it's not first hand.)

I'm still super busy, but I miss blogging, so I'm in the idea stage of a project that might bring me back...No promises, but I have some ideas...

Another fun link!

2010-01-05T10:05:00.001-05:00

http://jezebel.com/5438760/explanations-breaks-and-personality-makeovers-a-baby+sitters-club-revamp-wish-list/gallery/

I'm not officially back, but I thought I'd share this anyway...

2009-12-30T14:50:00.001-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/31/books/31babysitters.html?_r=3&hpw

Also:

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/09/06/nyregion/20090906-reading-ss_6.html

Update-y type thing

2008-04-12T08:59:00.002-05:00

mocena, you need to get in touch with me to claim your prize...

subject_drop@yahoo.com

Also, I was going to do an update, but I don't have it in me. I'm taking an indefinite hiatus, for personal reasons.

Thank you all for reading, and I hope to someday return to this project (or something similar). If you're interested in knowing when I do, send an email to the above email address with the subject line "Mailing list."

Laters.

Time to Dance

2008-03-16T18:21:00.003-05:00

That's right, kids. It's bracket time!!!!! For those of you who don't know, the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament is upon us. And I have decided to start a bracket for the Claudia's Room crew. The winner will get a prize, though I'm not sure what it is yet. (If I win, the runner up will get the prize. And roommates are not eligible for the prize, RNL. Sorry.) So, here's the deal:

You are invited to participate in The New York Times N.C.A.A. Men's basketball Bracket Tournament. To join my group and fill out your bracket, go to the link below and enter the group code.

http://q8.nytimes.com/pages/sports/ncaabasketball/bracket/men/index.html

Group Code: 9938e295712IfT21PhvqSQ2FPDtw3NUUGog

You have until Thursday, March 20, at 11:30 AM ET to enter and save your picks.

Now, if you're not familiar with filling out a bracket, it's simple. You go through and pick winners for each of the matches of each of the rounds of the tournament. You get points for picking winners (the points increase as you move through the rounds). The person with the highest score at the end of the tournament wins. You have until the tournament starts to make your choices (and your changes). You make your picks for the entire tournament before it starts. So, if all your picks lose in the first round, you're done.

[I'm not sure if you have to have a NYTimes login to play. If you don't it's quick to sign up, and pretty painless and totally worth it to join my bracket.]

So, if you're into it, join the bracket! If college basketball's not your thing, I'm posting again this week, hopefully, before the tournament starts.

Go Pitt! Big East Champs! Hell yeah!

PS-I show up as uglygreen on the bracket.

Even when you live in a mansion, your car can get stuck; or, BSC #81: Kristy and Mr. Mom

2008-02-29T22:27:00.000-05:00

Alright folks...Here's the deal. I'm wicked busy these days, and I have a lot of personal shit going on...Soooooo, posting will continue to be a bit irregular (and no stupid yogurt will help, nor will Yaz) for a while...And, not to be a dick, but I believe I said things would probably be spotty...[Multiple menstrual innuendos in the first paragraph! I'm so proud!] However, I will try to post every other week or so...I do have an RSS feed, so try that instead of checking back every hour...

Oooh, and keep your eyes peeled mid-March, cause I'm going to try to set up a Claudia's Room March Madness bracket! 'Cause I love me some college basketball, no snarkiness at all.

Okay, this is another cover that actually shows shit that happens in the book...

No, David Michael hasn't joined a Rooster Cult; he's in a play (The Brememtown Musicians) and he has a totally lame costume.

Is Watson really that fat? I always pictured him as bald and kinda lanky...I think I recall that from an illustration from one of the Super Specials.

And why does Emily's jumpsuit have color-coordinated shin guards? Cause bitch totally stole that look from me.

Pa-pa-pa-plot!

Watson has a heart attack, then decides to take some time off work, and Nannie moves out cause she thinks they don't want or need her around anymore. But things get crazy, and then Nannie moves back in, and Watson works from home 3 hours a day and everything is all better.

S-s-s-s-s-subplot: Mrs. Marshall is a fucking bitch cow hag. She keeps hiring one sitter than springing another three kids on her (bringing the grand total to FIVE FUCKING YOUNG CHILDREN FOR ONE SITTER). When the girls start bringing help in the form of another BSCer, Mrs. Hag gets pissy and refuses to pay for two sitters. And she not once doubts the wisdom of leaving five kids with an 11-year-old. Finally, things blow up and Stacey refuses to sit for them when Mrs. Bitch Cow [that's totally a "word," RNL. Whatever, I'll make it up if I want!] pulls that shit again. Then Kristy finally confronts her and tra-la-la happy fucking ending.

The finer points:

Watson. My good man. Try using a shovel if the car is stuck. Before you try to push. Just saying this as someone who got plowed into a few New England parking lots and driveways...
And the "Karen" for Most Specific Job Description Ever in a BSC Book goes to...Watson Brewer! CEO of Unity Insurance in Stamford! You can give your acceptance speech when you get out of the hospital!
Kristy is "nuts" about her grandmother. Which just seems...like an odd way to describe a familial relationship.
I hate fake gossip. I don't care about Sabrina Bouvier. And at this point, ghostwriter, you're just showing off. "Oh, look at me! I've read other BSC books before writing one!"
The only outfit (other than David Michael's costume): "This winter Claud's been into hats. She buys old hats in thrift stores and covers them in sequins, buttons, and really outrageous feathers. Usually she wears them with one of her super trendy outfits, like a red long underwear shirt with tiny black-and-white polka dot suspenders, pinstripe trousers, and ruby sequined slippers." When was that super trendy? And how the fuck would Kristy "Queen of the Sweatshirts" know what was super trendy. Super trendy. Say it, it's fun!
"Luv with a capital L." More like lame withe a capital F-U-C-K-I-N-G.
Kristy doesn't go in for all that "goopy stuff." Ew, she's so dirty...
Did you know that you can't like reading, knitting AND sports? I certainly didn't...Now, which one of these am I going to have to give up?
Aw, Logan "manages to charm everyone with his Kentucky accent." I might know somebody like that...[Ahem. Speaking of Kentucky accents, I had an apartment full of Kentucky boys last weekend, and I don't think one of them liked to babysit. Shocking.]
I really have no desire to read that super special with the weddings...It's referenced in this book, and it doesn't sound amusing. AT ALL.
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE DAMN TOILET MONSTER! FUCK!!!!!!
Aw, Kristy calls Watson her father. And, like, saves his life or something.
Can they really hold the school bus for a kid to run back inside? I think all my bus drivers would've been all "He-ELL no!"
This book apparently ran so low on plot that they summarized like five other BSC books in passing.
The no one ever ages in these books phenomenon even extends to Dawn's six months in Cali; the kids haven't aged a day in six months. Literally.
Ever noticed how many parents in the 'Brook are so desperate to get away from their kids they leave them in less than safe situations?
Has Eleanor Marshall always said a w instead of an r? "Tweasure," for example. Cause it's more nauseating than cute.
Also, did the BSC really never ask how many kids they'd be sitting for? I kinda recall it in the past. And they don't have a per child rate? That doesn't seem like smart business...
Ah, "QRU. Call for Help. Rescue Rangers. Alert! And Emergency Room." Remember in the 90s, when there were 30 million medical dramas? Good times.
These people make banners for every single thing that ever happens...I need to start doing that. Oh, wait. No, I really fucking don't.
Claymate? Oh, a Claymate! No, I don't think that's right either...Maybe they mean Play-Doh?
"Charlie had installed an intercom system to let Watson call almost anywhere in the house." Is he a master electrician in addition to a chauffeur? Lucky guy...Besides, wouldn't walkie-talkies have been easier?
Karen calls her mom & stepdad's house "the little house." Bet they luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv that.
Karen has reading glasses and regular glasses? At 7?
I realize these girls are really only kids, but they never fucking call the parents (of their sitting charges) out for being dickholes.
Oh, it's so sad. Nannie feels pushed out...Watch me...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
[That was me getting bored and falling asleep.]
Nannie winds up with kickass apartment for a few weeks. But she gives up a beautiful place of her own to take care of somebody else's kids, don't worry.
They apparently never told any clients about the "more than one sitter for more than three kids" rule. Why doesn't that really shock me?
In fact, they don't even tell Mrs. Marshall the rule when they have the opportunity. Dumbasses.
Karen has a "meltdown." And acts like a 14-year-old. You know, sulky, emo-style. But she's only 7. They grow up so fast.
Wait, Kristy has to pay for her own school lunches? For real? Cause that's pretty low-rent, Daddy Watson-bucks.
"Good Cluck on Your Opening." Fuck. Ing. Lame.
Blah, happy ending.

How do you like them apples? By which, of course, I mean your breasts. Heh.

That's all for this week, kids.

PS-I'm a little loopy, so forgive me any spelling or grammars slips. Thanks...

Blah

2008-02-28T22:13:00.002-05:00

Update forthcoming. Keep your Daisy Dukes on.

I woke up with a mouthful of cat fur; or, BSC #79: Mary Anne Breaks the Rules

2008-02-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

One. I got wicked sick last weekend. Hence, no post. Plus, I'm still nursing a bit of a broken heart, courtesy of the Super Bowl (ultra mega sad face).

Two. If my loyal readers sense a slightly less affectionate tone towards the books I've been blogging about lately, there is a reason. I don't feel even the slightest bit of nostalgia for these later books because I didn't read them when I was a kid. I've blogged most of the books I read when I was younger (with a few notable hard-to-find exceptions), so I'm pretty much reading stuff that I've never read before, and these books are pretty terrible when you're reading them for the first time as a full-fledged adult. They just are. So there.

So, on to the cover of this week's book:

That poor kid on the cover. Not only is he miserable, but he's pudgy and unathletic and he can't even snap his jacket properly. Plus, Mary Anne is totally dressed like a soccer mom. And she's neglecting the Kuhn daughters, cause she's hanging outside with the boys. Oops.

I also didn't know that "boyfriends and baby-sitting don't mix!" Especially since everyone makes a friggin' huge deal about how awesome it is that Logan baby-sits.

Is it plot-tastic? You decide...

Mary Anne's spending a lot time sitting for the recently-divorced Kuhn family (imagine that...she's got a lot of jobs with one family for this book only!), and Jake's all depressed. And MA decides that Jake needs a male in his life. A sporty male. So, without consulting Mrs. Kuhn (who's probably wanting a little male company as well...just sayin'), MA invites Logan to stop by and play with Jake. Play sports, sickos! And Jake's all happy, and he's getting better at sports, and he's getting a lot too attached to Bruno and there's a bunch of description of Jake & Logan being all sporty. Then, Mrs. Kuhn comes home early and finds Logan there. And Mary Anne, being a complete pussy, doesn't try to explain the situation (cause she thinks Mrs. Kuhn will think MA is criticizing her mothering or something--still not entirely sure why), and Logan's off like a shot. And then Mrs. Kuhn calls the BSC, and everyone's all pissed at MA (and she still doesn't fucking explain the situation). AND they're all fucking paranoid that Mrs. Kuhn will call every parent in the 'Brook and no one will ever use the BSC again! But, of course, they're fucking retarded. And everything gets tied up with a neat little bow at the end.

Subplot-tastic? Not so much...A bunch of the kids decide to have a haunted house (oh, yeah, it's Halloween again somehow), but they get in a tussle about whether it should be funny or gross/scary. So, they have competing ones, and the BSC are only marginally involved. Oh, and it's wicked boring.

Some light reading...

There was almost another subplot...Jessi thinks Logan should take up ballet.
This book starts with Mary Anne waking up from a dream. Doesn't that happen in a couple of hers?
Heh...Mary Anne's all psyched cause "I was caught up with my homework, not one person was mad at me, my boyfriend and I were getting along great, my family was happy, and the Baby-sitters Club was not overwhelmed with work." Wow, she has really high standards...And how many people are normally mad at her? Seriously?
"I had picked out my clothes the night before: a brand-new pair of rust-colored corduroy slacks, a blue button-down shirt, and a floral-patterned white cotton sweater. That's my look--Neat Preppy Casual--and I love it." Um, she's a total soccer mom!!!! That sounds like something my mom would wear.
Ah, joking around at breakfast. "The Schafer/Spier Morning Comedy Hour." Bitch should hear some of the comedy between me and RNL at breakfast. It might make her blush...
Wow, deep Stacey contributes this jewel of wisdom...You never totally get over your parents' divorce. Especially not after like, two months...[shaking head sadly]
Ha! Logan's about to strip for the ladies!!! But they get all shy and stop him. Damn shame. Nothing hotter than a 13-year-old boy's bare chest.
Kristy attacks Alan Gray at school, and he gets in trouble. The fuck?
Shannon wants to take sackbut lessons. And they're way more mature about it than I would've been...
It's EXTREEEEEEEEEEME happiness.
I thought Patsy Kuhn was way younger than five...I can't keep all these fucking kids straight.
Jake "insults" Buddy Barrett by calling him "Cruddy Carrot," and Cruddy, in turn calls Jake "Fake Prune." Yeah...
Oh, Stacey..."Stacey was wearing this stunning black double-breasted tuxedo-style suit with a satiny white tank underneath." Yeah, she and Robert had gone to Chez Pierre. And she looked ass.
All these bitches tell terrible stories.
Jake doesn't even ask his mom if he can have the haunted house. These kids never ask their fucking parents, and their parents never tell them no! The hell?
This book was really fucking boring.
MA thinks she's "become the great embarrassment of the Baby-sitters Club." Trust me, there's plenty for all the girls to be embarrassed about. Just saying.
Why do these girls insist on creating acronyms for everything? Did they go to library school or something?
"Having a club doesn't mean anything if we don't support each other?" Wow, Jessi, that borders on deep...
Mrs. Arnold calls for an emergency sitter cause she lost one of her contacts and has to get it replaced. Doesn't she have glasses?
Carolyn imitates a chicken by saying "buck-buck-buck," and all I could hear was

[Fuckin' stooges already pulled the video from youtube...it was GOB's chicken dance from Arrested Development...]
Groit. Is it a disease? Or an Australian saying great? The world will never know...
Logan freaks out cause MA talks about him using makeup! As part of a zombie costume! What if somebody hears?!?!?
Alan Gray helps out with one of the haunted houses...Cause he likes to help children. Or something...

Well, that's that. This book was really, really lame. And dull. There wasn't even that much to mock...

I like studying. And I like earning good grades; or, BSC #108: Don't Give Up, Mallory

2008-01-23T21:18:00.000-05:00

Please, Mal. Give up.

Y'all better worship me for this. I could be watching Futurama with RNL, but nooooo. I'm sitting in front of my rad computer writing about the nerdiest retard in all the land: Mal.

Ah, the cover...Mal's teacher looks a bit like my 6th grade teacher, Mr. Fox. Yeah, and all the girls thought he was dreamy. Not just a clever name...

Also, the boys on the cover actually look vaguely age appropriate...sort of. I would've thought they were younger than 6th grade, but at least they don't look like they shave daily.

This book tries to shove three separate plot lines into 150 pages. It does not succeed.

"Plot" number 1: There's this whole thing about "Short Takes" classes. Apparently, "for several weeks at a time, everybody at SMS studies one subject intensively. It's usually a subject that regular classes don't cover." Right. So, this time around, everybody's studying kiddie lit. [Mainly so ANM can spew forth some bullshit in her little letter at the end of the book.] And Mal's wicked psyched cause she loves children's books. Seriously, it's mentioned in every fucking book in the damn series. And she's also psyched cause her teacher is going to be this hip young stud named Damien Cobb...I shit you not. Anyway, the class turns out to be a real bummer, cause Damien's favors the rowdy boys, and Mal isn't comfortable with a discussion style class. Or some shit like that. Finally, she confronts him and wins the day!!!!

"Plot" number 2: The entire 6th grade class does a week's worth of fundraising to raise money for some sort of gift to the school. Mal's in charge, and she sets up this whole FUN-raiser (I'm not making that shit up.) and there's going to be a different money-maker every day (every previous year, it was a week-long candy sale). And she finds out that a class a few years back had donated a grand to create a student lounge in the library, but it never happened. Blah, blah, blah, fake drama. Turns out the school had to use the $$$ to make some necessary repairs. And everyone's all outraged, cause the roof got fixed instead getting a new lounge. So, the 6th grade officers stand up to the principal, and they get him to agree to match funds. Typing this is boring me. You get the idea. They make enough money. I don't think I've read any book after this before, so I don't know if it ever materializes.

"Plot" number 3: Seriously. Sucks. Ass. Um, Buddy Barrett makes up a marching band so he can march in the Memorial Day parade. And instead of getting in trouble for making shit up, the BSC decides to put together a makeshift marching band for 50 million childrens. And they make instruments, but it sounds terrible, so they decide to hide kazoos in all the fake instruments. And the parade is a mess, cause there are too many kids and the parents are all irresponsible. And for once, the BSC bites off more than they can chew. Woo. Fucking. Hoo.

Now, for the fun(?) stuff...

Mal doesn't want to brag. But she does anyway. She's an excellent student. And she fucking loves to study. And write papers. And do homework. And she'll never get laid.
Mal's the only person to get straight A's on her midterm eval. And everyone's freaking out cause she's a braniac or something.
I have never heard the expression stair-step kids. I guess it means far too many children born too close together. Or, "We don't know how to use a fucking condom."
This book should totally have been called "Mallory Pike, Miss Know-it-all."
Has Justin and "his 'cutest boy in sixth grade' grin" ever made an appearance before?
"I knew that I had only a few more seconds before I would be tardy." Too late, already tard-y.
"When I went home that Friday afternoon, I wasn't walking--I was floating." And spewing forth terrible, terrible cliches.
Seriously, I can't include every example of Mal's nerdiful dorkitude.
Why would you think that "such a powerhouse person would be tall?" Ever heard of the Napoleon Complex? I got one.
Ah. The "best thing about [Logan] is he likes to baby-sit." Poor guy must not have much going for him then.
Pretzels and Cheez Whiz. Yum? Doubt it.
Claudia "was wearing denim overall shorts, a short black T-shirt, red-and-white pin-striped stockings that came over the top of her knees, red thick-soled patent leather shoes, and a black felt derby." I can't believe I'm going to say this, but this outfit almost works. Of course I could just be distracted by the shoes, cause WANT!!!!
I really need to read the book where they shove Claud back to grade 7. Because it all seems incredibly implausible. Would any school really send someone backwards in the middle of the year? Why not just hold the bitch back????
"Abby, the athlete, can usually be found in bike shorts, and a T-shirt, whereas Anna, the musician, would more likely wear a dress." Ah, yes. Because you can't be sporty and dress well, and you can't dress comfortably or be moderately hip if you're a musician.
Have we ever met Megan Armstrong, the Korean girl, before?
You want to know about Damien? Here: "Our Short Takes teacher stood at the front of the classroom. He was dressed in a collarless white shirt, jeans, and a black vest. His sun-streaked hair looked great with his deep tan and gleaming white teeth. Was he cool? Totally." Not.
So, when Mal finds out her class will be discussion based, her "stomach sank. This was starting to sound more like a debate class than a literature class." Just wait until you get to college, sweetie.
Maybe he's not calling on you cause he can tell you're a dork with no imagination. Just an idea.
"Claudia wore shorts and a rainbow tie-dyed T-shirt. Her hair was pulled into a thick pony-tail held by a matching tie-dyed scrunchie." Soooo much tie-dye. It hurts. Also, I totally saw Claudia on my way to a Wizards game the other day! Asian-American, side ponytail, terrible clothes. Amazing.
Also, no one ever asks the parents before setting up the "marching band."
Good sitting involves tricking the kids into doing what you want. I had forgotten about that.
They make up names for the fucking cardboard instruments. Names like "google-blaster" and "snorkaphone."
Um, can the class secretary really decide on a class activity while keeping it secret from the rest of the officers? Don't think so.
Oh, yeah. Mr. Cobb went to Princeton. As he keeps reminding us...
Oh, and there's this whole Women's Studies 101 thing about one of the class officers acting all meek and wimpy around the boys so they won't think she's too aggressive. Yep, that's about the age girls start playing dumb for the boys.
Mal thinks boys might be more confident because they have it easier.
Vodka and Canada Dry Bitter Lemon = awesome! [Not actually in the book, but in my tummy!]
Dude, if you can't talk to your friends, you're in big fucking trouble. I recommend therapy. It's fun!
Are there any meetings that aren't "emergency meetings" in the 'Brook?
Two grand won't go very far in building (or furnishing) (or decorating) a student lounge.
Yeah, Sandra's kinda right. Boys won't like her if she acts like a brain. Just ask Pelle Carlberg.
"Pile on Stacey!" Ah, BSC lezzie action.
Gawd. Notebook entries are wicked boring.
Do they really need to mention that Norman is a fattie every time he shows up?
Okay, I think the ZuZu's Petals (a flower shop in Stoneybrook) name drop is prolly a shout out to the lame-o It's a Wonderful Life, but I got all excited, like, "Isn't that Wife-y Westerberg's name?" Cause I've been obsessed with Paul Westerberg since right around the time I gave up on these books.
The class discussions are "so one-sided. Boy-sided." Oh, Mal, you're so clever. Good one, Dave. You're a legend, Dave. [Sorry, I'm kind of a lot obsessed with Flight of the Conchords right now. And listening to them. Right now.]
Sandra is complaining cause her feet hurt. Cause she's wearing chunky two-inch heels. In sixth grade. Also, those don't sound too bad. It's not like these crazy stilettos.
Mr. Cobb's a dick. And he went to Princeton!
I think Mr. Kingbridge (that's the SMS principal) has been watching the beginning of Say Anything too much. You know, "Hey world, check ME out." Well, he's all "Yes, we can! Just watch us!"
The parents just leave their kids for the parade without checking to see if anyone is there to watch them. They are BAD, BAD parents. Shame!
I think Mal's already been indoctrinated by ALA. She's all "the balance between boy books and girl books."
So, so sad. Mal's first B.

Yeah, this book was so fucking bad, I had to break it up into two nights. And drink. Mmm. Delicious drink.

Algebra is so balanced and logical; or, BSC #76: Stacey's Lie.

2008-01-13T16:57:00.000-05:00

First of all this book should totally have been called "Stacey is a Selfish Fucking Cow." Now, I know she's usually selfish and inconsiderate in general, but this book positively revels in her assitude.

To the cover!

Yeah, this kind of thing had nothing to do with my ridiculous expectations of teenage boys. Not at all. (To be fair, I didn't read this way back when, but it is exemplary of romance in the BSC. Just sayin'.) Also, it's another case of the little cover blurb having very little to do with anything. The book is mostly about Miss McGill being an asshat to her alleged best friend, Miss Claudia Kishi. Sure, she's keeping secrets and lying and acting all around shitty to everyone she's ever known, except Mr. Perfect Boyfriend. So, yeah. It should have been "How many people will she hurt?" or something to that effect.

Let me explain. Yep, it's another overly complicated plot in which not much actually happens. And, in some kind of miracle, someone (actually two someones!) in the BSC goes on a vacation and doesn't do a single minute of babysitting!!!!!!!!!! And the BSC takes a week off!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!!! First of all, in a feat bypassing years and buckets of labor laws, Stacey's boy-toy Robert gets a job working on the Fire Island Ferry (I almost wrote "Fairy" because I am terribly, terribly mature. And I still think of Fire Island as almost as gay as P-town.) So, they won't be able so spend any time together over the summer. Sad face. But then, Stacey's dad wants to take her on a two-week vacation, to her destination of choice. So, instead of cashing in and going someplace cool or exciting or different that she might not ever have a chance to see otherwise, she decides to go to Fire Island so she can scam time with her boy. Yep. And her dad lets her invite Claudia, who is wicked psyched about it. So, the trip commences, and she doesn't tell Claud or Dad about Robert being there. Stacey gets up early to walk Robert to work ON THE FIRST FUCKING FERRY OF THE DAY. Then she meets him every time he has a break. And drags poor Claudia along. ("Legend, the legend, the thiiiiird-wheel legend." All book long. Seriously.) And then things get messy with Claud and Stace, especially when Stacey starts cutting her time with Claud short and abandoning her to roll with Robert. Yep. Oh, and then Stacey and Robert, while on a romantic nighttime walk on the beach, run into Mr. McGill and his new paramour while they're on a romantic nighttime beach stroll. And Stacey throws a fit that her dad lied. Because she is a fucking hypocrite. Oh, and Robert dumps her at one point because he wonders when she'll start lying to him like she does to everyone else. Heh. Oh, and because the parents in these books are certifiable, the rest of the BSC (well, minus the junior officers, of course) come out to Fire Island to celebrate the Fourth of July. And they all hate Stacey, too!!! Finally!!! But Stacey and Claudia make up at the end of the book. Boo.

Oh, and there's this uber-lame subplot. Haley Braddock and Vanessa Pike have a huge fucking fight because they both got the same bathing suit. Yawn.

The finer points:

[I also kept singing "Pretty Deep" by Tanya Donelly while reading this book. Look up the lyrics, you'll understand.]
There's this weird thing at the beginning with Stacey's mom making dinner, when she "picked up her favorite knife and started slicing the skin off the chicken." Yum. At least she's wearing a "cream-colored silk shirt and matching slacks [and] a purple-and-gold-striped apron." I can't say I have a favorite knife. I like to be an equal-opportunity cutlery user. Or something.
Here we go: "The next morning I got up, pulled on a pair of blue tights, black canvas walking shorts, a long-sleeved, blue T-shirt, and a pair of black flats. I piled my blonde perm up on top of my head and fastened it with a blue stretchie tie." But wait! After looking out the window, "I ripped the stretchie [Fucking a, ghostwriter, they're scrunchies. Duh.] from my hair and let the curls fall around my shoulders. I took off my clothes [oooooooh!] and changed into my new one-piece shorts dress [WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHORTS DRESS?!?!?!?] with the gold,red and green Aztec-style print. I slipped into a pair of light tan woven flats and I was set to go." Both outfits are giving me the twitches.
Robert the Boyfriend "isn't exactly model-gorgeous like, say, Jason Priestly, but to me his is simply adorable...His smile just finishes me. It makes me melt, completely." Um. Okay. It finishes her, does it? Sounds vaguely dirty to me. Only vaguely. But still.
Damn! She blew her savings on a marble chess set with pieces shaped like Civil War soldiers for her dad's Father's Day gift.
Stacey's dad to Stacey: "How would you like to go buy yourself a pretty summery something to wear to dinner tonight? I'll take you to the Lion's Lair." Tiff, to herself: "Is she his daughter or his mistress?"
[Also, I don't think it's a real place.]
Oh, Stacey. "After an hour or so of looking around, I settled on this super cute flowing pants outfit in a sunflower print against a navy blue background. It had a high waist, cap sleeves, and a scoop neck, and the pants were long and full." It sounds...[gawd, I hate quoting Michael Stupid Kors] very mother-of-the-bride.
While fantasizing about going to Paris, she sees herself wearing "a great red beret with something super stylish." That's specific. She decides to save Europe for later, perhaps her honeymoon with Robert. Yup. She needs help.
Oh, they go to Davis Park on Fire Island. Which, breaking pattern, is a real place.
Some comic relief! "Claudia knows how to personalize a look. She'll combine clothing in a way you might think would be disastrous and instead of disaster she ends up with perfection. [Wow, that sentence is awkward.] For example, today she was wearing a long, black, crocheted vest that fell to her knees over a pair of black shorts and a white blouse with ruffles at the collar and cuffs. Her hair was in two long braids tied with black and white ribbons at the ends. On her feet were black sandals with a thick platform sole and white ribbons which laced around her ankles...The outfit might sound crazy, but it looked great." If I hear that one more time, I might start to believe it. Wait, no I fucking won't. It looks terrible!!!!!
Claud (and her parents) get less than a week's notice about the trip. And no one thinks that's odd.
"Oh, did I say that Jessi is African-American? Well, she is." So, so nonchalant. So classy.
Stacey is just positive that Mal will be a knockout one of these days. I, for one, am not convinced. Also, Stacey is monumentally fucking condescending. In addition to being a bitch. And a liar.
What kind of community center pays two eleven-year-olds to be counselors?
Mmmm, falafel.
Are there really no cars in Davis Park?
OOOOH, DRAMA! Claud finds out that Robert's there on the ferry! Drama on the first fucking day! Woo!
How is an eleven-year-old getting a paycheck? How could they get working papers? The fuck????
Ah, easily "resolved" fights.
Meeting Robert before he has to report to the first ferry [It is entirely too hard not to type "fairy."] "What a great way to start the day!" Ass early. Which is when I get up, and I it's all I can do to make it out the door fully dressed and with all necessary keys.
There's this whole thing about how Mr. McGill is always hanging out with his friend, Mr. Majors. Holy shit, did I want them to be gay for each other.
Claudia winds up spending tons of time by herself working on photography projects and sitting at a pizzeria. Her best friend sucks. Ha ha, mine doesn't!
Claud totally calls her on it! "But it feels as if you're just killing time with me until you can see Robert again. And that's not a great feeling." But bitchy Stacey doesn't change her evil ways.
Claud about Mr. McGill: "He sure loves Mr. Majors." Heee. So, so gay for each other!!!!
Ah, early 90s fashion that is clawing its ugly way into the present: "I pulled on a pair of green leggings and a sleeveless denim top. Claudia wore a pair of wild tie-dyed leggings and an over-sized T-shirt she'd designed and silk-screened herself. She'd painted a flock of birds flying diagonally across it." Okay, so maybe it's not entirely trendy now, but it's pretty damned close.
Can teenagers eat at the restaurant in the Casino?
Wow, Robert's crazy about Stacey. And she thought he just like-liked her.
Also, there's a bunch of shit in this book about the technological miracle of the fax machine. I fucking hate faxing. Just set it up so I can email it. Bitches.
"I was there in time to see the boat pull into the dock. Robert spotted me from the upper deck and waved. I waved back. (It was so romantic. I thought about long ago days, and sailors coming home from the sea. I imagined myself as Robert's true love, waiting on the dock to greet him. I could easily picture myself in a long white skirt, with ribbons in my hair.)" So...lame...it...hurts. Also, way to romanticize a situation that didn't always end so happily. Ever heard of a widow's walk, sweetheart?
What kind of adult offers to take a couple of thirteen-year-olds (sans parents) on a romantic evening sail? Asking for trouble.
Stacey's big romantic sail outfit? A "white and blue sundress with a dropped waist and square sailor collar." Cause she's starting kindergarten soon.
Mr. McGill is going to a party at Stu Majors's house, and he looks all guilty after talking to "Stu" on the phone. Soooo. Gaaaaaaay.
Hee! I used to love Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.
Haley makes up really violent anti-Vanessa signs. And Mary Anne doesn't stop her. The hell? Then she lets her hang one of the signs on the Pikes' fence.
"I wondered if I was to blame for what happened with Claudia. [YES!] I was only trying to keep her happy by spending time with her. [Spending time thinking about being somewhere else.] It wasn't my fault everything had gone wrong. [Actually, it is.] I hadn't meant to hurt her feelings. [Well, it's all okay then, isn't it?] I'd cared about her feelings. That's why I was in this mess to being with." No, hon, you're in this mess because you are a selfish little twat.
When we met Mr. McGill's lady friend, Samantha, my first thought was "Damn, it's a woman."
Good to know that Stace caught the liar gene from Daddy. But he's an adult, and he's your father. He can lie to you all he wants.
Stacey calls Claudia "pigheaded and selfish." Cough. POT. Cough. KETTLE. Cough. BLACK. Cough. Got that frog out of my throat.
So, Claud wants them all to be in this costume parade for the 4th. And she sticks Stacey with the "most ridiculous" costume: "That morning, Claudia had tossed a green dragon costume onto my bed. It was made out of her green jumpsuit. She'd taped triangular green spikes to the back, leading all the way down to a spiky tail made from Claudia's green scarf...blah blah blah." She had a green jumpsuit and didn't make a Dr. Rockzo costume? Criminal. Stacey finds wearing it humiliating. Of course. Heaven forbid she find a sense of humor.
I love when ANYONE in these books shows any common sense. Robert: "I think maybe we've been spending too much time together. We're kind of young, and maybe we should be seeing other people." YES!
Claud's showing (and selling) a bunch of her pix at a little gallery/shop in Davis Park. And all her pix have retarded titles, like "That's the Way The Castle Crumbles." (Oh, they're all of sand castles.)
Why would anyone ever think that Stacey was perfect?
There's a bunch of bullshit make-up talk. "Oh, I'll never fuck you over for a boy again!" "Oh, I overreacted to your being a megabitch!" Hugs! [Obviously, I'm paraphrasing.]
Stacey & Robert go on a double date with Dad & Samantha. Awkward much?
The book ends terribly. "And that's no lie!" SMACK!!!!!!

Phew.

Keep your panties on...

2008-01-08T21:37:00.000-05:00

Update forthcoming...I've been having some computer probs, and I have a very different schedule as of last week. So...I should have time this weekend to do an update. And I'm definitely thinking about the offers for books...And the feasibility of getting then or whatever...

And seriously, keep your panties on...You're nasty. Yeah. You can't do that here.

Happy birthday to me*; or, BSC Portrait Collection: Claudia's Book

2007-12-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

*It's not my birthday; that's a line from the book. Sorry for any confusion.

I don't even know where to start with this one...Maybe with the freaky little clowns on the cover.

Kinda giving me nightmares...and I'm not even asleep!

Yeah. This book doesn't really have a plot. At all. The idea is that Claud has to write her "autobiography" for school. So, she recalls a few choice anecdotes that are never otherwise mentioned. Like the time she spent at a special school in Stamford. Wait, what? Don't worry, I'll go back to that one.

So, I figure the easy way to do this one (because I am nothing if not lazy) (and self-deprecating), is to give you a brief summary of the different events that Claud covers.

Big event #1: The Kishis get another baby.

Don't worry, even Claud's not stupid enough to think she can remember being born. But Janine? She remembers A LOT. Especially given that she was only 3 1/2 when Claudia was born.

Lucky us, we get an anecdote about pre-school wonder-trio Claudia, Mary Anne and Kristy putting their hands in wet cement. Yay.

Big event #2: Claudia's sixth birthday "party" hits a speedbump.

So, Claudia liked kindergarten. [I hated kindergarten. But that's another story for another therapist.]

On the last day of said kindergarten [damn, I hate typing that word!], Claud distributes invitations to her upcoming (as in a few weeks away) sixth birthday party. It's going to be all circus themed. Or something. Only nobody RSVPs, AND the only people who show up are Mary Anne and Kristy. So Claud's all crying and heartbroken, so all the parents (and Mimi) and Mary Anne and Kristy all throw together a little surprise party to cheer up the wee artist.

Big event #3: Claudia loses a tooth (but finds the truth).

Circa second grade, Claud is scared to lose any teeth because she thinks that the Tooth Fairy is a monster that eats teeth (and even yanks 'em if she's really hungry). (Oh, and all the kids in 2nd grade are apparently obsessed with losing their teeth.) But the C-dawg falls or something and knocks one of her teeth loose and then she has to have the dentist pull it. And she catches her mom in the act of being the notorious T.O.O.T.H. And then Claud realizes that *SPOILER* [NOT REALLY] Santa and the Easter Bunny are also made up. And she feels all sad and grown up. Yeah.

Big event #4: Claudia IS the new girl!

So, after a decent year in third grade, Claud really starts to lose her shit, academically speaking, in fourth grade. Halfway through the year, she winds up transferring to a special school, the Stamford Alternative Academy, where she gets a lot of special attention, etc. And she really starts to do well in school, but she's crazy depressed and anti-social and does that BSC thing where she pre-dumps Kristy and Mary Anne rather than let them "outgrow" her or whatever. Finally, she gets so depressed that her parents let her go back to Stoneybrook Elementary School. And we all know how well that worked out for her.

Big event #5: Claudia goes to the beach. Seriously. (With the Thomases.)

So, the summer when the girls are eleven, Claudia joins the Thomas (post-Mr. Thomas, pre-Watson) family for a trip to the beach; Charlie and Sam are both playing on a baseball team that's in the playoffs or something. In this little bit, we learn that the Thomases don't have much money, and Kristy has to be really responsible. Or something. Oh, yeah, cause Kristy has to watch David Michael all the time. Blah.

So, that's the general picture. Now for the rants!

"But as usual, I'm jumping into the middle of things. I guess that's because I see things not as having a beginning and an end, but as a big picture spreading out all around me with me (of course) at the center." Seriously. That manages to sound both stupid and pretentious. Quite a feat.
"I'm smart, but, well, school and I (except for art and maybe phys ed) just don't agree." Me neither, actually.
"Because I also have, well, an appreciation for what some people call junk food. But then, some people call wonderful works of art junk, too, right? Even Nancy Drew books! It's all in how you look at it." Okay, I've never heard the high/low art dichotomy used as a pro-Twinkie argument before. Also, even if you love Nancy Drew books, you know they're not great works of art. Not that they have no value, or aren't enjoyable or well-made or whatever. But not "wonderful works of art." Heh. "Art junk."
Ah, yes, the notorious "fascinating parental fact." Sometimes, though, you just don't want to know. Trust me.
Yes, I'm sure that "being smart and laid-back and looking totally together is the result of all those sprouts and tofu!" Oh, wait, though. Dawn's not laid-back! Damn, there goes your sales pitch.
Apparently, Claudia knew what an art show was when she was young enough to draw all over the bathroom. Prescient!
Holy fucking retardedness, Batman! When she was in kindergarten, she drew a fucking butterfly as her self portrait. Proving once again that huffing while knocked up is a baaaaad idea, Mrs. Kishi.
Outfit! "An enormous shirt and patchwork vest over striped leggings." How edgy! How...exactly what she wears in every fucking book.
In a mighty presumptuous move, Claud titles her autobiography "An Artist's Life."
Dumb bitch can't even spell the name of the state where she's lived her entire life.
Well, duh. Of course you don't remember being born or being brought home from the hospital.
I always thought Mimi was a nickname, but, according to Claud's birth announcement, her name is Mimi Yamamoto. So, Claud calls her grandmother by her first name. Even as a kid. Kinda weird.
Heh. Toddler Janine has a mullet.
One of Claud's earliest memories is from when she was four and a half or five. Which seems kind of late, no? [Though I know jack shit about kiddie development, so I could be totally off.]
On the first day of kindergarten, Kristy "looked around the room, folded her arms, and said, 'Not bad.'" The fuck? How old was she when she started school? 30?
Ah, undiagnosed ADD. Excuse me, ADHD.
L'il Claud outfit! "I was wearing black tights and my tall black rainboots and my red jacket with the brass buttons. I had a T-shirt with a lion's head painted on the front and I wore that under the jacket. I thought it made me look like a lion tamer." Um, is she wearing any pants? Or just the tights? Sure, Nancy Sinatra and Edie Sedgwick could pull it off, but I'm not sure it's appropriate for a five-going-on-six-year-old.
Janine, on the other hand, was wearing "a [wait for it...] Laura Ashley flowered dress and white tights and flats." So, I'm totally trying to determine the rules for the BSC drinking game. And I think part of it should be "drink twice when someone wears Laura Ashley."
L'il Kristy's idea of "party clothes?" So glad you asked. "Kristy was wearing navy blue shorts with a matching camp shirt, white socks, and her best sneakers."
There's an elaborately contrived reason for no guests. Lame.
I don't remember everyone being obsessed with losing their baby teeth. It just happened. I enjoyed it personally, cause I'm a sick fuck.
The illustrations in this book totally fucked with me. First of all, Claud looks like a different kid in each picture. Then she looks younger when she's supposed to be older and vice fucking versa. Seriously. Weak.
Some more "clever" homemade devices for deterring intruders. Yay. Still not amusing when the "intruder" is a creepy fairy.
A 3rd grade teacher that wears "business suits?" Hmmmm...
Claud's 4th grade teacher is both black and southern. But I thought Jessi's fam were the only black people in town?!?!? And the Brunos were the only southerners!?!?! My world is falling apart, much like when Claud realized that the tooth fairy was her mom.
Claud gets tested for learning disabilities!!!! But I would've gotten a second opinion if they came back clear. Cause, not bright.
Okay, a couple of things really bothered me about the whole special school thing.

One, I would think Claudia would kind of like a school that didn't make her feel stupid all the time.
Two, she threw a teenage hissyfit about going to school, and she alienated all the kids and didn't even try to make friends.
Three, did she really think that the two girls across the street wouldn't have anything to say to her if they went to different schools?
And, finally, is it really better to go back to the school where you were doing terribly, have to spend all kinds of time outside of school getting tutors and getting extra attention, and still not do well? Wouldn't that be worse for her self-worth? And she couldn't be in the same classes as her friends as school progressed, so what good would being at the same school be? Lunch period? This whole interlude really bothered me.

Also, these girls talked EXACTLY the same at eight as they do at thirteen, and it's all ridiculous.
Claudia never like Mr. Thomas. How convenient.
I don't think I ever went away with another family when I was a kid, except with my extended family. I don't think that counts. But these girls are constantly travelling with other fams. Crazy, crazy parents.
Claud's the only one who thinks the hotel at the beach is run down. Ha ha, Kristy's family is poor. And Claud's a snob.
Also, Claud's acting like Kristy's all grown-up, taking care of David Michael. At eleven. Wait a minute...isn't that how old Mal and Jessi are?
Of course, the written autobiography inspires some lameass art project.

Wowza. That sucked Cartman's balls.

One more thing: Mary Anne is one fugly kid.

See ya after Christmas, suckas!

Uh-oh, am I getting mushy here?; or, BSC Mystery #9: Kristy and the Haunted Mansion

2007-12-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

Crap. Terrible. Horrible. Vile. An abomination. Worse than watching Zac Efron and Shia LeBoeuf getting the business. From each other. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you another "mystery" with absolutely no mystery. And awful writing. Aw, you missed me!

Is it just me, or does cover-Kristy have an unusual area? Seriously. From the waist down, that is a dude.

Also, where the hell did she get an oil lamp? And how are they standing in the rain but staying perfectly dry? Is it magic? Yeah.

Okay, so here's the deal. Bart and Kristy apparently joined baseball forces and created a mutant team: the Krashers (get it? A combination of the Krushers and the Bashers? Aren't they from Clever-Clever Land?), and said Krashers are playing against some team from some other town. They're all piled into a van, driven by Saint Charlie (aged 17), heading home from the game (which, described in some really boring words, they won) when they get caught in a terrible storm! Oh no! And they're lost! And then they can't turn around, cause some bridges wash out! And they see a house! And they decide to ask for a phone! And they interrupt a bunch of freakies doing the Time Warp! Oh, wait. I think that's the movie version. (P.S.-Kristy is Brad and Bart is Janet.) No, so they see this big "scary" house, and they go to the little cottage by the entrance. And a "creepy" old guy gives them, food blankets, and keys to the big house up the hill. But there are no phones. (Um, way to be all 1850s there, gramps.) And they spend the night there, despite rumors of the house being haunted. Or something. And they learn about a sad tale of a missing girl (Dorothy) and foiled romance and blah blah blah. And the rain clears up in the morning, and "they" fix the bridges (damn Illuminati!) and Kristy and Co. head on back to the 'Brook. Oh, and everyone was way worried about them. The end. Oh, wait, no it's not. They realize that the missing (presumed dead) girl from the house actually runs the sewing store in Stoneybrook. And they go to her to get the skinny. Turned out she wigged about eloping and wanted to be a free woman so she kind of faked her own death and traveled the world or whatever before settling a few miles from the heartbroken man who still pines after her from the caretaker's cottage at her father's old home. Yeah. See, no real mystery there.

Right-o!

Here's what I don't get...Why didn't they just park somewhere and sleep in the van. Sure, it would've been a little crowded, but still! Instead they stayed in a big empty house at the invite of a complete stranger.
Kristy thought the old guy was creepy because his "eyes had no sparkle" and he says things like "I'll see you in the morning...God willing." Sweetie, he's creepy because he lets a vanload of kiddies stay in his big old house in the middle of nowhere. And he doesn't have a phone. And cause no one can hear you scream and no one knows where you are. Just sayin'.
"A hundred bottles of pop on the wall?" Really? Even in elementary school, I sang "beer" there. Also, in Connecticut, it's not "pop." That's a Midwest thing.
Heebie-jeebies are not the same thing as everyday anxiety or apprehension, like pregame jitters. Sorry. More like "the creeps" or "the wiggins" or "the freaked-outies" which I totally just made up.
"Once again, I'd had an idea that saved the day. I don't mean to sound conceited, but that happens a lot." If you don't mean to sound conceited, Kristy, just shut the fuck up.
How did Jackie Rodowsky make in on the "all-star" team? Huh? I smell contrivance.
Also, since when is there a girl Basher?
"A rain-out is better than losing." Kristy, Kristy, Kristy. [Shaking head sadly.]
"Stacey also dresses like a model, in outfits I couldn't even begin to imagine wearing. Like lacy purple leggings with big floral tops, or black miniskirts with little cowboy shoes." First of all, huh? Little cowboy shoes? I don't know what those are. Also, anyone who can imagine wearing these outfits should be taken out back and beaten with their little cowboy shoes.
As for Claudia, she "might wear a hand-painted silk scarf to top off a polka-dotted jumpsuit, for example. Or two handmade papier-mâché earrings that look like little donuts, with a third that looks like a cup of coffee." Just, yeah.
"That fateful day, as Mallory might say, if she were writing one of her stories." And if she were a terrible, terrible writer. Which, let's face it, she probably is.
Ha ha. Kristy's afraid of lightning! "This fear of mine is a deep, dark secret. Everybody thinks I'm fearless..." I really doubt that anyone thinks she's fearless. Most people prolly think she's afraid of boys.
For a bunch of kids that grew up in small town New England, they are surprisingly afraid of big old houses. If you thought every big, run down house was haunted, you'd think 60% of the town was haunted. Dumbasses.
I had to ask RNL what a "passel" was. Ah, fake folky dialogue.
Um, you've got the whole house to yourselves (theoretically), and yet you feel compelled to put the food (apples and bread) in the kitchen? Rebel a bit! Put it in the dining room! Eat in the living room! Live on the edge!
"Those darn chills." That would be the heebie-jeebies.
Fucking backwards talk. I really doubt any kids would bother with that. Takes too long.
Why would Bart's dad call Claud for info? Why not the Brewer-Thomas household? And how did he get her number? Does Bart's fam use the BSC? So confused.
Oh, yeah, at the beginning, during the standard intro to the BSC, Kristy imagines various members as 80-year-olds, sitting in rockers. Boring. Now, if she had described them as various Golden Girls, maybe I would've been into it.
How would (little) kids in Stoneybrook know about supposedly haunted houses multiple towns away?
I really doubt a 6-year-old could read an old-timey (1930s) diary. First of all, cursive. Second of all, faded ink. Third of all, I have trouble with it, and I've worked in fucking special collections and archives.
"Karen was gazing up at Dorothy's portrait. 'Women didn't have it easy back then, did they?' she asked. 'I mean, she wanted to get out of her father's house, and the only way was to marry this guy.'" Wow, Karen just may be the first 6-year-old ever to get an A+ in Women's Studies 101. Also, it was the 30s, not the Middle Ages. Not saying it was perfect, but women could even vote by that time.
Oh, Claudia. "She was wearing white knee-length jean shorts, white Keds, and a tie-dyed T-shirt she'd made the weekend before. It was a beautiful one, with spirals of yellow and green and purple, and she was proud of it." PS-it bleeds all over her skin and jorts (that's the new way of saying jean shorts--fake copyright RNL and TMW, but you can totally use it) when she goes out in the rain. Oops.
So, everybody's all freaking out, cause the Krashers have been missing for a few hours, right? But you'd think they'd be used to people disappearing, cause it happens every other fucking book.
So the girl on the Bashers? Patty? She wants to be a carpenter and ride a motorcycle when she grows up (*cough* baby dyke!). And then be the president. Yeah.
Heh! One of Bart's favorite things to do is "be with Kristy." Maybe Kristy does put out!?!?
"Bart gave me a gentle smile and touched my hand. 'You're a pretty awesome person, Kristin Amanda Thomas,' he said." And now we're in a Danielle Steel novel.
Oh, yeah, the guy in the shack/cottage/whatever is Dorothy's ex-fiancé.
I've always pictured Dawn's room as pretty neat, and the idea of Sharon telling Dawn to clean her room seems a little...off.
All the BSC write notes for Kristy in the club notebook, to show her how much they missed her. When she hasn't even been gone twelve hours. Because they're a little crazy.
Jessi's note says: "Being lost with eight kids has to be the baby-sitting adventure of all time!" Um, what about getting shipwrecked? Or snowed in? Or lost in the woods? Or running a day camp for every child on the planet with no adult help? Bitch, please.
There are a lot of Mets fans in these books. Which is borderline odd.
"Missing, without a trace!" For a few hours!
Of course Claud makes a sign: WELLCOME HOME, KRASHERZ! That Claud, she's so street.
They only order two large pizzas for seven girls? Are they all on Stacey's diet?
Ah, yes. The single most clichéd moment in all juvenile literature. All the characters saying "Anchovies!" in disgust.
Kristy wants to get Dorothy and the caretaker together again. Guess all that time with Bart turned her into a romantic.
"I know it was wrong to let them think I was dead [also, isn't that illegal?], but it was the only way I could see for me to take control of my life." Yep, in the 1930s.

Wow. I'm a little rusty here. But I think it's all coming back to me now, like that bad Celine Dion song.

***

So, I'm going to try to get back on a regular posting schedule, but things are still going to be a bit crazy in my personal life, and my supply of books is entirely different (and less reliable) here in my new locale, so there might be some weeks without. Also, holidays coming up. So eat it, much like West Virginia did in the Backyard Brawl last night! Go Panthers!

All in a muddle

2007-11-30T21:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, update. Things are still really crazy for me, but I am trying to get a post done. I'm hoping it'll be up sometime next week.

In the meantime, continue to amuse yourselves with verification word fanfic.

Update-y goodness

2007-11-02T09:21:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I am officially moved. However, I don't have internet access in my new place yet. So....updates are still on hold. Hopefully within a few weeks, I'll be able to post again. Alas, Mal's Cooties will have to wait, too. I didn't have time to write anything up between the packing and moving and tying up loose ends, etc. So, who wants to start somethin? Huh? That's right!

Also, the Red Sox get a major "Well allllriiiiight!" in the style of Wykked Sceptre.

I am insane. No, seriously.

2007-10-12T19:08:00.000-05:00

I've had some big news since my last post. Namely, I'm starting a new job on Halloween. And it's about 500 miles away. And I have just about two weeks to plan and execute the move. So, my posting for the next few weeks will be irregular at best. So, keep checking back!! But don't expect too much. I have a ton of shit to do. But I do plan on getting "Mallory's Cooties" posted at some point next week. So there!

(And go Sox!)

The summer was going to be all right, after all; or, BSC #55: Jessi's Gold Medal

2007-10-07T22:53:00.000-05:00

Rereading this book, I discovered what might be the epitome of "even more boring to read about than it is to watch." [Even worse than NASCAR, RNL.] Synchronized swimming. Yep.

Even the cover is boring.

See?

The people in the background are seriously freaking me out, though. Are they kids? Adults? I just can't tell. And there are some rad hats in the audience. Oh, and Jessi's supposed to be the graceful half of the pair, but white girl's form seems a little better here. Her name is Elise.

Yeah, so this is another book that tries to make up for its sheer dullness by adding far too many inane subplots. Just a warning. I'll try to muddle through it for you. [Look at me, being all self-sacrificing...]

It's spring and it's hot. [Fuck you! It's October and it's hitting 90 here. Sorry. Digression.] Jessi wants a pool. Instead, her fam decides to get a membership at the Stoneybrook Pool Complex. And then there's the upcoming SMS Sports Festival; everybody but Mary Anne and Mallory want to compete in an event. And the gym classes are doing a swimming unit, so each class walks over to the pool to go swimming. (Outdoors. In the spring. In New England. Don't care how warm the air is, that pool better be heated.) Um, and during the first swimming class, the synchro [That's what the cool kids call it. And by cool, I mean really lame.] coach spots Jessi's dance training and asks her if she wants to join the synchro team. Jessi's into it [what a hobby slut!], and even has to switch her lunch period around. And she gets partnered up with Elise, who's a swimmer of the racing persuasion. And they're all going to be in the Sports Festival as a team, then the pairs will compete against each other. Follow me so far? Well, they're working hard, and if this were a movie, there'd totally be a training montage with some sort of peppy power-pop. Meanwhile, the other girls are trying to figure out what they're competing in, and Kristy challenges Alan Gray to the obstacle course. Oh, and because the Summer Olympics are going on (during the fucking spring, while school is still in session, cause...likely), and all the kids in town are kind of obsessed, Jessi comes up with yet another "great" idea [that is actually monumentally dumb]. Yeah, the BSC decide to have a mini-olympics for the kiddies. And they're all giddy and over-enthusiastic, right? Oh, except for Charlotte and Becca. And Andrew, cause he can't do anything [perhaps because he's only 4????]. So, all this is going on, and Mal accidentally sprains her ankle while trying to pretend to sprain her ankle to get out of the Sports Festival instead just copping to the fact that she doesn't want to/is afraid to participate. And Charlotte and Mary Anne talk it out and decide that they're angry that they can't participate because they're klutzes/shy/whatever. Oh, and there are multiple chapters describing the sports festival, making me wish again for a montage. And Kristy beats Alan. And Mary Anne works the refreshments. And Jessi and Elise, who think they're gonna totally lose, win the gold medal. Of course. Um, and the mini-olympics are a success. And Jessi and Elise both decide that neither really loves synchro. Elise is never heard from again. The end.

I think that's all the big stuff that happened. Here's the little stuff:

I think every other Jessi book starts with Jessi in ballet class. And then she doesn't have anymore for the rest of the book.

Oh, this is the book with the sweating vs. glowing cage match.

One of Jessi's heroes is Misha Baryshnikov. Apparently, they're so tight she calls him by his nickname. [From his IMDB bio: "Boyishly cute, diminutive and strong as a bull, but as graceful as any gazelle or swan, Mikhail Baryshnikov is a household name even to non-balletomanes." Heh.]

"Gracefool" does not equal "graceful" with a French accent.

Actually, Jessi, your professional career would not last the rest of your life. Just sayin'.

First on the list of things that come with being a pro 'rina? "Watching what I eat. (Have you ever seen a fat ballerina?)." You'd think she'd be working on that already.

Jessi's dad laughs like Darth Vader. I mean, James Earl Jones.

Is a/c really bad for dancers? It's better than getting dehydrated when it's really hot. And I've never been to a ballet performance that wasn't climate-controlled.

Kristy wears her visor backwards at the BSC meeting.

Jessi knows the word "dietetic," but she eats two bowls of cereal for breakfast? I'm so confused.

Ah, an outfit: "At that meeting, [Claudia] was wearing these sharply creased, pastel-green [sometimes, I think they just throw in random hyphens to fuck with me], cuffed shorts; a wild Hawaiian shirt tied at her waist, with vibrant colors that perfectly picked up the green [but those colors shall remain nameless, to hide their shame]; and sandals with crisscrossing ankle straps to her knees [how many fucking sandals like that does she have?!?!?]. Her hair was swept to one side and held in place with a long, fake-flowered barrette that looked like a Hawaiian lei."

I always forget that supposedly, Dawn's house was a stop on the Underground Railroad.

Oh, yeah. All that "gross" food that Dawn eats. Like "whole wheat, unsalted sesame crackers." That's the best you could do? Not seaweed, or steamed lentil loaf or something that at least looks a little odd? Crackers that sound like they'd be delicious? Especially with hummus? Probably not a good example.

If Jessi goes pro, she's going to move to New York. Shocker!

The Sports Festival is mostly track and swimming. Two sports which will never be mentioned again. Cause it's the 'Brook.

The BSC are all shocked that Mary Anne doesn't want to get involved in Festival. Because they've never, ever met her before.

Claud wants to find an event that's "not too embarrassing." Huh? [Then, she goes and enters the "backward race," which is totally a fake sport.] What would be embarrassing? The "naked run?" The "confess your love while tripping over hurdles" race? The "match the kid with the STD" contest? I don't get it.

Blah, Alan's a jerk, he's immature, crush on Kristy...[yawn].

They're really taking entire gym classes and making them walk to the pool complex? And, conveniently, it's only a five minute walk each way? Still, permission slips? Liability? Anyone?

OH MY GAWD!!!! THE BOYS AND THE GIRLS HAVE SWIMMING CLASS TOGETHER!!! AND MAL'S WEARING A BABYISH BATHING SUIT!!!! IT'S THE FOURTH HORSEMAN!!!! THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!!!

Jessi thinks she flunked her swimming test so badly that she'll be put in..."remedial swimming." The fuck?

Becca gave each other "high-fives, low-fives, and as many different kinds of fives as [they] could think of." I miss Scrubs; the Todd would've come up with some awesome fives.

This book is full of "startling revelations" and "Maybe there was something I could do about it..." moments of fake drama. Fork...pointed...at...eyeball...

The stakes in the Kristy-Alan showdown? A week of 'personal service'...Um, yeah. That could be...um...dirty...if one's mind took it in that direction. Which mine totally didn't. Not even close. No internal jokes about blowjobs in the broom closet during study hall. Nope, none at all.

Again with "I was expecting an easy job" whining.

I will not repeat really stupid pun-innuendos. I will not do it.

I have never thought that synchronized swimming looked easy.

Why are they all so pushy in this book? They're all about trying to get the holdouts to join the sporty fun.

Fuckin' Claud. Extpretion is nothing at all like the word "expression."

There's a fake Olympic coach named "Spuds Diamond."

Okay, so the Sports Festival is on a Wednesday, right? And there are tons of parents there to watch the competitions. Don't they have to work? Can all these people duck out all day in the middle of the week to watch a stupid sports thing? Can I work there?

Since when does Kristy sprint? And why isn't she on the track team if she's that fast?

Oh, yeah. I think Claud thinks the Sports Festival is a fashion show: "She was wearing electric-pink track shorts with a turquoise racing stripe, a matching top with cut-off sleeves, brand-new high top track shoes with no socks, and floral-print suspenders." And a barrette shaped like the Olympic logo. I don't even know where to start. That outfit is too tacky for the Fly Girls, back in, like, 1990.

No, Mal. Nothing in this book even remotely qualifies as exciting.

And ladies? Kristy's had a ton of shit ideas. You just ignore those.

They have all these consolation prize type awards for the kids at the mini-olympics, and they're so full of shit.

Kristy is a bitch. During her week of "personal service," she makes Alan call her ma'am.

Ever notice that none of the BSC 'rents ever say, "No, you can't have fifty million children over here. I will not be responsible for that many kids in my yard."

A little bit of wisdom from this book? "You know, they're just kids, but sometimes you can really learn things from them." And sometimes, you're just projecting. And sometimes, you're trying to drag a lesson out of a really stupid story. The end.

Next week, I think I'm going to do Get Well Soon, Mallory! Mainly because I want to make terrible mono jokes.

***

Also, if I were to write something BSC-related beyond this blog, like an essay or a book or something like that, what would you want my opinionated ranting to be about? Throw some stuff out there...

He's mostly interested in girls; or, BSC Mystery #15: Kristy and the Vampires

2007-09-30T18:17:00.000-05:00

Wow, this book was asstarded. Seriously. I know, I know, all the mysteries are pretty much dreadful, but that doesn't numb the pain caused by reading this shit opus.

Even the cover is stupid:

Yeah, this actually happens in the book (pg 115, for those checking). The witch? That's Claire, who's scaring the vamp so that it can't scare her anymore. (There's this whole thing about Claire being absolutely terrified of the "vampires" on the movie set. So, Kristy decides to "cure" her, and she and MA come up with a "solution." Claire can dress up as something scarier than a vampire, something that the vamps will be afraid of, so they won't bug her. Seems to me like that might actually make the problem worse and not really address her fear or whatever. Ugh.) Mary Anne actually looks fairly 1994. But Kristy? She looks FREAKY! And the quote monster strikes again! See how her shirt says "Little Vampires," quotes included? Lame. Plus, I think all the vamps in the movie are supposed to be kids or teenagers, not in their 30s. And dressed like kids, not Dracula. Yeah...

So, the really stupid plot. Yep...Well, they're shooting part of a TV movie in the 'Brook. Derek Masters is one of the stars, along with some more famous guy named Carson Fraser. The movie is called Little Vampires, and it has a stupid, clichéd plot (just like this book!). See, there's a foreign exchange student from Transylvania named Laddie Alducar [first name short for Vladimir, last name an anagram of Dracula...SO STUPID!!!!]. Turns out, he's a vamp and he's been sent to recruit kids to be vamps [Sorry, I've watched far too much Buffy and Angel, hence the overuse of the word "vamp.") But Laddie starts to be all sad, cause he's missing out on being a normal kid. Then more vamps show up to help with the recruitment drive, and there's a big action-y conflict scene before the happy ending, in which "Laddie ends up staying in America and becoming a normal kid." [But is he still a vampire? How does that work? Where does he live? There are more plot holes in the movie than there are in this lameass book.] And Kristy gets hired to watch Derek while he's on the set (and Claud gets hired to watch his kid brother Todd on the set when Todd's shooting--he's got a bit part). And there's tension between the Derek and Carson and all sorts of movie activities. And then there are a bunch of accidents which may or may not be aimed at Derek, but Kristy is convinced (and convinces the BSC) that Derek's in danger. So, they start to follow suspects and blah blah blah. And Kristy lucks upon the right suspect just in time to save Derek's life; this weird girl who's obsessed with Carson Fraser and cuts the brake lines in Derek's chauffeur's car in an attempt to keep Derek from outshining Carson. I'm still not entirely sure what her motivation was, or why she was trying to kill a little kid, but there ya go. Overly complicated plot? Check. The BSC finding a mystery where one may or may not actually exist? Check. Lots of red herrings? Check. The BSC opting to avoid police involvement, even when they think that someone's life is in danger? Check. Me wanting to put my head through the window? Check. Yep, it's a BSC Mystery.

"The Day I Found Out It Was Going to Be an Interesting Summer." Aw man, Kristy's caught a case of the caps!

Um, apparently David Michael's hair "has these soft little curls that are the envy of all my friends." What? Gotta love details thrown in tp give the characters more, well, character.

Kristy's dad "was never very involved as a parent, and I guess that's partly why he left--he just wasn't interested in being a daddy." I really hate how all that stuff about Kristy's dad just gets tossed off like that. Either leave it out, or at least kinda deal with it.

So, when did Karen and Andrew start living with Watson every other month? That seems even more complicated than the previous arrangement.

More "Nannie's a character" bullshit. "She goes bowling, to aqua-aerobics classes, poker tournaments--you name it, she does it." How about taxidermy? Bank robbery? Running a drug cartel? Just checking...

Kristy reads a Beetle Bailey comic strip to children. And they are apparently amused by it. I wasn't aware that anyone under the age of, like, 75, finds that shit amusing. And she reads a comic strip to them???

Heh. Mary Anne wonders if Cam Geary might be in the movie.

Oh, and they don't mention that's it a TV movie until a ways into the book.

Ever notice how the BSC are always running so they won't be late for meetings?

The movie's being shot in Stoneybrook because the Masters family suggested it "as the perfect small town setting."

Stacey "still has that urban flair." Kristy should totally write copy for the Newport News catalog.

Heh, Carson Fraser is on a show called Miami Beach, USA. As opposed to Miami Beach, Greenland, which is totally my favorite show.

Does a wardrobe lady really wear "a long gray smock with lots of pockets?"

There are lots of boring descriptions of how boring it is to be on set most of the time.

And apparently, they let anyone hang out and watch the shoot. Even when they're shooting inside the elementary school.

Kristy has finally found her scene! "I fit right in, fashion-wise...Just about everybody...wore jeans, or shorts, and ratty T-shirts. That outfit, plus maybe a baseball cap, was practically the uniform for the set."

Part of the tension on set comes from Derek pretty much always outperforming and outshining the movie's "star," THE Carson Fraser.

There is a shit ton of exposition about how Derek has grown a few inches and has gotten a bit clumsy. Seriously, like a page and a half of the book, just dedicated to that.

Actually, there's a ton of useless exposition pretty much all throughout this book. Whoopee.

Sheila Mayberry is the PR Bitch for the movie, and she's aiming to have everyone in Hollywood talking about the movie. Yes, the TV movie. That's right, the made-for-television movie.

The director gets pissed that Derek messes up a shot at the very end, and they'll have to reshoot it later. Did they only budget enough time for one take of each shot? For a movie with kids? I learned in Filmmaking I that you always budget for multiple takes.

I'm not sure why Kristy decides that she "owed it to Claire to help her get over her fear of vampires..." Ah, lack of believable motivation...In a BSC book? Never...

When Todd's thirsty during one of Derek's scenes, Mrs. Masters tells him to go get a soda. Todd is only four. Later, she tells Derek he can't have a cookie before noon. Someone's not very consistent.

Accident #1: Todd breaks the glass that was supposed to be the breakaway glass from Derek's scene! Only it's real glass! Derek could've been seriously injured! The propmaster gets booted over that one.

Kristy talks her way into one of the production offices, and some woman shows her receipts and paperwork and shit. The fuck????!!!!??? Who's gonna let some random kid take a look at production paperwork? And don't they have a production secretary or something similar who'd be in the office? Argh!

The scenes between Carson and his manager are like watching Entourage, Jr.

The only thing clumsier than Derek is the foreshadowing in this book. Slam!

Accident #2: Derek's stuntwoman's harness breaks during a stunt! And she falls! And Derek would've been doing that stunt if it weren't for Accident #1!

Oh, the crazy Carson girl? She wears a rose in her buttonhole every single day. Because she's actually an old-timey gentleman. Or, I'm guessing, because she's fucking crazy.

Kristy opens an envelope addressed to Derek. Her excuse? "Now, ordinarly [sic] I would never open somebody else's mail, but in this case, something told me that I should." And lucky for her hunch, it's a threatening note for Derek! Blah, she tells his mom, who tells his agent, and they both tell her not to worry. But she does anyway! And now it's a mystery! For the BSC to solve!

Stupid emergency meetings.

Of course, it never occurs to any of them to CALL THE FUCKING POLICE if they think some kid's life is actually in danger!

At least sixty people on set? At least is right!

I think Shannon is the least insane member of the BSC. Sure, she has her moments, too, but she's generally the most reasonable member of the crew.

Is there really a perfect day for blowing bubbles? I think any day is a perfect day for blowing bubbles.

I'm really not feeling this whole Charlotte=detective persona. I really don't buy it.

The three motels on the outskirts of the 'Brook? The George Washington, the Sleepy Bear and the Kozy Kabins. The first sounds like a B&B, the second sounds like a hunting lodge in Montana, and the third sounds like budget accommodations in the Poconos. Why not a Holiday Inn? A Best Western? Why always trying to be clever?

Heh. Cokie Mason's totally trying to get in Carson's pants, even acting all buddy-buddy with Kristy on set.

"Cokie minced up to us on white high-heeled sandals. She was wearing a white, ruffly peasant blouse that was pulled off her shoulders and a pink flowered skirt. She looked ridiculous." That doesn't sound any more ridiculous than most (all?) of Claudia's outfits, and quite a few of Dawn's and Stacey's, too.

So, Cokie throws a party for the entire cast and crew (obviously trying to get Carson to show--and he totally doesn't! Burn!)...And everything is decorated in pink, Cokie included. And everybody gets food poisoning!!! Hee!

"Claudia was looking great in a loose, flowery jumpsuit." I don't think there's enough fire to burn that image out of my head. [I'm picturing a floral version of Janeane Garofalo's jumpsuit when she was the B-Minus Time Traveler on The Ben Stiller Show, just so you know.]

Seriously, why would some company voluntarily just give info about their customers to a bunch of nosy girls?

Carson's manager looks like a villain, "since he always wore black and loved to puff on those huge cigars." Do you ever get the feeling that the BSC learned everything they know from movies that would show on Turner Classic Movies?

No, Kristy, trespassing in someone's trailer is not a "great idea." It's a fucking stupid idea. A really fucking stupid idea.

Yeah, Kristy goes snooping in Carson's trailer.

Ah, the director likes Mal's look, sending us all into a collective flashback to California Girls. Even the ghostwriter got sucked into that vortex.

After an uneventful week, Kristy starts to think the "mystery" was all in her head.

They get all "what if we don't solve the mystery before he goes back to California? We can't protect him there!" News flash! You probably really couldn't protect him if a real criminal was after him, not just some crazy fangirl!

In fact, the BSC are dealing with the dumbest "criminal" ever, as she highlights the relevant evidence in a book and drops it in a convenience store.

The climax and resolution here really are the stupidest set of coincidences ever. It's not really "solving" a mystery if you luck upon the crime and the criminal just by being there and being paranoid. Just sayin'.

Oh, and she wants to kill the kid for stealing scenes from her stalkee. The hell?

She winds up in "Hidden Acres, a private Massachusetts facility for emotionally disturbed adolescents." Hidden Acres, eh? Perhaps yet another fictionalization of McLean?

Oh, yeah. The Masters fam hires Dawn to set-sit for Derek in Cali. Wooo.

The book ends with a really lame "memory book" with all sorts of news clippings about the movie. Yippee.

Dude, this one was painful. Really, really terrible. I think maybe I died a little inside while reading it. It was that bad.

Yes, a therapist; or, BSC #85: Claudia Kishi, Live From WSTO!

2007-09-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

So, this is the first Claudia book after the Stacey fallout. And it's also the return of the notorious Ashley Wyeth (you know, from Claudia and the New Girl?)...In fact, that's supposed to be Ashley with Claudia on the cover:

Before you ask: yes, Claudia is wearing a fucking tux. And, yes, it's pretty similar to the description of the outfit she wears to her first radio show. (Did I spoil that for you? Or did you figure it out from the really fucking obvious title?) I totally used to wear formal wear to my radio show. [Yes, I was a DJ in college. So, if you were listening to 92.1 WPTS-Pittsburgh between 1998 and 2001, you could have listened to me! Go back in time and tune in, dammit! I did a show called Radio Porn. And I went by the DJ name "The Tiffinatrix." I didn't make it up; it was one of my ridiculous college nicknames. I think I came up with the show name, though. The station on the cover actually looks kind of like the studio at PTS. Ah, memories.]

So, plot. Claudia's feeling sorry for herself, what with no best friend and no prospects on the boy front. So, she decides she needs a hobby. She rules out a few stupid ideas, then enters a contest to host a children's radio show on WSTO, Stoneybrook's radio station (I'm a little confused about the station actually...I think it's kind of a community station, but it's run like a commercial station. Probably doesn't matter too much, just me being picky. Wait, isn't that why you read this blog?) And she wins! She will run a show called "For Kids Only" with the second place winner, the aforementioned Ashley. So, they have a show. With kids on as guests and talent and such. Oh, at first, they don't really work well together, but they manage to get it together. (Not sure how.) And they sort of help keep the station afloat.

Subplot: Kristy is fucking annoying. Like, surpassing Karen levels of annoying. Yep. She's obsessed with getting on the show. So she auditions with a whole bunch of shitty skits and plays until she and the Arnold twins hit upon a decent idea: kid lit Jeopardy. Seriously wanted to kill her. In fucking painful ways. Over and over again. I'm never really a big Kristy fan, but my hate for her in this book knows no bounds.

The hits!

Mmm, chipped beef with cream sauce. That recipe needs a euphemism. Like "colonial beef" or something less descriptive.

Dawn asks "Who wants to watch you chew up murdered mammals?" Cause she's never eaten meat at all in this series. Ever. I keep waiting for her to break into "Meat is Murder." ["The flesh you so fancifully fry..." etc.]

Logan and Mary Anne are making a mix tape together. I think they misunderstand. You're supposed to make a tape for that special someone. And they, in turn, will make one for you...But a couple making the mix for themselves? I'm not familiar with that, and I'm a bit obsessive about mixes.

Gulp is right. "I was wearing a backward T-shirt, overalls I'd made by sewing together two halves cut from different pairs, and mismatched socks. It was my "deconstructionist" look. You know, like the art movement? Those paintings that show you the parts of objects rearranged in interesting ways? Well, that was the idea, anyway. Cool, huh?" No, Claudia. Not cool. Fucking ugly. Heh, Janine calls Claud's look "Frankenstein's jumpsuit."

Computers hate Claudia. Yep.

Claud changes clothes before her sitting job: "jeans and a button-down men's shirt over a stretch top." A stretch top? That's descriptive.

Oh, yeah. Mal tells a bunch of stories about the Oogly Oogly Beast, a monster neat freak. Actually kind of clever, until Kristy steals and butchers it.

Claudia claims not to be boy-crazy. My ass. She and Stacey (both of whom claim to have zero luck and only a passing interest in the males of the species) keep talking bullshit like that.

Claudia's list of (mostly) ridiculous potential hobbies:
1. Tuba
2. tap dancing
3. cooking
4. ~~corr~~ Chorrus
5. Swiming
6. dramma club

She rules out cooking after she fucks up an omelet in the fucking microwave. Sweetie, that's not cooking. Not hobby-style cooking, anyway.

Why does Claudia think she might want to join chorus or drama club? She's never had any desire to sing or act before...

Since when does Jessi take "all kinds of dance lessons?"

Wow, this book name drops the Saddle Club books.

Claudia thinks that tofu tastes like "eating warm socks." Who marinated the tofu in warm socks? I'm looking at you, Sharon...

LUV? Not again.

At this point in the story arc, Claud and Stace have started saying hi to each other at school.

Wooo! U 4 Me!!!! [Screaming like a fucking nutjob.]

Okay, this "kids' show" is aimed at children of all ages, from little kids to like 14 and 15 year olds. Which seems like a rather broad audience. Just sayin'.

Wow, even in Stoneybrook DJs are annoying.

While writing her application essay, Claud consumes "a Milky Way, a box of Peppermint Patties, two Chunkies, and half a bag of Cape Cod potato chips." Holy shit. I got fatter just reading that. It's like she's a 15-year-old boy! Or Cartman. [BTW, Cape Cod's are the best fucking chips on the planet.] And how did she not get sick?

"Here is my idea of a great host for a kids' show:" = worst intro ever. Where's the hook, Claud?

Also, your essay is not terribly humorous.

How the hell does Claud know what a Pulitzer is?

How many kids really have radio experience? Especially kids between the ages of 10 and 14? And how many of them live in Stoneybrook. Cause I don't think the number is very big.

"An old, moldy, good, and goldy...the Beatles..." The fuck?

Woo! Route 95, my old (and hopefully future) stomping grounds.

Claud suddenly thinks Janine's great, cause she's the only one of the Kishi fam who's happy for Claudia (at first, anyway).

Charlie agrees to drive Claud to the radio station. Does this kid have anything better to do than to shuttle a bunch of 13-year-olds around?

Kristy waltzes in with Claud and acts like it's her fucking show. Bossy doesn't even begin to describe the obnoxious here.

Hee, Ashley's dressed all normal.

An intern (who is apparently paid!!! Though it's only a pittance?) is assigned to help Claud and Ashley.

Wow, they get a tech staff? I ran my own boards...

Apparently, Ashely has changed, and she no longer thinks that art is the ONLY FUCKING THING WORTH DOING WITH ALL HER TIME. Or something.

Ashley makes fun of Claud's spelling. Heh.

Oh yeah, Kristy even tries to commandeer the planning session for the show. You know, the show that Claudia and Ashley are in charge of? The one that Kristy has nothing to do with? [I know I'm ending with prepositions, but fuck it. If Claud doesn't have to spell in a way that vaguely resembles what she's trying to convey, why should I have to follow my MLA closely?]

Claud keeps using the SMS Express computer. Why doesn't she just use Janine's?

One of the reasons for the contest was to fill up some air time without paying. Ashley's all sorts of offended that they're being "used." Whatever, chickie. You're getting good experience, you're only 13, and it's gonna be fun. Suck it up. You don't have student loans. Or any expenses, really. Hmm.

Kristy's ideas for segments on the show are terrible, goody-goody shows. Like segments about fucking babysitting. Dumb bitch.

Plus, unscripted lameass skits? Bad idea. You have to prepare a little more before an audition. And what makes you think you can come up with dialogue anyway? Just go play some softball.

Also, music jokes ("some unknown key. Q maybe") only work if the character telling the jokes has anything to do with music. Ever.

Yep, another mention of I Love Lucy. And a list of random talents from random kids.

Even though Claud knows she'll be on the radio and no one will see her, she indeed wears a tux to her first show: "Anyway, I wore the coolest tuxedo I'd recently bought in a thrift shop, including a silky, piped shirt and a bright red velvet cummerbund. I removed the shoulder pads from the jacket [do tux jackets usually have shoulder pads?], which made it really slouchy (I love that look). Then I bought a pair of white socks with silver glitter [wait, what? She bought them when? When she got the tux? When she was getting dressed? So confused!]. I decided to wear a pair of red sneakers to match the cummerbund. I swept my hair up and fastened it with a rhinestone barrette in the shape of a musical note." Wow. I think she's destined for a future as a backup dancer at the Tonys circa 1982.

To fill time, Claud waxes all wistful ON THE AIR about her ex-best friend. You remember Stacey?

Mal's handwriting looks really different in this book.

Reading about Kristy forcefully taking Mal's character is truly painful. And monstrously cringe worthy.

Without his "small stipend" from WSTO, intern will have to drop out of college!!!!!

They have an advice segment on "For Kids Only." It's a call-in show. And it's boring.

Heh...the Arnold twins totally shoot down Kristy's ideas. "That's pretty stupid." Hee.

I realize they have no budget, but they live close enough to New York that they shouldn't have to limit their children's author search to Connecticut.

A band called the "Curious Quartet" made up children playing the banjo, the tin whistle, the Jew's harp and the washboard? Really? No, really?

A parent makes a huge donation to the station as a thank you for the girls giving her kid good advice. And the station is saved! Wahoo!

Oh, and Stacey and Claud talk about how they both hope they can be friends again. Ah, foreshadowing.

The end!

Again, no idea what's coming up...

I, Stacey McGill, was a victim of the winter's first snowball; or, BSC #70: Stacey and the Cheerleaders

2007-09-17T18:24:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I decided to check out what led to last week's awesomeness. I couldn't find the book immediately following at either of my libraries, so I decided to go in the opposite direction.

Is it just me, or does Stacey actually look thirteen on the cover?

And I think that's supposed to be Charlotte, who's never even mentioned in the book...I have no idea who it could be otherwise, especially since Stacey doesn't actually babysit in this book. [Sweet.]

This book is totally plot-tatastic! What happens? Well, it all starts with RJ Blaser, Stoneybrook Middle School's star basketball player, hitting on Stacey by hitting her with a snowball (talk about mature!). Well, she goes out with him once, and meets all the cool kids (the "Group"). And she totally hits it off with a different basketball player, the infamous Robert. So, they start dating, and Stacey starts hanging out more with the popular kids, including the titular cheerleaders. And when there's an opening on the squad, Stacey auditions. But she doesn't make it, because she's too good and she'll make the others look bad. Oh, and there's this whole thing about the b-ballers and the c-leaders breaking rules and getting special privileges and shit. And Robert quits the basketball team in protest. Oh, and Stacey begins to see the BSC as more and more immature. Whee!

AND there's a subplot, but it's not terribly interesting, and it's a total stretch tying the subplot to the actual plot. See, Shannon's having some issues with her kid sisters. Tiffany has become mean and sullen and bitchy (hmm...something to do with the name perhaps?), and she's torturing their sis Maria. Turns out she's acting out cause Shannon's crazy achiever girl, and Maria's super-swimmer, and Tiff is just a fuck-up (I feel that, sister). But Mary Anne & Claud figure out that she needs a hobby, something that she loves and can actually do. So, flowers and plants. (And Stacey realizes that she doesn't really love being a cheerleader and she doesn't want it for the right reasons. Blah.)

Gimme a L-I-S-T!

Since when does SMS have a popular crowd? And why have none of them EVER BEEN MENTIONED BEFORE????!!!!!! How friggin' big is their school anyway, that an entire (pretty sizable) group of kids has never come up before?

I hate Stacey's capital letter affectation. You know, "the Group," "McGill Family Drama," "the Big Question," you get the idea. The totally fucking lame idea.

Fashion on the first page? Yes, please! Stacey's wearing her "new plum-colored corduroy pants and white down jacket." Yeah, I can picture her in a white puffy coat.

Seriously? Multiple guys who are over 6' in 8th grade? Don't think so...

"Even I had started going to the games, and I'm no jock." Um, if you were a jock you would be playing a sport. Maybe you might want to rethink that sentence.

Stacey thought that RJ was talking about fowls, not fouls. Because she's been smoking Claud's drug of choice?

They go to see a movie called Mall Warriors II. It's kinda like Home Alone crossed with Dawn of the Dead. (That's the Romero set at the Monroeville Mall, right?)

But when RJ "asks" Stacey out, he says it like this: "Did you see...the movie?...Good. We can see it Friday night. It's playing in town. Okay?" Somebody's a little full of himself.

Um, Stacey's trying to say that (one) she's not boy-crazy, but merely "boy-interested" and (two) she's hard-up on the dating front. I call bullshit on both counts.

Fuckin' "LUV."

Her ridiculously high standards? Get this: "Just a gorgeous, smart, considerate guy who takes my breath away and happens to love me even more than I love him." The fuck?

Dude, you're fucking thirteen--maybe lots of LIKE is what you're supposed to have, instead of LUV. You don't want to be that girl that only ever dates and then marries the guy she started dating at 13, do you?

Also, Stacey seems a little more interested in dating RJ to get in with the in-crowd than actually dating the guy...Classy!

Um, why not just say "likes" instead of this?

The phrase "go steady" appears in this book many, many times. I haven't heard that phrase in many, many years.

"I know it sounds weird, but I had an urge to go sit with Sheila. The Group seemed to be having such a great time at their table. Besides, boys were there, including RJ." Yep, Stacey's starting to get that itch to leave the BSCers.

I really need to read the book where Mal gets mono. Cause I'm really, really curious HOW she got mono.

Dawn's back in Cali in this book, and Mary Anne talks about her like she's dead. "Dawn loved blue chips." Sad face, puppy-dog eyes, etc.

Claud was wearing "baggy wool men's pants, gathered at the waist by a black leather band [um, I think it's called a belt]; a white tuxedo shirt with rolled-up sleeves; Capezio-type flats with mismatched white and black socks; and a glittery bow-tie barrette in her hair. On someone else, the Look [fuckin' caps again] might be too formal, or just plain weird. On Claudia, it was fabulous." Doesn't sound too terrible, though it's a little Charlie Chaplin for my taste.

Okay, RJ actually eats lunch with the BSC one day. Why?

Stacey's big date outfit: "a black-and-white plaid unitard with tankstyle top, covered with a black, over-sized cotton knit jersey." I do not understand this outfit at all. And I can think of no more frightening combination of words in English than "plaid unitard."

The date with RJ? Kind of a dud. Nothing in common, blah blah blah. But it's better when they run into the Group.

She's afraid to tell him about her diabetes. She lets him think she's on a diet. And she lets him make fun of it, too. He's a charmer!

Woo!!!! Stacey & RJ run into Sabrina Bouvier at the movies!

Actually, RJ's pretty much a dick.

Some of the Group make fun of the BSC, and it makes Stacey a little embarrassed.

She really notices Robert while on the date with RJ. Like I said, classy!

Apparently, Robert sets off a "Cute Alert. Four alarms." Um, cheese alert, all over my keyboard.

Not cheesy enough? How about "a smile that should have had a DANGER sign on it."

My single favorite part of this book? "I wondered what Corinne was thinking. What would I have thought if I were Corinne? Claud was rummaging around for snacks, wearing an outfit that suddenly seemed a little weird (a sequined vest over a man's white shirt and bell-bottomed spandex pants)." Weird? She's dressed like a reject Fly Girl! Also, Jessi is acting like a four-year-old, though Stacey says she's acting like an eleven-year-old.

I didn't realize that the SMS teams were the Chargers.

Somebody mocks the BSCers for having a sleepover. Heh. (Rightfully so, at least for calling it a sleepover.)

Stacey's always worried that her new, popular friends will make fun of her for hanging with the BSC.

The Group have a slang expression that doesn't really make any sense. A "nine-one-one." Yeah..."It's like calling nine-one-one because you're about to die from excitement? You know?" No, bitch, I don't know. That doesn't make any fucking sense. Especially since, used in a sentence, the phrase is used to describe a person. "Robert is a real nine-one-one." So fucking lame.

Hee! Stacey's "definitely pretty enough" to be a cheerleader, according to some of the cheerleaders.

"I'd never seen real live cheerleaders before I came to Stoneybrook. My school in New York City didn't have them. Cheerleading was frowned on. Girls preferred having their own teams to cheering for the boys." Wow, Stacey went to a progressive school in NY. Also, none of the other schools they played had cheerleaders? She's never been to a pro sports game? Or watched a parade?

Stacey really only wants to make the squad because it's the cool thing to do at SMS.

This is also the start of Stacey being late to meetings...Because she has better things to do.

Stacey hates gym, cause it's in the middle of the day and she gets all gross...um showers? We had showers starting in middle school...

"People have the wrong impression, just because they sit together and act like a clique. We sit together and we're not so bad." Thank you, Stacey, for pointing out (though inadvertently) that the BSC are just as exclusive as other cliques.

I keep waiting for these girls to realize that you can have separate groups of friends and it's okay. They don't have to get along, and you don't have to hang out with them for the same reasons! Broaden your horizons, girls. Please. I'm bored of your little group dramas.

Why does Stacey have Danskins?

Jessi's a ballet dancer. Maybe she's not the best person to help you come up with a dance routine for cheerleading tryouts?

I want to write for the Connecticut Journal of Hair Disorders. It sounds peer-reviewed. Maybe it'll count toward professional publishing?

Stacey's all worried about a "hair kink" before her date with Robert. Yep. And her date outfit? She wears a "pair of new jeans with a brand-new white cotton cardigan with gorgeous floral embroidery and a scalloped, crocheted neckline. On my feet [not again] were suede ankle boots." I can't figure out if she's wearing a shirt under the cardigan or not. Racy?

She's blown away, cause Robert wears cologne.

Stacey decides to tell Robert about the whole diabetes thing, and he's really understanding. Cause he's perfect, remember?

Tonight, in the CAGE OF FURY! MARY ANNE THE MEEK vs. TIFFANY THE TERRIBLE! Oh, wait. It's just Mary Anne's sitting job. Damn.

Robert is a cool dancer. A fact which Stacey learns while at a rock concert in Stamford on a date. At thirteen.

They double date with Mary Anne and Logan. Why doesn't that keep happening in the next book? It would make sense...

Who knew Stacey was a born cheerleader? She's outshines everyone. Big surprise there. These girls never suck at anything.

Claud thinks she'll talk Tiffany into being an artist. Way to force your own interests on someone there...

There are competing editorials in the SMS paper...one pretty much saying Stacey and Robert are fuckers, and one (by Stacey and Robert) defending themselves. And it's all very out of place.

This lameass ending doesn't even begin to hint at the awesomeness to come.
Weak.

A treacherous dance of balance and skill; or, BSC #83: Stacey vs. the BSC

2007-09-09T17:21:00.000-05:00

Oh my fucking gawd. This book was fucking awesome!!!! Stacey actually makes sense!!!! And totally tells the BSC off for being stuck-up, exclusive bitches!!!! Amazing!!!!!! [Full disclosure, the book sucked up until the end, when Stacey tells off the BSC. But the ending totally made it all worth it!!!!]

But first, the cover:

Um, since when is Claud a prep? She has a sweater tied around her shoulders in (quick title page verso check) 1995? And Dawn's rocking the Farm Casual look, more so than California Casual. And Mary Anne is kind of the stylin' one, huh? Also, it seems like Mal's watching a different movie than the rest of the girls. Oh, and this never happens in the book. They don't go to the movies...Hmm...Also, note the hateful stares from the rest of the movie theater patrons!

Right, so the plot of this one is pretty basic. Stacey's spending more time with her boyfriend Robert and his crew. And she keeps showing up late to BSC meetings, and she asks the other BSCers to cover her jobs so she can roll with her new friends. And she finds the BSC more and more annoying and embarrassing. [Rightly so.] And she totally fucks up while sitting for the Newtons, cause she spends a bunch of time on the phone with Robert, rather than tending to a sick Jamie. Oh, she throws a party for her new friends (well, Robert was supposed to have it at his house, but his parents said no), and the only member of the BSC she invites is Claudia. And she has a balls to the wall fight with the club, during which she simultaneously quits and gets booted.

There are two subplots, kinda. One, the BSC are having a talent show, starring the kids in their neighborhoods. Whoo. And Charlotte's all nervous for her upcoming piano recital, so Stace convinces her to be in the talent show to ease her jitters. But, in an act of avoidance, Stacey breaks her promise to Char and doesn't show at the talent show (though she makes it up to Char later and goes to her piano recital).

Let the awesomeness commence...

The book opens with Claud painting the "suggestion" of Stacey. She decides to call it Anastasia Fantasia. Cause, yeah.

For somebody actually from New York, Stacey calls it the Big Apple entirely too much. I was always under the impression that only tourists/bad journalists said that.

I'm terribly relieved to know that Stace has "seen abstract art before."

Did you know that "Claudia is very chic, but she does have a habit of talking with her mouth full." Mmm, hawt?

I hate how every description of Claud has some variation on the "I have no idea how she's not a complete fatass, what with all the junk food" theme.

There's a reference to "the new Jason Priestly movie." Perhaps they're referring to this. Nice...

Oh, and "Claudia has a cool attitude about guys." In this book, especially Kristy and Mal and Jessi are retards when it comes to guys. (It's kinda understandable from the young 'uns, but Kristy's acting like a fucking 6-year-old.)

Yes, they're acting immature, but calling it "LUV" hardly ranks as grown-up, Anastasia.

Stacey and Robert "spent some time together on Fire Island the summer before." [You know, I get the whole "frozen in time" thing, but I have issue with adding real time to that, then asking me to ignore it..."last Christmas," "last Halloween," "last summer." Just say "that one time." No mindbending feats of suspension of disbelief necessary.][Also, Fire Island? Maybe it was growing up in the 80s and early 90s, but I still tend to associate Fire Island with 80s gay culture. Just sayin'.]

Robert is "perfect." At least this early in the book. Seriously, ANM set up a generation of girls for guaranteed disappointment on the guy front.

Kristy occasionally wears cords, and the ghostwriter occasionally throws in some sort of year-appropriate slang and/or fashion.

Mal and Jessi really come across as 11-year-olds in this book. 'Bout damn time.

Stacey, adults don't find "TRUE LUV." In fact, only preteens believe in "luv."

Dawn "doesn't lecture. (Well, not to us. She does sometimes go overboard with people she doesn't know so well.)" Um, last time I checked, Dawn was the lecturing-est bitch ever, even to the BSC. (And she lectures a waiter and the BSC later in this damn book.)

Another example of a crappy imitation of a Kentucky accent.

Apparently, not all boys can be wonderful. Shocking discovery.

I think there are multiple mentions of Polo, the cologne by Ralph Lauren (right?). However, it just says things like "The place smelled as if the walls had been washed with Polo." So I'm not positive if that's what they're talking about...

Stacey's logic: Mozart had bad hair, therefore he is relatively unimportant in the scheme of history. I can think of better reasons, but that works.

Everyone assumes it's an emergency when Stacey wants to find someone to cover her Friday night sitting job at the Pikes'. No one thinks maybe she wants to go out with friends. On a Friday night.

Who wears (ironed) "crisp, turquoise, light-wool slacks" out for pizza with a group of friends? Especially at 13? It's not like she didn't have time to change after work or anything.

Wow, Stacey has lots in common with her new friends...other than kids. Which, you gotta admit, is pretty much the only thing holding the BSC together most of the time...

Dawn spies on Stacey. Because Stace wasn't totally honest about why she needed somebody to cover for her. And Stace remembers the last time a friend spied on her, five years earlier. Which, yeah. They're a little too old for that.

Also, "with her hood, her six-foot knit scarf, her down coat and L.L. Bean boots, she looked like Nanook of the North."

I agree with Stacey's new friends--the BSC totally take themselves far too seriously.

Stacey's all confused. Could she really be outgrowing the BSC? Yep. Took her long enough.

Mary Anne has a new sticker on her backpack: "A smily [sic] kitten with huge eyes, surrounded by fuzzy hearts and the words I [HEART] MY KITTY." Um, cute?

Stacey's shopping list for the mall consists of the following items: bra, corduroy pants (on sale), ankle socks, Breton red cotton baseball cap [the fuck?]. Can she really afford all that on her baby-sitting "profits?"

Ah, "A Whole New World" from the movie Aladdin. I think I sang that in chorus in 7th grade. Or some year.

Yeah, Kristy pretty much acts like an eleven-year-old boy when they're out at a restaurant.

"He was being kind." How old are you Stacey? 50?

Hee...Robert likes "metal and alternative." Hee! But Stacey thinks that "house music works better at a party." Seriously. A middle school party with house music?

Speaking of mature, Stacey refers to the land of "El Barfo Grosso."

Kristy's an ultra-mega bitch in this book.

I sincerely doubt that everybody at a middle school party danced. Not everyone dances at middle school dances.

Stacey's got a MILF!!! "She didn't look too dorky. In fact, a lot of the guys danced with her (including Robert, of course)." Hee, Stacey's mom has got it going on...

In stead of confronting Stacey about the party, Dawn & Mary Anne just show up with a passive-aggressive invitation to hang out...

Claud is rightfully pissed that Stacey put her in an awkward position (that has nothing to do with Imminent Death Syndrome).

I really didn't think of the noise a harmonica makes when I read "WWWAAAAANNNNNK!" Just pointing that out.

One of the talent show acts is Claire Pike doing a veil dance while Byron plays harmonica and Adam plays the spoons. Bizarre, no? And vaguely wrong...

Damn, Charlotte goes a lot crazy when Stacey doesn't show. PS-I hate that whole "almost-sisters" thing they've got...

Stacey has two "ex-best friends" now.

I have to transcribe some particular bits of the fight. Cause it's fucking awesome. Truly amazing.
"Like what?" I shot back. "Like a person who wants to have a life outside the Baby-sitters Club? Like someone who goes out with other friends from time to time? You're all like that, somewhere inside. Maybe you need to grow up and find out..."

[Various BSC members whining and insinuating that Stacey is, in fact, the immature one.]

"This is not a discussion!" I replied. "This is a firing squad. I can't believe I'm sitting here and taking this. You don't want to be my friends. You want to control my life."

"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard," Kristy said.

"Yeah, well, anything you didn't think of is stupid. I'm tired of your bossiness, Kristy. And that's not all. I'm sick of the meetings, week in and week out. And the rules. And the talent shows and fairs and contests and field trips and tantrums and stomach viruses and diapers and feeding schedules and sibling rivalries. I've had it! I'm thirteen years old! I want to spend time with kids who act my own age and talk about something besides baby-sitting."

[YES! YES! YES! FUCKING A! SOMEBODY FINALLY CRACKED!!!! FOR THIS WEEK ONLY, STACEY IS THE AWESOMEST CHARACTER EVER!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!]

HEE!! I'm still brimming with joy from Stacey's rant!

And then Stacey's relationships with her new friends get better and more real, and actually function somewhat like real, moderately mature relationships! It's a shocking development in the BSC universe.

Seriously, the end of the book fucking thrilled me!

Enjoy it! Bask in the euphoric glow of someone verbally bitch-slapping these stupid twats! Have a good week, dwelling on the (limited) awesomeness that is Stacey.

[My spell check suggests Awesome St. as a corrected spelling of "awesomest." I want to live on Awesome St.!]

The gym was beautifully decorated; or, BSC #38: Kristy's Mystery Admirer

2007-09-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

This book is truly ridiculous. (And chock full of boring Krushers v. Bashers "action.") Yep. And features some truly mind-blowing temporal inconsistencies that result in a few confusing explanations...Intrigued?

The cover:

Notable really only because it's actually got Shannon on it...She's wearing her school uniform, and, in a rare bit of continuity, it's the same one she wears on the cover of Kristy and the Snobs! Wow...someone was actually paying attention. Kristy's wearing her uniform, too. I can't quite figure out what's supposed to be on her sweater, though.

The really retarded plot: Kristy gets notes from a secret admirer. Aww. They're all pretty sure that the notes are from Bart. Awww. Then the notes start to get kinda creepy, and Kristy thinks that they're either from Bart (who is suddenly now a psycho) or from a real psycho who is coming to get her. Then, in a big shocker (especially given the heavy-handed foreshadowing earlier in the book), it turns out that Bart did send the love letters, but Cokie Mason sent the psycho ones! Dun-dun-duuuuuuuh!

The mildly retarded subplot: The Krushers beat the Bashers. Then the Bashers beat the Krushers. Then Kristy and Bart decide to have a World Series (I may have the order wrong here. I kinda stop paying attention when ANM starts describing softball games. Cause, boring.). [How can it be a "world series" if there are only two teams in the "league" and both teams are in the same town? Dig? Sure, if they want to declare a "champion," I can understand that. I guess. Sort of. Anyway.] And the Krushers win the world series. Woo. [Not nearly as exciting as when the Sox won.]

The list:

Get ready to have your mind blown! So, it's almost Halloween, and the BSC have to explain what happened with Cokie "on Halloween" to Stacey because she was back in New York then. Now, they don't say "last Halloween," but Halloween hasn't happened yet, so it has to refer to a Halloween that's already passed, right? But here's the kicker! Stacey was back in New York in 8th grade, right? So the Halloween with the big Cokie drama was in 8th grade. But they're STILL IN 8TH GRADE!!! So, THERE ARE TWO HALLOWEENS WHILE THEY'RE IN 8TH GRADE!!!! HOW CAN THEY HAVE A (SCHOOL) YEAR WITH TWO HALLOWEENS???!!!!??? I'm so fucking confused!!!! Could it be a rip in the time-space continuum? Is it magic? A time machine? I just don't understand!!!

Reading about softball is really boring, and I just don't give a shit.

Kristy moans a bunch in this one about Charlie's car. It's a ride, bitch! Don't whine!

Heh, Kristy has to wear field hockey kilts in gym class. We got to wear our regular gym clothes during the field hockey unit.

Bart thinks Kristy should wear skirts more often. Trying to change her already? [Shaking head disappointedly.]

Bart's a guitar player in a band? Since when?

[Seriously, sometimes she describes these bitches like they're much older than 13.]

Nannie is a "special grandmother who doesn't act like a grandmother at all. She goes bowling, wears pants, and has tons of friends." Wait, regular grandmothers don't wear pants? Or have friends? Or go bowling? Seriously?

Claudia's "clothes are so distant...She is always wearing things like Day-Glo high-top sneakers, cut-up jeans, off-the-shoulder sweat shirts (sometimes torn), and friendship bracelets." Um, friendship bracelets as the epitome of cool accessories? It's just braided string! And I'm pretty sure I started wearing them in elementary school. Also, have you noticed how many hyphenates make up Claudia's and Stacey's respective wardrobes? It's kind of a pain to type.

Ah, yes, another tossed off reference to the absent Mr. Thomas.

"I think boys are dweebs, except for Bart, Logan (Mary Anne's boyfriend), and the boys I sit for." Convenient, that. (And grammatically suspect.)

Oh, yeah! Claud's leg, post-break, hurts when it's going to rain...

They stretch their dues awfully far. Just sayin'. One dollar a week per girl is only $7 a week, and it has to cover gas for Charlie, supplies and toys AND part of Claud's phone bill. Yeah. Even on cheaper 80s prices, that seems like a pretty tight budget.

Did you know the BSCers, excluding Claudia, "have to hide out in closets during personal calls, hoping nobody is listening in on an extension?" I didn't. What, they can't just bring the cordless into their room? Or the whole phone? If they can reach a closet, they can prolly reach a room with a door.

In a shocking turn of events, sometimes the Kilbourne family doesn't remember to get their mail until after dinner! Crazy!!!

"Dear Kristy, I think you are beautiful. And you're the nicest girl I know. I would like to go steady with you. I wish I could tell you this in person. Love, Your Mystery Admirer." Awww...somebody's lying to Kristy to get into her pants...

The envelope has hearts and flowers all over it, so Kristy thinks the note "looks like it's from a girl." To which Shannon replies "A girl who wants to go steady with you? Kristy, grow up." So many gay jokes...where to start?

"We sat in the shade because it's not good for babies (or anyone, really) to get too much sun." Wow, Stacey's so smart!

Hee! "Dearest Kristy, I can't stop thinking about you. Maybe I'm in love with you. I don't know. [How fucking romantic!] I've never been in love before [Because you're only 13??? Maybe???]. You are as beautiful as a snow-covered mountain. Love, Your Mystery Admirer."

Okay, so my copy of this book is missing a page, and I think all I really missed was Shannon bonding with some of the BSC girls at a Krushers game. And I was happy.

Dawn likes bad puns. [Smack.]

"They made us look like jerks so we made them look like jerks." Pretty much the story of every Halloween in Stoneybrook.

"Nannie is a character and I love her." Lazy, lazy writing.

Heh, the first freaky note: "I love you, I love you, I love you, but beware. Love is fickle. So are friends. Watch out for your mystery admirer."

Jessi and Mal wax all nostalgic about dressing up and trick-or-treating. Um, I'm pretty sure I was still trick-or-treating at eleven. Maybe would've played it all "I'm too cool for this," but I was totally into it.

Also, the Pike kids are budding capitalists. Notice how they find ways to charge for everything?

Why don't the BSC ever think that Cokie could be behind the notes? You'd think they might have figured it out, rather than assuming kidnappers and psychos.

The stupid Krushers cheerleaders dress up as the Three Stooges for the World Series. They couldn't think of any better threesomes?

Kristy is so distracted by the notes that she forgets to call a BSC meeting to order!?!?!?! Amazing!

The second creepy note rhymes! "Violets are blue, blood is red, I'll remember you when you are dead."

In true BSC style, Kristy decides not to tell her parents about the notes: "Should I tell Mom and Watson about the danger I was in? I wondered. No. They might think I was crazy."

Shannon thinks maybe Bart might be trying to sabotage the Krushers by sending the scary notes, so all the girls start giving Bart the silent treatment. Without confronting him or asking him or anything. Then he gets all pissy, but Kristy won't clear things up until he shows up at her door. Now that's mature...

Stupid Claire tantrums.

Heh, Buddy Barrett hits Shannon in the head with a softball. [Which still fucking hurts!!!! They're not that soft, and Kristy should fucking know that.]

Awww, Buddy has a crush on Shannon...

Kristy can't say "love letters" to Bart for some reason I can't figure.

Again, Kristy doesn't think of Cokie when Bart asks if she has any enemies...

"Everyone fingers him as a likely suspect." Um, that doesn't really sound like Kristy talking...

Kristy actually thinks someone's going to kidnap her for Watson's money. Then she gets offended when Shannon suggests that a kidnapper would more likely go after one of his bio-kids, as opposed to one of his step-kids.

Yeah, Cokie brings her friends to the World Series? Why? It's never really explained. Imagine that.

Cokie gives herself away in response to Kristy saying she and Bart are planning to spend their lives together. She's bragging or something. I'm still not entirely sure why.

One of Cokie's friends is named Bebe. Yup.

Stacey calls Cokie a sewer rat, because she "still thinks in New York terms half the time." Really, she hasn't lost all the New Yorker in a matter of months? I'm floored.

Kristy and Bart wear lobster costumes to the Halloween Hop. (And they win the prize for Most Unusual Costume. Whoopee.)

Karen thinks that "when girls went to dances they wore beautiful gowns and ribbons or maybe pearls in their hair. And jewelry, lots of jewelry." Shut the fuck up, you dumb little girl. Nobody likes you.

Kristy likes slow dancing. And Bart kisses her on the cheek. And she thinks she might be in love. Which is confusing, because she's not really that into him in the books after this...She's pretty ambiguous about him, actually. But in this one, she's in love. My ass.

I sincerely doubt that sixth grade boys are really that fucking different from 8th grade boys.

Kristy writes a note for Cokie, from her "mystery perspirer." LAME.

Phew.

This book was mad boring. Too much about kiddies playing sports and Kristy being a paranoid freak. Ugh.

[I had "Pyscho Killer" stuck in my head for most of the second half of this book. Mainly because of the sheer number of times they used the word "psycho" in this book. Yep, it was one of those weeks.]

Liking a guy is so weird; or, BSC #59: Mallory Hates Boys (and Gym)

2007-08-27T20:36:00.000-05:00

Let me just get this out of the way: Mal is fucking retarded. Seriously. Even if I didn't already think she was a waste of literary oxygen, this book would have convinced me.

Now, let's discuss the cover:

1. Mal's not hideous-looking, but those fucking glasses turn her into a 60-year-old single man who spends all his days in short-sleeved polyester shirts. Damn.
2. For gym uniforms, those ain't half bad.
3. Okay, the blond? The most crushed upon guy in my sixth grade class had that haircut, AND he did that thing where he spiked the hair at the part. [I can totally picture it, but it's kind of hard to describe.]
4. That one kid's shorts are wicked short. Did he get stuck with the petite size?

This book has a plot. Sort of. It's just really fucking lame. In case you couldn't tell from the super-retarded title of the book, in this one, Mal hates gym class and thinks boys are evil. Oh, excuse me, pains. Sometimes, I really wish these bitches could've cursed like longshoremen. It would've made the books sooooo much more interesting. So, gym class (which Mal hates already) goes co-ed, and she acts like a brat. She hates volleyball, too, and thinks everyone who's trying is being mean and picking on her. So, she sits out a bunch and gets detentions. And in a sort of subplot, lots of the male children in the 'Brook are acting particularly bad or something. So, Mal concludes that gym class turns Stoneybrook boys into nightmares. Again, she's a friggin' idiot. And the ending? Mal discovers that she's good at archery (thanks to the dreaded gym class) and makes the archery team, an activity that is never heard from again. And everything's hunky dory, with apologies to Bowie. So, so stupid.

There is a lot to destroy in this little Permabound package:

Mal starts off the book by talking about vocabulary words. And, hate!

Does playing with a Nerf ball really count as playing ball inside the house?

Poor, poor Byron. "He's not as athletic as Adam and Jordan." Also, Mal can pick him out of the triplets "just from the way he slouches." Ah, indie rock god in the making.

Um, Mal, you're their sister! You should be able to (fairly) easily tell the triplets apart!

Can I blame these books for my tendency to find accents hot?

Mal's description of Ben: "By movie-star standards, Ben isn't a hunk or anything. (Even though I think he's totally adorable. [That's good, you're actually attracted to your friggin' boyfriend.]) He has reddish-blond hair, sort of a round face, and freckles. He's tall. And he wears glasses. (Which makes me feel less self-conscious about my glasses.) Yeah, that's really selling him.

Mal keeps calling her siblings geeks.

Dude! Typo! "leavfjing" is supposed to be leaving. Hee.

Mal is deluded; she thinks that Ben's brothers are always perfect. Cause she sees them how often?

"Until I met Ben, I thought making a cake from scratch meant you started by opening a box of cake mix!" Yeah, your mom's got a giant litter of children. Heaven forbid she make cake from a mix. You poor neglected girl. Bitch.

"Jessi isn't stuck-up about her dancing. Not at all. Everything about her is very normal." Thanks for clearing that up. I was totally worked up thinking she'd be stuck up about her dancing. [Also, is a 10-year age difference between the oldest and youngest kid "very normal?" Not saying it's freakish or anything, but it's hardly 2.54 kids-style normal.]

"Claudia was waring a pair of soft, balloony, purple pants ["Can't touch this...do do do-do do-do" you get the picture.]; a neon green long-sleeve leotard top [um, where's the rest of the leotard?]; a wide, red braided belt; and a pair of soft, red ballet shoes." Yeah, purple, neon green and red, all mixed up in one nasty, fugly mess. Oh, and according to Mal, "If I wore an outfit like that, I'd look like a lunatic. But not Claudia. She looked like a fashion model." Nope, I can't even see her and I want to burn my eyes out with lemon juice and salt covered hot pokers.

Wow, an actual example of "California casual!" "For example, today she was wearing black stirrup pants, a long, fleecy red-and-pink rose-print top and black high-top sneakers." Doesn't really sound very Cali to me.

Okay. This is...yeah. "I fished through the jumble of clothes until, way in the back, I found a one-piece denim jumpsuit. It had been a present for my last birthday. I never wear it. Not because I hate it or anything. It's just not me. It's a little too high-style or something." Okay, for someone who bitches and moans about looking like ass and being treated like a baby, you'd think she'd want to wear something more high-style.

Mrs. Pike actually considers letting Mal stay home to avoid gym class. The fuck?

Okay, their gym uniforms aren't that bad! Baggy shorts and a white shirt? It's not like they have to wear the polyester hot-pants/jumpsuits that my mom had to wear in the early 70s!

Aunt Cecilia irons Jessi's gym clothes. And Mal tries it out, too. Dumbass.

Pinnies? I always thought they were pennies. You know, the colored mesh things to differentiate the teams?

Mal ducks and runs away from the ball and doesn't try at all. And then she wonders why everybody on her team hates her. Plus, 10 people on a volleyball team? Are they rotating people in and out? I'm so confused...[I used to play volleyball, so some of this shit totally bugged me.]

Okay. Why do these bitches always expect their baby-sitting jobs to be easy? If a parent says the kid's all kindsa wound up, you might want to listen. That doesn't mean that it'll be a cakewalk for you! Plus, if you don't like it when the kids are all crazy, why sit at all????? "Oh, that kid's never any problem..." My ass!!! If you do soooo much sitting, then you shouldn't ever be fucking surprised when kids are bad! They're fucking kids!!!!!

Okay, not every boy in gym class is all crazy competitive. Also, some of the girls are. So, shut up Mal! Your stupid theory is fucking dumb!!!!!

Also, very little in middle school matters in the long run, not just gym class.

Suck it up. So, you hate volleyball and you hate gym class. You're hardly the only one. Just do what you need to get through it and shut the fuck up, you stupid twat!!!!!

Mal's first detention. Awwww...

Ben and Logan are different. I see. *cough* (GAY!)

Ben keeps waiting for Mal after detention. Isn't that sweet?

Logan thinks all the kids are being monsters, but he can't see that only the boys are being monsters because he is, in fact, a boy. And a boy who likes boys, at that.

Logan flirts by hitting. So do I.

Mal can't believe that Jessi kinda likes volleyball.

Mal's theory: "American boys from Stoneybrook were the biggest pains on earth." As opposed to European boys from Stoneybrook? Also, she recognizes that boys from Kentucky aren't pains--I'll buy that.

Mal never even considers that "benching herself" and getting detentions might hurt her gym grade. Asshat.

Aw, Ben thinks about Mal. A lot.

One of Mal's punishments=awesome. She has to wash all the smelly pinnies in the home ec room after school.

G.I. Joe! Knowing is half the battle!

Mal hides all the detention notices from her parents, and they're not nearly as pissed as my parents would've been. Hiding the fact that I was getting detentions would have resulted in severe punishment.

Mal and Ben trade brothers for an evening. AND THEIR PARENTS GO ALONG WITH IT!?!?!?!?!

Mal's crazy surprised when the Hobart boys are crazy at her house, and her brothers are well-behaved and polite at the Hobarts'. My theory? Mal makes boys into monsters.

Mal finally talks to her gym teacher about the problems she's having. And the boys' gym teacher asks the boys not to pick on Mal anymore.

Okay, supposedly neither Mal nor Jessi has ever done archery before their archery unit in gym class. But wait! Wasn't there some mention of archery at Camp Mohawk? Hmmm...

Phew. So much crap. Shut up, Mal.

The end.

The Baby-sitters Club is special that way; or, BSC #27: Jessi and the Superbrat

2007-08-21T20:04:00.000-05:00

So, this is the first mention of Derek Masters. Yep. All of a sudden, there's a famous kid from the 'Brook. And he shows up from time to time, sure, but this is another great example of the random Stoneybrook-ites...

Cover fun? First of all, there are two different covers, but literally the only
thing that's different is Jessi's head!!!! It's freaky!!!!

Okay, her shirt is a little different, too. And it's still wigging me out!!!!

Also, one of the twins is wearing a t-shirt that just says "Skating" on it! Hee. And is it just me, or does Derek look like a very small man as opposed to a little boy?

Mmmm, acid washed.

So, in this book, Stoneybrook's own child star moves back to town while his TV show, P.S. 162 is on break. [It took me years and years before I figured out what P.S. stood for in this context. See, I grew up in the suburbs? Where public schools--actually, all schools--have names. The school on Head of the Class was the closest thing I got to NYC public schools, and that one had a name, right?] And Jessi winds up sitting for him a bunch. Oh, yeah, and he has trouble adjusting or whatever, cause the kids are all mean to him cause he's famous. And there's this one kid who does especially nasty shit, and his name's John, but Jessi calls him the Superbrat. And Derek finally starts making friends, blah blah blah. And, it turns out, DEREK WAS JOHN, AND JOHN WAS DEREK!!!!! DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!! Yet, Jessi doesn't get all pissed about him being a little dickhead to his classmates, cause it's all better now. Oh, and then he has to move back to L.A. to shoot a made-for-TV movie. Bye for now! See you in a Super Special!

And the subplot? Jessi decides to audition for a performance of Swan Lake at the Stoneybrook Civic Center [Um, how is Stoneybrook such a small town, yet it has a fucking civic center??? And apparently, performances there get written up in the New York papers? Yep. I'm a little confused about just how much of a "small town" the 'Brook is...] And she makes it through the first two auditions, but then, all of a sudden, she doesn't really care about ballet and decides that she's going to take up modeling and acting...She even calls a bunch of agents in Stamford. But when she lands a role as a swan maiden, she gives up the charade and is all OMG! BALLET IS THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER CARED ABOUT!!!!! DENIAL? WHAT DENIAL?

Yep, that's the basic idea...Here are the specifics:

Blah, why do all the books either start wicked boring like "I have feelings. Listen to them!" or "Ooh! Look at my crazy life!!!" Why can't they start the book like a normal book????? Why is it all, "Oh, my sister's freaking out!!! But it's not what you think!!! It's a "clever" plot device to introduce a new character!!!!"? Huh? Why not just something normal???

"I also found myself another best friend." Um, that was fast...And that's a really callous way of saying it, no?

The inner city school on P.S. 162 includes all different kinds of kids. Of course it does! It's a show for kids! And it's a sugar-coated image of the real world! Sound familiar, ANM?

Oh, the most popular kid is "smart, funny, and good-looking." Ah, remember when you thought that was how people got to be popular?

So, the character Derek plays? He's the nerd, Waldo, who is officially a member of the Biggest Cliches Ever club: "He's got weird, spiky hair and he wears this pair of thick black glasses and he's an incredible science whiz. You know, one of those kids who lives and breathes science, but put him in the real world and he can barely tie his shoes..." You get the drift. He's also the comic relief on the show. Of course.

I can't figure out if the teacher on the show is actually named Miss Pedagogue, or if it's Waldo being "clever." It's probably just the ghostwriter being "clever."

Becca keeps saying L.P. instead of L.A. And it's not funny.

Blah, Jessi's wicked psyched that someone who doesn't currently live in Stoneybrook is on TV. And she can't believe no one's told her before! Maybe because it hasn't come up?

"That Monday, for instance, she had two French braids pulled back and wound into one. [Huh?] She's also a wild dresser. [Yes, Claud is a crazy piece of furniture.] At that meeting she was wearing a bright pink T-shirt, a short red flouncy skirt, and underneath the skirt she had on black footless tights that she had rolled up to mid calf." Rolled footless tights? For real? Also, bright pink and red together? Equals risky and she's probably not pulling it off.

How convenient...Jessi's job with the Braddocks is taking up less of her time!

Stupid fake French accent!!!!

"This may sound corny, but every once in awhile in class my overwhelming love for ballet just comes flooding into me." Gee, Jessi, you forget that really fucking frequently.

Gack! More fake French accent!!!! NO MORE!!!! [Actually, that is the last mention of Jessi's ballet classes in the book. Huh.]

Apparently, a lot of dancers from New York will be auditioning for this show. Yet New York is soooo far away or something.

Also, all these girls can act out scenes from A Chorus Line. At like, 11, 12, 13, & 14. Yet none of them are musical theatre nerds, just ballet dancers...Hmm...

What kind of 8-year-old (other than Dakota Fanning, however the hell old she is) talks like this: "Nicky's a great guy."? Huh? Derek sounds like he's in his mid-20s, talking about a guy he dumped.

Oh, and Mal goes all kindsa retarded around Derek, talking like she's in high society, or she has a giant pole up her ass, take your pick.

Damn, I hate the little kid insults!!!! I know I say that, like, every book, but I don't care!!!! They are stupid!!!! And they keep showing up!!!!

Kristy's handwriting looks really odd in this book.

I fucking hate Karen, and her desire to be A STAR!!! I desire to smack her in the mouth. So, now we're both disappointed.

Jessi's mom types her resume for the audition. Even at 11, my mom would've been all, "I'll help you, but I won't do it for you." Yep.

Would the dancers auditioning really wear flashy dance gear? I really don't know, but I would think that would distract from the dancing?

Since when is Mal the voice of wisdom? "And she said I shouldn't let my fears stop me from doing what I wanted in life." Dude, is she the next Dalai Lama or what?

Yes, little kids can be so mean. But so can pre-teen girls. And teenagers. And adults. And me.

Actually, no matter what you do, Jessi, there will be a group of bitchy girls (and/or boys) tearing you apart. It's not just ballet.

Derek's trying to lure Jessi to L.A. Yep.

Really? You think modeling and acting will be less stressful than ballet? Really? *cough* (Dumbass!)

The BSC decide to throw Derek a going-away party. And they decide to make it a breakfast party, which is actually not a horrible idea. But they totally should've served bacon.

Why can't you have cake at a breakfast party? I've eaten cake for breakfast on many mornings...

"Modeling can't be as nerve-racking as ballet." Actually, it can. And even more cutthroat! Woo! New season of ANTM coming soon!

"'I'll make you a star, kid,' he was saying. He lit a cigar and slapped me on the back. 'You've got the face. We'll plaster your picture in every magazine across the country." Um, this is how Jessi pictures the exciting world of modeling? And in Connecticut at that? Yeah, someone's been watching too many movies on AMC.

All the BSCers are wearing robes at the party, but they refuse to wear curlers (Kristy's idea. Cause, yeah.).

"Nothing's fair in love or ballet." Or having to read these stupid books. Yikes.

Oh, and if it's such a big deal performance, how on earth can Jessi fit rehearsals in around dance class, school, AND baby-sitting. Good to know that the whole thing just disappears after this book!

The end.

Thanks for all the nice comments wishing for me to get better. I'm sure none of them were at all selfish, wishing that I'd come back and entertain you. Hee. I'm feeling better, but I'm not 100% yet. So, if I wasn't as bitchy as usual, that's why.

Heads Up...

2007-08-19T17:41:00.001-05:00

So, I am sick. I'm hoping to be feeling better soon, but getting better trumps blogging.

I'm still planning on posting this week, but it probably won't be for a few days...

Stace is also our resident New Yawka (she doesn't talk like one, though); or, BSC Super Special #10: Sea City, Here We Come!

2007-08-12T18:51:00.000-05:00

Don't forget the exclamation point in the title! It's exciting! It really, really is! EXCITING!!!!! And summertime is fun time! Fun, I say! Fun, dammit!!!!!

Okay, before we get to the ridiculousness of this book, let's talk about the cover:

One, Mal is truly fug. She looks kinda like Napoleon Dynamite, only with girly hair and bigger glasses. Two, Dawn's fucking lit. Three, Claud and Stace are WILD! Look, they're screaming and stylish! Four, Kristy is totes in love with Stacey. Five, Jessi looks really normal, if a little older than eleven. Also, this book is set towards the end of the summer, like the beginning of August. And some of these idiots are wearing fucking sweaters. On the fucking beach. [Sure, maybe they're just long sleeve tees, but they look like sweaters, and it's stupid either way. So there!]

Now, this has a monstrously complicated plot, even for a Super Special. Seriously, how many fucking plot lines need to be in one book? [And, as an aside, why on earth did ANM think her readers wanted chapters from the point of view of the kiddies? Sometimes Jeff, sometimes one Pike kid or another, fucking Karen. And they're so stupid! I didn't care, even when I was closer in age to those kids. I only read these books for the "teenagers." I wanted dates and clothes and bitchy classmates. I didn't give a shit about the kids they sat for, and I care even less now. Okay, back to our regularly scheduled bitching...]

The set-up: The Pikes are going on their yearly jaunt to Sea City, and this year, Mal and Jessi are going to be the mother's (or "parents'") helpers. And Stacey's going to be the Barretts' mother's helper. Then, the Pikes invited the rest of the BSC to stay for the second week of their vacation. I'm not sure why. Or how they can fit more girls. Or if the BSC are paying their own way or what. Details and logic are somewhat lacking. Oh, and Logan's going there for a long(?) weekend, too. And they're all getting there because Mrs. Barrett's boy toy, Mr. Harris, is bringing his offspring for the weekend. I think that's it...But don't think that it's that simple. Because there's a fucking hurricane that knocks out the causeway to Sea City, trapping the BSC!!!! [Hurricane? Check. Snowstorm? Check. Shipwrecked? Check. Tornado? Check. Hmmm...Earthquake? Did they ever deal with an earthquake?]

The individual "stories:"

Jessi: She's trying to be a super sitter, for reasons that are never really explained [imagine that]. I guess it's to prove herself or something. And there's this whole stupid thing with Margo and Claire wanting to enter a big fancy sand castle contest, but the hurricane intervenes in a total cop-out.

Mal: Toby asks her out, so she completely forgets about her "steady boyfriend" Ben Hobart. In the end, though, she decides to be "true" to Ben and decides not to go on the date. And she thinks Stacey is jealous of her...[because Stacey really wants to be lame, dumb, ugly, and retarded.]

Stacey: She's miserable, because Mrs. Barrett is a spaz. On the drive to Sea City, Mrs. B's a fucking wreck. Actually, she's kind of a fucking wreck the whole trip. And Stace is all kinds of fighty with Mal. [Has anyone else noticed that the second Stacey gets to Sea City, she turns into a raging bitch? Fightin' with her friends, shirking her responsibilities, whining and moaning, that sort of thing.]

Dawn: She and Mary Anne run a fucking day camp before they leave. And Dawn decides that the last activity will be a sleepover. In her barn. Cause she's a fucking moron. And she makes up more to the Jared Mullray [is that right? I keep thinking it's Mullaney. Nope, I checked. It's Mullray.] ghost story. And she tells it to a group of children. Cause she's downright stupid.

Mary Anne: Yeah, all the stuff with Dawn. Plus, Sea City's all romantic for her and Logan or whatever.

Logan: He's wicked jealous of Alex (remember him from previous Sea City adventures?), especially cause he thinks that M.A. and Alex are getting all kinds of hurricane close. And he welcomes Mary Anne back to Stoneybrook with a horse and carriage. Cause he's thirteen. [Coincidentally, one of his busboy coworkers can help him set it up. Again, he's thirteen!!!! Who's going to hire him, even as a busboy??? It's not legal!!!!]

Claudia: Goes to summer school!!!! Ha ha!!!! And she makes some non-BSC friends that are never heard from again...

Kristy: Rather than forfeit (or attempt to reschedule) her Krushers game (because a bunch of her players are on vacation), she recruits a bunch of kids from her neighborhood to play. And, predictably, they lose.

Yeah. Them's the major points. Now, for everything else...[And there's a lot of crap in this...]

Woo, candy taste test.

The BSC is a success because they're "a well-run organization (also because [they] happen to be nice and charming and responsible)." Charming is not a word I would use for, well, any of the BSC. But especially not Kristy.

"That Friday, for instance, she was wearing ripped cut-off jeans held up by a frayed rope belt, a T-shirt with the collar torn off, hug white socks all bunched around the ankle, and old-fashioned black lace-up shoes. She looked totally cool." I love when Claud rocks the hobo-chic look.

Mary Anne's hair continuity seems to be particularly difficult for the ghostwriters.

"At our Friday meeting she was wearing this white T-shirt that hung practically to her knees (Stacey calls it a "jersey tunic" or something), white stretch pants ("ribbed leggings" [for her pleasure?]) to mid-calf, a tan leather belt over the T-shirt, and leather-strap sandals." Um...sounds flattering?

Also, I would tend to think the "Big D" would be death, not divorce. But I am sort of morbid.

Um, actually, Logan is the jealous type.

Ha, Claud jokes that summer school helped her learn how to count! She's so clever! Cracking jokes about "enducational" experiences. Ha!

Um, they really hold all the summer school classes from all grades in the high school? And the "scary" delinquents actually show for summer school?

Carly, one of Claud's summer school friends does watercolors and pottery. She even has a pottery wheel. Because so many parents would spend that kind of money on their 13-year-old's hobbies.

Dude, you go to the same school, and your school is not that big. It shouldn't be that hard to stay friends, no matter "how strong [your] BSC friendships" are.

This time around, [the pressure's on. You hope for happiness, your hands are scarred...Oops, sorry. Lapsed into Luna for a minute.], the Pikes decide to rent a van and only take one of their station wagons. Cause they're transporting almost the entire BSC back to the 'Brook.

They get all kinds of weepy when they'll be separated for (only) a whole week. They don't even know.

Thanks, Mal. I'm sure Dawn really wants to know about Nicky's puke and the aftermath, just as much as I do. Wait, I don't.

Mal is all "my fam's soooo immature. They're counting people picking their noses in their cars." [Well, not in so many words.] Shut up, Mal. They're fucking children. They're not supposed to be mature.

Woot! Remember car phones?

Heh. Weiner's Wieners. Ah, gotta love a dick joke in a book for young ladies.

Ooh, foreshadowing...The causeway got washed out during a storm "ages ago."

Ever notice how the BSCers really like moms who are pretty? According to Stacey, Mrs. Barrett "is, like, stunning. She seems younger than a lot of moms. She wears the coolest clothes, which look great on her incredible Cosmo-model figure. Her hair is a gorgeous chestnut color, with natural curls that spill to her shoulders." Yep, she must be a good person, cause she looks like she could be a model in, of all things, Cosmo.

You'd think these dumb bitches would figure out that none of their carefully planned activities for large groups of children will ever go off with out a hitch. They seem soooooo surprised that things go all wonky. When large groups of kids are involved. Dumbasses.

Apparently, I really should read The Lorax.

Charlotte is the most serious and mature kid that Dawn knows, so she shouldn't ever lose her shit? She's, what, 8? Even if she's mature and serious, she should still laugh.

Wow, an 8-year-old having panic attacks?

Bart "is seriously cute. He has deep brown eyes. His smile is a little crooked, and his hair looks naturally as if he just stepped out of a stylist's." He sounds like he's in a boy band.

Gotta love the rich kid names. Um, they call S. Emerson Pinckney IV "Quad" because he's the fourth, and quad means 4. And P. Archibald Pinckney, or "Moon." Um, aren't they a little young to do the first initial and middle name thing? Wouldn't they do the first and middle? Or just the middle? Why the initial? Did ANM use the last name Nofziger in some other book?

Blah, Margo tries to charge admission to a tide pool.

I hate the "clever" store names.

Mmmm, falafel. Though the sauce usually isn't the dominant smell.

Dawn's just makin' shit up in her ghost story.

Completing summer school doesn't make you not stupid. Just sayin'.

Kristy, rescheduling a game isn't quitting.

Um, they're letting Logan and Mary Anne stay in the same house for the weekend, without any real adult supervision. And Richard's okay with that? My ass. He won't even let Logan go in the house with Mary Anne when no adults are home. You'd think he would've had to stay with the Barretts and the Harrises, especially since he's leaving with the Harrises.

They have a fucking BSC "meeting." Cause heaven forbid they just hang out like normal girls.

Jealous Logan thinks Alex's looks are "solid."

The stuffed penguin is the most realistic part of this illustration:

These bitches know entirely too much about I Love Lucy.

Everyone can be competitive at mini golf, not just boys.

"I have red hair and freckles to begin with, so I look like a ripe, hairy tomato when I blush." Tell me again why Toby thinks Mal's cute...

And suddenly Mal's "in love" with Toby. Ben who?

Lameass circus.

"He'd draw inward, which isn't like Logan at all." Actually, it is. These girls are so fucking deluded about Logan's personality.

I hate the stupid little kid insults. Fucking stupid.

Claud's just jocking about dying in the hurrycan.

Fucking Claud. She's worried about what clothes to bring while they're being evacuated. "I was wearing the only long pants I had packed, these overdyed navy jeans. I was also wearing a loose black cotton sweater over a white tank top. [Um, dark navy and black? And, again, it's fucking August, storm or not.] So if I packed my big purple Hawaiian shorts, which were the next warmest pants, I'd be stuck having to wear an orange striped shirt, which was the only long-sleeved one I'd brought. Unless I wore the sweater again over it..." I tend to over pack, but that's fucking redonk.

Dude, they don't have Marnie in a car seat during the evacuation?!?!?

"And there was certainly nothing normal about being stranded on an island at sea." Um, except it kind of is, for the BSC.

And, of course, Karen lets us know how the hurricane rolls through Stoneybrook.

Buddy decides his mom is cool. That might change when all his friends hang at his place because they all drool over her "Cosmo-model" figure.

I really don't like picturing this: "Remember when we went into the haunted house, and the lights went out? I pulled you close. You put your arms around my shoulder. We turned to each other and started to kiss." Yep, M.A. will be the first girl in their class to "go all the way."

"Claudia found me a pair of barrettes in the shape of flamingoes--but cool, not corny-looking. Then we bought about ten tiny buttons with pictures on them. The faces included Virginia Woolf, Jimi Hendrix, Stephen Hawking [the fuck?], and Janis Joplin, but Claud didn't know who any of them were. She just picked them because they looked 'funky.'" I doubt Mal knows most of those, either. Um, and spell check says that it's spelled flamingos. And they're always kinda corny looking.

Mal's big date outfit: "I ended up choosing a short, flared, white-on-blue polka-dotted skirt (mine); a white, ribbed tanktop (Jessi's); and a long, royal-blue men's shirt with the tails tied in front (Claudia had run to her room for that)...We carefully placed some of the buttons we'd bought on the tanktop." Dude, tank top is either two words or a hyphenate. Is Jessi the only one with a wife beater? And why would you put the buttons on the tank, not the shirt worn over the tank???? The illustrator agrees with me:

Mal's pretty fickle, if she hasn't thought about Ben once. And how much could she really like him if that's the case?

"Aloiv." Fucking fake Aussie accent.

Dude, Stacey is updating her dad on her friends' love lives. For real?

The book totally ends with Toby scamming for Jessi's address!!!!!

Holy fucking crap this book sucked big time.

Not sure what's coming up next week...

I adore being in charge; or, BSC #24: Kristy and the Mother's Day Surprise

2007-08-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

This book really should've been called "Kristy and the Mom Jeans." Cause check these babies out:

Plus, she looks like she's wearing tons of blush. All the little kiddies look a little crazy.

The gist: The BSC, in their complete lack of wisdom, decide to take a small army of children for a day as a special Mother's Day gift for a bunch of Stoneybrook moms, including a few of their own. See, it all starts cause they're all (except poor, poor Mary Anne) stumped for Mom's Day presents. So, they coordinate with Stoneybrook's perfect fathers to arrange a shindig for the day before Mother's Day...Dad's drop off kids & lunches at Claud's. BSC-ers (+Stacey, who comes to visit JUST TO HELP WITH THIS THING!!!!) and kids then head off to Sudsy's Carnival (which is in a local parking lot) until lunch. Then Mr. Kishi & the Mimi bring all the lunches to the playground where all the kiddies and sitters eat and play for a little while. Then they all go to Claudia's backyard for stories and crafty goodness.

Oh, and Watson and Elizabeth keep talking about another brother or sister. All the Watson-Brewer clan think that Lizzie's knocked up. But, in the real Mother's Day surprise [gag me gently with a chainsaw], they adopted a Vietnamese baby! A two-year-old! And they'll name her Emily Michelle! And they don't even have to go to Vietnam to pick her up! Ah, happy ending.

[I don't get why they adopted a Vietnamese baby, specifically. It seems a little overly complicated. Like, why not just any baby? Why not a Chinese girl? This book was written 14 years after the end of the Vietnam War, so it's not even like she could've been a war baby. And I know there were refugees from Vietnam into the mid-80s, but...I don't know. Again, it just seems so needlessly specific. It is a book for pre-teens anyway, they wouldn't know how hard it would be to adopt any baby, why not just have a orphan from Stamford? Anyway...enough of me trying to fathom out ANM's lack of logic...]

Insanity checklist:

Worst opening line ever? "I've been thinking about families lately, wondering what makes one." Way to smack us in the face with the moral of the story before it's even been told.

Also, "Nannie, Mom's mother, lives all by herself. But I still think of her as a family--a one-person family...I guess." Um, she's a part of your family, dumbass. Families don't have to live in the same house. In fact, they often don't. When Charlie goes away to college, is he out of the fam? Cause that's weak.

Dawn's tan in the summer, freckly the rest of the year. Also known as skin cancer in the making.

"And her clothes are casual and as individualistic as she is. She likes to wear layers of things--a short tank top over a long tank top, or socks over tights. Dawn is pretty cool." Damn, I'm going to have to stop layering now. Except mine's mainly functional. Plus, that doesn't seem particularly different from how any of the other BSCers dress. So, perhaps not terribly individualistic after all?

"And then there's my real father...But no, he doesn't count. Somebody who never writes, never calls, never remembers your birthday, never says he loves you, doesn't count at all." Gotta love when Kristy gets heavy like this. And why is she this bitter only when it serves to further the plot? Huh?

No, Kristy, a visor doesn't make you look like you're in charge. It makes you look like you have a summer job at an off-track betting establishment.

I love how they always have to add how nice Stacey is, like it's crazy rare to be both sophisticated and nice. Especially when it seems like the only sophisticated person they've ever met is Stacey.

Blah, comparing the BSC to family. Blah, they're really different but they do nice things for each other. Blah. Thank you, Captain Obvious, for telling me what to think.

Mother's Day is very awkward for Mary Anne. Did you know she doesn't have a mom? Also, her "best friend" Kristy forgets about that until somebody starts saying something about Mom's Day and Mary Anne gets all weird. I guess she's just not a sensitive as M.A. [Also, this whole thing seems really forced. While I see the point of including this, it's just awkward.]

Apparently, Charlie has quite the way with the ladies.

Oh, I hated that whole "Your epidermis is showing" joke.

ANM always included these songs that I had never heard of. Anyone else?

Elizabeth had Charlie right after she graduated from college. That took some planning, I'm sure.

I seriously, seriously doubt that a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old would be soooo fucking cool with the idea of their mom getting preggers. Not least of all because that would be physical evidence of their mother having sex. And the little kids are all anti-baby. I think maybe she got it backwards. Cause I really doubt the teenagers would be so chillaxed about the whole deal.

Also, I don't care if you love babies, Kristy. You don't want one "in [your] house, twenty-four hours a day."

Part of Kristy's logic for the big Mother's Day gift? "And I thought, what would a mom like more than anything else? Then the answer came to me--not to be a mom for a while." She gets that, but she doesn't get why she might not want a fucking baby around the house?

Oooh, outfits! "Mallory, with her new short haircut, was sitting on the floor, leaning against Claud's bed. She was wearing jeans with zippers up the bottoms of the legs, and a sweat shirt that said STONEYBROOK MIDDLE SCHOOL across the front. In her new pierced ears were tiny gold hoops." Nice...I'm totally picturing acid-washed jeans. And that's a really grown-up sweatshirt, Mal. Just sayin'.

"Jessi was wearing matching hoops (I think she and Mal had gone shopping together), a purple dance leotard, and jeans. Over the leotard she was wearing a purple-and-white striped shirt, unbuttoned." Ah, remember when you and your best friend had to have matching shit?

We're not done yet..."Mary Anne's hair was pulled back in a ponytail and held in place with a black-and-white checkered bow that matched the short skirt she was wearing. Around her neck was a chain and dangling from it were gold letters that spelled out Mary Anne."

"Dawn was wearing a necklace, too, only hers said I'M AWESOME. [If you have to tell people you're awesome, YOU'RE REALLY FUCKING LAME!!!! Also, I'm totally reminded of that fake commercial on SNL where Will Ferrell's selling a hat that says "I'm #1" or something to that extent. Anyone remember what it said exactly? And wasn't there a necklace at the end that said something for women???] ... Also she was wearing a fairly tame dress, but on her feet were plaid high-top sneakers." Ooh, crazy. She's so unique.

"Then there was Claudia. She was wearing a pretty tame dress, too--with a red necktie! Then, she had on these new, very cool roll socks. When she pushed them down just right, they fell into three rolls. The top roll was red, the middle one was peacock blue, and the bottom one was purple. She looked as if she were wearing ice-cream cones on her feet. In her hair was a braided band in red, blue and purple, like her socks. And dangling from her ears were--get this--spiders in webs." My 10th grade English teacher would've bitchslapped ANM for using so much fucking passive sentence structure. Why not "She wore spiders in webs dangling from her ears?" The way she says it is so fucking boring and awkward.

Claud "babbysat" again. And "printinding" for pretending doesn't even make sense...I can kinda get behind transposing letters or spelling things phonetically. But making words that don't even look close to how they sound is just retarded.

I also hate how ANM tries to be all clever by making little kids screw up the words to songs. Always annoyed the piss out of me.

When M.A. suggests inviting Jenny Prezzioso, Kristy keeps saying, "Ew." The fuck? The most prissy-ass kid on the planet is hardly skeeving her out. I can understand a less than joyful reaction, but seriously, couldn't she think of anything better than ew?

I also have a really hard time believing that Stacey's super-psyched about her first trip back to the 'Brook is an unpaid sitting extravaganza. Also, her parents are cool with her not being in New York for most of Mother's Day?

Claud illustrates the invites, and it shows a harried mom and a relaxed mom. How dreadfully clever.

I agree with you Kristy. "The members of the Baby-sitters Club would like to give our special moms a special gift" is dead corny.

I know I uttered the phrase "he's gorgeous" when I was 13, but I don't really think a 13-year-old boy can really be gorgeous. Plus, either go out with Bart or don't, Kristy. This whole "we sort of like each other" thing is boring.

"A math test with an E on the top?" What the hell kind of grade is E? Is it some fake-y grade between D and F to make kids feel better about themselves while still failing?

They're taking care of 21 fucking kids of different ages for an entire day. They really are fucking crazy.

Actually, Jessi, I think it would be weirder if you knew Stacey and slept in her old bedroom.

Foreshadowing of the McGill divorce!!!

Stacey got a haircut: "I went to this really punk place and told the guy not to make it too punk." Why go to a punk place, then? Why not go somewhere sophisticated? Huh?

Wow, Claud hasn't made a new best friend since Stacey left, what, a few months ago? Shocking!

"I try hard not to be bossy, but after all, I am the president." Wow. Someone's a little full of herself.

Mal: "Dad loves little kid. Why do you think there are eight of us?" Tiff: "Cause your mom lost her diaphragm? She's never heard of the pill?"

To rememberize: "to remember something really well." Why does that need a special word? That's not what Urban Dictionary says it means, anyway.

More outfits? Yes, please! "Stacey, however, put on a tight-fitting pink jumpsuit over a white T-shirt, lacy white socks, and those plastic shoes. What are they called--jellies? And Claudia wore a pale blue baggy shirt over black and blue leopard-spotted pants that tied in neat [as in cool? or as in tidy?] knots at her ankles. On her feet she wore purple high-tops. And they both wore all this jewelry and these accessories, like big, big earrings, and headbands with rosettes on them, and nail polish. Claudia even wore her snake bracelet." Wow. Practical outfits for chasing small children around.

I hate the whole "Stacey can't stand the sight of barf" thing. Like anyone particularly likes looking at puke? I understand some people are pussies and run away rather than helping their drunk, puking friends, but it's not really something that needs to be explicitly stated.

Blah, let's turn Jackie R. into a walking joke again.

And more stupid public domain songs.

Claud helps the BSCers who don't have younger sibs to make personalized brooches for Mom's Day. Yay.

And Mary Anne decides to give her dad a Mother's Day gift (a book, because it's hard to buy for a man). I can't believe she never thought of that before.

Conveniently, Watson explains to Andrew what adoption is off-screen.

I have always remembered Dawn's weird made up lyrics to "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

For some reason, the book changes to present tense when describing Emily. [Why is she Emily sometimes and Emily Michelle sometimes?] It's really fucking weird.

And that's that! Hoorah! It's done!

[Before the hate mail starts, I'm not making fun of Mary Anne's lack of a mother or the fact that some girls may have identified with her Mother's Day awkwardness. I'm just making fun of the way that ANM just kind of throws it in there but never really deals with it...See?]

Don't know what I'm doing for next week. We'll all have to be surprised, I guess...

I hate being called "miss"; or, BSC #25: Mary Anne and the Search for Tigger

2007-07-29T19:11:00.000-05:00

There is so very much wrong with this book. Starting with the spandex that Mary Anne's wearing on the cover:

Yeah, that's classy. I have always thought that she looks like Punky Brewster here. And I can't figure out if those kids are supposed to be Pikes or what. And check out the size of the tongues on Logan's hightops...Oh, yeah. Hawt.

Plot. Sure, I suppose it has one. Mary Anne leaves Tigger outside during a BSC meeting, and he goes missing! So, the BSC search for him and plaster the neighborhood with posters and offer a reward for a whopping $30. And M.A. gets a mysterious note from someone claiming to have Tigger. So the BSC set up a sting (of course, no adults are involved), and catch the perp, who turns out to be a greedy little kid that M.A. had talked to while she was hanging up posters. Finally, turns out that Logan's kid sister Kerry has been hiding Tigger in her room, aggravating Hunter's already terrible allergies. Oh, and Mary Anne and Logan aren't getting along too well. He's snappy and distant, and she's a doormat. What's new? Seriously, aren't they a little too new into their relationship to be having problems like this already? Huh? Oh, but they make up.

Anyhoo...

Time to get nitpicky...So, on the cover, Tigger's bowl says "Tigger" on it. It includes the quotes. Kinda like the "Spring Fling" sign on the cover of Stacey Loves Wes or whatever it's called. Why? Did someone take a pitch too literally? Like, 'So, for the cover art, she's holding a bowl that says "Tigger" on it...' And the cover painter didn't even think to leave the quotes off..

The only thing more boring than listening to people talk about mundane pet details is reading about them talking about mundane pet details.

Apparently, M.A. drops mad cash on toys for Tigger, cause he loses them all. "Thank goodness I earn lots of money baby-sitting." Yes. Thank goodness. I feel so much better now.

"They go out with other people, too, but when Dawn's mom has a date with my dad, she puts on all this makeup and checks her clothes twenty times and then asks Dawn to check her clothes again. And my dad puts on after-shave that smell like the dentist's office [the fuck????] and gets nervous and can barely speak to me. Then they go somewhere together." I don't remember any other references to Richard dating other women. And what kind of aftershave smells like the dentist's office? And why would someone as fussy as Richard put it on his face????

Heh. "Logan is basically my boyfriend, and he is incredible in every way. He's incredible-looking and incredibly nice and incredibly thoughtful and, well, incredibly incredible." And he's an incredible prick. Seriously, he's an ass in this book. Not nice, not thoughtful, certainly not "incredible."

"Claud mixes and matches the weirdest stuff and comes up with the coolest outfits. Like a loose blouse with a fake coat of arms on it worn over a very short black skirt. Around her waist, a scarf. On her feet, short black boots. Dangling from her ears, dinosaurs." In her sentence structure, awkwardness. Seriously! Also, does it matter if a coat of arms is fake? And how does she know it's fake, anyway?

I always forget that Jessi needs reading glasses.

Gotta love fake product names: Doctor Herkie's Flea Tonic. And King Kat Liver 'n' Beef.

Mary Anne calls Claud's room a "rat hole." Heh. It's gotta be. After all, messy craft supplies, junk food and wrappers all over the place, you know there are crumbs abso-fucking-lutely everywhere, and that doesn't even count the clothes and shit lying around.

OH MY FUCKING SHUT THE HELL UP! "Lummy fummy dummy fuff ooeey" is, apparently, what "looking for Double Stuf Oreos" sounds like when muffled by a bed. Sure.

Kristy gets bitchface when the girls get personal calls during meetings.

Also, none of the BSC have sat for the Bruno kids before this point? For real?

Richard's pretty smart. If Logan comes over when he's not home, he's not allowed in the house. So, M.A. and Loverboy spend a lot of time sitting on her stoop (or porch or yard--details are kinda lacking in this one) in this book.

Mary Anne has a healthy paranoia about getting caught breaking rules.

Mary Anne thinks about her cat more than she thinks about her boyfriend. I'm thinking spinster-in-the-making.

Logan won't even talk about sports, but M.A. can't pick up on the fact that something might be off...Cause she's sensitive. Or something.

Hee!!! At one point while M.A. and Logan are sitting outside, a bunch of neighborhood kids come over to play with the kitten, and Logan says "Overrun with kids!!!!" Yes!!!! Vaguely normal 13-year-old boy (or girl, for that matter) behavior!!!!!

Oh, I remember M.A.'s little lecture about whether or not milk is good for cats.

I think Mary Anne might be even more of a paranoid worrier than me! I didn't think that was possible, even from a fictional character!

Someone who cares less about their sanity than I do should count the number of times the word Tigger (or some variant of that) appears in this book. Cause, a lot.

Hate hate hate the "allergy" dialect. HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!

I think it's funny that I never remember that Logan had curly hair. I think it's cause he always has straight hair on the covers. And in the illustrations. Huh.

So, Hunter's room is like a sterile, bare prison cell. Fun!

Hunter has so many allergies, I feel like I'm being set up for a joke. He's like Kyle (2)'s cousin Kyle on South Park, minus the Judaism. And, you know, Southern. He's even got a stack of food allergies, including wheat and milk. What, no nuts?

Yes, a missing pet equals...say it with me...an emergency meeting of the BSC!!!!!! Whoopee.

So, instead of putting an actual picture of Tigger on the posters, they have Claud make a drawing of Tigger based on a stack of photos. The fuck?

When Kristy starts to get an idea, she starts wriggling like a puppy. I think she might need to get that checked out. But who am I to judge? I dance to songs in my head.

"Answers to the name of Tigger." Nothing'll bring him back like old-timey sayings.

I really don't need a detailed description of a fucking hamster. Sure, it's cute. Most rodents are. But I don't care!!!!!

M.A. gets pissed cause Logan thinks the following statement is a bit overdramatic: "I think that this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me." 'Kay, Mary Anne? Your mom died. And you think that your kitten going missing is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? Can't believe I'm agreeing with a dicklicker like Logan.

Hee. I blame these books for some of my weird verbal ticks. For years, I used the word "gaped" entirely too much, mainly because I read it sooooo many times in this series.

Um, you'd think someone as attached to her could kitten would've, I don't know, gotten tags to put on his collar?

Ew. "The lavender overalls [Lucy had] worn in the morning were covered with milk, grape juice, and mashed banana." Did the baby sleep in that shit? And that must smell monumentally rank.

The so-called ransom note: "If you want to see your cat alive again, leave $100 in an envelope on the big rock in Brenner Field at 4:00 tomorrow afternoon." Sociopathic kid has better spelling than Claudia. Hee.

Again, why on earth wouldn't they call the cops or at least somebody's parents???? Sure, they think it's from a kid, but how the fuck do they know? Dumbasses.

I hate how awkward meetings are when Logan's there. He's a thirteen-year-old boy. I really don't think he'd mind you talking about your bras. Hell, twenty-whatever-year-old guys certainly don't mind. In fact, they rather enjoy it.

Heh. Logan tells Mary Anne she's acting like a girl.

Adults will get in the way. Yeah, not they might be able to help. Whatever.

And the entire neighborhood knows about the ransom note. Awesomely responsible, scaring a bunch of kids.

Yeah, Logan's being an ass cause he's having some trouble with baseball. Apparently, he's sucking it up so hard, he's gonna get cut.

Lameass Kristy and her attempts to disgust her friends. Classy.

Um, yeah. Logan can't really pull off the bad cop role.

Claud "babbysat." Cause she's a fucking idiot. And she thought it was "Elbow Presley" for years...but she doesn't say when she figured it out.

Also, Claud wonders if Tigger's dead. And she wonders it in the club notebook.

Yay! Nantucket Nectars Half & Half makes me happy!

Oh, the fucking allergy talk just drives me up the fucking wall...Cancelling out all the good feelings from the Half & Half...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!

Mary Anne thinks that Logan knew that Kerry had the cat. And if he knew, "then we couldn't be friends anymore." And she's all worked up about it.

When she decides to talk to him about it, she brings him cookies and soda. I guess she's trying to make things special? Or pleasant? I have no idea.

"Logan took a soda and drank about half the glass in one gulp. How do boys do that? I mean, without exploding from the carbonation." Okay...Of all the "boys are weird" things to pick on?

Aw, "And you're my Mary Anne...I could never hurt you. Not on purpose. I couldn't lie to you. Don't you know that?" Isn't he sweet?

They can't kiss cause the neighbors are watching!!!!

And...Mary Anne brings Tigger to the next BSC meeting. Why??? How does nobody mind??? And how do none of the BSCers have cat allergies? And would M.A. really want to bring her precious kitten to a rat hole?

I'm not even going to bother with the fucking retarded ending. Let me put it this way. If it were a sitcom, it would end with a freeze frame of everyone laughing.

Yep. That's that...

No clue what I'm doing next week...Maybe there will be more outfits. We can only hope.

Feelings are weird; or, BSC #72: Dawn and the We [Heart] Kids Club

2007-07-23T22:03:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking shit! This one is abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. I literally can't stop fucking swearing about it. [Big surprise there, right?]

First of all, there's this cover:

Who's who? I can't tell, other than the brunette young'un. And at a money place like that? Why the fuck are they on those broke-ass lounge chairs? Did somebody blow all the money on the waterfall in the background and the phone line by the pool? Plus, one of these bitches is wearing slouch socks...outside...with a bathing suit...while pouring tanning oil!!! Plus, I spy...some awkward tan lines. And they're all majorly sunburned.

As for the plot, damn is it convoluted. Seriously, there's all kinds of stuff going on that's only sorta related to everything else. The major points:

The local (that's Palo City, for those just tuning in) newspaper and the local TV news team profile the We [Heart] Kids Club, drumming up both business and jealousy (by way of Miss Kristin Amanda Thomas. That's her full name, right?).

Carol & Mr. Schafer announce their engagement, causing Dawn to freak out and FUCKING RUN AWAY BACK TO CONNECTICUT BY STEALING HER DAD'S CREDIT CARD NUMBER!!!!!!!

Dawn feels rejected and unwelcome in both Palo City home and Stoneybrook home.

Dawn thinks Stephie thinks of Dawn has her mother. Or something. But Stephie def wants a mommy.

Kristy goes on a media blitz, but it doesn't work.

Nicky Pike loves his brothers, even as he hates them. [How very, very deep.]

Dawn kind of resigns herself to Carol, but then Carol & the Schaf call it quits.

I think that's all the major stuff.

Righty, then. Another list:

Did you know that schools in Cali don't have bells? And nobody ever needs a coat? And that all teachers are easy-going? Yeah, me neither. Guess I really missed out. Fuckin' a. Decrying stereotypes even as she reinforces them.

Dawn's Cali school is called Vista.

I don't necessarily think being bicoastal sounds particularly glamorous. 'Kay?

"Vegetable chips are the best. They're like potato chips, except they're made with carrots and parsnips and sweet potatoes and other great stuff...Okay, stop gagging. I just happen to like natural foods." ARGH! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You can actually like both potato chips and veggie chips. AND it's not like she's comparing pork rinds and, like, sprouts. She's really just talking about two different kinds of fried veggies.

Heh, Logan calls Dawn "Runs With Squirrels." Cause of the health foods. Heh.

"Having best friends on both coasts in pretty fantastic." Except not. Being far away from your best friend sucks giant donkey balls. I don't care if you have other people around to distract you. Dumbass.

Why have meetings at all? What do they do at meetings if they don't have regular meetings? I'm so confused!

Stephie's nanny's looking hawt: "Joanna came in, dressed in a short fringed skirt and a tight-fitting beaded top, her dark hair pulled back in a sleek, elegant style." Somebody's ho-ing it up for her birthday date!

Ah, yes, Stephie's tragic asthma.

Oh, yeah. I forgot Jeff spends like the whole fucking book telling really terrible jokes.

Carol's "young and tries to be hip." Which, Dawn tells us, is both good and bad. How fantastically fucking specific.

Carol uses the word bodacious. Heh.

Yes, Dawn has the lightest hair, and Sunny has strawberry-blonde hair.

When did Dawn start to like surfing?

Ah, they do not mock the hippies enough for my taste. ["I ated too much hippie pie."]

Apparently, Maggie has a movie mogul dad, and, as Dawn keeps mentioning, she had dinner with Keanu Reeves. Wow. [Incidentally, I would love to have dinner with Mr. Reeves, and I'd totally badger him with quotes from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.]

Oh, and "Maggie has the coolest look (which is constantly changing). Her hair is short and punkish, with a thin tail in back. She usually streaks it purple or green or black. Her fashion sense runs toward leather bomber jackets [in L.A.? where it's too warm for jackets in the winter, according to Dawn?] and lace-up black boots." Punk rock. Or, like, baby punk rock.

"Even though he's a carnivore and a jock, I like him. He talks in this cute Kentucky accent, and he's great-looking." Well, I like him already. Oh, wait, she's talking about Logan.

A whole wheat cracker with cashew butter. Yum! Oh, wait, is that supposed to be an example of "weird" health food? Later, there's all this talk about Thai food, and I might have to hit up my fave Thai joint this weekend, just because of that.

The journalist from the paper? "She had short brown hair, a friendly smile, and was wearing a beautiful cotton cardigan over a white T-shirt and gray stirrup slacks. She could have been a college student." Wow, I, uh, stirrup slacks? Also, that's not what college kids in 1994 were wearing, as far as I can tell. Dude, middle of grunge. All I'm saying.

Journalist used to baby-sit through college. Because she went to a college without a library. Or student office workers. Or any other fucking job on campus. I guess.

The photographer, Lance? He was "a hunk. He was in his twenties, dressed in black, with dark brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, and the deepest, most luscious eyes..." Sounds dreamy. Except for the ponytail.

I can't even begin to describe the treacly article. Puff piece.

They're all acting like they're famous movie stars after they're on the news for an entire 4 minutes.

How can you have an early dinner when it's pitch-dark out? In New Hampshire, in the dead of winter, it's dark by 4:30, 4:45. So, let's say you eat at 5. That's really not a terribly early dinner. Might be early for you, but still. It's California. It stays light later there all year round. Ugh. Leaps of logic.

Dawn thinks she looks wide and pale on TV.

Sunny doesn't realize that she's using last year's calendar. But they make fun of Sharon. And Claudia. Hmm.

The whole "Kristy's jealous" story got wicked old wicked fucking fast.

And, according to this book, Kristy and Dawn never really got past the whole sharing Mary Anne thing.

Yes, Stephie, sisters forget just as much as anyone. And Dawn's not really your sister.

"Mrs. DeWitt is tall and thin, with huge brown eyes and a wonderful smile. She's an actress..." Blah. In what world are there all these model-type moms and actress moms. They never describe the dumpy moms, or the mom-jeans.

"Carol was wearing a dress, with a big, colorful [what colors????] beret in her red hair--and makeup, which is very unusual for her." So many details, it hurts.

After announcing the engagement, they have champagne, even Jeff & Dawn. Ooooh, I'm calling Child Protective Services!

Oh, heaven forbid! Carol doesn't use chopsticks to eat Thai food! And she uses environmentally suspect paper towels to clean up spills! She's a horrible, horrible bitch.

SHE STOLE HER DAD'S FUCKING CREDIT CARD TO BUY PLANE TICKETS!!!!! I don't care if she feels guilty, bitch doesn't feel guilty enough.

And she takes an hour-long cab ride, then is shocked by the price.

"And it was so easy. I've never felt so independent in my life." Well, sweetheart, you should be feeling like the little fuckwit you are. Stupid bitch. Don't be all pleased with yourself, you did a really terrible thing.

And she was surprised that her dad called the cops. And she was pissed that she had to go back the next day. That's a really fucking expensive temper tantrum.

Mary Anne sleeps in L.L. Bean.

Dawn is also surprised that things are weird and unhappy after she gets back.

Pensive Dawn = BORING.

Oh, and the We [Heart] Kids Club gets a little more organized. Cause they had to tie back into the title of the fucking book.

A break in the fighting and Jeff asks Dawn if Carol & Father Schafer killed each other! Active imagination, that one.

Yes, Dawn, you are a spoiled baby.

The end.

Anyone else appalled by this one?

Next week, probably Mary Anne and the Search for Tigger.

Like most best friends they're different in some ways...; or, BSC #40: Claudia and the Middle School Mystery

2007-07-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

What mystery? Argh!!!! I'll come back to this...

First, let's talk about this:

I love the look on Cheatie McCheaterson's face. Claud's all "I have no idea, I look like an idiot." But Cheatie's like "Ha, ha...you're busted."

Also, Claud's outfit is not at all outrageous. And it's nothing like the outfit she wore to take the test. It's actually kinda how my mom used to dress in the late 70s. Plus, Mr. Zorzi? Totally looks like his name.

Alrighty, then. The "plot." So, Claud studies really hard for a math test (with Stacey and Janine), and gets an A-. But... Shawna Riverson (super-popular and over-involved in extra-curriculars) got the same grade and made the exact same mistakes, and then the teacher accuses Claudia of cheating. So, the BSC take it upon themselves to prove that Shawna's the Cheat. I mean, the cheater. [The Cheat is way to cool to make a cameo in this series.] And Claud follows Shawna & friends into the bathroom, where they talk about how & why Shawna cheated. And because of a mix-up (and a major coincidence), Dawn knows the combination for Shawna's locker, so they go through it looking for evidence. Which they find, but Claud realizes they can't use, cause, well, they fucking stole it. Finally, Janine helps out by talking to the principal or the vice principal or whoever, and convinces them to let Claudia prove herself. Which she does by "acing" a test with little or no prep time. And when Shawna is offered the same opportunity, she breaks down and confesses. And Claud gets the good grade and all is happy!!!!!! I cannot contain my joy. Or something.

Subplot: The Pike triplets break their fourth window in three months, but they won't narc on each other, so they're all kindsa punished until Mal convinces them to reenact the event, and they're all equally not-at-fault or something. Boring.

Before I start the listy goodness, I need to go off. If I may, THIS IS NOT A FUCKING MYSTERY!!!!!! THEY KNOW WHO DID IT, THEY KNOW HOW, THEY EVEN KNOW WHY (fairly early on)!!!!!!!! It's a problem, sure. A situation. But it is not a fucking mystery!!!! I know, semantics, I'm picky, whatever. Somebody's gotta have my back here. They're not solving a whodunnit! They're being idiot kids, but they're not solving any mysteries whatsoever. Anyway...

Claud hates the name Gertrude. Is it the name? Or just because it's in a word problem? [I used to have an alter-ego name Gertrude. She was German. And she smoked cigarettes in a very peculiar manner. I have pictures. That all but one or two of you will never see.]

Seriously, where did they come up with the name Zorzi?

"Janine would be happy wearing the same white blouse, plaid skirt, red cardigan, and flat shoes every day." I still say that sounds way cuter than 98.5% of Claud's outfits.

What, you might be wondering, did Claud wear for her test? Glad you asked..."I thought I'd start with my lucky earrings--the ones that look like Princess Di's. They're huge (pretend) emeralds, surrounded by thousands of tiny (phony) diamonds. Then I thought I'd work downward from there, wearing my new green-and-blue-tie-dyed T-shirt dress (the casualness of the dress would be an interesting contrast to those fancy earrings) over green leggings." Um, hawt? [Hey, RNL, if the Painkiller costumes don't come together, I can wear this, and you can dress up as a long-term substitute teacher for Halloween. And you can go around accusing me of cheating. Or we can challenge people to fight as though we were wearing the Painkiller costumes. Suitable backup plan?]

Watson is only one of Stoneybrook's millionaires. Where did all the money come from? Can I have some?

I love how they always make a crazy big deal about how Mary Anne has two best friends.

Okay, Dawn is not mellow. Like, ever. Granted, she's not as ball-of-neuroses as me, but the girl turns everything into dramarama. She's the one who suggests breaking into Shawna's locker, after all...and can't decide if she wants to live in Cali or the 'Brook. And don't get her started on the environment.

Heh. Mal & Jessi are younger, "but they're pretty cool."

Eleven is a hard age? Shut up. I'm beginning to think there are no easy ages, but I'm really sick of hearing how hard it is to be 11.

When I took tests, our books had to be under our desks, not next to them on the floor.

Aw, Claud gets embarrassed by her spelling. But not embarrassed enough to do anything about it, it seems. Maybe her friends need to intervene with a little ridicule.

Claudia never really defends herself when she's accused. She's all dumbfounded, but she's never like "I didn't cheat. Period. It wasn't me."

And, of course, the teacher just believes Ms. Popular. As I prolly would, too. Cause it's like the highest grade Claud's ever gotten. Plus, who would ever cheat off Claudia? Really. That was sheer luck on Shawna's part, even if she heard Janine was helping Claud study.

And why didn't Claud tell her parents the story right off the bat? Why not just get them on her side from the start? Plus, you always get in less trouble if they hear it from you first.

The "popcorn-y smell of tacos?" Really?

Also, the fuck? Claud won't let her parents talk to the principal. Why not? I'm not all for parents getting involved in every little thing, but being falsely accused? Let them help, for fuck's sake. Some things are bigger than a 13-year-old.

They're all whining about how mean Mr. Zorzi is. Oh, poor babies.

I kinda laughed when Shawna's all "I don't even have to feel bad about it. It doesn't even matter to her that she's getting an F." And Claud's all outraged or whatever, but really? That's how it looks when you roll over and take it...

How disgusting can a sprouts on wheatberry-bread sandwich look? It's greens on bread. Shut up about the health food...

Heh. Claud goes through this elaborate act to prove Shawna cheated, and she just winds up looking even more like a cheater.

I think I need a button that says "If you can read this, you are a cheater and you might as well admit it!" Only I'll wear it to professional conferences and meetings and such. Just to fuck with people.

They're all trying to think of ways to get Shawna to confess. Instead of Claud standing up for herself to the people in charge. Dumbasses.

Claud decides to not care anymore. Cause that works.

And she decides to dress crazy and thematically, like Ms. Frizzle (from the Magic School Bus books). Her outfit? "I decided my theme for the day would be The Sea. I put on a blue skirt with brightly colored tropical fish printed all over it. Then I put on a green blouse. I figured that could represent seaweed or something. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, over to one side, and I pinned it with a sand-dollar barrette I made last summer." And she wears jellies with sea-type stickers all over them. Okay, not really that crazy. It's not like she was wearing plastic fish tied together as a scarf or something...Hmm...

Then she feels like an idiot when she gets called into the principal's office wearing that outfit.

Also, I've always thought "acing" a test means a perfect score. Just saying.

The Kishi's get a giant cake for Claud. For a single A- on a test. Setting the bar high, there.

So, that's that...Again, not sure what I'm doing next week...

***

Okay, this isn't BSC related, strictly speaking. But, if you're in your late 20s, and you used to watch a lot of Nickelodeon, you might find this a little interesting. Yep, that's Big Pete, and Ferguson (from Clarissa), and one of the guys from "Salute Your Shorts." Oh, and Marc Summers (or however the hell you spell his name). Plus, the song's not bad...

Also, slime.

I'm not exactly Doctor Science; or, BSC Mystery #16: Claudia and the Clue in the Photograph

2007-07-08T21:56:00.000-05:00

I'm back!!! Did you miss me? Lots and lots??? I had a decent conference and a great vacation, full of booze and food and soccer and music and Short Attention Span Theater. That's enough of me. What has the BSC been up to while I was away?

Well, to be honest, they have been working on one of the least likely plots I've come across since...yeah.

The cover says a lot...

One: Claud can shlub it up like the rest of us.
Two: Her "darkroom" is sparsely furnished.
Three: I don't miss side ponytails AT ALL.

As for the plot, well, the title is kind of misleading. It starts out with Claud in summer school, taking both math (cause she has to) and photography (cause she wants to). She's all about photography (as in doesn't even think about any of her other artistic talents) in this book, and she's got a darkroom in the bathroom. And Buddy Barrett really misses Dawn or something, so the club decides to figure out a project to lure Dawn back to the 'Brook. (She's on her 6 month visit to Cali at this point. I think. I'm very confused. Big surprise there.) Inspired by this book, they decide to create "A Day in the Life of Stoneybrook." So, all the sitters (except Stacey, cause she'll be New Yorking, and Logan, for some other reason) and a shit-ton of kids are going to take pictures all around Stoneybrook on a Sunday, and they'll assemble them into an album soooooo goooooood that it'll make Dawn want to come back!!!! Or something. Wait, where's the mystery? Right? Right. Well, after all this happens, the BSC hear that the bank was robbed during the time that they were shooting pictures! And Claudia was all kinds of OCD about taking 1500 rolls of film of the bank (well, one and half rolls, but who needs facts when we have hyperbole?). So, Claud studies her pictures looking for clues. And they find two suspects, blah blah blah. Then they study all the pictures taken around the bank and put them all in chronological order blah blah blah. And the pictures provide the final straw that the police need to make the vice president of the bank, Mr. Zibreski, CONFESS!!!! It's like an episode of fucking Law & Order in here! Yeah, I don't really care either.

Bullets!!! And conspiracy theories!!! Or not!!!

Any idea how Claudia is supposed to become a real artist if she keeps switching media?

"First I'd learned how to use a camera--a real camera, not the automatic kind you take snapshots with. And while I hate math, somehow I had no problem figuring out exposures and shutter speeds." One, bad grammar. Two, ooh, a "real" camera! [eyes rolling] Shut up, Claud. Three, somehow I doubt she really picked up on all the technical aspects of photography that quickly, given that she's not just bad at math, she's bad at EVERYTHING.

Dude, the Kishi's are loaded if they can set up a temporary darkroom for a thirteen-year-old that will probably move on to something new by the end of the summer. And chemicals and paper and film? Not cheap.

Janine's a research assistant for the summer, but they keep calling it a "work-study program."

Claudia doesn't really know what her dad does, except that it "has something to do with stocks and bonds and money."

Janine takes offense at the phrase "crunching numbers." I hate that she's written with absolutely zero sense of humor.

"Staring back at me was a medium-height Japanese-American girl with almond-shaped eyes and long, black hair held back by a pink, star-shaped barrette. She wore a silky pink tank top with a man's white shirt tied casually over it, white jeans, and flip-flops decorated with more pink stars." Wow. Wild. And kind of generic. Medium height? What does that mean? Tied casually? LAME!!!

I'm so fucking sick of the whole "Claud's mom wants her to read literature." Seriously, I don't fucking care.

"The Scarlet Pimple?" Not clever.

Claud took some "fashion shots of Stacey acting like a model." A born artist, that one.

The descriptions of developing film and prints actually sounded pretty right on, but my memory might be slightly foggy. It's been ten years since I took photography classes.

Oops. Janine ruins Claud's film. Is it wrong of me to take joy in that???

I really like using too many punctuation marks tonight.

Lamest premise for introducing the members of the BSC? Claud decides to take a picture of each of them as the enter the meeting, and she tries to catch their "essence." Which leads to the standard intro to each of the girls.

"Stacey just got this really cool pair of blue suede clogs." Are those supposed to be sophisticated? Were they ever? Well, I guess it was 1994, height of high-fashion grunge.

Stacey and Robert. I'll actually have to read about that one of these days.

"We had a big fight about that recently, but of course we made up. We always do. That's how best friends operate." Ten bucks says that the fight was resolved without anyone really apologizing or making any changes or even really talking about what's going on. Plus, if I remember correctly, 13-year-old girls are way fickle. Sorry, I'll stop now.

Did you know that plié is "French for, um, bend-the-knee?" Yeah, me neither.

Claud is planning on calling her portrait series "A Portrait of the BSC...And the subtitle would be, My Best Friends." She's among her own best friends, you know.

Did you know that Mrs. Barrett could be a model? Really? Cause they mention it EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE SHOWS UP!!!! Aside from which, what does that even mean? Be specific, ghost writers!!!!

This book actually mentions shit from other books, like Claud's personals and giving Pow to the Pikes. [RNL-I think that "Pow to the Pikes" might be a song that bears would rock out to...Might even make a good video, if you know what I mean.]

"I dressed quickly, in jeans and my Hard Rock Cafe T-shirt (no high fashion today; I was planning to work hard)." Somehow, this doesn't seem to mesh with the Claud we all know and love. You know, the one who dresses up for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING?

Wait, Janine has a boyfriend? Named Jerry? Huh?

Claud wants to "capture the essence" of the bank. Cause, she's not all there, upstairs. Dig? Just kidding. I like taking pictures of buildings, too. I just try not to describe it in such a lameass way.

Billy Blue. Ah, fake pop stars.

Wow. Claud has read her favorite Nancy Drew book, like, four times! Crazy! [Back in the day, I read my favorite BSC books, like 15 times each. I was bookish. Still am, kinda.]

There's this whole thing about bankers' pocket watches. Like, on fobs. Because it's the 1920s. Or something. [Hee!!! I totally have a picture of old-timey BSC in my head right now!!! And it's hilarious!!!!! For me, at least.]

Claud can't spell Charlotte's name. She thinks it's Sharlote. She's been sitting for her for how long now? And read about her how many times in the notebook? [shakes head sadly]

Jamie's OCD in the making: he "kept himself busy counting everything--cracks in the sidewalk, cars in the driveway--everything."

Is it really appropriate for Stacey to carry the BSC treasury around town with her?

Apparently, it is suspicious for a man to wear a dark suit in the summer. There were tons of suspicious men at ALA, then. And in every business and every city.

Aw, the BSC has a friend in the Stoneybrook Police Department. How much do you think the other officers rip on him for his little girls?

What on earth possesses these bitches to think that they can do a better job than the fucking police?

"Maybe the carriage is actually full of moneybags." I just...I...yeah.

So, Stoneybrook's pretty small. Yet none of them have been to Thelma's Cafe downtown? Seriously?

They get bored by the conversation between two men in suits, one of whom is a bank veep. What were they expecting? Talk about the latest teen pop superstar? One of them to confess?

"My feelings about him were more complicated than just a crush. Have you ever had a teacher who really inspired you? A teacher who seemed to believe you were capable of doing anything you put your mind to? A teacher who encouraged you..."

Oh, wait...That's not right...

"That day I'd worn one of my favorite outfits to school: a lacy white shirt with big ruffled sleeves over a deep green leotard, with short blue-jeans skirt and my favorite shoes (at least my favorites that summer): big black clunky boots." Sweetie, big black boots never go out of style. "Since I knew I was going to be in the darkroom, I threw off all my good clothes and pulled on an old pair of shorts and my ancient green Sea City T-shirt."

"Maybe Mr. Zibreski is the head of a big gang..." Blood or Crip? Personally, I think he's more of a Latin King.

Claudia, I don't think you're allowed to say "Duh." Ever.

I really doubt Sergeant Johnson is really going to tell the BSC that Zibreski is a suspect.

I have never rigged up a fake burglar alarm. Not even after my fucking apartment was robbed and my roommate was too scared to sleep there. Yet the BSC set them up ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Claud explains the ATM. Yawn.

Mrs. Kishi uses her birthday as her PIN. Dumbass.

So, the pocket watch is a FAKE!!! Shannon thinks he might be hiding a microchip in it. ["The bad people put a chip in my brain..." Heh.] But it's a key!!! Wow!!

Um, Sergeant Johnson lets the BSC into THE INTERROGATION ROOM WITH A SUSPECT!!!!!! (Sure, he's not happy about it, but THE FUCK!!!!) THAT'S TOTALLY NOT ALLOWED! AND IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL! AND FUCKING STUPID!!! AND WHY?????????

Oh, and it works! He confesses in front of them! Again, the fuck?

Oh, and the book works. I guess. Dawn says she'll be back soon.

Done. The suck.

No idea what I'm doing next week.

***

Also, if you enjoy really funny shit and a lot randomness, check out the new Teen Girl Squad. "Don't you remember health class? You'll microwave the baby!"

It was bye-bye, Stoneybrook, and hello, heartbreak; or, BSC Super Special #14: BSC in the USA

2007-06-17T19:36:00.000-05:00

Wowza. This little present is chock full of insanity. And dramarama. (Unfortunately, not the band.) You want natural disasters? Check. Heavy emotional shit? Check. Unfunny uncle-type humor? Check. "Romance?" Check. Slavery? Check. Horses? Check [rolling my eyes]. Enough of this tease...The cover!

It's fugly. It's shiny silvery with holographic-like stars all over it. Yups. Also, all the girls have really similar features. See?

Aw...Abby=13-year-old PoBal minus the glasses!! Check that hair! Also, why is Mal wearing a fucking horse shirt? Isn't she always begging to be treated more adult? Well then, sweetheart, you might wanna lose the animal clothes until you're a middle-aged soccer mom, at least.

The incredibly unlikely (and mind-numbingly confusing) premise? Let me see if I have this straight...So, Dawn's dad has a friend from New York who needs his RV to be in Palo City [we interrupt this "plot" summary for a brief rant: when the fuck did Anaheim or wherever-real-city mutate into faked-out Palo City? Lame lame lame lame LAME!!!] instead of NY. Or something. So, he's cutting Dawn and Jeff's summer in Stoneybrook short so they can drive across country. Then Kristy tells Watson, and he decides that a cross-country ROAD TRIP!!!!!! would be the perfect Brewer family vacation. And, because he's a fucking moron, he offers to bring along any of Kristy's friends. [Do the other Brewer/Thomas kids ever get jealous that Kristy's friends always get to tag along? Oh, Sam and Charlie are staying home to work or something. Not terribly important.] Of course, the BSC plus all the 'rents and other childrens can't fit in one RV, so they divide up between the the two RVs. One will take the northern route, the other will take the southern. Then they'll all meet up in the PC. [Go ahead, start screaming the chorus to "California."] And there's a party. And everyone but the Schafers are flying back? Or something...

[This one's kinda hard to divide up...I'll do my best.]

So, the Schafer RV takes the northern route and carries Jack [that's Dawn's dad], Dawn, Jeff, Mary Anne, Claudia, Stacey and Kristy [don't ask]. They hit up Cleveland (an Indians game and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame), Chicago (Art Institute and Wrigley Field), Shaumberg, IL (a mall), Bloomington, MN (the Mall of America), South Dakota (the Badlands, Wall, Mammoth Site), Yellowstone & Grand Tetons Parks, "Buzzard Gulch--Idaho's Turn-of-the-Century Haunted Village, Lovingly Re-Created for Today's Visitor," Seattle (drama and a Mariners game) and San Francisco (drama at a Giants game & general touristy goodness). As for the group drama? They run out of gas in the Badlands and Mr. Schafer leaves them for hours while he goes to get gas.

The individual drama?

Kristy wants to see as many ballparks as possible. And she sees her dad on the Jumbotron! And she goes to find him. And cries in public.

Mary Anne meets up with her grandma from Iowa at the Mall of America ("You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America!"). Oh, and Jack Schafer gets on her last nerve with his constant pokes (ooh, dirty) at her dad, Connecticut, everything.

Jeff goes rock climbing and rappelling.

Stacey gets all pissed at Claud cause she thinks she's reading her diary. [This story line is stupid and makes no sense.] And she's meeting this guy in Seattle with whom she's been exchanging letters. And they have a hard time meeting up, all slapsticky-like. But they finally get together and, well, get together. Sloppy makeouts, if ya dig...

Claudia finds a real Georgia O'Keefe sketch in an antique store.

Dawn I almost completely forgot about her...She wants to see a ghost town. And she's disappointed at first, but has a good time anyway. Or something. All I remember is that she annoyed the piss out of me.

In the Brewer/Thomas RV we have Watson and Elizabeth, Karen, Andrew, David Michael, Abby, Jessi and Mal. On their southerly route, they cruise Oakley, NJ (and have a down-home time with the extended Ramsey clan), Chincoteague & Assateague (which the Wik tells me is in (well, off the coast of) Virginia...and those stupid horse books are set there. (Apologies if you actually like them. I've never read them, but my only associations with them come from these little bitches.)), Graceland, Dalton, MS (home of the Dalton Plantation Museum, and the former plantation where Jessi's kin were, well, slaves.), Lester, OK (Watson's college buddy lives there), Ten Gallon, TX (for a rodeo), Zuni, NM (where they visit the school they helped rebuild after a fire, 'member?), Four Corners, the Grand Canyon and the San Diego Zoo [I now have the 6ths song "San Diego Zoo" stuck in my head. "How could I have ever left you?"]. The group drama? Rodeos make them all uncomfortable. Oh, and they get stuck in a tornado in Lester! Hiding out in the bathroom=FUN! They also keep running into an old couple traveling with their annoying granddaughter.

Broken down:

Karen needs to shut the fuck up. She is a manipulative little skank. And she wants to stand on the Four Corners and wave at Stoneybrook.

David Michael apparently doesn't realize that rodeos involve potentially hurting cows. So, he skeeves, and chickens out.

Abby accidentally (?) convinces the kids that Elvis is still alive. Oh, and she has all this heavy shit about her dead dad at the Grand Canyon, cause it was his favorite place, and they had to cancel their vacation to said canyon when he died.

Mal gets all weepy over horses. And is all nerves at the Ramseys' house.

Jessi briefly suspects that Mal is racist, and she visits her ancestral plantation and is horrified by how horrible slavery must have been.

Whew. Bullets, anyone? (No, not meant for your head! Bad reader!)

Dawn has to bitch about how RVs are ecologically unsound. On the 3rd fucking page. And I'm already yelling, "Shut the fuck up!!!!"

Apparently, the BSC will be slow enough for all seven of them to take off for two weeks.

Dawn, quit ragging on Richard. So he's cautious! Give him a break. Also, I have a soft spot for men with that name, so step the fuck off.

Coffee makes Dawn puke for months. Or something.

Oh, yeah. I always forget that Dawn's maternal grandparents live in Stoneybrook. BECAUSE THEY'RE NEVER MENTIONED!!!

Being in love in high school is a deep, dark secret. Okaaaaay.

Did Dawn really help set up the We [heart] Kids Club? I thought she was in the 'Brook when it started. And they conduct meetings by a pool with a cell phone. Yeah. And are obsessed with health food. Yeah.

In this book, Watson is a consultant that works from home. Is that always the case? I can't keep all this shit straight.

Since this book was written in '97 (the year I graduated from high school), Claud's "outfits are put together from funky stuff she buys in thrift shops."

"One of her favorite clothing colors is black. According to her, it sets off her blonde hair. Besides, she was born and raised in New York City, and she says native New Yorkers wear black all year long." Wow, I must be a native New Yorker. Who knew?

Ooh, foreshadowing. Kristy's all jealous that Stacey's dad keeps in touch.

Kristy describes Abby as wild. Funny, I just think she's annoying.

How can Logan get working papers at 13? Or is he getting paid under the table? Or is his "busboy" job just a cover for running errands for a mob boss...

Again, what 11-year-old wants to visit the plantation where her family were slaves?!?!?!?!? On vacation, at that. And doesn't expect it to be difficult or disturbing?

Oh. You know ANM's retarded "allergy dialect" that Logan's brother has? It's even fucking worse for Abby. Damn, it sucks.

I get it, Jessi's a dancer, so she makes lameass references to ballet in non-dance contexts. As in, "It feels as if my Big Mac and fries are doing a pas de deux up and down the walls of my stomach." LAME!

"Okra. Fried chicken. Biscuits with lots of butter. How many times had I smelled those things as I walked up Grandma's front stoop?" Just in case you didn't realize that Jessi's entire family was black...soul food.

Okay, Cleveland isn't really in the flat part of Ohio. Just sayin'.

Stacey thinks basketball players look great in those shorts. Weren't they already really long and loose in '97? At least at the college & pro level? RNL, my basketball expert?

What are "cheekbones for days?" Cause Stacey's distance-boy has them.

My big rant: Okay, Stacey writes this to Ethan (a fellow NYer): "the Cleveland Indians lost to the Boston somethings..." BITCH DID NOT GROW UP IN NEW YORK AND NOT KNOW WHO THE RED SOX ARE!!!! I DON'T CARE IF SHE DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION TO SPORTS! SHE'S GOTTA KNOW WHO THE YANKEES ARE, AND IF YOU KNOW WHO THE YANKEES ARE, YOU KNOW WHO THE RED SOX ARE! TOURISTS VISITING NEW YORK FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS KNOW WHO THE RED SOX ARE!!!! Seriously! What the fuck?

Boring stuff about horses and wild ponies and shit. Oh, and the wild horses on Assateague (That makes me giggle. I'm so mature.) make Mal cry.

Claud's disappointed the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame doesn't have anything about U4Me or Blaid.

Aw, they didn't stop at the "Pitsberg stadium." Back then it would've been Three Rivers. One of my former roommates got to watch them implode the stadium from a press boat.

Yes, Abby. Young Elvis was hot.

Why doesn't anyone cut Karen off? Like, sit her down and tell her the truth that there are Elvis impersonators.

Of all the restaurants in Chicago, they ate at the original Pizzeria Uno. And went shopping in Shaumberg.

They all look really fucking crazy in all the illustrations.

Damn! Grandma takes a dig at Jack Schafer.

I can't even touch all the slavery stuff. So very faux-deep. And manipulative. And out of place.

Electricity on a plantation? Seems kind of...suspect. I'm sure someone did their research, but it just doesn't sound right.

Dawn knows some areas of L.A. that could be called the Badlands. Ha. Ha. Who's a comedienne now? And a dumb bitch?

Jeff thinks "Girls are boring," but I think "crestfallen boys are boring."

What kind of fuckhead doesn't get gas before heading into the Badlands?

In general, Abby needs to shut the fuck up. She's like the annoying class clown that isn't getting any laughs, so she turns up the annoying. To 11.

Watson went to Baylor. Is that ever mentioned elsewhere?

Mal thought Jessi's experience at Dalton would make "a dramatic children's book." Dramatic? Okay...

I fucking hate tornadoes.

Dude, I need to buy a velvet painting of horses. And give it to someone as a gift, just to torture them.

"What a way to go. In a twister. After all those generations. Surviving the plantation. Moving North..." That's what's going through Jessi's head during the tornado. Yeah.

Oh, shit! The bear! The Schafer crew run into a bear while picnicking in Yellowstone! Bears are funny.

Dawn's all pissed and disappointed and embarrassed by the cheesiness of the ghost town and throws herself a self-pity party. And, say it with me now, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Speaking of shutting up...Karen.

She knows that getting all teary and pouty will get her way. HATE!! She's a CBS sitcom wife-in-training.

In Seattle, Mr. Schafer wants to shake Bill Gates's hand. That doesn't seem to fit with his easy-going, cool-dad persona.

Haha, it's Seattle, so there are 50 million coffee places! And dumb bitch Stacey can't find the name of the place she's meetin' the boy! Hijinks!!! Wackiness!!! Ensuing!!!!

In Stacey's fantasy, her boy has inner torment. That she cures with a "flash of blonde hair." I wonder if my hair can do that, too...

Another fight, ended instantly with no real problem solving. Hoorah.

Also, not gonna touch the heavy shit with Abby's grief.

In the illustration, sad Abby is wearing socks with sandals.

The gayest mustache in San Francisco is in the illustration of the Giants game. And Mary Anne's eyes are wigging me out. For reals. See?

The only outfit in the book? "Claudia was examining Maggie's hair, which was light green; and her outfit, tight black leather and Spandex; and her pale, pale makeup." What's this punka doing hanging out with these hippie bitches anyway?

Oh, and Jessi thinks she might be related to the grad student she met at the plantation. Cause it's likely.

Also, a picture of romance, awkward, kinda painful-looking romance...

***

Okay, y'all. I had an ulterior motive for doing a super special this week. I wanted to give you guys something big and exciting before dropping the bomb: I, too, am taking my summer vacation! I will be taking a few weeks off from the ole blog while I'm jaunting about. I should be back on July 9th. Not sure what book it'll be yet.

Also, for my LibraryLand readers, I will be attending the ALA Annual Conference in DC, so...If you're there, and you think you spot me, feel free to say hi. Of course, you may wind up inadvertently introducing yourself to random Tiff(any)s in the process. Which could be amusing. For me, at least. (I'm evil.)

I couldn't believe my ears; or, BSC #57: Dawn Saves the Planet

2007-06-11T20:49:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking shit! Shut the fuck up, Dawn! You must die!

Whew. Had to get that out. Because this book sucked giant monkey balls. Seriously.

Even the cover sucks.

1: From the neck down, Dawn is a man. I think my dad has those jeans.
2: Is that poster supposed to be informative? Cause it's not.
3: What do you think the kids are whispering? Are they distracted by the slight bulge in Dawn's pants? Cause I am.

Ze plot! Dawn is obnoxious. Yep. See, there's this project for science about ecology, and she and Stacey teach a class for the Stoneybrook kiddies about saving the planet. And everyone turns into eco-nazis. And they have a "Green Fair." And Dawn decides SMS needs a recycling program AND it needs to be a recycling center for the whole town. And Dawn decides to singlehandedly police the fucking world, yelling at anyone who does anything that might be even mildly bad for the environment. And then everybody hates her (Wheeeeeee!), and they don't vote for her to chair the recycling program. And she's all bitter and hurt and sucky. Oh, and the BSC finally jump in and tell the bitch that she's being a bitch, and if she doesn't watch her step, she'll get shived. Oh, wait. That was my fantasy, that whole shiving thing. And Dawn realizes the error of her ways or something. And she gets invited to co-chair the recycling program, which means she'll have to work hard and give up some Saturdays or whatever. Blah, happy ending.

So. Fucking. Painful.

PoBal wants me to drop a blow job joke about Dawn's statement on the first page: "The sight of a hot dog makes me want to gag!" Instead, I'll leave it up to you, faithful readers, to come up with as many BJ jokes as you can in honor of her upcoming 28th birthday.

Not much on the outfit tip in this bitch. However, "Mary Anne is sort of preppie when it comes to clothes. She wears pleated wool skirts and neat white blouses, stuff like that..." So, when Mary Anne wears it, it's preppy, but when Janine does, she's some sort of brainiac freak?

Wow, nobody really talks about acid rain much anymore.

Do you think Al Gore referred to this book at all during the planning stages of An Inconvenient Truth? Cause I think it might be his Bible.

Apparently, Claudia "dresses in ultra bright colors that look great with her jet black hair."

Here we go: "Of all of us, I'd say Stacey is the coolest dresser. Today she was wearing floral leggings, a pink shirt with big sleeves [huh?], and a long vest covered in antique pins. A black fedora with a red cloth rose was perched on top of her shoulder length hair." Niiiiice.

Did you know that children with uncombed hair are wild? Or that having uncombed hair is indicative of a messy home life? Is that my excuse? Or am I just too lazy to comb my hair?

The thing about cutting the plastic rings that keep a six-pack together? Yeah, I still do that. Prolly cause of this book. And my fear that Dawn would hunt me down and bitch me out.

I don't ever say I "dialed" a person. I dial a number. And, granted, these days I use speed dial or the phone book in my cell, but still.

Why would you want to put on a "Green Fair?" And aren't big cardboard booths bad for the environment?? And isn't walking on the dirt bad for the planet? Mr. Show told me it is.

Is glitter ink environmentally sound, Dawn?

Heh. Green fairies. Someone's been drinking the absinthe!

SHUT UP, DAWN!!!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!! DON'T TELL CLAUD WHAT KIND OF CANDY TO BUY WHEN SHE JUST GAVE YOU FREE FOOD!

Don't they vaccinate for the measles?

Jessi's going to be taking some classes with some famous NYC dancer who has nothing better to do than teach a bunch of kids in Connecticut. And it's never mentioned again.

I would like to see the world where all of the tossed off plots and events wind up. Like, The Island of Misfit Plot Devices.

Pike kids=Green Meanies. Because they're eco-fascists.

They set up Green School to teach the infidels.

Vanessa writes to the Queen of England. Who had nothing better to do in the early 90s. And who really exerts huge quantities of influence over public policy in the U.K. Oh, wait.

Nicky writes to the prez.

And where is a Pike kid getting the bucks to send mail to England and Japan?

Dawn, haven't you learned to back the fuck off when M.A. is getting pissy? She'll call your fat ass on all kinds of shit.

Yes, Dawn. Haranguing is an effective way to bring people around to your way of thinking. (Now I have "Sister Havana" stuck in my head again.)

Oh my lord, Woody Jefferson and Trevor Sandbourne totally faced the cafeteria lady when they brought brie, paté and a bottle of sparkling cider for lunch today! It was so, so funny! Can you believe it? [Now we return to our regularly scheduled snark.]

Yes, Dawn is a fucking bossy bitch.

And she shames the children. Intentionally. Even I don't do that.

Dawn is horrified (and a little in denial) that people are calling her obnoxious. Yes, I'm actually agreeing with Cokie and Grace.

And she's all sulky and refuses to help out with the recycling program cause she lost. Lame.

Stupid fucking toilet monster. Not ever funny. Quit bringing it up.

Bugs gross Kristy out to the point where she can't eat. Weak. Isn't she supposed to be all butch?

I can't even bring myself to catalog all the Dawn lameness. So, so lame.

Gotta love when giant, stewing problems that have been building up for weeks blow over in a few minutes. Ah, reality.

Nitpicky Tiff time: it takes "Stacey the Math Whiz" to tally up the money made from selling ten bird houses. And the grand total is $20. So, each one cost $2? Does that make me a math whiz, too?

They donate the proceeds from the Green Fair to the SMS recycling program! Woo! Hooray! Exciting! Amazing!

A thirty page paper? Maybe grad school jaded me, but two people writing that and including charts and lists, etc. isn't terribly impressive. But then, I wrote two 30 page papers and moved in the course of 4 days once. Who wants to touch me? I said, who wants to fucking touch me?

Blah. Dawn learns a lesson of togetherness. How fucking sweet.

And the recycling program was never heard from again.

Wow. That blew. Big time. Never want to see this fucking book again. Inspires violence. Required a long conversation with my favorite distraction to get me through it yesterday.

***

Next week, BSC in the USA. Tune in for tornadoes, ancestral plantations, unwise parenting and RVs. And those stupid fucking horses of Chincoteague. Or whatever.

I'm monochromatic, with brown hair and brown eyes; or BSC #66: Maid Mary Anne

2007-06-03T21:11:00.000-05:00

Look. Mary Anne. The quote is:

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. -Leo Tolstoy

Or something like that. The point of the quote is the unhappy families. And it refers to the crazy diverse ways that families can be fucked up. But happy families, in general, work, and it's all pretty much happy-happy-tra-la-la. But there are buttloads of ways things can go wrong. It does not imply that because your fam is happy, you are all exactly the same as every other happy fam on earth. You missed the entire point. Dumbass. Get thee to freshman Lit!

Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

This cover confuses me.

Is Mary Anne going to for the sexy pirate look? The housewife-in-porn look? The tons of makeup for housecleaning look? And is one of the Arnold twins stealing Claud's fashion sense? Does Mrs. Towne ask her to wear the short cutoffs? Cause that's sexual harassment.

Also, I used to have slouch socks that rivaled the slouch on her slouch socks. So there.

Plot-tasticness: Kinda convoluted, actually. So, Mary Anne meets Mrs. Towne, who's a crazy good seamstress/needlecrafter. And MA asks for lessons. But early on, Mrs. Towne has an accident and breaks her ankle or whatever. So, MA offers to help out around the house, and Mrs. Towne suggests they swap lessons for chores. Oh, and there's this whole thing about MA feeling selfish, and wanting to be more considerate of others or something. But Mrs. Towne's taking up all of MA's time, and she's neglecting her family, the BSC, even Loverboy Logan. Oh, and she decides to start a sewing/quilting class for some of the BSC kids: Vanessa & Nicky Pike, Becca, Charlotte, Haley Braddock and Buddy Barrett. And they're making a quilt as a get well present for Mrs. Towne. The subplot? Some kid's ripping on Nicky and Buddy for being girly or something. So, Nicky's on this big 'roid-rage-style-Manly Man trip, avoiding anything "for girls." In fact, I think he may have even visited a steel mill to butch up. No, wait, that was on the Simpsons.

Bullets. Not the shooting kind.

Okay, Richard Spier alphabetizes the contents of the bathroom cabinet. Really? By type or brand? Like Gillette Mach 64 (or whatever Mach they're at) or razor? I'm a little fixated on this idea for some reason. Maybe I'm becoming OCD by proxy.

Mary Anne, you're not self-centered. You're a pushover. Pushovers tend not to think of themselves first. Otherwise they wouldn't let themselves be, well, pushed over.

"Marilyn is not at all scientific. She's interested in music--in fact, she's taken piano lessons since she was four--and she's very strict about practicing the piano at least half an hour every day. Meanwhile, Carolyn is tone-deaf." Um, science and music are not musically exclusive. In fact, I know a few scientist-types who play instruments.

Um, PoBal and I had to look up "smocking" in Wikipedia, despite our respective crafty tendencies.

I don't remember MA fucking up in Home Ec. Anyone?

I hate the whole "they groan everytime they pay dues." One: boring. Two: lame. Three: Seriously, I doubt that every week, even kidding, for like two years, they groan to give up that single dollah-bill y'all. Even these bitches would get sick of that joke pretty damn quick. Four: I hate hearing the same joke over and over again. Seriously. Fucking. Hate.

Blah. MA & Kristy are best friends, but they're opposites.

"All that healthy eating means she stays in shape, too." Yeah, Stacey stays "in shape." Not, friggin' heroin-chic skin-n-bones.

This is another book with no outfits. Sorry.

Logan is: special, major cute (even cuter than Cam Geary), has a great Southern accent, and "a way of really listening to you when you talk to him." Or when he's trying to get in your cutoffs. Oh, and he can be bossy. When he's not successful at getting into your cutoffs.

Dawn's homesick, so she's listening to the Beach Boys. Please say it's some of the stuff Brian Wilson wrote when he was off his rocker.

Mrs. Towne isn't some dowdy old lady type. Nope, she has "very short white hair that looked almost punk." Wild.

MA thinks that her idea for teaching kids' sewing classes "might possibly be one of those truly great, Kristy-caliber ideas." Yup.

Vidding out. A surprisingly good way of describing couching it while watching tons of movies. But I wouldn't be watching horse movies.

They keep saying things are "decent." Meaning cool or awesome.

Two boys taking the sewing class. Equal opportunity horrors.

I have to include Claud's entry in the BSC notebook:
Ok. I'm totally ~~psiched~~ ~~syked~~ ~~siked~~ getting into this sowing stuff. Mary Anne, why didn't you tell me about quiltting and all that stuff before? I can see it has real potenshul for my art. I had allmost as much fun at Mary Anne's first sowing class as the kids did...

Can I take a sowing class? I need to learn how to properly spread seeds.

Wow, these kids learned embroidery fast. I still have trouble with a French knot.

MA is wicked fast at doing the dishes. I'll hire her for more than she's making sitting.

Is Passion a real perfume?

Stacey, it's not super-sitter-sense. It's friggin' obvious. Doors slamming, "nothing's wrong." Anybody with half a brain cell knows that there's something off.

"Stacey felt a faint surge of anger. Where did kids learn to be so mean? And so sexist!" They're kids. Of course they're mean and judgmental and they live according to rigid gender roles. Duh.

"Part of me (the lazy, inconsiderate part, no doubt) wished I were still lying in that hammock." Damn, hate to know how inconsiderate and lazy she'd think I am.

They drink Orangina in the Spier-Schafer household.

Pimento cheese? Cheese, mayo & pimentos mixed together? Um, ew. Is that really a popular southern/Kentucky food? RNL? Anyone?

Logan tries to scam some sloppy kisses in this book.

A shoutout to Louise Fitzhugh? Sure, why not?

Another for the bad pun file: "It's a maze," explained Claire. "Amazing," said Jessi. HATE!!!!

Ah, the Pike siblings constantly undermine Nicky's attempts at masculinity. Super sweet.

This book is full of misused quotes. "Suppose they had a war and nobody came." Totally inappropriate in this context. Dumbasses!!!!!!

Kristy calls Nicky a "male chauvinist piglet." Yup.

Claud wants to make a junk food quilt. You know, like her art show that one time?

Ah, but the boys come back. They always do.

This book is wicked full of foreshadowing for Dawn's return to Cali.

Lame-ass ending. "'It'll be okay,' I said. 'Whatever happens, it'll be okay.' And I knew it would." If that were true, it would still be a lame ending. But knowing that it won't be okay, and they're trying to be all smooth or whatevs, SUPER LAME!!!!

Now that's done, I have another rant. Why do these girls turn everything into a project? Can't they just like needlecrafts or sports or the environment or art or whatever the hell Stacey likes without teaching a class or starting a team or opening a community college? I like tons of shit, but I'm not teaching starving orphans how to snark or how to talk to my best friend on the phone or how to wear ridiculous boots with skirts or how to fake flirt on work time. Just sayin'.

A little bonus gift this week:

That's right...I scanned this just for you. Hee! Prodigy!

Time to let Mal keep the minutes; or, BSC #53: Kristy for President

2007-05-28T15:31:00.000-05:00

I love it when Kristy learns the following lesson: She's not fucking perfect. Sure, I love seeing Kristy eat it. Call me a bitch if you like, you surely wouldn't be the first. Of course, I would have loved it more if she'd actually lost the election...instead of being a FUCKING QUITTER!!!! Yeah. Let me take it back a few...

Cover? Kinda boring...siblings showing support, red-white-and-blue cliché, dog wearing the title of the book around her neck. Kristy's wearing a turtleneck, as she does.

The plot: Um, Claud and Stace convince Kristy to run for class president against Alan Gray, Grace-Cokie's-little-crony, and Pete Black. But she's taken on a bit much, what with the sitting and the BSC and the Krushers and the family and the failing science grades and the campaigning. So, she drops out of the race. Blah. Oh, and Mal's running for 6th grade ~~treasurer~~ secretary.

Subplot: Jamie Newton gets a bike, and tortures all his sitters. And they all neglect Lucy in the process. Or something.

Short plot=lots of bullets.

Wow, Stacey's soooo sophisticated. And I don't just mean she's got capital knockers. No, she compares the SMS PA system to the announcements on the NYC subways. I personally like the announcements on the MBTA commuter rail.

Wow, Kristy's glad it's Friday. Whoop-di-shit. Just wait until she gets a job working for the female Michael Scott (I stole that from RNL).

Mr. Zorzi is a sub. What the hell kinda name is Zorzi?

Wow, a bunch of middle school kids just start following a couple of jokers. Big surprise. Middle school kids are sheep.

A reference to Bunnicula. Wow, someone's well-read. Or something.

Joking about nasty cafeteria food is wicked boring. And repetitive. And lame. And lazy.

Seriously, I don't want to read about how cute babies are. Or how cute Kristy's siblings are. Or sitting in general. I don't care about a fucking "leaf dance."

Kris-ty li-ikes Ba-art! Oh, wait. We already knew that.

Okay. So, this book has tons of outfits. Which makes up for the lack in last week's book. Cause that wasn't me being lazy, bitches. There weren't any in the book!!!!

"Today, for instance, Claudia was wearing lime green bicycle pants, a long, long bright pink shirt, and a cropped lime green striped shirt over that. She was also wearing black hightop leather sneakers with pink butterfly barrettes clipped to the laces. She had two feather earrings in one ear (lime green, of course), and a tiny pink heart in the other." Wait, a cropped top over a long, long shirt. That sounds...less than flattering.

"And real, live fruit. I mean an apple is okay, but it's not my first choice." The fuck?

"Like that Monday, she was wearing a black skirt and tights that were two colors: one leg was red and the other was black. And her shoes were shiny black and laced up to the ankles. She was also wearing this enormous black turtleneck sweater with red flecks in it, and one round red earring and one square black one. Her hair, which was in a mid-perm stage around her face, was pulled back with this silver lamé [and lame] band." While not crazy horrible, this outfit still SCREAMS 1989.

Oh, this shit cracks me up!!! There's this whole thing about how the school play is Mary Poppins, and how it's soooooo babyish. But, if I'm not mistaken, isn't that Stacey's fave movie? So, are they calling her babyish? She is mighty quiet during this discussion. Or, could it be that someone wasn't paying any attention whatsoever to continuity? Perhaps...

In reference to "right on," Dawn explains, "I think it's an old hippy expression." Stupid hippies. [Oh, so according to the American Oxford Dictionary--I heart Dashboard!!--hippy is a variant spelling of hippie, and, of course, it also means having large hips. I prefer to use the latter in this context. Just cause I hate Dawn.]

Ooh! Another Claud vs. Janine fashion showdown!!! "Standing next to each other, Claudia and Janine couldn't have looked more different, even though that day Claudia was dressed fairly conservatively: white jeans, red shoes with big bows, a tropical jungle shirt with each button shaped like a piece of fruit, and her hair pulled to one side with a banana barrette. But Janine, with her short hair and bangs, her pullover sweater, and plain skirt and loafers, make Claudia look extremely exotic." Swap out the loafers for some Docs, and Janine wins. Big time. Fruit buttons?

Ahem. "'I believe you would be glad to know that a pizza delivery has just been effected,' said Janine. She talks like that all the time. It's part of being a genius." Actually, it's part of being a pretentious ass. Trust me, I know. Also, shouldn't it be "affected?" Anyone?

Kristy's campaign slogan/logo thingee? "K+." Um, clever?

"According to Stacey, that was the way people in New York advertise things, especially rock concerts." Yes, the SMS president is a fucking rock star. Or something.

"As every baby-sitter and little kid knows, a shrug is like a maybe--it means yes." No, it doesn't. It means "I don't care" or "I'm not sure" or "My indecision knows no bounds" or "I really don't want to, but I don't want to tell you that." You know...

There's a whole bunch of shit about how Kristy's turning into Claud, at least grade-wise.

Okay, so Kristy's wearing "an enormous sweater of a sort of creamy brown, with little black and green stripes running across it" with black pants and loafers. And her complaint is that she looks "preppie." See, I always spelled it preppy [And spell check agrees with me]. Also, the fug? I can't picture this sweater at all, except as some sort of mutant girly Cosby sweater.

Lucky us! We get a Grace outfit, too! "Her makeup was about three feet thick, and she was wearing a pale blue sweater, matching stirrup pants, and a ton of jewelry." Wow, that sounds flattering. And classy.

Oh, yeah. There's also this thing about Special Ed kids that I can't quite figure out. Maybe I was paying more attention to South Park than to this lame fucker.

Um, does the middle school really have a fencing team?

Wow, a baby Lucy outfit, too! [And you thought I was kidding about lots of outfits.] "Lucy...was wearing lavender overalls with pink stars on them, a pink shirt, pink socks, and little purple sneakers with shoelaces that had stars and moons on them." Wow, someone's really trying to indoctrinate this baby with traditional femininity. Also, she's a fucking baby. Why's she all dressed up for puking in the playpen? And does she need shoelaces? And didn't Claud wear this exact outfit in some super special? [I kid. Sort of.]

Not done yet! "Stacey had pulled her hair back into a braid with a silver hat pin stuck through it. She was wearing purple capri pants, soft black flat ankle boots, black-and-white-striped socks, and a black-and-white-checked shirt, only the checks were all different sizes. She had square silver earrings in her ears." Again, can't really picture the shirt. And "soft black?" Is the material soft? Or the color? Or my mind?

"Claud's hair was down, but she was wearing a hat. On the green hat ribbon was pinned "Kristy+" button. Her tights were orange and her dress was tie-dyed every color you could think of. She was wearing her feather earrings, and she'd drawn a star on her face next to her right eye." This is another über-Blossom outfit. Crossed with a dirty, dirty hippie.

Kristy gives a big speech when she ends her candidacy. Cause everyone fucking cares.

Oh, and Mal wins.

Hooray! It's done! I totally would have loved to see Grace win, just to piss Kristy off, and cause middle school elections ARE a fucking popularity contest. But Pete Black wins. And fairies and unicorns dance around in celebration.

Next week, "Maid Mary Anne." Probably.

But I like to win; or, BSC Mystery #2: Beware, Dawn!

2007-05-21T21:44:00.000-05:00

So, it's a mystery! Ooh! Can I just love on this cover for a minute?

Aaaah. Again, she looks way older than 13. And she's totally afraid of an envelope. Luckily, she's got the curtains to protect her. Oh, and "Someone is out to scare Dawn!" Though, to be perfectly frank, someone is out to scare all the girls, not just Dawn.

The plot: So, there's this Sitter of the Month (which I have decided to not so conveniently shorten to S-o-M) contest at Stoneybrook Middle School. And the girls are getting competitive, but they're all, "Let's not be competitive. Remember the science fair/the Little Miss Stoneybrook Pageant/etc." Oh, and they start getting these mysterious notes and shit while they're sitting (all except for Kristy), but they're all so concerned about not losing the S-o-M contest that they don't tell each other about all the shenanigans. Blah, it's a mystery!!! And they solve it, kinda. See, Jamie Newton tells Dawn that they can't go for a walk until Mel Tucker (who tends to make fun of the Hobarts' accents...he calls them "Crocs!") stops by for a sitting check. And she "just knows" he's Mr. X. (Oh, that's whose been "signing" the notes.) And they set up a sting. And no cops or parents are ever involved, even before they know a kid is behind it all. Because it is the BSC. [I totally "solved" this one on page 5. If by solve, you mean, yell "Oh, shit! I remember! This kid gets pissed cause the girls get him in trouble or something, and he's Mr. X!"]

Here we go...

I am so sick of reading the following sentence: "I love to baby-sit." Really. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Dawn: "And Jeff? Jeff never really adjusted. In fact, he disliked Connecticut so much (and missed his dad so badly on top of it)..." Wait, since when do Jeff and Dawn not share the same father? Slutty, slutty Sharon. (Dontcha just love the weird way the girls talk about their families in these books?)

No, Dawn, the potential romance between Ben Hobart and Mal is not exciting.

"See, the Hobarts are Australian. That's why Mel calls them 'Crocs.' You know, for Crocodile Dundee?" That really is an insult.

You know, it is possible to like junk food AND health food. In fact, one can have tofu stir fry for dinner followed by Doritos for desert. So, seriously, Dawn? Shut the fuck up.

Yes, Ben & Mal both have red hair and glasses. No, that doesn't necessarily mean that they look cute together.

This sounds dirty. "Do you want to come in for a snack? I'm sure Mum's laid one on." Hee.

Okay, crying over "those sappy telephone company commercials" doesn't always mean you're sensitive. It could just mean someone started the Pill recently and is having crazy hormone-y mood swings. Or a really nasty case of the PMS weepies. Just sayin'.

So, other books mention how Dawn would look good in a burlap sack. So this one tells us that "Claudia would look great even if she were dressed in a brown paper bag." Noooooooooo! Don't give her any ideas!!!!!!

OMG!!!! It's the one where Ben calls Mal a "bonzer sheila," hooray!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, isn't it cute! The Thomas-Brewer kids have a weird routine for eating crackers. Woo.

Okay, a sitter of the month contest? Really? Why?????? One, why would a bunch of kids who all adore the BSCers want them to compete? And who would approve this? What would it really accomplish? Okay, I'll shut up now. Repeat after me: "They're not real. They're silly books full of fictional characters and situations. And if you're wondering how they eat and breathe and other science facts, just repeat to yourself it's just a show, I should really just relax...[sung] for Mystery Science Theatre 3000."

To be the perfect sitter, Dawn adds some characters to the retarded game "Let's All Come In." Bruce Stringbean, Darryl Blueberry and Ladonna. Lame.

Yes!!!! (Wow, I'm really into multiple exclamation points and question marks today.) Sabrina Bouvier!!! Pageant-head!!!

What kind of baby-sitter tells a four-year-old to answer the phone?

Which letter do you think is better? "Dear Jeff,...How are you? How's good old California? I miss you." Or, "Dearest Little Bro,...What's up? What's fresh? Everything's cool back here in Stoneybrook. What's happening out there in sunny Cal?" Dude, the second one sounds like a high school principal trying to be hip. And failing. Miserably.

Dawn's first communiqué from Mr. X: "You'd better watch out, you'd better not shout! I'm going to get you." Dude, I'm nearin' 30, and I'd still call my mom freaking out if I got something like that. Yet Dawn doesn't tell ANYONE. Dumbass.

La la, let's make fun of Jackie Rodowsky again.

Dude, even Shea Rodowsky thinks that the notes probably deserve police attention. What is wrong with these bitches?

Dawn also thinks that Alan Gray is behind it all. Cause he has nothing better to do with his time than fuck with them.

Ah, "camping" in the living room in a sleeping bag. I still do that, only it's PoBal's floor, and I'm usually a little tipsy.

Becca convinces Jessy to let her watch, get this, "Snake Boy Loose in San Francisco." Best faux-Troma name ever.

"Somebody" leaves Jessi a bouquet of flowers with the head cut off. Still, let's not tell our friends or parents. No, it's just a little creepy. Naw, couldn't be anything dangerous.

Oh, no! "Someone" threatens the Pikes' hamster. [At this point, you gotta know it's a kid.]

Okay, if you think Mr. X is in the secret passage, which, technically is in your house? Yeah, call the fucking cops.

Oh, yeah. Mal's wicked embarrassed cause she called her teacher "Mom." And they all start comparing embarrassing stories that aren't actually embarrassing AT ALL.

For a little while, Dawn suspects that Kristy is Mr. X. Cause she's A MAN!!!!! Or cause she doesn't get bothered.

Another fake movie star. Rik Devine. Yep.

No, Dawn, "The Capture of Mr. X" wouldn't make a great movie. It's a buncha baby-sitters springing a trap on a little kid.

"A psychiatrist is like a doctor for your feelings." Excellent use of euphemism, Kristy. And yes, this kid needs a shrink.

A seven-way tie between all the BSCers? Again, highly suspect. Maybe all the kids might decide that they all win, but there's no fucking way there is a draw between seven candidates. Fucking lame ending.

So, someone requested that I tell y'all what I'll be reading next week. I'll try. I don't always know this far in advance what the next book will be, but if I do, I'll try to remember to tell you. So...

Next week: Kristy for President (tentative).

Uncle Andy's Tar Machine; or, BSC #49: Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street

2007-05-14T17:31:00.000-05:00

The cover asks "How could a seven-year-old make Claudia feel so dumb?" I ask, "How could an earthworm not make Claudia feel so dumb?" I'm so bored of the whole Claud feels dumb storyline. Seriously. We get it. She feels inferior to small children because they can spell better than she can. Well, if she feels so bad about it, why doesn't she fucking study? Huh?

Also, the guy who painted this cover totes gave Claud a mustache. Hee.

Also, as per usual, Janine looks about 45 on the cover, not 16. I realize that she's supposed to dress wicked old, but she doesn't even look like a teenager dressed old! Why? Can you tell me?

Plus, why is Claudia going to a sock hop?

Woot. Another example of the BSCers knowing more than parents about said parents' children.

Yeah, the plot of this one is that Claud gets a regular sitting job for Rosie Wilder (the titular "Genius of Elm Street"). (Also, notice how many times the genesis of a plot is a new regular sitting job? Odd...) And nobody likes Rosie, cause she's difficult. And sitting for her is comprised of giving her snacks and "helping" her with her homework in between lessons and rehearsals and practices. Yeah, Rosie's a super-kid. She's done commercials and she tap dances and she plays piano and violin and sings and gets super good grades and wins all kinds of contests. Essentially, her parents were trend-setters. Yeah, but she also has a secret talent that only Claud can understand. Yep, she likes to draw. But she hides it from her parents. Oh, and the kids at school hate her (big shocker there), and she goes on this kids' talent show called...[cough] Uncle Dandy's Star Machine. And auditions and blah. I got tired just reading about all the shit this kid's got going one, and I'm hardly without multiple projects at once that I should be working on but haven't gotten to yet or whatever. Finally, Rosie throws a tantrum, and Claudia facilitates some communication between Little Miss Perfect and her 'rents, cause she understands the situation in a way the Wilder parents just don't.

Subplot-ish: Claudia decides to create a series of paintings of junk food. And decides to put a show on in her garage. Yeah. See, it's not really a subplot, but it's the closest thing in this book.

So much to mock, so little time:

Oooh, foreshadowing! Someone's been studying their EngLit...Yeah, the book starts with a very detailed description of a commercial featuring a little girl, spilled chocolate milk, and carpet cleaning gremlins. And it's ROSIE WILDER! But, of course, Claud hasn't met her yet...

Claud's watching a documentary on Andy Warhol. Cause she's an artist! Oh, and she meant to tape it, but she accidentally set the VCR for a.m. instead of p.m. D'oh! And she feels dumb.

Janine doesn't get art. Big surprise.

"The first time I heard Janine mention 'calculus' I thought she was talking about a Roman emperor." Really, Claud? Somehow, I don't think so.

Lucky, lucky us! We get a contrast and compare between Claud's outfit and Janine's! Woo-hoo! "That afternoon, for instance, I was wearing a man's paisley vest I'd found at a yard sale, over a striped button-down shirt with tuxedo-stripe black Spandex stirrup pants, held up with pink-flecked black suspenders. My hair was pulled straight back with a paisley comb, and I was wearing electric-pink ankle boots. The boots really set off the formality of the rest of the outfit, sort of like the punchline of a joke." And "Her hair is always in a page boy, and she'd be perfectly happy wearing a white Oxford blouse and a gray pleated skirt every day. Janine's main accessory is a book cradled in her right arm." Hell, yeah! (I totally didn't know what a pageboy was when I was growing up. A sad, sad time before Google Image search.)

Claud's junk food series is inspired by Warhol's stuff. Genius?

How is this outfit of Mary Anne's at all stylish? "...A loose-fitting open shirt over a teal turtleneck with off-white chinos and white sneakers."

Hee! Mrs. Wilder is all kinds of affectations! She speaks like Madonna does now, and it is hilarious.

Who knew that Mrs. Wilder was California Casual? She is, after all, wearing a blue Laura Ashley dress.

Ah, made up super-kid books: Preparing Your Preschooler for Success; Gifted Children: A Parents' Guide; That's My Kid! An Approach to Show-Biz Careers from One Month to Eighteen Years. Prescience is unintentionally funny.

Oh, I forgot ballet. Rosie does it all.

Fave fake soap name? "The Brash and the Beautiful." Total rip off, yo.

Apparently, it's so embarrassing to read a scene from a soap opera. Or at least for the super-sophisticate Stacey.

"I can't just walk into a gallery and ask someone to give me an exhibit!" Actually, Claud, you kinda have to. And I'm sure Stoneybrook's got a coffee shop or something that shows local artists...C'mon now. Or ask at the Community Center where you take all these "art classes" that only seem to exist as plot devices.

"Well, now you know the secret of the Baby-sitters Club. We may be excellent baby-sitters, but that doesn't mean we're good at everything. Like making invitations." Fucking shocker. They can't do everything perfectly. Cause, you know, they're only 13. (And 11.) Or something.

The name of Claud's show (oh, and Rosie has a few drawings in it, too)? Claudia Lynn Kishi's 'Disposable Comestibles,' a Pop-Art Multi-Media Extravaganza. Neither Janine nor Dawn get the joke: "Here was this huge, complicated name that would give people the idea that they were seeing something really serious, and then the subject of the show would turn out to be junk food." It's called irony, Claudia. Learn it, live it, love it.

Alan Gray shows up to cause trouble at the show. Cause he's a 13-year-old guy. I guess. Or cause boys have cooties. Or something.

Yep. I wish I still had the bookmarks referenced on the cover. I'd totally rock those in my copy of "Please Kill Me" or "King Dork." Yeah.

***

Bonus for nerdy librarian types! From the OCLC authority file:

150 Babysitters Club (Imaginary organization)

450 BSC (Imaginary organization)

670 Martin, A.M. Mary Anne breaks the rules, c1994: ǂb cover (The Babysitters Club series, no. 79) p. 2 (Babysitters Club or BSC)

670 LC database, 14 Apr. 1997 ǂb (The Babysitters Club: 2 hits)

675 Pringle, D. Imaginary people, 1987; ǂa Carpenter, H. The Oxford comp. to child. lit., 1984; ǂa Twentieth-cent. child. writers, 3rd ed.

Ah, LCSH.

I always thought it was kind of silly; or, BSC #45: Kristy and the Baby Parade

2007-05-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

Mystery solved: This is the book in which the BSC "ladies" take an infant care course. Now I can sleep easier. Or something. I didn't remember anything about this book. But I'm almost positive I read it the first time around, because I remember books around it. So, I'm thinking this was one of the winners that I read once and never picked up again. Cause it sucked. Seriously. Majorly. It's made of suck, if you will. And I definitely will. There was not enough non-babysitting/small children content in this book. I almost threw it at the man sitting across from me at the coffee place (mmm...iced tea).

So, remember the scary dead baby on the ceiling in Trainspotting? Well, the babies on the cover of this book look a little too much like that for comfort:

[Aside: There was a picture of Fiona Apple on the cover of some teen mag circa 1998 that also looked wicked like that dead baby, and it totally gave me nightmares after seeing the mag at 7-11. Yeah, I was in college. Got a problem with that?]

Ah, not much plot in this one. All the BSC take an infant care class because Kristy has to take one in order to take a regular job with the Prezziosos. And Kristy gets a perfect score. Woo-hoo. So, afterwards, there are lots of sitting jobs involving actual babies. And don't forget the titular Stoneybrook Baby Parade which only rolls around every other year. Apparently, the Baby Parade consists of assholes spending lots of money and effort on dragging a bunch of floats, wagons, strollers and screaming bebbies (3 and under) around d-town Stoneybrook. [Seriously, the fuck? A baby parade? Really? If these things really happen, I need to smack someone. Cause gathering that many infants in one place could be dangerous? Am I the only one who's seen that episode of the Simpsons with the baby-riots?] And the BSC decide to make a float and bring NINE BABIES (!!!!!?????!!!!!!) on it. That's five 13-year-olds and two 11-year-olds and a shit-ton of brats. (Oh, and Logan and Shannon get roped into watching all the older siblings of the babies.) But the BSC don't work together, so they wind up humiliating themselves and Saint Charlie, who gets roped into dragging the float along behind his car. Oh, and Kristy has to help Mrs. Prezzioso with her entry, though she really doesn't do too much. I'm still not even sure why that's in there. Cause K's all worried she'll get fired from her regular job if Baby Prezzioso doesn't win first place or something. Great, bounding leaps of logic here. Oh, and the big fight ends. What?

Blah. Stupid babies.

Most ironically meta first sentence ever: "Okay, I admit it. I was bored."

Wait, Kristy occasionally gets bored while sitting? Perhaps she's not a robot after all.

Nanny's "husband died years ago." Dontcha just love how these girls talk about their dead relatives?

Kristy on Emily Michelle [PS-Why do they usually call her by her first and middle name? It's not like there's another Emily in the fam.]: "She's adorable. Did I already tell you that? Well, she is. I looked at her glossy, straight black hair cut like a Dutch girl's. [The fuck?] I looked at her sparkling brown almond-shaped eyes. I looked at her plump, pink cheeks and at her sturdy little hands [huh?]...and at her round little tummy." Um, is it just me or is this vaguely creepy?

Woo! Second week in a row mentioning the Red Sox.

Gotta love vaguely bitchy pseudo-compliments: "Mary Anne tends to dress a little more stylishly than I do--there are times when she actually looks cool, which I never do." Um. Nice?

Claud is "always up on the latest trend, whether it's big black shoes, tie-dyed leggings, or cool hats." Big black shoes never go out of style. They are not a trend. They are a way of life. Sure, there are times when they are harder to find, and that sucks.

Pretzels are not boring. They are a wonderful snack food that happens to not be crappy for you. (Though, dipped in Nutella, they're definitely more on the junk food tip.)

Lame! The BSCers wear their BSC t-shirts (totally forgot about these) to the infant care class.

Hee. The woman teaching the class, Anita, has a "partner" named Don, and all the BSCers get a crush on him. Though, for some reason, that dissipates when they realize he's a dad. But not in a "I am NOT old enough to date someone with kids!" way. Or a "Great, now I have to be nice to his brats" way. I am a horrible person.

Yes, in a room full of parents and parents-to-be, Kristy is the only one to think that a wailing baby might need a diaper change.

There's this weird interjection about cloth diapers being better for the environment.

A man is the only person other than Kristy to get a perfect score on their evaluations. And everyone is surprised. Cause, yeah.

I don't care if Candy Land is boring, Kristy. You're the fucking babysitter. Get over yourself.

"Andrea 'startled' at the noise. Anita had told us about that reflex. Babies do it when they hear a sudden sound. Her whole body seemed to jump, and her eyes flew wide open." Yeah, that happens to me pretty much ALL THE TIME. ADULTS STARTLE, TOO! I don't get the point of including this little tidbit. At all.

Um, I really hate Jessi's handwriting. Way too flowy.

Claud's got a real doozy of an outfit: "an oversized red blouse with black buttons, green leggings with white, tie-dyed streaks, and black high-top sneakers with all kinds of buckles and snaps on them." She's literally dressed like a watermelon. To the point that she's wearing watermelon earrings. FUUUUUUUUUG!

Jamie Newton says "liberry." I suppose I should forgive him, because he's a fictional four-year-old. But fuck that. I hate when people say that!!!!! Somebody get me a wire hanger!

Tra-la-la. All babies are so-oooooooooooo cute. [GAG.]

All the girls have really fucking lame ideas for the float: baby baseball, baby surfing, baby kittens (with Tigger on the float), babies in New York, babies as Misty of Chincoteague, babies from outer space." Retarded.

The theme they finally choose is "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe." Or, as Claudia spells it on the actual signs on the float: "Their was an old womman who lived in a sho," and "Thair was an old womann who lived in a shue." How does she spell really easy words differently at the same time? It makes my head hurt!!!!

Oh, yeah. There's this whole thing about how Jenny wants to be in the parade with Andrea. Cause we care.

Ah, in ancient times when Elmo "isn't on very often, so Squirt has to watch carefully in order to catch him." Now, you can watch Elmo jack off in Target. Aren't you glad we're alive now?

The baby costumes are bright pink, and they clash horribly with the orangey-red of the shoe. I'm surprised that no one combines those colors in an outfit later in the book.

The grand marshall of the parade is some old-timey cowboy named Slim Peabody. And Kristy ponders, "Why couldn't they have gotten somebody like Cam Geary to lead the parade?" Um, because cool and or genuinely famous people don't HOST FUCKING BABY PARADES IN SMALL TOWN CONNECTICUT! Whew. Sorry.

So, the parade is a fucking disaster for the BSC. They actually failed at something involving with children. My world is collapsing around me. At this time of trouble, I need my friends for support. Too bad I'm not a member of the BSC. They are the best friends I'll (n)ever have.

Babies dressed up like Star Wars characters...yeah. AKA, these dorks have way too much time on their hands. [Shut up! I...um...am sadly shaking my head in resignation.]

Blah, fight's over. Oooh, communication.

Damn. That was a ridiculous one.

A twenty-five percent chance of getting a snobby jerk; or BSC #20: Kristy and the Walking Disaster

2007-04-30T22:01:00.000-05:00

[Note: Somebody just pointed out that I already did this book. Oops. I can't find my checklist of what I've done and haven't done, and I could've sworn this was one I hadn't done. But, I guess I did this book originally ages ago, before I was doing lists or cover art, etc. So, next week, I'll be more conscientious or something.]

Full disclosure: I was kinda sporty as a kid, and I still hated this book. And pretty much everything to do with the Krushers. And the Bashers. Cause nothing is more boring than reading about a bunch of little kids that can't really play, but try to play a sport anyway. Boring. Plus, I found the basic premise that two 13-year-old kids would each start baseball/softball/wiffleball teams for kids that aren't in legitimate leagues a little...suspect.

Yeah. That's the plot. Kristy forms a rag tag team of misfits...oh, wait, isn't there a joke about this Wet Hot American Summer? About this being a mega-cliche? Yeah, the average age of her players, as is mentioned 15 million fucking times is 5.8 years old. And she has a two and half year old on the team, and none of the older kids care? Anyhoo, the Krushers play the Bashers (that's Bart's team, for those who don't read ESPN.com). And they lose! (Cause, seriously? If they had won, it would be only slightly more believable than Jessi's parents leaving her in charge for the weekend, and that's saying a lot!) But they played a good game, and they threw their hearts into it, and they did their best, and I feel like I'm watching
Rudy, or, more likely, Lucas.

Oh, and the subplot? Kristy li-ikes Bart! Cause he's a boy that likes sports and is cute. And it's instant crush. Because there are no cute boys that like sports. Nope, none at all. Never met a cute boy who is into sports. Or something. (I suppose the fact that he likes kids helps, though that's not really laid out for us.)

So, in this book:

Kristy can't believe her at least 37-year-old mom is talking about another kid. Wait, I thought she (and every other fucking girl in these books) was all about more, more, more babies! And she doesn't know how old her mom is? Weak.

I love when Kristy describes Claud's clothes: "You should see how she dresses--wild! Baggy jeans, skintight pants, miniskirts, odd layers of things, bright colors, and weird jewelry."

Mary Anne brings Tigger to a BSC meeting. Why? And Claud doesn't mind? Seriously?

"A very, very, cute guy was in the Taylors' yard, raking up dead grass and twigs and things. It couldn't be Bart. Most people around here have gardeners to take care of their lawns." Wah-chicka-wah-wah! [Sing it like bad 70s porn music. It's hard to spell.]

Kristy likes the word "trepidation." I, on the other hand, like the word "trepanation."

Woo, go Red Sox. I think it's funny that a group of kids in Connecticut mention the Sox, the Mets and the Dodgers. Notice any team missing? One that has a following in CT? Like the Yankees?

Dude, Woolworth's? Hello, 1946.

Claud spells Mallory "Mallery." Bitch can't spell my name, bitch is no longer my friend.

I had totally forgotten about Claire's baseball tantrums. "Nofe-air! Nofe-air! Nofe-air!"

The lesson in the book is beaten over our head at every chance: they have heart and team spirit, so they're winners!" Blah.

Claud pulls one of Jackie's teeth during a practice. [He gets hit in the face while playing catcher. I know how much that fucking sucks.] I think my parents mighta gotten a little pissed if a babysitter pulled out a loose tooth. But, then again, it's the "walking disaster." I should get that on my business cards: Best cataloger on the planet and walking disaster. Yeah.

Karen won't spell Krushers on her shirt. Because she's an annoying little twat, she has a shirt that says Kristy's Crushers.

Since when do softball teams have cheerleaders?

The elementary school is making the Rodowskys pay for a window that Jackie breaks while practicing. Isn't that what insurance is for?

The Bashers distract Bart so they can mock the Krushers during a practice. And it's all so very unnecessary. I mean, in terms of plot.

Bad grammar alert! "Us Baby-sitters Club members were even giving up on our meeting so we could cheer the Krushers on."

I've never understood exactly what Kristy means when she says Watson sounds "jerky." Any clue?

Aw, Bart likes Kristy's collie hat. It must be luv. And they hold hands even though they've talked, like, four times.

The cover:

Kristy looks my age. And an awful lot of those kids have really round, red noses. Weird.

Okay, I seriously hate hate hate how ANM is actually pretty mean-spirited when it comes to Jackie Rodowsky. We get it, he's a klutz. And we also get it, you hate him. Enough! And as someone who has been called "entertainingly cruel" [thank you, thank you, roses aren't necessary], there's funny and then there's just cruel. Sure, sometimes it's a tightrope walk, but if you're PMSing or nic-fitting, don't mock anything that's iffy! Just sayin'.

[Wow, this one's kinda short. Oh, well. I'm actually surprised I managed this
much about this stinker.]

Most of the people sounded too good to be true; or, BSC #71: Claudia and the Perfect Boy

2007-04-24T16:45:00.000-05:00

Ah, yes...can you remember what 13-year-old-you thought the perfect boy would be like? Now picture what 9-year-old-you thought 13-year-old-you would want in a boyfriend. Are you totally embarrassed now? Good. Now I've got your attention.
So, this was my first time reading this one. And I picked it purely for the cover.

Oh, yeah. One, I still think arcade dates are awesome. I'm not even kidding about that. Two, Claudia's rocking this weird pseudo-goth, pseudo-prom dress on a date. Plus, she looks wicked stuck up. I don't care if "This wasn't exactly what Claudia had in mind..." I think maybe she caught some of the Bitch from Laine.

And this doesn't happen in the book! Weak!!!!

So, Claud starts the book all moony cause she wants a boy. But not just any boy. She wants the perfect boy. Because there no way to ensure failure like setting your standards way way way way too high. Anyway...Claud winds up running a personals column in the SMS paper. And it's a lot of work. And she starts matching people together by their ads. But she can't find any boys for herself. Well, she goes out on a couple of dates, but they're all duds. And she decides that she can wait, because...wait for it..."I also discovered that finding Mr. Perfect wasn't so important after all. I had my friends. And I had myself. Everything I needed to be happy had been right here all along."

Subplot: Marnie Barrett's all allergy-rific (I hear ya, sister!), and it turns out she's allergic to the dog, Pow. So, much to the horror of Buddy and Suzie, they have to get rid of the dog...by giving him to the Pikes! Because they're insane! And eight children aren't enough time/money/space/cleanliness strain!

Yeah.

This one even starts out a winner: "I would have died if anyone had seen what I was doing! I mean, it was so embarrassing...I was sitting at the end of my bed, hugging myself. Why? Because I wanted to know how it would feel to be locked in a dreamy, romantic embrace with the boy of my dreams." Yep.

Claud comes up with a(n overly ambitious) list of her own...I'll keep her spelling:
Hansome
Mussels (not too many, not to few)
Taller than me
Funny (extreamly)
Athletic
Sensative
Easy to talk to (a good lisner)
Intresting (lots to say)
Artistic
Good dresser
Good spellar (willing to corect mine)
Not criticul
Crazey about me

"You'd be amazed by the colors that go together. Take pink and gold. You might not think to wear pink socks with gold stretch pants [because the gold stretch pants aren't the big problem here, no matter what American Apparel ads are telling me], and then add a gold turtleneck under a pink sweater." Um, don't they make fun of Kristy for wearing turtlenecks and sweaters?

Kristy starts a meeting by saying "This meeting of the Baby-sitters Club is about to start." That's not right.

Oh, yeah. Mal's out sick, so Shannon's coming to meetings. I never read the one where Mal gets mono. And Dawn's out in Cali for six months.

"Tough thing number two: the number of times she's had to move." Okay, Stacey's moved three times, between the same places. By thirteen, I'd moved seven times, twice from coast to coast (literally). So she can suck it.

Oh, yeah, and Stacey's already started dating Robert.

Hee! "Or she has the personality of Homer Simpson." Let's see what the random Simpsons quote generator has to say about that: "Nelson: Hey I'm sure it's just a phase, like when I used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the freeway."

It's really hard not to include all the personal ads. But I don't have the energy. So, I'll only put in the ones that Claudia goes out with. "Eighth-grade boy seeks beautiful, interesting girl. I swim, sketch, and enjoy stand-up comedy. If this sounds good to you, I'd love to get to know you better. Call Good Listener at 555-3829, or write to this address..." Brian Hall. Date doesn't go well.

Stacey teaches Claud how to use a computer for word processing. And spellcheck. And my thought was this was [check title page verso] 1994, have they never had a computer class? Cause I started having them in, oh, 1987 or so.

I still remember some of my old DOS commands. Hee!

I always forget that Mary Anne wound up in therapy.

I almost forgot! One of the personals includes the horrible line: "Other days I want to crawl into a shell like a teenage mutant, injured turtle." I didn't make that shit up. There's also a reference to the real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Which I can't believe is still around, in whatever new forms. And, I have it on good authority, the new cartoon includes lots of bad shell puns. Which seems apt for this bullet point.

Claud responds to personals with the following letter:
Claudia here. Let me tell you about myself. I'm good-looking, pashionate about art, like laffter, freinds, and I want to meet sumone who will like me as I am and not try to change me. From your ad I got the idea that we mite have a lot in comon. There is nuthing to lose by finding out. Sincerly, Claudia Kishi.

It was a second attempt. Sad, but true. Oh, and don't worry, she used spell check to fix it.

Claudia's big date-with-Brian Hall outfit? "a long white shirt under a green tapestry vest, green corduroy pants, and low boots." Sounds a little earthy, casual even, for Claud.

Blah. I don't want to read about a bad, boring date. I've had my own, thanks.

Oh, Rock. (Real name: Richard.) He's a winner.
I'm getting desperate. [Great start to a personal ad, there.] I need a girl who doesn't giggle and act like a little kid and preferably one who doesn't wear pink. She should be smart, funny, pretty, and sort of hip. I've been told I'm good-looking, I play rock guitar, paint, and study eastern culture. No cheerleaders, please. Call Rock at 555-2984.

Claud's initial response: "He sounded pretty cool to me. Also, I fit his qualifications and I don't look good in pink." But wait! Didn't you wear gold and pink together just a few bullets up? You little liar.

He goes to a private school. So, how/why is he posting a personal in the SMS Express?

"From that moment on, I thought of nothing but Rock: how I would create the cover for his first rock album; how he'd insist that I sing backup vocals onstage with him, although before that moment I'd never known I had singing talent. We'd ride around the countryside on his motorcycle (which I was sure he'd eventually get even though he was too young for one right now). We'd sit on a hillside and paint together. It would be so wonderful." Yeah, with that buildup, are you surprised the date doesn't go well?

Claud's date outfit: "new brown suede cloth pants...with a simple yellow button down shirt and a brown and yellow brocade vest." Is she rocking the hippie look intentionally? Does she think it's 1974?

As for Rock, he's got a mad case of Yellow Fever. He's obsessed with everything "oriental." And he has a tattoo! Of "a skull with roses growing out of it and worms crawling on top." Yep, he's gonna be wicked metal someday.

Claud decides to place an ad herself: "Eigth-grade girl how loves art, misteries, and lafter seeks boy who is handsum with some musles, medium height or taller, athletic, sensative, artistic, a good dreser, not too criticil, has no tattos, and can make me lagh. Write Chosey but Fair at..." She gets a lot of response, none great.

Stacey sends fake Mr. Perfect responses in a misguided attempt to make Claud feel better. Yeah.

Hee! Fake "Mr. Perfect" looks like Jason Priestly

One of the responses to her ad asks if Claud looks like Paula Abdul.

Yeah. Lame. Also, all the Claud quotes are totally pissing off my
spellcheck.

I guess you could call them girlfriend and boyfriend; or, BSC #51: Stacey's Ex-Best Friend

2007-04-15T21:15:00.000-05:00

I did not mean to do two Stacey books in a row. Seriously. But shit happens. And I'm posting this early, because I'm going to see Yo La Tengo tomorrow night!!!! Yay!!!!

Okay, so the cover question: "Is Stacey's friend Laine super mature or just a super snob?" I think it should say: "What's with the bitch-face, Sweetheart?" Cause Laine even looks like she caught a raging case of the Bitch. And she looks older than me.

See?

So, Laine's getting a week long vacation from school, and Stacey convinces her to come visit Stoneybrook. And it sucks. For both of them. Laine's got a massive stick up her rich-girl ass, and Stacey feels all confused and dissed and blah. And everything winds up in a massive fight at the Valentine's Day dance. And Stacey and Laine friend-break up.

Subplot: The BSC organize a Valentine's Day Masquerade for a bunch of the kids. It's a party, and the kids have to sign their Valentines in code. Blah.

Who wants a list?

Oooh, prescient. Stacey talks about global warming on the very first page. Al Gore thinks he's all on top of this issue? Bitch, please...

Also, not everyone "in the country" curls up in front of the fireplace and acts all old-timey.

Laine insists on calling Stacey "Anastasia" because it sounds "more grown-up." Except, no, it doesn't.

Oh, yeah, Laine's got this older boyfriend, King, who's 15. And he calls her "Babe." And she calls him "Heart." And when she gets on the phone with him, Laine actually says, "It's Babe." And he has a ponytail. Hawt.

Stacey's actually excited to bring Laine on a baby-sitting job. Because she sucks.

Wait. Stacey has diabetes? Really? I had no idea. Does she know that she might qualify to get her diabetes testing supplies for free from Liberty Medical? Or whatever.

Shoot me if I ever describe any one of my close friends as "such a character."

Clothes! "If I may say so so, we are pretty sophisticated. We both like wild outfits--leggings, cowboy boots, short skirts, the layered look, cool hats." I know I've said it before, but I can't help it! It's like the little tabloid starlets are looking to these books for fashion advice. Or their stylists are.

"My hair is blonde and wavy; the perm makes it look even wavier." Yeah. Hon, if your hair's already wavy, you don't need a perm.

Jessi's got a date for the dance: a seventh grader. And her "real boyfriend" Quint lives in NYC.

I can't believe not one of these girls can think of anything better to do than throw a V-Day party for a bunch of kids.

Oh, and I can't believe I'm going to agree with Laine the Bitch, but I also have a hard time believing that a bunch of 11- and 13-year-old girls give a shit about the "love lives" of a bunch of little kids. (Cause Nicky Pike has a crush on Marilyn Arnold, and Carolyn Arnold has the hots for one of the Hobart boys. Boring.)

Side note: I always wondered how to say Laine's name. I always said it "Lane," until I saw that dreadful movie "Dream a Little Dream." The hot girl in that was Laine, pronounced "Lane-y." Right? Am I totally full of shit? (Well, about this anyway.)

Stacey, you shouldn't have to hide things or redecorate your room for your best friend's visit.

Stacey dresses up to pick Laine up at the ~~airport~~ train station [Oops. Thanks for the correction...I think I've been in the Midwest too long]: "a purple shirtwaist top over flowered leggings, my cowboy boots...a purple hair ornament made from shoelaces, and long dangly silver earrings." [Sounds like the outfit on the cover of Mary Anne's Makeover. Wild!]

But Laine out-fashions her: "She was hard to miss, considering she was wearing a jean coat with a fur collar (I sincerely hoped the fur was fake), black capri pants edged with lace, very chic black ankle boots, and on her head, a brilliant red oversized beret." [There are a lot of outfits in this book! Fuckin' sweet!]

Example of Laine saying stupid things: "Price...Awesome name." And "Dude?...Sheesh. That word went out with the sixties." One, dude was mighty 80s. Two, shut up.

They get all excited at a BSC sleepover because To Kill a Mockingbird is on. I mean, it's a good movie and all, but it's hardly sleepover material. Dirty Dancing or Pet Semetary, yes. You get where I'm going with this, right?

There are a lot of examples of Laine's bitchy tendencies. I'm just not motivated enough to included them all. So, suck it up. You'll just have to read it yourselves.

Oh, yeah. Pete Black gets a mega-crush on the bitch. And she makes fun of him. A lot.

I really don't think the Hobarts have been in town long enough to start to lose their accents.

And the Hobart boys don't understand Valentine's Day. Or American parties. Does ANM hate the Australians? Huh?

Mal & Ben got in a fight over the card catalogue! Fucking dorks!

Apparently, in New York, they don't have child labor laws. Because I sure as hell couldn't LEGALLY get a job as a cashier at a trendy boutique at 13, yet Laine could. And did. And apparently beat out all the hipster 20-somethings desperate to work for an employee discount.

Laine's all grown-up, cause she's reading romance novels. Like Danielle Steele style romance novels.

Laine, who's on a diet, tells Stacey to lose weight. Yep. That's a good friend right there.

"Laine was dressed in black from head to toe. Black leotard, long black jacket, black leggings over black stockings [why?], black shoes. Her jewelry was silver, though."

Well, bully for you, Laine. I'm sooooo glad people tell you look 18. Who cares? You're actually only 13.

And she expects the boys to pick them up for the dance. Does that normally happen in NYC, I wonder? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Hee! Kristy wears a dress!

Poll time! Does Stacey look too much like a red elf? "I was wearing red leggings, red ankle boots, a bulky red sweater and red barrettes."

And Stacey sends Laine a letter ending it all.

So, yeah.

Boyfriendless and momless on a beautiful afternoon; or, BSC #65: Stacey's Big Crush

2007-04-09T23:47:00.000-05:00

Scientologists (sort of) and baby goats and love poems, oh dear. And a very deluded 13-year-old. Who honestly thinks she has a shot with her student teacher ("He's smart. He's handsome. He's 22!").

So, the basic idea here is that Stacey develops a mega-crush on Wesley "Wes" Ellenburg, who's teaching her math class for a few weeks. She stays after class to help him out, and she actually thinks that he has feelings for her, too. And that he's too shy or confused to tell her. Or something. Finally, she writes him a love poem, but she keeps hoping that things will work out between them. But he pretty much sets her straight at the Spring Dance.

Subplot: Some people with a farm on the edge of town ask Dawn and Mary Anne to take care of their baby goat (a "kid" named Elvira). And they BRING THE GOAT ON THEIR SITTING JOBS!!!!! In what universe is that considered "professional?" Huh? And, if I may, wackiness ensues.

The cover cracks my shit up!

A. Stacey looks really young, and Wes looks way older than 22.
B. The name of the dance is in single quotes.
C. Jessi's coolly appraising his ass.

List time! [Forgive me in advance for any Twin Peaks references. I'm watching Season 2 which is FINALLY out on DVD. I'm obsessed. I was actually in the Twin Peaks Club in college..."She acted like she wanted to do it with me through the bars..." Hee!]

La, la, la. I'm Stacey, and I'm from New York. Look at how city-girl I am, what with getting distracted by flowers during my favorite class. Boring.

Okay, so Wes is in the master's program at Stoneybrook Community College (but later, he says he's getting his B.A.). Um, they don't even offer bachelor's degrees at most community colleges. And apparently, he lives in the dorms there...Um, wrong? Community college=commuter school. I'm so confused.

Stacey has this whole thing about the name Wesley Ellenburg being really nerdy until she sees him. And thinks he's Tom Cruise. Yup.

Yum. "All-natural Crispy Rancho-style Veggie-Rice Nuggets with Nacho Substitute Cheese-food Flavor." Or, as PoBal calls it, Veggie Crack. Am I the only one who doubts that Claudia could find the health food store?

Apparently, the whole B.C.E./C.E. (or B.C./A.D., if you prefer) is obsolete in Stoneybrook. Rather, there's BBSC (Before Baby-sitters Club). And, I'm guessing, BSC.

Here's what Stacey has to say about Watson: "He's a really sweet guy, very quiet, and a terrific gardener." Oh, sure, she mentions the whole millionaire thing, too, don't worry. But he's a gardener, most of all.

Wow, Stacey loves the expression "Go figure." And thus, I will never be able to say that again without thinking of blondie there.

Nothing says "mature" like the following sentence: "Logan has been bitten by the cute bug (definition: major hunk)."

Blah, misunderstandings. Stacey hears Mrs. Stone talking about the baby goat, but thinks she's talking about a little kid. LAME. And seriously played out.

Stacey's dad went to Wesleyan. Interesting.

Seriously, read this book just for the many retarded things Stacey says in medias crush. Definite word vomit that could easily induce actual vomit.

I got entirely too excited about the reappearance of Sabrina Bouvier.

Oh hells yeah!
Then I thought of something extremely important. My clothes. I had gone to class wearing an oldish pair of stretch pants and an oversized turquoise men's shirt. Not awful, but not spectacular. There was no way I'd make that mistake the next day.

I rifled through my closet. One by one, I looked at my best outfits.

Long red gown? Too dressy. [Ya think?] Stone-washed jeans (with a knit top)? Too casual. Paisley-print stirrup pants? Too faded.

I started the process at 4:35. By 5:05, I found myself staring at a short, rayon challis [huh?] tank dress my mom had ordered for me. It was navy with white polka dots. The fitted top tapered down to a flared skirt, with white buttons down the front. It was feminine, yet comfortable-looking. Absolutely perfect.

Charlotte's romantic foil is named Diane Dumschat. Say that out loud. Try it. It's fun.

Stacey actually thinks she's in love.

Dawn and Mary Anne think they know how to take care of a goat better than the goat's fucking owner. Good to know it's not just non-goat kids that happens with. [Ugh. That is a grammatically horrendous sentence. Much apologies.]

The only thing worse than ANM's Louisville dialect? Her Aussie one.

Okay, Wes's Toyota Corolla is pretty beat-ass for only being 7. The bumper is held on with rope. Heh, and Toyotas are Stace's favorite car.

Join me in the coffee house for a poetry reading (note the capitalization of "Fortune," very arty):
I see two stars in summer's night
Hovering, lost, in blinding light,
Each so dull in heaven's net,
So each remains, as yet unmet.

But Fortune moves in strangest ways;
It lengthens nights, it shortens days.
May this night end, and day begin
And bring two young people back again.

Oh, yeah! Dance clothes!
- Stacey: "It was a calf-length silk/cotton dress with pastel floral print, a scoop neck, and a shirred skirt that was slit to above the knee on one side." Huh? Sounds...kinda ugly, actually.
- "Jessi looked sensational, in an indigo blue unitard with a matching open-mesh oversized cardigan." The fuck? And the fug? This even offends my joke-obsession with unitards. And a hole-y cardigan? Is that what open-mesh is???? It hurts even thinking about this outfit. Seriously!
- What 22-year-old wears a tux to a middle school dance????? Wes.
Okay, now. They feed a baby goat Doritos, Twinkies, Snickers, Milk Duds, a Chunky bar and Reese's peanut butter cups. It's just wrong.

Ah, Charlotte's got the philosophy about boys early on: "They're just dumb. It's stupid to even think about them." Right on.

Blah, Stacey's heartbroken.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to watch HAWT Agent Cooper leaning over dying Leland, with the wet hair flopping in his face. Sigh.

I think he'd have trouble choosing between them; or BSC #52: Mary Anne + 2 Many Babies

2007-04-04T20:19:00.000-05:00

[Sorry this entry's late. When I have a busy weekend, I don't have time to
read one of the books...Booze, sure I've got time for that, but not so much for
the BSC. I'm a horrible person. But I had fun!]

The tag line for this winner is "How much trouble can a bunch of babies
be?" But, just maybe, it should be "How retarded can a group of
13-year-olds be?" It's a good question. Seriously.

The plot: Um, Dawn and Mary Anne want their parents to have a baby. Mary
Anne babysits for the Salem twins; they're babies. And all the 8th graders
have to take "Modern Living." That's a course that teaches them about
adulthood, using the narrowest possible definition (marriage and babies).
So, they "marry" a classmate and have an egg baby. And it's hard! And most of the BSC and their "spouses" take it all entirely too seriously. They, like, name the "babies" and have arguments about how much the baby should eat and if it's cold and shit. And, yes, I'm talking about the boys, too (especially Logan and Alan Gray). LAME!!! Um, in the end, Dawn and MA decide that maybe their parents' decision not to further populate Stoneybrook might actually be the right one. Oh, and they learn that being a grownup and a married and a parent is hard! (But don't worry, I'm sure they forget that last lesson by the next book.) BABIES! Woot. (Sorry, don't care much for babies myself, and my uterus threatens to perform a self-hysterectomy at the thought of birthin' one. Remember that as you read through this.)

Okay, first things first. The cover. Mary Anne already looks like a
suburban housewife, pushing the stroller, wearing stretch pants and a baggy
sweatshirt. She's given up at 13, folks. Pour a Zima for the girl.

Also, the + 2 thing is far too cutesy.

Roll call!

Worst first line of any of the books: "I was thirteen years old before I became a sister, and guess what." I challenge you to bring me a worse, less interesting opener.

I get wicked sick of all the "Oh, we all eat normal, and Dawn eats like a fucking freak!" I don't need ANM to catalog the dietary differences between the two sisters. She doesn't even describe the food so that it sounds good. For either girl! What's the point of that? If you're going to describe food, make me drool. All I'm asking.

MA wonders what the opposite of outgoing is; she considers "ingoing" and "ingrown." Heh. Once, PoBal and I had a months long discussion about whether or not "integreous" was the adjective form of "integrity." Did I spell that right?

Ooh! Claud clothes: "A typical Claudia outfit might include a sequined shirt, stirrup pants (maybe black), low black boots, [Wait! How can anyone tell they're stirrups if she's wearing boots?] dangly turquoise earrings, and ribbons woven through tiny braids in her hair. And she wouldn't forget sparkly nail polish." [Bitch! That's totally Stacey's thing!] I love that the pants just may be black, but no one's quite sure.

Does anyone remember the book in which the BSC took an infant care class? MA mentions it, but I don't remember anything about that.

Teacher:"Despite how old or young you may feel, the truth is that you are now biologically capable of becoming parents, or you will be soon. How many think you are capable of parenting, of being part of a couple, or of living on your own?" And, of course, MA thinks cause she babysits a few times a week for a few hours a shot, she could be a fucking parent.

ANM really hates the character Shawna Riverson. Seriously, the dumbass things she pushes out through Shawna's mouth make me think that ANM's romantic rival in high school was named Shawna.

Heh, ANM makes an inadvertent stand for gay marriage when there are four boys who can't pair up with girls, so they have to pair up with each other. Of course, there's no mention of "gay," and, surprisingly (well, actually, not very much so), they never get mentioned again.

Y'all know how much I hate whenever ANM mentions prices that just don't make any sense. Well, she's at it again. Just don't even attempt it! 1993 prices that are pretty spot on for these days? I think she overshot the prices, but I honestly can't be sure. But it seems a little suspect.

Oh, and apparently, MA and Logan never looked at the prices in the grocery store. And they decide to be vegetarians to save money.

And their whole "playing married" thing gets really old, like, instantly.

Given that they're all such experienced sitters, you'd think they'd know that sitting for twin infants is hard work. And they're all huffy about the Salems waiting until the babies were 6 mos. before hiring the BSC.

Shut up about the babies, girls!!!!!!!! It's boring.

Oh, the egg thing. Thank gawd I never had to do that shit.

Okay, the BSCers bring their stupid egg babies to jobs. How unprofessional is that? And the parents are all "ha, ha," and the kids are all "the fuck?"

Logan and MA name their "kid" Samantha, Sammie for short.

Kristy and Alan name theirs Izzy.

Damn, these girls and boys took this waaaaaay too seriously.

And the older girls get all pissy with Jessi and Mal, cause they just don't get being an egg parent. Shut up!

Feel like getting smacked with a lesson as blunt as a sledgehammer?
Stacey sat in a patch of dry grass and thought. What if Bobby [her "kid"] had been her real child and she had had no husband to call on for help? she wondered. What did you do if you were a single parent and you were at work and your child got sick and the nurse called and said he should go home from school? What if you couldn't leave your job? Or what if you were at home and something happened to you and you simply needed help?

"I bet my mom is scared sometimes..."

Ah, Logan and MA fight a lot about money and the kid. Imagine that.

The Pike kids decide to pair up in incestuous marriages and raise egg-children. And the triplets go along with it? Perhaps that is the single least believable aspect of this book.

Um, since when is there a kid at SMS named Tarik?

Blah, now they understand how hard their parents have it.

Heh. The single most realistic event in this entire book? "Miles tried to look on the bright side. 'Isn't sex education part of Health?" I heard him say. Logan laughed. I blushed." Wow. ANM actually admitted that 13-year-old boys think about sex! Crazy!

MA and Logan turn in a 32 page single-spaced typed report, causing their teacher to swear. A lot. In my mind.

[Overall, I preferred the Buffy treatment of the egg project!]

Oh, sweetie, 25 isn't that old. Just you wait.

Fucking fuck fuck!!!!!!! Worst ending ever! "'Yeah. Dad,' I said, 'you have no idea how hard it is to be a parent.'" Richard, I'll fucking smack her for you! ANM, for that, you (or your ghostwriter) need to be dragged out behind the Burger King and beaten with a cricket bat. There was no reason for that. Even people with no sense of humor know that's just not funny.

Whew. Sorry for the violence at the end there. Nothing pisses me off more
than a cheap joke, told non-self-mockingly. And what a shitty way to start and
end the book! Not that the middle was any less shitty!

Until next time.

Random Sighting!!!

2007-03-27T22:52:00.000-05:00

Check this out!!! Her crime should have been founding the BSC!!

A post-BSC career?!?!?

Stacey and I both look good in black and white; or BSC Super Special #6: New

2007-03-26T17:49:00.000-05:00

Apparently, "they're not sleeping till they see all of it--" Well, good for them. But I think they probably did get some sleep. After all, they're only 13 and they are chaperoned.

First, let's examine the cover:

So, Mary Anne looks all touristy, and that makes sense. And Kristy's wearing that lameass touristy Statue of Liberty thing. But, seriously? Claud and Stacey (remember, the sophisticated ones) are wearing Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts. Stacey, the New York girl. I'm sorry, but I really doubt it. And, confession time, I was totally obsessed with the black tights/cuffed jean shorts combo. Very Brenda Walsh.

Okay, so the plot of this one...SMS is on another (mysterious) two week vacation. Claud and Mal get permission to take a two week art class in New York, and all the BSC get to go, too. Because Mr. McGill and Laine's parents are insane.

Mary Ann and Stacey: Because they can't get enough of children, they get hired to show two little Brit brats around the city for two weeks. And they're being followed! And they think it's some sort of international intrigue! But it's really the kids' bodyguard! Um, exciting?

Jessi: She falls in luv with a boy ballet dancer named Quint. Only, he doesn't want to audition for Julliard cause the boys in the neighborhood pick on him. Or something.

Kristy: She finds a stray dog that reminds her of her dead dog Louie. She wants to bring him home to Stoneybrook, but she's not allowed. So, she finds a new home for him. (Boring.)

Dawn: She's a fucking chickenshit. She's afraid of everything. (And, I know I've said this before, but she's from SoCal, not Bumfuck, Montana.) Then she meets a boy on crutches, and he shows her the city and gets her to eat chocolate.

Claud and Mal: So, their art teacher, McKenzie Clarke, gets along great with Mal and constantly criticizes Claudia. She's all hurt and thinks she has no talent. (Heh.) But finally, she talks to him, and he's on her ass cause she lacks discipline and without discipline, her talent will go to waste. And Mal learns she doesn't have what it takes to be an artist, but she only wants to draw dippy shit for children's books anyway.

Yeah.

So, Claudia, before her classes start, keeps referring to teacher/artist McKenzie Clark as HIM.

"Stacey would be packing black leggings (some with stirrups on the feet, some without) and baggy black and white and red tops. She would probably pack or wear her black cowboy boots."

Mary Anne brought Tigger to the train station in a carrier so she could say goodbye to him. Dumbass.

Oh, and there's this whole thing about all the BSC parents all worried about roaches. Sometimes, I think ANM confuses Stoneybrook with the tiniest town in Iowa or something...They live, like, two hours (tops) from NYC by train. And that's probably with lots of stops. They are not out in the sticks...

I miss street vendors and truck food. I used to get the best Thai fried rice from a truck outside Hillman Library. Mmmm. [drooling]

"I was beside myself with the thought of actually staying in the Dakota for two whole weeks. The old movie Rosemary's Baby was filmed there. Famous people live there. Famous people have died there, too." But we won't mention them by name. ANM always mentions weird children's books that no one born after 1968 would have read, but she won't mention John Lennon, despite the fact that VH1 used to play "Imagine" in the 80s more than I can even tell...And how many of our parents were obsessed with the Beatles or their solo stuff? Plus, in the 80s? Julian Lennon had a fucking hit single. Whatever.

So, the Brit brats? (Not actually bratty, but I like alliteration. So sue me. It's "creative license" or something.) Their parents dress them like dolls. It's totally lame. But hilarious. "Alistaire [who's 7, btw] was wearing a white sailor suit with navy blue trim, white knee socks, and black shoes that buckled at the sides. The looked a little like Mary Janes, only they weren't shiny. [Huh? Mary Janes don't have to be patent leather...I don't get it...] And Rowena was wearing a white sailor dress, similar to Alistaire's suit, white tights, red Mary Janes, and a red hat." In ANM's mind, Brits always dress like it's the 1940s.

Shut up about the crime, Dawn. You act like there's no violence in SoCal at all. She automatically thinks a loud bang is a car bomb. What? She's not from a warzone, either.

Stacey loves signaling the waiter for the check. Cause she's 5.

Because the acronym for the Fine Arts League of New York is FALNY, ANM spells it Falny. Because you can't pronounce an acronym like a real word if it's all caps or something...Sorry, I get a little fixated on semantics. In case you couldn't tell.

Claudia's not allowed to call adults by their first name unless she knows them really well. I suppose parents who forbid Nancy Drew would have a rule like that.

Jessi thinks Quint's name is romantic. I...don't get it.

Oh, yeah...ANM's dad did "Claudia's" sketches for the book.

Oiny. Only in New York. Jessi's dad says that. And this book ruined me so that whenever anyone says only in New York, I think Oiny. Fuckers.

There's this whole thing about sneaking the dog in and out of the Dakota because Kristy thinks they don't allow pets in the building. It's supposed to be zany, I think, but it's just lame.

Dawn's luv interest? "His hair was brown and longish. He'd let the back grow into a very chilly little tail. And when he smiled, his cheeks dimpled." Hee! A tail! And a really awkward sentence about dimples!

Um, Jessi just agrees to go over Quint's place...I doubt her parents let her just go over random boys' houses in the 'Brook, so why she thinks it's okay in New York? But then, they left her to care for her siblings with no adult supervision for a fucking weekend, so I guess I'm not terribly surprised she has no common sense with this sort of thing. And she gets kinda bent out of shape when Laine insists on walking her there and meeting his family.

This is what the Brits have the brats wear on their Circle Line cruise: "Alistaire in gray pants, red suspenders, a red bow tie, and a white shirt; Rowena in a gray skirt, red suspenders, a red headband, and a white blouse." You know, I don't think my parents tried to color coordinate me and my bro even in family portraits.

Actually, a ten dollar fee for a pay-what-you-can vet clinic is pretty cheap.

"Right here. On Madison Avenue. One of the finest shopping streets in the city. Here you will find Laura Ashley [hee!] clothes, cowboy boots, boutiques, and bookstores. It's the soup to nuts of the shopping world." Dawn, I have some bad news. Your boy's a friend of Dorothy. Straight boys don't know Laura Ashley. Just sayin.'

Later, Dawn gets all excited by (another) Laura Ashley store in the South Street Seaport. Again, nothing says "California Casual" like middle-aged, stuffy floral prints.

In college & grad school, whenever I came across the word "cloisters" or "cloistered," I remembered this book. Kinda sad, I know.

So, Kristy's a closeted rich bitch. "I looked around the Leeches' [they adopt the stupid dog] apartment. It was small. The furniture was old and worn. But someone had crocheted afghans for the couch, and dried flowers were arranged in vases. Plus, Mr. Leech obviously cared very much for his son..." All I'm saying is, how nice was their furniture before Watson, anyway? Single mom with four kids? C'mon now.

Mal comes up with this stupid kids' story about country mouses visiting the big city. And the girl mouse? "I gave her a hip mouse outfit--a huge sweat shirt and leggings. But I had to erase the leggings. They were not meant for mouse legs [OR HUMAN LEGS, DAMMIT!!!!]. I gave her high-tops instead. And some jewelry." And there's something about an evil gnome. I used to have a recurring nightmare about being chased by an evil gnome. Maybe this book is why...Hmm...

Mal and her art teacher keep talking about kids' books.

Jessi's in training to be a nagger. [heh.]

"I'm sure Quint's parents thought we were going to tell them we wanted to get married, or something equally serious." Yes, I'm sure that's what they thought about an eleven-year-old and a fourteen-year-old (or however old he is). Jessi's not always this stupid, is she? Well, she gets kissed anyway. Her first kiss. Blah.

When does "Firday" fall in the week, Claudia?

Blah, Tavern on the Green and a show...I've seen all this on reality tv.

Hmm...the Pikes have a computer.

Claudia would be proud (or should I say prowed?):

Deer Mary Ann and Stacy,

We are back in Englund. It is nice. I licked New Yurk. I rememberized the names of your freinds. Rowena licked the toy store.

Love, Alistaire

Well, that's that. Can I lick a toy store, too?

I've been tagged!!!!

2007-03-21T18:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I got tagged on my (rarely used, and mainly to bitch to a few friends) LiveJournal, but it's really more appropriate to post it here, because I am pathetic, and the nearest book is Super Special #6: New York, New York, waiting to get blogged.

Here's the meme:

book fun
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next three sentences in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.
6. Tag five other people to do the same.

Here's the result:

Mrs. Ramsey hugged Jessi protectively.

Emily fell off my suitcase and skinned her knee.

In the midst of her tears, I spied the headlight on our train, and soon the engine was roaring into the station.

Okay, I tag PoBal, Neurochic, and anyone on here who has a BSC book right next to them when they read this!!!

***

And, cause I'm feeling generous, I figured I'd let you in on a little more about me...and this pretty much says it all:

Now, add about 27 years and some alcohol:

And it's not only that one likes music and the other science; or, BSC #60: Mary Anne's Makeover

2007-03-19T17:21:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed how, when it serves to further the subplot, the BSC have a shit-ton of jobs with the same family? Like three or four jobs in one week or so? And sometimes, ANM makes some kind of half-assed excuse, like Mrs. Whoever is doing a project for the PTA or whatever. But in some books, there's no rhyme or reason to why the parents are just never there...Yeah.

So, this is another one I totally thought I did already, so here goes...

Mary Anne spots a cute hair cut in a magazine, and decides to get all her hair cut off, despite the "It's not you!" response from her oh-so-supportive friends. Mr. Richard Spier decides to make a father-daughter event of the makeover and winds up buying her makeup and a bunch of clothes from Steven E! (That's the ritzy store in the mall--and don't worry, she has to pay for half of the clothes with her baby-sitting money.) And, as the oh so witty cover says, "Everyone loves the new Mary Anne -- except the BSC." Yup, for some reason, the girls are all bitchy to MA after she changes how she looks. Oh, wait! That's right, no one's allowed to change in the BSC! That's why they're being little slags to her! So, Mary Anne starts hanging out more with Logan, and starts hanging out with some other girls who are never mentioned before or after. Oh, and there's this whole rumor going around about how some high school boy is all about MA and wants to ask her to some high school dance. Mary Anne even stops going to BSC meetings. Finally, everything is smoothed over in a completely-glossed-over way. Far too easy. Of course.

Subplot: Carolyn Arnold builds a time machine. And kinda thinks it'll really work, for just a minute.

Okay, let's discuss the cover for a minute:

So, first of all...those leggings? HIDEOUS!!!! Even Hodges Solileau (remember him?) knows that leggings make your legs look big! No one looks good in them!!!! Also, Claud's outfit isn't terribly outrageous. Though they rarely were on any of the covers, if you really think about it...Also, Stacey/Dawn (can you tell which?) needs to give up the mom jeans. Also make her look like she's got a little bit of a gut. And Logan's jeans have the longest crotch I've ever seen. And MA just looks kinda...like W.C. Fields.

Anyway.

Carolyn is obsessed with both Back to the Future and the flux capacitor. But not Brokeback to the Future, which is my fave fake trailer of all time.
Ah, more references to real things... the end of Beauty and the Beast made MA cry. Big surprise there.
Logan is "super cute. His hair is dark blond and curly [wait, what? I don't recall any other descriptions of his curly hair!], his eyes are deep blue [she could be describing my little brother, who is single, in his mid-20s and holding down a good job, ladies in the greater Boston area!], and he has an athletic build without looking like a jock. He's outgoing and friendly, but also thoughtful and sensitive (which he would never admit)." [At least, he's thoughtful and sensitive when he's not being controlling.]
I love how whenever people are so different from each other, it's always like, one likes health food the other likes junk food, or one dresses simply and one dresses trendily. Or one's good at math and one's two IQ points out of special ed.
Lots of outfits in this book!!!! "For instance, that day I was wearing teal-colored stirrup pants [HOT!!!!] and a bulky ski sweater with a colorful snowflake print, over a pink turtleneck." This is pre-makeover, so it's really shocking when, post-makeover, she wears an oversized sweater and leggings. Um, wait...
About Claud: "She can put together the oddest collection of clothes--a slouch hat [what?], a sequined vest, an oversized button-down shirt, stirrup pants, and lace-up boots--and she looks stunning. Stunningly like Blossom, that is. Plus, it's hardly outrageous when it's pretty damn close, minus the hat and the vest, to what Mary Anne's wearing on the fucking cover.
And now a reference to Home Alone.
Okay, now seriously? Why the fuck don't any of the girls even consider the haircut when MA shows them? They're just like, "REJECTED," without even looking at it. Bitches. They're all laughing at her. Supportive group of friends, my ass.
Somehow, I have a hard time picturing Richard wanting to do a makeover as a father-daughter thing. I seem him suggesting a day trip to Mystic Seaport or something, but not suggesting a trip to the mall.
Okay, so I actually kinda like this: Carolyn would want to travel back in time and babysit for her parents...
Is 8 really old enough to know fantasy from reality? Especially when the BSC members routinely believe in ghosts, blah blah blah...
The dress that MA gets: "...a fiery red, off-the-shoulder crepe dress with shirred sleeves, a fitted bodice, and a skirt that flared to mid-calf." I really can't picture what this would actually look like, but it sounds...hot?
The other purchases from Steven E.? "some stockings and a pair of shoes to go with it [the dress]; an oversized, indigo cable-knit sweater; and a pair of floral paisley print Lycra leggings with a French terry top." Yup.
Hate Hunter's "accent" and "allergies." Fucking hate!!!!
All the boys think Mary Anne's hot now! Hee!
Oh, so one of MA's "new friends" is named Sabrina Bouvier...does that sound familiar? I don't know, like a little JonBenet clone maybe? Yep, that was also the name of the girl that won the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant! Hee!!!!
Okay, isn't A Separate Peace manditory high school reading, not middle school? I read it in 10th...
I fucking love when Mary Ann and Dawn fight! Dawn says MA got a "boy haircut and clown makeup," so MA tells her to "go choke on an alfalfa sprout." Hee!!!!
Blah, Dawn's a jealous little bitch.
Okay, a middle school dance with boys in tuxes? Really?
Oooh! Dance outfits!!!! Kristy in a long dress and heels. Claudia: "a lamé outfit that was all sharp angles and flashy colors." Way to not really give any details at all, ANM (or ghostwriter or whatever). Stacey: "a slinky silk gown that belonged to her her mother." Um, if you're only 13, you shouldn't be wearing anything that could be described as slinky. Just sayin'. Dawn: a dress "made of black velvet, with a sheer bodice trimmed with beading and lace, and a flared, above-knee skirt." Sounds a little fussy for California Casual, no?
Oh. LAME!!!!! Logan would go back in time to...the first time he saw MA. Ew.

So much stupid. So little time.

Back to March Madness (I'm writing this on Saturday). Seriously, I totally should have started a bracket group for this blog. Cause I can't think of anything more ridiculous than a Claudia's Room pool. Damn, I wish I'd thought of it in time. Go Pitt!!!

And this little Blankie will fit into your purse; or, BSC #54: Mallory and the Dream Horse

2007-03-13T19:33:00.000-05:00

Sorry this is late, guys...I had a busy weekend, and it took me for fucking ever to read this lameass book. Plus, laundromat. But it's here, so cease your hand-wringing and frantic checking of your RSS feeds.

So, in this train wreck, Mallory finds out that this farm on the outskirts of town is offering English-style riding lessons. And she and Jessi decide to take them, only Jessi's parents veto that idea. But through "bargaining," Mal can take the classes if she pays for half. So, she does. And not far in, she falls off the horse!!!! But she gets back on!!!! Though, undercutting the uplift aspect of all this, she's miserable and scared shitless. But she sticks with it. Or something. And she tries (unsuccessfully) to make friends with the rich kids in her class. Finally, she makes it through, and she even wins 6th place (out of twelve) in the class horse show/competition/whatever. Oooh.

Subplot A: The Pike kids are putting on a neighborhood talent show.

Subplot B: Nina Marshall (4) is having trouble at preschool, cuz she brings a giant (titular) blanket everywhere she goes, and the other little shits make fun of her...

There was far too much "Aw, shucks, aren't kids cute/clever" and "Aw, poor kid...how can we help where her parents obviously can't" in this book. I hate when she pulls that shit. Did anyone really read these books to read about the little kids? Bring on the middle school drama, bitch!!!

Anyhoo...

Book's tagline: "Mallory's gone horse crazy!" Skank has always been crazy.
Also, from the summary on the back: "But then the lessons begin and Mallory discovers that dreaming about horses can be a lot more fun than actually riding them."
Okay, so all of the stupid stuff about Mal & Jessi loving horses reminds me of that line in Lost in Translation: "I tried taking pictures, but they were so mediocre. I guess every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, horses... taking pictures of your feet."
Um, what do "graceful fingers" have to do with ballet dancing?
I really doubt that Mal would always be so amused by the shenanigans of her brothers and sisters. Um, she's an awkward adolescent.
"Well, Dawn is sort of dating Logan's cousin, Lewis. Sort of. It's hard to call it dating since he lives in Louisville, Kentucky. But they write each other and, as Dawn says, they definitely have a strong friendship." I love when one-off boys get mentioned again.
Who wants an outfit? "Claudia can put together strange combinations of clothes--like one of her father's old shirts over tie-dyed tights, with a big belt and a funky vest--and look like she stepped out of a fashion magazine." Or a zit cream commercial.
Did you know that Stacey is the reigning "Queen of Dibbleness?"
Seriously? These girls do not know more than their charges' parents. Especially when they spend all of an hour every few weeks with the kid. Yet they solve all their fucking probs. My ass. And probably yours too.
Plus, I'm sure Kristy would understand if Mal were late to a meeting because she had to talk to Mrs. Marshall about Nina's issues.
Heh. "Just like Star Search."
Oh, and there's this whole Jessi is jealous and Mal is a brick wall and can't understand why Jessi's acting all weird when she starts to talk horses subplot thingy.
Oh, yeah! One of the girls in Mal's class is Allison Anders. Though I'm sure it's not this Allison Anders: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0025978/
Okay, so after Mal falls off the horse, her mom takes her to the hospital. And Mal's doctor meets them there, fresh from the golf course wearing the outfit of the week: "bright yellow pants, an electric blue polo shirt, and a visor." Yup.
Okay, Claud can't even spell "laugh" when she's writing a joint entry in the club notebook, and Stacey just fucking spelled it for her.
"At first I thought I'd go wild, like Claudia, with tie-dyed tights and a bright purple oversized T-shirt knotted at the bottom, and maybe a big red belt. But then I decided since I didn't know the kids well I really should dress more conservatively...I was wearing a gold-and-brown kilt, a matching gold cotton sweater, and penny loafers."
Oh, so the solution to the Nina/Blankie drama? Blankie gets destroyed in the dryer, and Dawn accidentally tears it apart. But, because Dawn's so quick on her feet, she shows Nina how to hide the pieces. Blah.
Apparently, D-Day is actually of "Dying-of-Embarrassment Day." Sure, I'll bite.
Oh, and Mal's obsessed with Pax, the dream horse. In fact, according to Jessi, "He really is the most beautiful horse in the world...You're so lucky to have known him, even if it was for a short time." Because Jessi is a 45-year-old mother.
Um, Nicky Pike can use stilts?
Oh, and there's this whole lameass "We're so good at solving problems" thing where all the BSCers are, like, congratulating themselves for something or other. Boring.

Whew. Look at the pretty horsie!

I want the pink flower; or, BSC Video #6: Claudia and the Missing Jewels

2007-03-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, due to some time constraints and an awesome weekend in Pittsburgh, I'm totally cheating this week. Yep, I'm posting about one of the videos! (PS-Extra mega special thanks to www.dibbly-fresh.com for the screen caps!)

So, Claudia's selling the ugliest earrings ever made at a craft fair, right? And Miss Olga, because she thinks Claud is "a talented young designer," orders a bunch for her shop, giving Claud a $50 bill as deposit. And Claudia leaves them at Kristy's for some reason I can't quite gauge. And they go missing! Oh no!!!!!!! So, they blame Julie (the weekend help at Kristy's). Turns out, Karen stole them in a cry for attention. See, Kristy's been treating Karen like the pit stain she is...So, they throw a surprise birthday to apologize to Julie.

And, cause I won't fuck with a classic, here's the list!

They all have crazy raincoats. Of course.

In this show, they ALWAYS had the girls talking in unison. And making dumbass faces.

Speaking of dumbasses:

I hate you, Karen. I think you might even be more annoying here than in the books.

There's this whole plant sale thing. I'm not sure why. But Lil' Pete both carries a cactus [I carried a watermelon?!?] and steals flowers from the garden where they're selling the plants...to sell.

Hee. "Claudia's Treasures" or "Treasures by Claudia."

This is Julie. She walks funny and has two different sets of glasses: one for school and one for movies. Huh?

Oh, when Kristy and Claudia find out the "jewels" are missing? Kristy's first reaction is to call an emergency meeting of the BSC. Yep.

The BSC are all superspies, following Julie to figure out if she's the thief. And being "undercover" apparently involves wearing neon sunglasses:

Oh, the Jersey accents!

Um, there's not a parent in this show. Yeah.

"This is a special tree, and you are a special girl. But you can't just take things." Truer words have never been spoken...Except maybe, SHUT THE FUCK UP, KAREN, YOU LITTLE IDIOT!!!!

Happy ending!!! Hooray!!!

Monsters do not like red; or, BSC #46: Mary Anne Misses Logan

2007-02-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

1. I could have sworn I had done this one already, but I think I just reread it before I started the blogging.

2. This cover

represented everything I thought being a teenager was about. Going rollerskating with your friends, one of whom would be wearing a fedora. Actually, I wanted to be the one with the fedora. It’s true. Plus, Mary Anne’s totally wearing mom jeans.

Okay, the plot: Dude, isn’t it obvious? Mary Anne fucking misses Logan. And there’s some super lame author project that every 8th grader has to do, and she winds up in a group with Pete Black, Logan, and Cokie Mason (who is, incidentally, totally schemin’ on Logan). La la la la. Pete and M.A. do all the work, but Logan finally pitches in at the end, just in time for them to present in front of the whole school and the author they’ve been studying. (Megan Rinehart, whom the all-knowing internet tells me doesn’t actually exist.) And Cokie totally eats it.

Subplot: Toilet Monster. Fucking retarded. Seriously. Um, Korman kids think there’s a monster in their toilet. And I got stupider just reading about it.

So, we list:

Okay, MA’s all, “oh, I’m missing a part of me, we knew each other so well, blah, blah, blah, whiny girlie bullshit” but they started dating in 8th grade, and they’re still in 8th grade, so how long were they together anyway? And I know, they’re thirteen (and fictional), and it’s all love and overwrought, but give me a break…

“I’m not allowed to wear really cool things, such as cowboy boots, the way most of my friends are.” Hee!

Heh. “Everyone is an individual, but Dawn is a true individual.” Also, “Dawn could probably get away with wearing a burlap bag, because she’s gorgeous."

Having younger siblings does not necessarily make you patient. Just sayin’

“Hi, by dabe is Hudter Brudo.” I hate you, ANM. That’s just dumb. And it’s always been dumb.

Oooh! Stacey fashion! “…like paisley-print leggings; a huge, long shirt; short, black, lace-up boots; and a ton of silver jewelry. She might top off the look with a black fedora.” Yup.

Claudia likes accessories (Really? I had no clue!): “T-shirt clips, slap-wrist bracelets, and for her hair, ties, beads, ribbons, combs, you name it.” Scorpions? Would she wear live scorpions in her hair? Please?

Heh, Claud thinks that they might get assigned Danielle Steele [shouldn’t that just be Steel?] or Stephen King, and everyone makes fun of her…

Dude, MA starts crying when she finds out Logan’s in her group.

Cokie flirts with Logan. A lot. And it makes MA jealous. Whoop-di-shit. [I’ve never had to spell that before.]

Shut up, Kristy, you do not know everything about child-rearing at 13. ‘Kay?

Mary Anne’s big reconciliation date outfit? An “oversized blue top and a pair of red tights.” Isn’t she supposed to be shy? As in, too shy to leave the house barely dressed?

And, happy ending, they’re back together. Lucky, lucky us.

But I was not prepared for what would greet us in Stoneybrook – prejudice, that’s what; or, BSC #36: Jessi’s Baby-sitter

2007-02-19T20:55:00.001-05:00

She’s only 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, what? Oh, yeah, this book. SUCKS!!!

The plot: Jessi’s mom goes back to work, so the dreaded Aunt Cecelia moves in. And Jessi and Becca play pranks, and Aunt Dictator is a super mega bitch. And it’s a mess, but, because she’s in the BSC, she won’t talk to her parents about it. But the subplot makes Jessi understand what’s going on, and there’s a family conference. Ta-da, happy ending.

The subplot: Jackie Rodowsky wants to enter the Stoneybrook Elementary School Science Fair; he decides to make an erupting volcano like on the Brady Bunch. That’s what he actually says. So, Jessi decides to help and ends up terrorizing him into letting her do all the work. And he doesn’t win, cause her coaching didn’t actually teach him anything. But he’s all happy cause he impressed some kids at school with his lava-spewing VOLCANO!!! WOO!!!

Listie time!!!

I hate when ANM does Mme Noelle’s accent. Seriously, shut up…it’s the worst fake French accent ever.

See! Right there on page 2! Jessi wants to go pro!

Well, isn’t Oakley, NJ just integrated heaven?

Why do these girls get all excited at the possible prospect of more siblings? Why would they want a(nother) baby around? I know they like baby-sitting, but really.

I’m impressed that Mrs. Ramsey was able to jump right back into advertising after taking ELEVEN YEARS OFF. Just sayin’.

Dude, Aunt Cecelia is their dad’s sister, and they’re totally ragging on her in front of him, and he’s apparently cool with that? WTF?

Jessi brings up how unfair and mean AC (that’s my new abbreviation for Aunt Cecilia) was during Super Special 4.

Also, AC’s husband died recently. Yet Jessi doesn’t seem all that phased that HER UNCLE DIED. Whatever.

Nothing says “I’m mature and should be treated like I’m older than eleven” quite like prank wars. Yup.

I totally remembered Jessy’s sign:
KEEP OUT (please)
THIS MEANS YOU
PRIVACY NEEDED
(THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION)
And, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I agree with Mal. That sign is dumb.

“Claud wears things my mother won’t even let me look at in stores [because you’re 11, dumbass!!!!!] – short, short skirts and tight black pants and off-the-shoulder sweatshirts.” Wait, she’s a dancer in the 80s and she doesn’t own at least one off-the-shoulder sweatshirt? I guess she just not a Steeltown girl on a Saturday night.

Um, Kristy took role at one of the meetings in this one. The fuck? There are seven of them. Does she really need to take attendance? Seriously?

The Pike kids open a lending library. And it’s never heard from again after this chapter. Vanessa gets to be the librarian cause she reads a lot. Yep, she’ll be disappointed if she tries to parlay that into a career in library science.

Sorry, all the Jessi-bitching-about-AC stuff is really boring, so I’m not going to bother.

”Besides, I have to watch my weight. I can’t be a fat ballerina.” Damn straight.

Thank scrod that ANM didn’t go overboard with the BSC-ers helping their charges with their science fair project. Cause then this book would have wound up under all the snow and ice outside.

Even Jessi thinks that it’s hilarious that Claudia is helping anyone with anything remotely language related.

Hee! Charlotte plays Duran Duran for the “rock and roll” portion of her experiment. Oh, John Taylor. I harbored a thing for you into high school. I think Char was probably more of a Simon fan. But that’s pure speculation.

Mmm…Neccos.

Oh. My. God. AC doesn’t let Jessi go to a BSC meeting AS PUNISHMENT FOR BEING TEN MINUTES LATE!

Yeah, right. AC, who apparently has kids, was nervous that she wouldn’t be as good a sitter as an 11-year-old. My ass.

Oh, hell yeah! “Stacey was wearing tight black pants that reached just above her ankles, and sported [nice use of the thesaurus, ANM!] a column of four silvery buttons at the bottoms. (The buttons were just for show, I think.) Over the pants she was wearing a long (past her knees) blue jacket made of soft material. Under that she was wearing a sleeveless blouse…Claud was wearing a fake leopard-skin vest, a fairly tame blouse, and blue leggings…And finally Mal and me, also in jeans, but wearing (if I do say so myself) pretty fresh sweat shirts.” Sweet.

And another boring happy ending.

Hee! on the cover, she looks like she's haunted by AC's wooden spoon! Fear it!!

Plus, a little gift:

Kristy slammed a plastic hammer on Claudia’s desk; or BSC #102: Mary Anne and the Little Princess

2007-02-13T18:33:00.000-05:00

Holy crap, this one sucked…It’s really hard to read some of the later ones…With the books that I read the first time around, at least there’s a nostalgia element or whatever. But these later ones? SUCK!!!!!!!

So, in this book, a distant heir to the British throne comes to Stoneybrook. The ‘rents work for the UN or whatever, and the little girl gets to chill in the ‘Brook. Her nanny calls the BSC after Kristy spams her with flyers, and hires Mary Anne as a companion. Is Victoria spoiled? Bitchy? Stuck up? Or just a sad, lonely little girl? Blah. Oh, and the ending? Doesn’t really exist. Just kind of putters out like a dying car.

Subplot: Sharon uses Mary Anne as a lower calorie Dawn substitute! Fun!

Bullets:

“Playing football is bad enough. Playing with Logan is downright frightening. He happens to be on the Stoneybrook Middle School football team, and he throws extremely hard.” He’s playing with a bunch of kids, [heh.] so how hard do you think he’s really throwing. Plus, he’s 13, not Peyton Manning or Tom Brady. Suck it up. Just say you don’t like playing.

”Dawn and I were double Yentes.” You gotta love how ANM was referencing things she grew up with. Sure, Fiddler is a classic, but your average 13-year-old hasn’t seen it enough to know the characters’ names.

Heh, “an obscure condition called Spier’s Tears.” Careful, it’s contagious!

”Sharon can be a little absentminded. [You know where this is going…] In our house, it’s not unusual to find the tennis balls in the dishwasher, or her credit cards in the laundry detergent box.” Maybe Sharon has a rare condition, Makes-no-fucking-sensitis.

Claudia, before she had to go back to seventh grade, thought that Alice in Wonderland referred not to a book title, but to a person, Alison Wonderland. DUMBASS!!!!!!!

Okay, my Jewish friends, I have a question: Is this right? “they became Bat Mitzvahs together.” It sounds off.

Oh, yeah, I love how once Abby joins, it’s okay to commute into NYC, but before, it’s crazy unthinkable.

This has nothing to do with the book: I have a snow day from work today!!!!

Richard Spier now works for a big fancy law firm and travels a lot, which makes M.A. sad…aw.

Say it out loud. It’s terrible, and no way would I have gotten this horrible joke when I was 10. “Mom said the parents were both wearing Georgie O’Mani or something, but it looked like a normal suit and dress to me.” So bad!

Mary Anne gets to ride in limos a lot in this book. She feels cool.

Whenever there’s a particularly attractive mother, she could be a model. What’s up with ANM’s model obsession?

Heh, more Laura Ashley!

Oh, there’s a lame misunderstanding about M.A.’s last name…The nanny thinks it’s Mistu. LAME!!!

I hate when they’re all “ew, gross” when Sharon (or Dawn, for that matter) mentions a good veggie dish, i.e. Tofu-Leek with Ginger casserole. Sounds fairly tasty.

Mrs. Porter has a witchy granddaughter named Druscilla. And Spike’s wearing that blue sweater and having sex with Buffy and…oh, sorry, wrong fictional universe.

There are lots of lame jokes about war with England.

Everybody’s going to Mary Anne’s for Thanksgiving. Yay.

Ah, nothing protects you from cold New England weather like a cotton sweater. Dumbasses.

I have a hard time believing any mall with a Friendly’s also has Bountiful Wellness Macrobiotic Restaurant.

ANM mentions both cell phones and email. Surreal. I always picture every BSC book firmly in 1988, no matter what year it was actually written.

There’s this whole thing about Jessi trying to convincer her dad to become an actor. Huh?

”Stacey looked very…well, Stacey. She was wearing a black baseball cap, black sunglasses, and a sleek, black, ankle-length coat with sharply padded shoulders.” Wow.

Oh, yeah, Kristy, Stacey, M.A. and the nanny take Victoria to NYC for an afternoon. Yet they always act like New York is sooooooooooo far away.

Richard made slides from his business trip to Milwaukee. ‘nuff said.

I can't find a good pic online, but Mary Anne's coat on the cover is adorable...

Oh, someone asked how to get in touch with me about librarianing, as a profession. And I’m thinking about the best way to do that…I’ll get back to you.

I heart this!!!

2007-01-31T21:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I absolutely adored "An Abundance of Katherines." And the author, John Green and his brother are doing this videoblog, and you need to watch this entry:

Here!!!!

...You’ll see it isn’t quite as ideal as it looks; or, BSC #35: Stacey and the Mystery of Stoneybrook

2007-01-29T20:17:00.000-05:00

I think this book should really have been called “Stupid Bitches Are Friggin’ Desperate to be Nancy Fucking Drew.” At one point, they’re all supposed be “on the lookout” for clues about a mystery that may or may not exist. Dumbasses.

So, in this book, some old house is getting torn down and Charlotte’s staying with Stacey and her mom while the Johanssens go out of town for family stuff. There are mysterious occurrences when Stacey & Char visit the house, and Char gets tonsillitis again. I shit you not, this is the completely random nature of this book. It makes precious little sense. So, was the town really built on an ancient burial ground? Why does the house give them all nightmares? Who knows? I don’t think they solved that part. But anyway, they find out who owned the house (rant forthcoming) and go visit him in the nursing home, and he tells them a bunch of ghost stories…Finally the house comes down, Stacey hallucinates, all the mysterious things are explained away (Yay, science!) and it turns out owner guy died the night before. Ah, happy endings.

So, as befits the random nature of this book, I give you a random list…

We get hit with Stacey’s “poor, divorced, divided me” on the first fucking page!

What world does Stacey live in where hers in the only Dad that works on Saturdays? My dad always did (retail), but she grew up in New York, for fuck’s sake. Like Laine’s big-time producer dad works 9-5.

Um, sweetie? Cinnamon does not always come sprinkled on cappuccino. Just sayin.’

“I guess Logan must like Mary Anne for the same reasons all of us do: She’s understanding, a good listener, and really a lot of fun.” And she’s a pushover. And when she gets a spine, he gets all mad and distant. Cynical, cynical me.

”I couldn’t believe how fascinated everyone was with the “news” about some dumb old house. I guess that’s what happens when you live in Stoneybrook all your life. Anything seems exciting.” Condescending much, bitch?

I know I feel presidential when wearing a visor.

Oooh! Do you remember Colorforms? I fucking loved those as a kid! (And if I still had some, I’d probably still love them!)

Isn’t Charlotte a little old for Raggedy Ann? I was into her before I started school. Exhibit A:
(Me and my brother at a very young age dressed up as Raggedy Ann and Andy...definitely preschool age...)

The house Stacey describes looks nothing like the house on the cover. A little cooperation, some communication might have helped that…Exhibit B:

You know, I just can’t reiterate enough how fucking gullible these girls are…they are so willing to believe in ghostly happenings, it drives me nuts. I was like that when I was seven or eight, not 13!

Oh, yeah…Charlotte is crazy excited cause she gets to go to a bunch of BSC meetings.

Will no one shut Karen up? Her very fictional existence is sucking my soul out through my tear ducts.

With all the stuff about burial grounds, I felt like I was reading this book in Spookyvision!

Um, Stacey’s mom leaves Stacey to deal with Charlotte and the doctor. The fuck?

OH MY FUCKING GOD! CLAUDIA ACTUALLY THINKS SHE MIGHT BECOME A LIBRARIAN LIKE HER MOM. I’m sorry Claudia. Though you could get into library school (they will let anyone in), you will not find a job. You have to be able to read and write. Sorry.

None of the BSCers has ever taken kids to story time at the SPL? Seriously?

Okay, Mrs. Kishi is the director of the library. I doubt she has tons of time to mingle with all the little kids.

”Liberrian.” Okay, sure, little kids. But there are people in library school who actually say this. No shit. My librarian posse can back me up on this one (btw, welcome Yogmas!)

Claud gets embarrassed cause she doesn’t know her way around the library, despite director Mom. Seriously, she doesn’t know any of the reference librarians or anything? She asks a middle school page. For local history help. Gack! So many issues!

Ah, pre-automation library…Thank Gebus for computers…

Kristy calls an emergency meeting about the ghosty stuff. Why?

I’m sure Mal can talk Stacey out of being jealous of 7 siblings.

Seriously, Stace. You're seeing flames where there are none. Maybe you should get some help…or at least some Valium.

Wait, what’s that Stacey? You love what? “I had dressed for my train ride in a white jumpsuit, layered over a blue tank top. I had on white push-down socks with blue hearts all over them, a wide blue patent leather belt, and a wild necklace made of all kinds of plastic sea creatures in a rainbow of colors.” And she wears the jumpsuit again (with different shirt/accessories) the next day! Awesome!

Oh, I’ll probably be posting late next week; I’m going out of town this weekend (Look out D.C. Metro!), and while I will be watching the Super Bowl (and rooting for the Colts), I will not be reading any BSC books…So, apologies in advance…

There was no way Swanilda could have been black, so I wasn’t perfect…; or, BSC #16: Jessi’s Secret Language

2007-01-23T17:32:00.000-05:00

Seriously, “Jessi” on the cover looks old than me.

Herein, we are introduced to Matt Braddock, who is profoundly deaf, and his sister, Haley, whose “blonde hair was cut short with a little tail in the back (very in)…” Jessi gets a regular gig sitting for these kids AND she’s learning sign language AND she landed the lead role in her ballet school’s production of Coppélia. Busy little Jessi. AND in the middle of all this, she has a great idea to invite Matt’s class at his deaf kid school to the opening of the ballet! Oh, and all the BSCers want to learn to sign, and all the kids want to learn, too! Hooray! Feel good all around!!!!!!!!

Listy time!!!!

This book is full of things that never get mentioned again! 1) Jessi is apparently very good at languages. So good that she “practically became bilingual” during her family’s one week vacation in Mexico. What can I say? She’s a prodigy…

Jessi has the darkest eyes she’s ever seen. Seriously.

Oh, so she mentions that Jessi doesn’t want to be a professional dancer like three times in this book! I’m not mistaken that later books explicitly say she wants to be a dancer, right? Right? Plus, why would she be in this crazy school and why would her parents spend beaucoup bucks on ballet gear if she’s not at least trying to go pro?

This book talks a lot about how hard it can be to fit in when you’re different. Like if you’re black, or deaf, or if you have a deaf brother. It’s deep. Thanks to you, ANM, I know now that I should be accepting of people who are different. I’m so, so ashamed. You stupid bitch.

I hate when ANM mentions real books. I just do.

And, because there’s no such thing as too much of a stretch for Ms. Martin, one of Jessi’s ballet nemeses has a deaf sister. And her family doesn’t know how to sign, so they don’t communicate. And it’s so sad. But luckily, Jessi can help…Hooray! More warm fuzzies!

SHUT UP, KAREN YOU STUPID LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!!!!! YOU MAKE ALL THAT SHIT UP!!!!! THERE IS NO GHOST PARTY, AND THERE IS NO GHOST PATE! [There should be accents there, but I don’t care because I HATE KAREN THAT MUCH!!!!!!]

I find it hard to believe that Jessi is surprised that Haley sometimes wishes Matt had never been born. Who hasn’t had that thought about their siblings, especially when they’re that young [Sorry, Brian!]. Blah.

”Ballerinas have to be strong and agile and in good shape. Junk food doesn’t help you to be any of those things.” Oh, and she forgot SKINNY. Dumbass.

Stirrings of baby fever at the Thomas-Brewer household. And Kristy’s mom had Charlie when she was 20. Ouch.

Even when I was like 7 or 8, I didn’t think 11 was grown-up. Nope.

Heh. The Polanski Sisters.

I would pay lots of money to see Coppernicus: the ballet. And I would pay more to see Coppernicus: the musical. And still more for A Brief History of Metaphysics: The Musical. [I made that last one up. Shut up, you know you’d watch it, too!]

I want to go to Good Time Charley’s. It sounds like a strip club.

Hoorah! See, PoBal, I didn’t make fun of any deaf kids! Just everyone else!

I also love rock and roll and the latest TV shows; or, BSC Mystery #13: Mary Anne and the Library Mystery.

2007-01-17T19:57:00.000-05:00

So, my mom got this for me for Christmas, cause you know, I’m library girl. And I’m apologizing in advance, cause I know I’m gonna get all ranty with this one. Cause, oh, it pissed me off…

The plot: Mary Anne’s all sad sack, cause Logan’s busy playing volleyball and Dawn’s back in Cali for six months, and Mal’s got mono, cause she sucks that hard. So, MA is lonely and bored and in-a-weepy-watching-Roman Holiday mood. So, to give her something to dü, she tells Mrs. Kishi she’ll help in the Children’s Room at the library for their Readathon program. But once she starts, someone keeps setting little fires by burning books! From the fifth grade reading list! And there are suspects, including the mean new children’s librarian! Nicky Pike! The book-banning protestors! The library ghost! Just kidding! No ghost in this one! But it turns out it’s one of the minor kids in the BSC universe.

So, seriously, what’s up with the whole ‘WE have to solve the mystery!” thing? I never once felt the need to actually attempt to solve a mystery. Sure, I may have played at it, or whatever, or daydreamed about it. And maybe I was a chickenshit, but faced with actually trying to solve a real mystery? OH HELL NO! One, I can’t really think of a real mystery I ever came across. And two, even if I did, I would not want to get involved with that shit! Leave it to the pros! And even if I did get all nebby (that’s for you PoBal) and try and get involved in the mystery, I certainly wouldn’t let my young baby-sitting charges stick their little noses in, dig?

Anyhoo.

Okay, in her “volunteer” position, Mary Anne teaches kids to use the card catalog (heh…old-timers!), and helps them find books (that’s called reader’s advisory, kids! And reference!) Seriously, if I were here, I’d be pissed I wasn’t get paid. Cause she’s doing the work of a professional, or at least (what we in the profession call) a paraprofessional…At least, they should let MA in the union, cause she’s working part time…AND SHE’S ONLY 13!!!!!! They’re letting her do all this shit without any training? What kind of shoddy operation is Mrs. Kishi running, anyway?

Oh, and book banning’s bad, m’kay? So is book burning…Yeah, there’s this group of protestors trying to get a whole list of books banned from the library…but, and this is the hilarious part, ANM totally glosses over the details…the BSC are all, I can’t see anything wrong with it…but no one ever says what’s objectionable about any of these books! And at the end, ANM is all “for more, info, contact ALA-OIF (that’s the Office of Intellectual Freedom of the American Library Association). I guess that’s the subplot of this one: banning books is bad! Suicide! Don’t do it!

Oh, and I doubt a bunch of dumbass baby-sitter girls who are only 13 can solve the mystery all by themselves…shut up bitches…

Okay, some fun fashion from your fave wannabe youthquakers:

“Claudia was wearing a big white shirt over a bright pink jumpsuit. Her earrings, also bright pink, were in the shape of flamingos. On her feet were pink high-tops. Stacey was wearing a red miniskirt, a red-and-white striped shirt, red heart-shaped earrings, and short black boots.” Okay, I’m losing my touch; aside from being crazy matchy (and the earrings), Stacey’s outfit actually sounds…cute [shocked gasps! Women fainting!]

[Also, I just read the Truth About Stacey graphic novel, and she looks wicked cute in it! It was surreal not being able to make fun of Stacey’s “sophistication.”]

Heh. Claudia criticizes the protestors outfits: “You should have seen some of the outfits these people were wearing. I mean, I wouldn’t even call them outfits. Nothing matched, everything clashed, and they obviously don’t know a thing about coordinating accessories.” Claud, love, we need to talk. Pot calling kettle black here.

Okay, there’s tons more to make fun of in this one, but it’s been painful enough…Seriously. Dying here. Ugh.

Oh, and the cover? Is that smoke? Or a ghost? I know the tagline is “Someone’s playing with fire—for real, but I totally thought it was a ghost story…What do you think?